Request... Sent

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I did it, I sent my request to step down from cell leadership and I do not know how all this is going to turn out. Maybe I don't wish to care anymore. Anyway, have cell fellowship tonight and once again I don't have any good feelings about it, seems like, at this point in time, it is just me and another visitor. Well, why bother since I am stepping down?

Dear AO,

Forgive me for communicating through email as sometime I find that I am able to express myself better through writing. I would like to just let you know that I am requesting to step down from cell leadership. I thank you for your guidance and for listening to me bare my heart the last time I wanted to step down and frankly I did want to continue that time. But things have gotten to a stage I find that it might be necessary for me to just step down.

It has been a challenging few months ever since I took on cell leadership, with many ups and downs. I have to admit that yes, I have come to grow a lot spiritually over the last few months and have learnt many valuable lessons and also to rely on God. However, the last few months have also been months of pain and sometimes even crying that I find myself so emotionally and mentally affected by everything. The last few weeks also has not been particularly easy with my dad in hospital, my leg inflammation, heavy work schedules and subsequently some recent developments in cell, which has also caused me sleepless nights. I have thought through it all and just thought that I no longer have the energy to continue on. I have been affected by cell ministry so much so I am not sleeping well and no longer have motivation to work.

I have come to this decision because I am tired and I just feel that my members deserve a better leader. In a nutshell, it is just these two reasons and nothing else. I have struggled over the last few months and instead of growing, my cell is shrinking, sometimes to only 3. And I don't think that my members are growing spiritually and generally I am just tired: tired of trying, tired of worrying week after week about cell, tried of thinking about where cell is going, tiring of worrying for people's spiritual growth, tired of week after week worrying who is going to do what. Since the year is ending and the leadership conference is coming up where we sign our leadership covenant, I just thought of making known my decision to step down before that.

I am tired emotionally and mentally and I cannot foresee myself going on any further. I feel accountable for my members' growth and feel like a failure that people are not coming to cell, for not having the courage to confront them and for not being able to turn all these around. Socially, I struggle to interact with my members because I am pretty much an introvert. This makes ministering to people as a leader difficult. Yes, people can say that it is the members' personal responsibility to grow spiritually but then as a leader, it just does not go down well knowing that your members may not be growing or even drifting away. And every time I think about my cell and see how other cells are so tightly knitted relative to my cell, I just feel like crying. I have had enough of arranging for fellowship and having no one come, sending email and having no response and having to worry about who can help with worship etc in cell every week. The members do not seem to be interested at all, and attendance has been bad. Now, I know some are looking around and visiting other cells so why prolong this?

The decision to step down is relatively an easier one more than the worry about the aftermath of it. Frankly, I hesitated with it because questions such as: How am I going to answer to those cell members who have been all these while supporting me? How do I break the news? What is going to happen to cell because of my decision? Will there be someone stepping up? Will the cell be disbanded? Will there be a new leader coming to take over the cell? How will things be between me and my members after I step down, will there be awkwardness? How will my spiritual growth be like after I step down? Even though I know I am willfully making this decision, I still have to. I have come to a stage that I just want to rest. I am not sure where all these are going to lead me but I just need to make a decision for my own emotional and mental health...

Hope you understand.


codfishy

When Enough is Enough

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Thanksgiving
This week hasn't been a breeze at all. I am still dealing with my dad's condition, pain in my leg and struggles in my cell ministry. I still thank God that work is manageable now and for hearing half good news from the doctor about my dad's condition. On Tuesday, I managed to the doctor and although it wasn't exactly fully bad or good news, it is still half good news; my dad does not have TB, he does not have HIV, he does not have lymphoma as yet but he has a rare medical condition called castleman's disease which may lead to Lymphoma. It was a relief but then things are still pretty much in the air for now... I do not know how things are going to turn out and whether it is just going to stay as castleman's. But at least for now, he can be discharged.

Caught between my Dad and the Doctor
Anyway, it is good my dad can be discharged because I can tell he is rather upset about this time's hospital stay. Just before leaving him at the hospital on Tuesday after talking to the doctor, I nagged at my dad a bit and at moments, kept telling him to not get so angry because he seems to have a different expectation on what the doctor should do vs what the doctor think they should do; he wanted the doctors to relieve him of his breathing discomfort which is causing sleepless nights while the doctor is focusing on his condition and risk of having TB or lymphoma. Even as the doctor spoke about his castleman's diesease, my dad went on and on about his breathing difficulty and at the corner of my eye, I could see the doctor having that "not again" kind of look, which I must admit made me feel abit paisay. So after the family conference with the doctors, I brought my dad down to the foodcourt and as he was eating his egg, I was not only nagging about how he was taking 7 eggs a day but also had a bit of exchange with him about how he should not get himself all worked up because he sometimes can have different expectations from the doctor and also misinterpret what the doctor says. On hindsight, I am rather uncomfortable about having that exchange, though not heated, with my dad. On my way back to work, Stitch Giver messaged and as we messaged, I come to realise from her message that maybe my dad is indeed anxious about the whole thing. It is not that I couldn't understand but then sometimes I just find it unnecessary for my dad to get all so worked up.

