A Dedication to My Dear Lady

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Getting all "Reminisc-ie"
Today, I seem to have got into the "reminiscing" mode. Was talking to a friend and she was telling me she is trying to work on a photo album for her mission trip, with photos of her growing up. Then, later in the evening, I received a call from the photo shop, telling me they made a mistake with my photo order and printed my photos with white borders (like those photos in the good old days). Then, as I made my way home from gym (yes, I am trying out gym though highly unlikely I will sign on any gym package), I saw this old lady in baju kurong and sarong and she really reminded me of my late grandmother; a lady I hold so dear...

My "Mama"
It is almost as if, amidst all the hustle and bustle of life, I have clean forgotten about this lady who had been an important part of my childhood. I literally grew up with her and in my memory, she is a nice old lady who dotes on me and loves me... ooo how I miss "mama" (that's how I call my grandmother since my younger days when I heard my mum calling her that). She is a very gentle and charming lady, beautiful in her own ways... I love her so deeply and even as I type this blog, I really hope to see her again... When I saw her suffering on her death bed and evetually stopped breathing, that was one of the most painful moments of my life; I noticed I have lost my "mama"...

Mama, how are you doing? I hope you are doing well in heaven.

And so, I decided to look up old photos of her and make a slideshow dedicated to her... photos both of her as I remember her and of me in my younger days (well, as I was looking through the photos and was having so much fun looking at the youner me, so decided to also add photos of my growing up years to the slideshow). As you can see, I seem to have a little identiy crisis... a while I am superman, a while a bike rider, a while a waiter, then a soldier, kungfu expert, radio deejay and finally, a geek :) OK, don't laugh ah... enjoy!

Click here to view the slideshow...

Sucker Anyone?

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I saw this some time ago but somehow haven't been able to blog until now...

Since when do we call straws "suckers"? And you can find this in Singapore in a well-known fast food joint in Changi Village :)

Anyone care for some suckers from the "sucker box"?

Putting Words into My Mouth

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I Don't Eat Words, So Don't Put Words into My Mouth
I really don't like the feeling of being used conveniently as an excuse and having words put into my mouth... I just feel so... so... maligned!

I am just not happy, just not happy. To make things worse, it has to be a superior who comes to tell me that someone cited me as a reason for working slowly. I mean, it may be a misunderstanding but then, well, I am just just not happy!! Hmmppfff! (Picture "Alpha Soup" by nsoup)

还我清白!!!

Mourning the Loss
Yesterday, I blogged about the passing on of a supervisor I got to know during my attachment. I just returned from the wake. It was a solemn event and I can tell she is missed by many because many of the visitors had such tear-filled eyes.

Just earlier today, I was talking to a fellow friend about her and I learnt that underneath the stern and strict looking face, she is actually a "soft" lady. I was told that she was earlier diagnosed with cancer and was given a prognosis of maximum 6 months. She requested her staff to keep mum about her condition. So eventually when we learnt of her passing on, you can imagine the shock (and even anger for some) that most of us had. Somehow, the grief did not seem to get to me during the funeral but as I travelled out of her estate, I felt strong emotions welling up inside me I could just have wept a little.

No Empathy, No Patience
I had asked God for patience in working with a fellow sister-in-christ but sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am wrong but then somehow I feel that she is not trying hard enough to get herself out of her situation; she just keeps reverting to old ways of coping and mentioned that she "needs more time". Maybe I am not sensitive enough but then I just can't stand it when I feel that she is not self-aware and when tell her about it genuinely, she gets all defensive and responds with some insensitive remarks, which is hurtful...

I know she needs time to grow (she keeps telling me I am impatient with her and expect her to grow overnight) but in fact I suspect she is using this as an excuse to further sabotage herself. I kept trying to redirect her attention back to herself but she keeps asking question about the person who she is attached to. I won't share much detail here but then I feel that I had to make a stand about her expectation of me offering her information about the person she is attached to. To date, I have been spending quite a bit on sms and so I told her that we would like to see her grow and I am going to help address her queries only if the answer is going to be significant for her growth, if not, I am going to stay silent about it. I do not want to also play a part in helping her to sabotage herself.

I am sorry but I have bad experience with people with mental disorders who cause their own misery, fail to see it and blame others for it. I have my own baggage and I am just not able to empathise if I find people proactively cause their problems but refuse to do anything for themself. That's why, despite having struggles of my own, I am trying to avoid going into self-pity or even taking a blaming stance towards others.

