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We are all discoverers... travelling the world, learning its truths, its people and its meanings every single day. Grab your backpacks and let's embark on this journey of mine, one that holds a lot of meaning to me... Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Saturday, December 02, 2006

 

Lord, I Long to Know Your Will

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Dear God,

I really really long to know your will. Sometimes, I just hope I can hear you clearly, I really yearn to know your will. "Thy will be done, as earth as in heaven"

Recently, I have been struggling to discern your calling. You have called me to this job and you have called me to reach out to my friend in the cult. But are you now calling me to something else? Are you now calling me to another job and to take up ministry by serving as a cell group leader-in-training? Both I am not certain because both involves some level of insecurities on my part.

Called and Blessed
Last year, you have called me to this job. When I made the painful decision to leave my previous job, I had backslided from you. But somehow, working in a Christian organisation came to mind and I remember telling myself "no" because I will feel uncomfortable working in a Christian organisation being a backslider. Then, my ex-supervisor came along and brought me back to you. This opened the path to my current job when I was asked, a few weeks later, whether I would like to apply for my current job. I was now freed from the bondage of guilt for having backslided. And I can see why you had called me to my current job because there is a match between my skills and my job and I also saw how you have blessed my work again and again over the past few months, which served to confirm your calling. But now, I am not sure if I am reading too much into things and cannot be certain if I am called to another job? The volunteer programme which I have been called to develop has barely started to develop. Is this time to leave?

Called to Something Else?
First, it started with Doulos. When Doulos came into town and I went on board to see the ship, I actually entertained the thought of volunteering on board the ship. Then came the time when I was to share in my department devotion and the topic for the day in Our Daily Bread happens to be on "Hearing God's calling". And then, I am asked again and again, on four separate occasions, whether I am considering a change of work environment. It really doesn't help that in recent weeks, I have been facing many little struggles and frustration at work; both with myself and with the state of things. And when I observed the volunteers at work on Thursday, seeing them conscientiously putting in all they have to care for the elderly, it made me keen to be engaged in direct social work once again. The image of them carrying the elderly up and down the buses despite perspiring profusely (while I uselessly stood aside to observe) and the appreciative smiles I saw on the elderly's face really stayed with me and touched me. And then yesterday, my ex-supervisor asked me if I am considering going back to Medical Social Work?

The Gifting of Writing
Then God, you surfaced another gifting of mine in recent weeks; the gift of writing. While my writing skills are yet to be further developed, you have given me quite a number of opportunities in recent weeks to showcase my writing ability. To my surprise, despite being new to writing, I was asked on two separate occasions to write and had people affirming me on my writing skills. To my surprise, I also found joy in writing but seriously, I did not think of much about my writing ability despite the affirmations. In fact, this little showcasing has somewhat got me into a fix recently when I was asked to contribute articles. Nevermind that, but I am just thinking why is this writing ability being surfaced now? Am I to be called to do something in this area?

The Calling to be CLT?
And then recently I am being called to rise up to be a cell group leader in training (CLT) and I am not the least confident about it. In fact, I kind of made up my decision today after coming back from a cell group gathering, that I will not take up the challenge but only to have more "signs" to further confuse me. I have always struggled with my introvertedness and today, I just felt so "invisible" again amidst the gathering of people. In a way, it felt kind of horrible wanting to connect with people but not being able to; every time I try to open my mouth to chat, the conversation just does not sustain. And I was thinking "how do I become a CLT like that?". Socially, I am not ready and that is a major obstacle now standing in the way to accepting the challenge to be a CLT. I decided "no, I am not going to rise up to the challenge".

God Calls for a Reason
But then, you sent a fellow colleague who talked to me and shared about calling. I have never thought that I would speak to her but a recent project has brought us together discussing the project. She called me on my way home and through the conversation, I was affirmed and encouraged by her as she shared how the recent project also spoke to her. Her sharing made me realised that God calls people for a reason and sometimes you will not know it until much later. I apologized to her for not helping much on Thursday but to my surprise, she shared that my presence did help because it did put her at ease since her bosses were not around and this was the first time managing volunteers (and it doesn't help that it is a large group). But one thing was clear, God has watched over the project because this is a massive project, this is the first time the home is working with such a big group of volunteers, this is the first time the volunteers are volunteering outside of their camp and this is the first time my colleague is managing volunteers but everything went superbly well and so did the weather. It was raining minutes before the volunteers came and all of us prayed fervently that the rain will stop, so that the elderly will have a good time at the zoo with the volunteers and it did! Glory be to God for watching over the project!

