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We are all discoverers... travelling the world, learning its truths, its people and its meanings every single day. Grab your backpacks and let's embark on this journey of mine, one that holds a lot of meaning to me... Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Saturday, August 20, 2005

 

Grieving Heart, Angry Head

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This period seems to be one of great complexity and dilemma.

Take this blog for example, I am starting to feel the chore of updating it but yet I derive great joy and peace being able to express how I really am feeling and being able to see themes and other revelations, as I revisit my life for the day...

Anyway, I totally had no morale to work today. I arrived at my office 30 minutes late, but yet proceeded to MacDonald's to buy breakfast for myself and my colleagues. Today's theme seems to be "grief". Despite the bad working relationship I had with some of my colleagues, all these just didn't seem as important anymore. I mean, there is still some ill feelings but then, it just seem more transient today. I was thinking: "almost everyone, including myself, is leaving, why does it matter so much anymore?". I eventually reached office with my breakfast and handed everyone their share. I started to stare at my computer screen, wondering what to do next. I finally decided what to occupy myself with for the rest of the day and was making very little effort to plan for other things. Just didn't want to overwork myself anymore; not worth it.

Later in the day, in the evening, I found myself sitting at the reception area of my centre, all alone (the rest had left after the evening meeting and those remaining were in another room discussing some other matters). I surveyed my surroundings and my eyes eventually landed on a notice board. As I glanced at the names of the ex-staff who had once worked here but now have left, I could not help but feel deeply saddened that things have to turn out this way. Now, the centre seems like an empty shell. Several times in the day, my eyes somehow "crossed paths" with some of my colleagues' eyes and I could sense their despair at how things have turned out. Some would repeatedly say to me, day after day, how sad this whole saga has turned out and all I could do is shrug my shoulders and say "What can we do?" In the end, I can't comment much because I am leaving too.

I am really grieving at the anticipated loss of connections. After all, I have come a long way with my colleagues and have forged a close working relationship with some of them. I will miss the times I spent with them. Had also met my other social work friends from neighbouring centres for lunch today and boy am I going to miss my bonds with them too. I also grief the parting with my work. As I sat in the evening meeting with the association members, I can't help but feel saddened that my paths will not longer cross with their's anymore. Some of them learnt of my resignation and were caught by surprise, only to repeatedly ask me why I was leaving and asked me to stay. Even though so, I still found myself participating actively in that discussion group, which makes me even more confused: ain't I supposed to no longer be passionate?

My vice president called me on the phone earlier in the evening to request that I reconsider my resignation. However, I stood my ground and maintained that I will leave the organization. I had been too hurt by the whole incident and would just like to leave... for the first time in many weeks, I teared while talking to him on the phone... the whole experience was just too painful to revisit. In the end, I just wonder whether I am asked to stay because of my working capability or because management cares?

Had a staff meeting today which further upsetted me and strengthened my resolution to leave. It seems that with almost half of the organization gone, the plan is only to recruit 2 staff to replace the ex-staff. I was truly unhappy to hear that there is no intention to replace the other staff and that work will be redistributed amongst the remaining staff with very little adjustments to remunerations. The proposed HR policies were also very rigid, in view how overloaded some of the staff already are. This further add on to the feeling I have, that staff are dispensible and are just tools to get things done. I seriously want no part in this new structure and will maintain that I leave at the end of September. I have repeatedly reminded that management needs to be real sensitive and rebuild staff morale during this critical period, but do not know if this advice will be heeded. I just feel that enough damage is done and we need to rebuild than further demolish. I rest my case...

OK time to sleep... To be continued... and I of course hope this blog will bring more good news than bad... enough of a sad sad blog... Maybe, for the remaining time I have in the organization, I should cherish and celebrate some of the things, rather than lament and lament.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

 

Seeking Meaning

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Dead beat...

Anyway, today's theme seems to be "The Meaning of Life". With all the uncertainty experienced yesterday, I seem to be seeking some form of stability and started to reflect on my purpose in life. This, especially since I am going to lose something which has been a big part of my life for the past few years, seems to be crucial at this point in time. I just need some closure and some assurance that I am heading the right way; not wanting to turn back and regret my decision...