At the end of the day, if you know you have an issue, refuse to do anything about it and blame others for it or worse, bring misery upon others, then I am sorry, I can't deal with that. That, to me, is a very selfish act... I still find it much enjoyble working with people who are self-aware of their issues and are trying hard to do something for themselves.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

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by limothy_onFlickr

The haze situation is dragging for too long. While I thank God that I have not have any asthma attack yet (I usually would), I sure hope the haze will go away soon. Sometimes, I wonder what the Indonesian government is doing about all these burning... in the same way a bystander who sees a child misbehaves would look at his/her parent and think "what kind of parent are you, take your child into hand". Year after year, this happens again and again and causes so much problem for its neighbouring countries Malaysia and Singapore... this can really be so irritating. Anyway, I still thank God that I am still well.

I also thank God for meetings that went well today. I started my day on a bad note and had to do a bit of firefighting at work because of some miscommunication on others' part... I do have a part to play in both cases but then it just feels rotten I have to run about doing the firefighting. A good thing the two meetings I had to attend for the rest of the day went well. In fact, one of the meeting with a group of prospective volunteer went so well, they even offered to allow us to use their premises for our events. They were also open to ideas to helping us fundraise through a guiness world record event they are planning and also open to working closely on many other volunteer projects. If this goes well, I will be able to add a couple of hundred volunteers to my current pool. Yeah! I initially also had problems looking for some volunteer emcee and performers but they have also agreed to help me check with a few existing volunteers whether they can help. Thank God!

Of Wedding and a Funeral

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1 Wedding and 1 Funeral
Feel like I am in an emotional rollercoaster these 3 days... 3 days ago, I was extremely happy for a classmate who got married and 3 days now, I receive news of the passing on of an attachment supervisor. And the irony of it all, I am not close to both but feel such extreme emotions.

Last Saturday, I was invited to a fellow social work classmate's church wedding. Despite not being very close to her (there were occasions where I just didn't have much to say to her at the wedding besides the usual "hey congrats!"), I am just honoured she invited me and another social work classmate along. We are the only NUS friends she invited. The three of us went to the same agency for our attachment and we spent a good two to three months there with each another. I recall as she walked down the aisle, I felt such great joy and was grinning from ear to ear. And the children who walked down the aisle... aiyoh so cute! (Just in case you wonder if I have thought of going into a relationship, well yes... but maybe not the time yet). (Picture "Bridal Bouquet" by CraigPJ)

And to think that we were still talking about this supervisor just on Saturday and now, I just received news of her passing on just a few minutes ago... I made my way home with a heavy heart; I just couldn't believe the message I just received about her passing on... My memory of her was this stern looking lady who wasn't very friendly. In fact, I kinda feared her when I was there for attachment. There were a couple of occasion I went back but I just had nothing to say to her. To me, she was this strong, stern looking, serious lady of few words. Somehow, this "strong" image of her just did not click with the image of her being sick. So saddened now. Think I will go pay my last respects tomorrow. (Picture "Heavenly white tulips 2" by phpdesign)

God's Sense of Humour
Anyway, just a little update about "the friend who was beginning to hate me". He is the second NUS friend that was invited to the wedding. Somehow, I just feel that God has a good sense of humour to bring us together into contact in a church. Things are relatively fine between us; I mean at least we are talking again but we have not met each other after the last time we met. So anyway, we went for a simple meal at Gone Fishing and subsequently went to catch "World Trade Centre" since both of us had nothing on that day. Day ended with supper after midnight with dim sum at Swee Choon. Although we are not close friends like in the past but at least we are talking now again, though not much.

Movie about Calling
Anyway, I like the movie "World Trade Centre". Though it wasn't as touching as I thought it would be, you can really feel the anguish of the people trapped in the rubble when WTC collapsed (somehow don't dare to think how I will ever survive if I am in their shoes) and the anguish of loved ones when faced with the possibility that their spouse, friends, relatives, children and parents could be killed by the attack. Although the US marine who rescued the two police officers trapped in the rubble only appeared in the movie for a few minutes... the show, to me, was fundamentally about the calling of God; he was called by God to go to New York and in the end saved survivor number 18 and 19 (the two police officers in the movie). (Picture "New York, 1988 5" by 568222)

Stressful Week
The movie was a real treat after a whole week of stress and late nights, trying to rush out a website for an upoming event. Have been taking cab to work because I could not wake up on time (but then again, I am never on time for work). And I realised that bad habits die hard... despite all the affirmations received throughout the week about the website I did, I always tend to focus on the negatives and got upset when I saw a fellow colleague treated me as "transparent" and ignored me. Think she doesn't like me because of a recent email I sent; I was coordinating a training and managed to get approval and support from higher management. Since I had not heard from her about sending a rep to attend the workshop, I sent a reminder to her and mentioned about higher management's support for the workshop. I was later told that she interpreted my email as trying to "scare her with higher management and trying to tell her what to do"... well, if she is going to dislike me, I am cool... to begin with, I don't really have a good impression of her. Feels she behaves differently in front of bosses and those who she feels have no value for her at all. Anyway, can't really be bothered with her... I can't please everyone right?