Clear Signs?
Just as I ended my phone conversation with my colleague, my dad took out a VCD sermon and played it. A song suddenly caught my attention:

I'm held by Your love
Lyrics Composer : Karen Lim, New Creation Church

I'm held by Your love,
upheld by Your strength;
On Your shoulders You bore me,
by Your faith I stand;
Cherished by You, Lord,
treasured in Your sight;
So close to Your heart,
held firm in Your hands.

Not by my wisdom,
not by my strength;
Gently You guide me,
lead me by Your hand;
Total surrender,
Jesus, I am Yours;
Now and forever,
in Christ I now stand.

So awesome is Your love,
so mighty is Your hand;
On eagle's wings You carry me;
Your grace shall be my strength;
So perfect is Your love,
You sacrificed Your Son;
Amazing love reached out to me;
With joy to You I come.

I have never heard this song before but then it spoke to me, especially the second stanza. Incidentally, the sermons these two weeks were on the "reverential" fear of God. Then Noah's story was used for cell discussion yesterday. Noah was called to built an ark because God was so upset with the world and wanted to wipe everything out with a flood. He called out to Noah to build an ark and meanwhile gave 120 years for the people to repent (and 120 years is a long long time). Then it rained and everything living was wiped out. After the discussion, we were asked where we are in God's calling? Are we outside the ark? Are we building the ark? Are we inside the ark and waiting for the flood to subside? But Noah got to hear very clearly from God. Or maybe it is already clear but I am just not taking the step of faith forward because of many insecurities?

God, speak to me, I long to know thy will.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

 

What a Bum!

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I have a confession to make: I feel so much like a bum today!

Firstly, I made my way late to work today, very late. I have a group of close to 400 volunteers visiting one of my centres today and I was asked to go down to lend a helping hand. They were expected to arrive about 11.30am but most importantly, the group which I am supposed to supervise, was to arrive only at about 1pm. So my initial plan was to report to work as usual, then leave for the centre with another two colleagues from another department, who were going there to take some photos. But yesterday night, I received a call from the centre's coordinator telling me that the group of volunteers which I will be supervising, will be arriving at 11.30am instead.

To make things worst, I am not sure why road works were even allowed after 11pm and the pounding of the road went on on till maybe about 1am? With the din going on, it was just not possible to sleep! Needless to say, I have problem waking up the next morning (in fact, I have problem waking up EVERY morning). So, when I woke up and looked at my watch, I seriously felt so tempted to just go back into slumber. So, I decided to leave direct from my house to the centre slightly later, at about 9.30am (since I foresee ending late at the centre), to take a 1.5 hours bus ride to the centre (excuse, excuse). But again, I overslept and had no choice but to rush down in a taxi and reached there at 11am.

Well, I was still early but my two colleagues from the other department saw me and somehow, I told them I came from home... oh no! That becomes very clear that I started work late since they did not see me in office. I felt so so guilty about it... why have I become like this? Maybe, it is coupled with my recent lethargy but again that might be an excuse... anyway, I felt so horrible the whole day and just can't believe why did I ever do a thing like that? I felt so much like a cheat!

And then, I also felt so USELESS today. I was told to go to the centre to help out and even though I kept asking what my specific role was, I was just told to supervise the volunteers. Deep inside me I am thinking, how am I to supervise when I am not even from that centre; how do I know what is to be cleaned, where do I find the cleaning equipments, where do I find the decorations, who is the staff in-charge etc? True enough, I ended up floating here and there having nothing much to do because the volunteers were doing such a good job coordinating themselves. In fact, there were several times my legs hurt from all the the walking but I can find no good place to rest... I couldn't rest in front of my volunteers because already I am not doing much and now I am resting in front of them. I couldn't rest in front of the centre staff for the same reasons too... so I rested a bit in where else but the washroom... Occasionally, I continue to walked about aimlessly, feeling useless and have nothing to do. Time wasn't helping me either and was ticking by so slowly.

Then, since I wasn't in a good form today, I also had difficulty interacting with the volunteers. At one point in time, the coordinator from the centre came up to me and asked me to "PR" with the volunteers. Me?! PR?! An introvert?! No choice la, duty calls, at least there is something for me to do now. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it... I have been feeling restless in recent weeks, felt horrible about my late-coming and now, have to be functionally extroverted... you can't imagine how much of a failure I felt I was when I could not interact with the volunteers and kept kicking myself when I realised I did not even smile or appreciate them. Sighhhhhh

What a bum!

My headache aches so much now...

Ooo, but I want to thank God for blessing the project and for blessing us with good weather and that no one got hurt during the outing to the zoo. It was starting to rain just minutes before the volunteers arrive and I started to request for prayer from my colleague in my office and thank God, the rain eventually stopped. So glad that the beneficiaries had fun at the zoo.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

 

Burnout?