I am Quitting
Anyway, I have seem to come to a decision about my cell leadership. I have come to decide that I will just give up because I am just very tired. I think I had struggled enough over the last few months and instead of growing, the cell is just shrinking. I am not even sure whether my members are growing spiritually (despite my sister saying she is). I am just tired; tired of trying, tired of worrying week after week about cell, tried of thinking about where cell is going, tiring of worrying for people's spiritual growth, tired of week after week doing so much for cell. Since the year is ending and my church's leadership conference is coming up in Jan, which is where we will be signing the leadership covenant to indicate our commitment to serve as leaders for another year, I might as well make up my mind now to quit before the conference. I am tired emotionally and mentally and I cannot foresee myself going on any further. I feel accountable for my members' growth but then I cannot take it when people are drifting away and yet dealing with the feeling that I am such a failure for not being able to turn all these around. Yes, people can say that it is the members' personal responsibility to grow spiritually but then as a leader, it just does not go down well knowing that your members may not be growing or even drifting away. I am just so exhausted that this matter has affected me so much I am not sleeping well. These few days, I struggled terribly out of bed and struggle to go to work. And every time I think about my cell and see how other cells are so tightly knitted relative to my cell, I just feel like crying. I have had enough of arranging for fellowship and having no one come, sending email and having no response and having to worry about who can help with worship etc in cell every week. The members do not seem to be interested at all, and attendance has been bad. Now, I know some are looking around and visiting other cells so why prolong the mental torment?

The Decision
For my mental health's sake and for my members' growth, I should just step down. I still have faith and trust in God but not any more in this area because I am just tired. In fact, I am quite upset with God in this area and had started to be willful and recently, started to ask God alot of "why did you put me in this situation" questions in many areas of my life. "It is just so unfair!" I would exclaim. I am just tired and just want some rest and allow myself time to grow at a slower pace, serving God in other ways with joy. The issue now is just I do not know how to break this to my cell and my Area Overseer. My AO has once said that he will respect my decision to step down if I so choose though I can tell he would not prefer that. How am I going to answer to my cell members (only a handful) who have been all these while supporting me? How do I break the news? What is going to happen to cell because of my decision? Will there be someone stepping up? Will the cell be disbanded? Will there be a new leader coming to take over the cell? How will things be between me and my members after I step down, will there be awkwardness? How will my spiritual growth be like after I step down? The decision to step down is an easy one to make but the aftermath is something which is worrying me.

I Need a Great Big Mattress

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It is funny how things change very quickly... one moment I will be starting off the morning all chirpy, the next moment I will be down; one moment I will be all giving praise to the Lord and the other moment I will find it difficult to extol the Lord.

Today is just a horrible horrible day! I had started the day off on relatively a good note because my leg was getting better and work is becoming manageable. But received a call from my dad who told me that the doctor would like to speak to me about his condition. On Sunday, my sister went to visit my dad and told me that he might have castleman's disease which is a very rare medical condition. I went to do some research on it and there are two types of the disease, one which is harmless while the other might bring about complications such as lymphoma etc. Now the doctor wants to speak to me and I just can't help but imagine the worst. I just had no more mood to work anymore. But nonetheless, I still thank God for an understanding boss who allows me to excuse myself from the department meeting and lunch tomorrow to go to the hospital.

Then, later in the afternoon, a friend messaged me to ask me if I will be on MSN because she needed to ask me something about a volunteer. Since she is on my personal MSN account, I switched to my personal MSN account and left it online after talking to her. Soon after, a cell member messaged me and asked me if I have thought about recombining our cell back with our old cell. I had quite a heart-to-heart talk with him and although he kept assuring me that I should not feel bad about the state of cell now; that spiritual growth is a personal responsibility and that the cell is partly in this state due to personality imbalance, I just can't help but feel such a failure. Yes, I recognise how there are also other factors contributing to the state of our cell but then leadership is also one of them. Given a better leader, maybe my cell wouldn't be like that, given a better leadership, my people would have had their needs met by the cell and would be growing spiritually.