God Grant Me Patience
God has been sending people who have struggles into my path and recently, I am working with this sister-in-christ who has attachment issue with another cell member. I won't go too much into it but then I sometimes cannot understand how God want me to work with her; it can be challenging working with her. Together with other cell group members, we try our best to support her but there are just times when we get so angry with her, it becomes so tempting to just give up on her. Her smses can also be hurtful and there were occasions I just did not want to respond to her smses because we felt she was going back into an unhealthy way of coping. (Picture "Don't Lose Your Patience" by mrsmas)

Anyway, thank God that she is making progress and decided to see a counsellor about it... we pray that things will get better and I pray that God will grant us patience in working with her; to help her to grow and overcome her struggles.

Complete In You

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Complete
Words and Music by Andrew Ulugia
From the album “Amazing” by Parachute Band

Here I am oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So, I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

This is one of my favourite worship songs (at least for now) because it speaks great depths about just how I feel about God. I was listening to this song on the way to church service today. When it was sang at service today, I could not help but teared. It is true that I was feeling rather incomplete in the past (not to say I am complete now); It is true that I had seen many blessings in my life in the past one year. As such, I really desire for God's touch and love and I offer myself to His purpose, so I can be a blessing to others.

A Letter to God

Modified from "Brown Envelope"
by spekulator

Dear God,

This is a long overdue letter to you (and I know it deep within my heart). I had recently started typing this letter but somehow did not know what should go into it; I had wanted to adequately express my gratitude for all that I have received from you; your grace, your blessings, your forgiveness. But somehow, sometimes I get a mental block...

Transformation A Year On

It has been a year now since I came back to Christ and it is clear to me how much my life has changed over the months. Not only have I grown spiritually, I have also seen how, from a broken person I was last year, my life has now changed for the better. Sure, I still struggle with certain issues but it sure feel comforting that you are watching over me... A year ago, I had to contend with strained relationships, a friendship that was coming to an end, and having to resign from a job I liked so much and facing the uncertainty of being jobless. All these came crashing down on me at the same time and I was sure that I was at the "bottom-mest" of the pit. Never would I have imagine that a year on, I am being blessed with another job which I love so much, blessed with wonderful people, friends and colleagues around me and you have also helped nursed the strained friendship back to almost the way it was... (Picture "White Clock" by Fenix)

The Return
In fact, one of my friend joked that I was made to go through all these so that I may have the opportunity to come back to Christ. Though, this was mentioned jokingly, I had never doubted that it might just have been so. I remember being baptised when I was just 12. But at that time, I did not know what it meant to be a Christian. All I remember was that the baptism was a very unique experience that still amazes me till this day. Though young, I remember coming out of the baptism pool feeling like a new person... it was as if the old me was washed away... it is a feeling that I am not able to describe fully even up till this day.

Anyway, after that, I just went on with the motion of being a Christian and soon drifted further and further away from you. I stopped going to church and backslided. My life was going so well to the extent, I felt that it was blessed, but I seemed to have forgotten about you. This went on for one year, two years, three years and lasted for some fifteen years. To be trueful, I did thought about returning back to Church but then the fear of being looked down upon as a backslider has prevented me from doing so many a times. I kept thinking "I do not need to go to church to be connected to God. As long as I have God in me, these are all but protocol". In fact, this was how I felt up till the personal crisis I faced last year. I remember tendering my resignation and while I was thinking where I will be going next to work, I recall telling myself... "definitely not a christian organisation since I will be looked down upon as a backslider.". But little did I expect that you already have a plan for me to return to you after fifteen years. You sent friends to support me during the crisis and you also sent a friend (who I was unlikely to keep in touch with) to minister to me and invite me back to church. I will always remember the words spoken by this friend which has touched me:

"the fact you feel this shame and remorse (of being a backslider) shows how much faith you still have in God. You will always be welcomed back into God's arms and God is always there in times of need, not failing us but only we failing him."

And when she subsequently asked me to visit her church, it was surprising that I agreed (though reluctantly) because I would usually decline. This paved the way for my return to Christ. The "dramatic happenings" at that very visit just made everything seem more than coincidental e.g. the incident where I lost my wallet (and was reminded by my friend when she came to return me the wallet: "hope you will be like your wallet, once lost but now am found") and the coincidental "40 days" mentioned in "The Purpose-Driven Life" and the 40 days to my last day at work. You continue to speak to me through church service, week after week. I recall that when I first came back to church, I was feeling terribly exhausted and burnt out at work. You helped me back onto my feet and the sermons during that time was on burnout and how to refocus to get back on track. Then subsequently, whenever I faced a struggle, you always had a sermon to minister to me that very same week. Even though I have drifted far away from you, you have not forgotten me and showed me much grace.