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I have been feeling rather restless lately... it just comes to a stage that I have become so mentally exhausted that sometimes I just do not want to do anything... I just feel so... maxed out...

"Burntout" by Marzie

Sick and Tired
Think things have not been going that well at work and I have been facing little struggles. As I was rushing my latest report to management, I can't help but feel that somehow, I have reached the maximum I can go in developing the volunteer programme. I am not tired with the work (in fact, I love my work) but am just tired with having to deal with the same problems cropping up again and again.


It is one of those situations where you know you have done your part and somehow because others are not doing their's, you have to pick up the pieces. And I have been facing this again and again at various points in time this year, sometimes I feel so... taken for granted... For example, whenever I refer a volunteer to a centre for placement, there is sometimes no proper follow-up. Some referrals have been pending for months now with no follow-up and I keep getting phonecalls from upset volunteers enquiring on their placement status. And I feel so tired apologizing again and again to them, on behalf of my colleagues, for the delay. Frankly, our organization has no lack of volunteer signups but just a lack of resources to handle the signups. I don't blame my colleagues because I know they are so overloaded with work (unlike me, they are not volunteer coordinators but somehow have this function of managing volunteers included into their JD). So, I do not make it a point to "chase" after them that badly but the fact remains that I am just tired of dealing with the same problem again and again.

Count Me Out
Then, to make this "being taken for granted" feeling worse, in recent weeks, I have people "conveniently" engaging my services in managing volunteers in their projects, sometimes without even asking whether I am OK with it. But I know that I have to play a part in this too... maybe I just need to be more assertive. In fact, I have got so tired of coordination work, I just do not want to do any more coordination work anymore... two weeks ago, my cell group leader requested for my help to co-coordinate a BBQ for our cell and I declined her. I had also told a friend that I am unable to coordinate his housewarming when he asked me to help send out the message to our fellow friends. In fact, I realized that I have come to a point now I am so sick and tired of coordination work I am conveniently pushing some of these to my new colleague while I engaged myself in other tasks like sending out calendar and cards to my corporate volunteers, updating my volunteer newsletter, doing minutes for a recent meeting, typing the volunteer programme report for my management and other programme development stuff. A part of me feel guilty about doing so while another part of me just dislike coordination work so much I wanted out of it for the time being.

Having a Break
In fact, it kind of went on for sometime now and recently, when I went on board Doulos, I started to have funny ideas about just quitting my job and going on board to serve as a volunteer, travelling around the world and, as their purpose suggests, "bringing knowledge, help and hope". Somehow, there is something thrilling about working on board a Christian ship. But deep inside me, I know that this is not possible anytime in the near future (ok, I can't swim). Then, I started having the funny idea of just taking sabbatical leave (no-pay leave) and just going somewhere to work in a cafe all day... just a job which does not require me to fry my brain... OK OK, maybe I am just mentally tired... have just applied for 5 days leave so I can rest away from work for a whole stretch for the most of the last part of December till 2007. Let's see if that helps. Maybe I do not dare to leave as well because somehow I feel I have been called to this place by God to use my gifting and my work does not seem to be done as yet.

Another Calling?
Just as I am facing all these and keep telling myself that I need to pace myself and stop taking on additional stuff outside of work, my cell group Area Overseer-in-training (AOT) asked if I would like to rise up to take the role of a cell group leader-in-training (CLT) for my cell. This came as a surprise, or in fact, as a shock. Somehow, I can never picture myself as a cell group leader. It was a long talk with my AOT and I am just holding back because of three things:
  1. Spiritual Walk with God - I am not strong in my walk. In fact, I am not as committed as I want to be and do not even have regular quiet time with God, let alone read the bible. I am just concerned at how I am going to be a CLT with my current level of spiritual commitment?
  2. My Introvertedness - Something that I have been struggling for the longest of time. I find it strange that some people describe me as being an extrovert but I am, without a doubt, an introvert. Maybe I can sometimes be functionally extroverted but that really zaps the energy out of me... Doesn't help that my current job as a volunteer coordinator requires me to meet and interact with people. I do want to be extroverted but am just very tired whenever I try to do so. I just don't foresee how I am going to be a CLT when part of the role of a CLT is to welcome people and interact with others?
  3. My Busy Life - I am so mentally exhausted now that I just keep telling myself I am going to pace myself next year and not be so "kay poh" to take on so many things onto myself but here comes a new commitment. I know it is a matter of priorities and if this is God's calling, it should come first. But somehow, I am just so afraid to take that step. Being a CLT is no joke because there seems to be so many things I need to do and now, I have to prepare for cell on a weekly basis. To think that preparing for department devotion once in a very long while is tiring but now it is going to be on a weekly basis.
I do not know what to make of this, especially since I do not know if this is yet another calling from God. Somehow, it doesn't help that I was thinking about calling when on board Doulos and that the Daily Bread article I used for sharing during last Tuesday's department devotion was on "hearing God's call". Sigh... My AOT encouraged me to carefully consider taking up the challenge, so did my current CLT. I also messaged the "friend who was beginning to hate me" (now not really liaoz la) about my struggle and the message that came back is