So, how do I find this purpose? Inevitably, while thinking about this, I started to reflect on my life, to see if I am leading a purpose-driven life... started to craft out a simple checklist for myself to use in various stages of my life:

Philosophy of Life:
What is my philosophy of life? What is my attitude and approach to life? Seems that I have added a new philosophy to my existing 4...

  • Always give others the benefit of the doubt
  • Do unto others as I want others to do unto me
  • Always do my best in everything I do
  • Always learn from others
  • Always be genuine towards others
After this whole saga, I realize how much I value genuineness... I think this might be closely linked to my yearning for safety that I identified at my Satir course last year. I can only feel safe amongst people who I feel are genuine with me. I am seriously sick of games people play when they don't say what they mean. In the same way that I remain genuine in my interactions with others, I do expect the same from them in order for them to be in my ranks of friends.

Priorities:
I think in order to have a bearing of where we want to go and lead a meaningful life, we need to know our priorities. We are faced with decisions at every stage of our lives and we need to know what our priorities are in order to make the right decision. At the end of the day, do we want tangible stuff like wealth etc or more intangible stuff such as relationshps etc. For me, it is more the latter, at least more so than the tangible stuff.

Passion:
Passion is what drives us in our life. We need to wake up each day feeling excited about something; a cause. For me, I am still discovering what my real passion is, especially at a time like this when I am grieving the loss of something which I had been so passionate about for the past few years...

Purpose:
What is my purpose in life? How do I make use of my giftings? Who do I serve and who do I work with? Where do I need to be? Incidentally, I met up with my ex-supervisor today and during the course of our conversation, she suggested that I read the book "The Purpose-Driven Life". Guess I may pick up the book to read soon, right timing anyway. I do recognize that I have a gifting for working with people, being able to understand people and help them feel supported and loved. I also do recognize that I have very strong organizational skills. However, "where will this eventually lead me?", I ask.

Progress:
How am I different from the "old" me? What is better? I believe that every bad situation and experiences will also have its positives. For me at this point, for example, I can see that I had developed professionally. I am also more confident now and am making more realistic expectations of myself. I am more self-aware. Of course, I had also picked up lots of management skill. Indeed, my stay at this organization has not been in vain, despite the bad experiences.

Possibilities & Potentials:
The world is so full of problems, we can either be preoccupied with that and be immobilized or see possibilities and potentials. While I am unsure whether the decision of moving into IT is a wise one, I do see the possibility of myself developing further in various other aspects. Indeed, I am really hopeful of being in satisfying relationships with others again.

Personal Care:
I am starting to self-care and am more self-aware now. Being passionate about something is good but being too enmeshed with something so much so that one loses his/her own self is just too unhealthy. I will do my best to not allow this to happen again. I need to learn how to self-care for myself when I need to. I owe it to myself, and not others, to care for myself.

Meeting my ex-supervisor today did do me some good too. She had reminded me that despite I had been failed by many other people, someone will never fail me, and that is God. In many ways, I feel that I had failed him instead, for having back-slided for so long. My ex-sup however reminded me that having believed in him for so many years and still doing so and feeling remorse, that speak a great deal of my faith in him. In fact, I have promised her to visit her church for their opening ceremony this Sunday. Let's hope I will not back out. :)

Past Baggage:
Everyone has past baggages which impact the way they conduct their lives. I, too, have my past baggages and am currently being proactive in doing something about it. Only when I let go of past baggages that I can move forward.

Perspective:
I have learnt that this world is made up of differing perspectives. Everyone can have different perspectives on the same thing. I should respect that and shall also be open to other's perspective. I shall keep my own perspective in check and hear others' out.

A sight caught my eye on my way to work: a bird spreading its wings and soaring on, riding the wind. I think, with the right attitude, we can also ride our lives and enjoy every moment of it.

Getting sleepy again, not even sure what I had typed earlier on made sense... ok going to zzz.

 

Life: As Good As It Gets?

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Couldn't get to sleep as yet...

Anyway, this question stays in my mind... "Why do some people make life miserable for other people?"

I truly understand that everyone has a story behind... everyone has different life experiences and priorities but do people have to make life difficult for other people?

Maybe it is just me being cranky again but saw some people being inconsiderate on public transport today and can't help but wanna tell these people off... Why can't people be sensitive to other people?