We spoke on and he also mentioned that he had also ask himself whether the cell is for him, clarifying not because of bad leadership but more of whether he needs to move to a cell which would challenge him more and help him to grow. Although he kept assuring me that should he leave, it is not about me and more about spiritual growth, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe the cell needs to make way for a better leader, maybe this cell needs to be disbanded... I don't know and I won't want to know. I am tired, very tired struggling and at this point in time, I just want out! I do not understand why God had put me in this position to only allow this to happen. Coupled with all the things that are happening in my life now, I just don't want to think anymore. Just when I was making my way back home zombified from all the things that had happened today, a big lorry just pulled up in front of me with a big mattress and I remember thinking to myself "How wonderful it is if I can just lie down and rest and not think about anything?". In fact, I felt so tired that I started to draft an email to my members about the state of things and want to hear from them about where they want this cell to go; I wanted to just pour out my heart and if they want a closure, I will respect that. But then, I soon after chucked the draft aside in the draft folder and decided not to talk about this issue until at least after this Saturday's outreach event. It has come to the end of the year and it may just be the right time for me to reconsider my ministry as CG leader, just before I sign the leadership covenant in Jan next year.

I was so emotionally drained by the end of the day, that I decided not to attend a friend's wedding dinner; not in the right state to anyway, nor visit my dad. I just needed some time to myself and some time away... I asked God a lot of "why me" questions the whole of the day and at this point in time, I just find it difficult to extol the Lord.

Old Testament Challenge, So What?

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Last week, Old Testament Challenge (OTC) rounded up for our church and there was a good sermon rounding up the main lesson about the OTC; that the Old Testament and in fact the bible is about who God is (His character, His love) and who we are as well as how God reaches out, throughout the history of mankind documented in the bible, sending kings, priests and even prophets after prophets to bring people back to God, and ultimately sending Christ to bore our sins on the cross.

Testimonies about how OTC has changed lives were also shared and frankly, I had also thought of sharing my own testimony but I guessed I did not have the courage to write something for the whole congregation and I also did not managed to do it in time. Anyway, thought that it might be a good time to also round up OTC at cell level and have everyone share their experience and their testimonies, if any. I myself looked through OTC and penned down the following:

OTC had indeed been a challenge for me because it documented the most intense period of my spiritual growth with ups and downs because it coincided with my stepping up to cell leadership. I won't say that it has been an easy time but it has been a time of intense growth and I have surprisingly grown leaps and bounds. I have always joked that maybe because I had backslided for 15 years, God placed me on the fast track of spiritual growth. Looking back, it is just amazing how much things are different:

• In the past, I did not know how to pray but can now I pray with confidence and words just come naturally as I pray
• In the past, I hardly touch the bible but with cell preparation, I have come to see the bible in a different light, learning new things about God's character and love and also having His word "leaping" out to me when I needed to hear from God
• Despite coming out of the Da Vinci Code having doubts about God, how I have come to realise how real He is in my life, more God-aware and also learning to fear and love Him more.
• I have come to experience how real God is in my life and how He is in control and guides me not only at work but also in ministry, putting me on a modular system on cell leadership, speaking to me week after week and also feeling that He ministers and leads cell through me
• I have come to learn to rely more on God and to trust His plans for our lives, even though I sometimes do not understand things.
• I had been healed of unforgiveness after 2 years and walking confidently

As I look through OTC, I have learnt much through the following sessions:

• Week 6 (God the Lawgiver): How the law has been given out of God's love to protect our relationship with Him and what is important is living out the spirit of the law i.e. love the Lord your God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind and loving our neighbor as ourself rather than living the letter of the law.
  
• Week 10 (The Law of the First Step): How we should always remember God's faithfulness in our lives because we tend to forget like the Israellites, which is why God commanded in Exodus 16:32 for the people to keep the manna given to them to remind future generations and also in Joshua 4:20-24 where Joshua explained that the 12 stones from the Jordan serves to remind the people of how He brought them across the Jordan River
• Week 13 (Intercepting Spiritual Entropy): How Naomi had been a spiritual impact to Ruth, who subsequently became part of the lineage of Jesus (even though she is a Moabite) and this reminded me about how we are making spiritual impact on others' lives; about how Salvation is for all and how God has His plans for everyone even when it seems bleak
• Week 15 & 17 (Saul: Where is Your Confidence & David: Developing a Heart for God): How our confidence should be on God who never fails and not on man who can fail us; How we can start well but not end well e.g. Saul and Eli; how God looks at our hearts and not our rituals and outward appearances; how God has His plans and in time it will come to be fulfilled;
• Weeks 18 and 19 (The Height and Depths of Prayer & The Greatest Prayers of all Times): How we can be honest and truthful in worshipping God, just as I was going through a time of doubting God and got ministered to by Don Moen's song "I Will Sing"

I can go on and on but then these are just the few lessons I have taken away from OTC.