"actually, there are only three biblical requirements... humility, availability and teach-ability. Other factors are not considered. U should gauge according to these three. As God suppose to do the rest. It's servanthood and total dependence on Him."

He went on to ask me, if I were to go home one day to heaven and God were to play a video on my life on His cinematic plasma TV, what would it be like? Interesting question. The answer is clear but then I am still bothered by my three factors. Just last Sunday, my AOT and my CLT lent me two books, "How You Can Be Led by the Spirit of God" by Kenneth E. Hagin and "Jesus on Leadership" by C. Gene Wilkes to read. Aiyah, I am not the kind of person who read but then I guess I wanted an answer so started reading a bit. Will continue to pray about it.

On a sidenote... I am not sure why but then in recent times, I am starting to find children innocent, cute and adorable. Oh no, am I starting to think about finding a partner and starting a family? No la, not now.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

 

A Humbling Experience

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I just returned from volunteering as a fundraiser and while it is tiring, it has indeed been a meaningful evening. Since I am a volunteer coordinator, I thought that it would be a good idea to also try my hand at being a fundraiser. And so I signed up to help out with The Salvation Army's Christmas Kettle Appeal as a bellringer for a couple of hours in town. Those few hours were both humbling and as well an eye-opener for me.

You see, I am an introvert and for me to take up the bell, wear a red apron, stand in the middle of town ringing the bell and beckoning to everyone to donate is just about the last thing an introverted person would do. Initially, I felt rather embarrassed and kept asking myself why I am subjecting myself to such "torture" and embarrassment. But as time went by, I began to realize that it is no longer about myself but about the needy and underprivileged who I am raising funds for. I stopped feeling embarrassed and seriously went all out; smiling at everyone who walked past and beckoning to everyone to donate.

"Hi, would you like to donate?" and I went on and on the whole night. And I figured out that while I am at it, I might as well have fun! And so, regardless whether people donated, I joyfully utter "thank you" and merry christmas" whenever there was at least a response from them e.g. people stepping up to donate or people just smiling and shaking their heads. To me, I really appreciate at least a small response to me rather than treating me as invisible.


It was also an eye opener. Call it donor fatigue or whatever but Singaporeans seems to have devised many ways to avoid donating and that really saddens me. I always feel that if you do not want to donate, just smile and respond. You never will know how much that would encourage the fundraiser who had stood there for hours and had many people treating them like invisible.

When I was there yesterday, most people treated me as invisible and walked right past me as if I did not exist. Some even avoided me and I seemed to be a magnet which repelled them away from the zone within which I was standing in. Some walked past, saw us, dug into their pockets pretending to search for something and walked right past us. Some whipped out their handphones and started messaging or make/take calls. Most avoided eye contact.

And it also became clear to me that a large majority of people now walk the streets with earphones plugged into their ears. It seems like everybody either had an ipod, mp3 player or a handsfree set plugged into their ears. And as they walk past you, they seem to quicken their pace and give you the message "stay away from me" despite being able to see that someone in front of them trying to raise funds for The Salvation Army. Some came up to me, asked for directions and left without donating. Some took more than one pocket calendar from me and left without donating. And what was surprising is that the ones who donated seems to be those in their thirties and above. Seldom will you see youth and young people stopping by to donate. And I can go on and on ranting about all the ugly Singaporeans I see while kettling but gather that I will just stop here.


But what made me real glad is that amidst all these negativity, there were also people who made my day with their little kind gestures. I really thank those who at least responded to me when I called out, asking for donations. I thank the gentlemen who came up to donate and showered me and my fellow volunteer with words of encouragement. I thank the lady jogger who stopped in her path to donate. I thank the gentlemen, who despite being engaged on the phone, nonetheless stopped, whipped out his wallet and contributed to the pot. I thank the parents who gave money to their children to contribute to the pot while standing from afar watching their children donate. I also thanked my fellow colleagues and friends for dropping by to say "hi".

I believe that each of us are blessed in one way or another and we can each play a small part in making life better for the less fortunate. I truly enjoyed my kettling experience and in a way am looking forward to my next session :)

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