I am sure you would have met people who, upon boarding the train, lean against the grab pole, as if they own the grab pole and other commuters do not need to hold onto it... seen one such case today. And to make things worse, she and her friend was talking to each other and her friend was standing in the middle of the train entrance, clearly blocking people (and the train was not even full)... and she does not seem to feel that she is in the wrong. People have to basically contort their body in order to make their way into the train and this lady even have the audacity to stare at a girl who somehow pushed her way through... some people are just not self-aware and ego-centric!

Another sight that greatly pisses me off is when people take the outer seat on a bus, not wanting to move in despite the seat being vacant. I can understand that everyone has the right to exercise their choice as to where they want to sit but then, for heaven's sake, if you are not alighting soon, or not holding onto a lot of things or big bags, please move in especially when the bus is crowded. It is as if there is some unwanted "guest" sitting besides them.

Some people are just so inconsiderate!

OK, enough of lamenting... Time to sleep or I will have a horrible time keeping awake at work tomorrow... hopefully I get less cranky soon... don'y really like the present me...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

 

Uncertainty Looms

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I am starting to be unsure of myself (again)...

Went for my job interview today and I would say it went quite well... Seems like chances of getting the job seems good since the interview went on for more than an hour and my interviewer even brought me through, in great details, the business of the company and what I am supposed to do there. Well, won't know the results until 1 week later when the big boss returns and reviews my application.

Anyway, I am starting to be unsure about myself again, not sure if it is a good choice to leave social work and come into this semiconductor line, doing marketing... I am quite excited at what I am going to do but then this is really something new... it seems that my passion remains working with people rather than machines... However, it also seems like a bit unfair to pull out now since my friend had helped me to secure this interview...

Yes, I want to leave my current job because of all the unhappiness but then I am not sure whether am I using this job as an excuse for my exit... I am so afraid that I might not like this new job... but then how would I know if I do not try? I think it doesn't help that in the afternoon, I was sharing with another friend what I did as a Medical Social Worker. I had so much to say and went on and on about my work experience and how I had grown when I was in social work... I really wonder what am I doing to myself, am I taking the correct path; to exit from the field... but I need to be healed... I need sometime away from people who would remind me of all the unhappiness I had experienced.

I have became so uncertain, I had also changed the URL to my blog... not sure if it is fair to speak of my organization in the way I did yesterday. I mean, I am not blaming my organization and management but then it is true that the experience working there over the past few months had been an unhappy one... Anyway, I changed my blog URL until a time I am ready to put it back on at the old URL again.

I am again wondering what people are saying behind me about my resignation, I am becoming very unstable again, so much so it is hurting all over again... I am really tired of all these... Do people feel I am using my resignation as a threat? Why did I receive an email from my management thanking me and a few other staff for staying in the new restructured organization? Haven't I made myself clear that I am leaving? So much uncertainty looms...

Better sleep soon... hopefully tomorrow will get better.

 

Colourful Gamut of Emotions

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OK, am going to give blogging a try. Had my reservations about blogging because it is so much of "exposure" into my private world. Anyway, have decided to give it a try, seems to be the trend anyway... besides, seems that writing and documenting my life journey does have its benefits; at least it allows me to take a step back and take a retrospective look at happenings in my life, reflect on what went wrong, celebrate triumphs and remind myself of the things I treasure most.

Today seems to not be a typical day for me; it is a day filled with much sadness, heartache, joy and anticipation - all in one day. The past few months had been a terrible time for me, having faced so much problems at work and my personal life, so much so I am no longer smiling radiantly as before (a trademark of being me). But today, I have finally experienced joy again.

Morning was a but boring, was literally dragging myself to work since for the past 2 nights, I had not been getting a good rest; partly because of what has been going on at work and me making the painful decision of resigning and moving on, partly because of me scaring myself silly by playing a scary X-Box game my friend lent me and watching "Incredible Tales" yesterday night. Of course, doesn't help that this is the Chinese seventh month (Ghost Festival). Anyway, was late for work again and arrived in morning at my almost empty office. Getting real depressing now, with 50% of the organization gone. Difficult period it is for the management, but also a difficult period for the staff. Can't help but feel the restructuring exercise was handled badly... Anyway, I don't blame anyone but things just happened... everyone tried their best.