Your Blessings
Then, something unthinkable happened: upon learning about my resignation, my current boss asked me to apply for my current position. I recall telling myself before this that I will not apply for a job in a Christian organisation but things just seemed to fall into place and I was now going back to church and that paved the way for me to join a christian organisation. In fact, during the interview, I was asked about my spiritual maturity and I frankly told them that I had backslided but have recently gone back to church. I was no longer in bondage by my inferiority about my backsliding.

You subsequently gave me the job and I could see why I was called to my current job. You helped me to surface my skills in setting up systems and that was just what my current organisation needed; a volunteer management system. Despite being totally new to volunteer management, you continue to bless me everyday so much so I realised at my recent appraisal that so much have been achieved in this one year. Many could not believe that I am new to volunteer management and yet could achieve what I did. In fact, I was also surprised but I gather that this would not have been possible without your blessings. I continue to see your hands guiding the work that I do e.g. whenever I needed a particular kind of volunteer, that volunteer will just come knocking on our doors. In fact, everything just falls into place nicely and at the right time and there are just new blessings every day that just continue to convince me that you are real.

Going into a Spiritual Desert
Then, I went through a period of spiritual desert (see here and here) and a bit of that still persist today. I recall going with my friend to watch "The Da Vinci Code" and I started having so much doubts about you. Even though so much have happened to show me that you are real in my life, I began to have doubts nonetheless. You eventually won me over again and I am convinced about you. Then you called me; you called me to minister to others who came into my path so they will get to know you. I wouldn't say that I had been very successful but I am amazed how you worked through me. Many a times, I worry what I should say, but you never fail to provide me with opportunities to share about the gospel and also the say the right things at the right time. I also thank you for watching over me when I visited the cult and thank you for keeping me in your protection. (Modified form picture by "mancity")

Your Calling
Sometimes, the calling gets very tough and I withdraw and somewhat pretend not to hear the calling (just like Jonah). I even ask questions like "why me?" and felt that "I am so new and spiritually immature". You have continued to call out to me through sermons and various ways to remind me of my calling (see here, here and here) e.g. I recall one time when I ignored the calling to minister to my friend in the cult, there was the sermon on Jonah and Jonah just kept coming back again and again through sermons, through my colleagues (who were passing around a DVD about Jonah) and also during department devotion. You also reassured me about my calling when I was in doubt whether I was fdoing your will e.g. how you sent a colleague to travel with me as I went to meet my friend from the cult and incidentally, she had the book "Knowing God's Will" with her which she loaned to me.

You have taught me hard that I may not reap but may just have sowed the seed... just like how you have worked through me in talking to my friend in the cult, to my fellow sister-in-christ who is undergoing a very rough patch, to a part-timer who was also drifting away from you and how you allowed me to use my testimony to encourage her. I have also reaped harvest and am glad to see that a friend and my sister back in church. Of course, there are also a few others which I had not been able to reach out to but I sure hope to share the gospel with them... as a way of sharing the good news about salvation through Jesus Christ.

You continue to show yourself real through bible studies. In recent weeks, I have come to realise that the bible is not just any other document but a chronicle of your covenant to us; your unfailing convenant that we will get salvation not by good works but through Jesus Christ. The study of the books of Romans in recent months has shown me how your redemption plan is still in place and how many of your prophecies have came true. I also see the link between happenings in the past as chronicled in the bible and current situations as seen in the promised land of Israel and the middle east.

My Commitment
Though I still feel that I have drifted a bit away from you, I sincerely wish for you to be back in my life and to touch me and work through me to bless others. Just like what an elder shared a few weeks ago during sermon, I want to be like a river; it starts from a high point and as it meanders down, it feeds many animals along its course, carve out majestic landforms and waterfalls etc. Although by the time it comes to the end towards the dead sea it is muddy and dirty, it has served it purpose and has been a blessing to many before it came to the dead sea.

I also want to ask for your forgiveness for all the times I have disappointed you. I am like the prodigal son but even though I have returned, I can't help but feel I sometimes upset you. I also thank you for your grace which I witness everyday. I recall one of my friends sharing about this... if God hasn't been graceful, with so many people sinning against Him every second, He could have got so angry and just wiped the whole human race out just as He did during Noah's time. I also recall reading a comic strip about the grace of God and how instead of rain coming down in one big drop, He sent it down in many small droplets.

Amen.