Received a call from a friend who happened to also be from the Executive Committee. Told me how the news about me resigning has caught some in the management by surprise and how they are sending reps to speak to me to ask me to stay. This indeed felt good (for a while) to know I am being valued as a staff but my mind is made up and I am going to leave. Was asked why I was leaving and in my heart I was thinking "not again..." I have seriously reached the stage whereby I really do not wish to gripe anymore about my situation and hope to really move on. Anyway, I really cannot remember exactly why the decision to leave but it was definitely made with careful consideration; I know that I am no longer happy working there and all I ask is to be respected for my decision to leave. I would tell whoever who spoke to me that I am leaving not because of pay but because I am seriously unhappy at work and I owe it to myself to do something for myself. After working here, things became clearer to me that I do have certain expectations of my bosses and these are just not met. I have been disappointed again and again and I just do not wish to live with more disappointment. Feeling of not being valued as a staff, feeling of not being supported and understood, feeling of not being treated with professional integrity and not trusted, feeling of being used and several other feelings of anger and disgust at politics and people not being genuine despite saying so, frustration with nature of work etc all brought me to this path. Too much has happened, including how my friendship also soured because of work and how transition was handled insensitively, I just want to move on. There is no point in me staying anymore and no point in me griping and griping to my friends... I need to do something for myself and I am moving on... I am likened to a balloon that sees the destination but can no longer fly because I have lost all my helium. I no longer wear my association's collar badge anymore... things were definitely different in the past when I would go nowhere without my association's badge on...

Angry I am also that here I am giving an additional month of notice for my resignation so that ample time is for transition and for me to hand over my work but nothing much seems to be done about getting my replacement. Think I am just getting cranky nowdays... no wonder my friends say they don't see me smile any more. Am still going on with my work professionally but with very little passion... no point in staying...

Am really experiencing a whole gamut of emotions now... on one hand I am angry with what is happening but also guilty. I feel guilty that I am leaving my organization in the lurch, at a critical period like this. I feel guilty for "betraying" my friends, who have just taken office as EXCO members and colleagues for leaving like this, especially since I know that the committee has been working very very hard in the last 1 month to get things on track and has been bombarded by staff again and again. I feel saddened that I have to leave something that has been a big part of my life for 1 year plus. But then again, I remind myself that I am not indispensible and I am NOT my organization. My recent vacation has made me realized how much I had neglected myself, how much I have to reclaim myself back... I cannot be living for people all the time, to my own detriment. I have suffered enough and it is time to move on. I can only look back in appreciation of how I have developed and the bonds that I have built with people while working here. Am also fortunate to be able to "survive" through all these with the wonderful support my friends have been giving me, standing by my side and making me feel that i am not all alone. At the end of the day, I believe I have done my best and things just didn't work out, so I am moving on...

Am filled with anticipation with the job interview tomorrow. Haven't really prepared for the interview tomorrow but hope it goes well. Luckily I am on off the whole of tomorrow which gives me time to prep. Am just going to try my best to "interview" my prospective employer to see if we match each other. If successful, shall be leaving the social work field for the time being to really develop myself in other ways. I just need sometime to heal. Does feel good that my friend has confidence in my work and recommended me to his boss, now it is up to me to secure that job.

Wow, just came back from "The Ark" Cafe with my JC classmate, and wow it was wonderful. Had always liked going to such "Ming Ge" cafes... There is just that something special which makes the experience so memorable. Songs really help me to unwind, allow me to experience a whole array of feelings and help me to reflect on my life at this point; some songs really speak to you at points of your life, especially those which have reminiscence value and have accompanied you through periods of your life. The singers also never fail to make you feel at home, as if you are friends with them... Most important of all, I like to see how they work together, the bonds they have, their chemistry and friendship they share, all make me long for the kind connection they enjoy and share between themselves. Life as an adult is really different from the time I was a student... things were so much more easier then and friends were more genuine with less problems. Now, most of my friends can only say "if only we could go back in time to those carefree days as students..." Working life is really different.

Anyway, this had been a real long first entry... do hope this will not be the first and last... akan datang... Am gonna sleep now... adios!

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