In Faith, I Trust

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On Faith
"How do you trust something which you do not see?" asked a friend's sister, who I was sharing Christ with yesterday... It is really something I cannot explain... somehow, over the months, I have been convinced that there is a God and that He is at work in my life (my this very blog is the very testimony of that). Of course, my journey has not been one which has been very dramatic but I have continued to see how God has worked in many small ways, blessing me... It was a sharp contrast to when I had went into spiritual desert after my baptism, a whole 15 years.

Faith = Dangerous?
Actually, I have been thinking about this for a very long time... faith is indeed a dangerous thing and of course, faith in the wrong things can destroy you, just like how some people have used faith and religion to deceive many, e.g. in cults. Thus, I can understand why sometime people remain cautious about religions; because it puts you in such a vulnerable position that you can be used by people. But, to me, it seems almost clear to me that as long as your faith has been placed and focused on something which is undeniably true, it is no issue. People becomes vulnerable when their faith is placed on shakeable and fallible things, like humans, who have the power to sin and destroy, who have the power to be corrupt in mind and yield to the devil and exploit others for their own good. It is after all, normal, since the time when Satan tempted Eve to go against God and Satan will continue to go about destroying that very thing that is precious to God. But not the faith between yourself and God. Which is sometimes why I tend to frown upon people who focus too much on the songs and pastors of a church, so much more even more than God. There is a tendency to be vulnerable because we can never know when man becomes fallible. Pastors, sermons and worship sessions are meant to be a time to bring us in closer communion with God and the focus should all still be on God.

Faith and Fear
OK, why have I digressed? My initial intention was to come in to type a short thanksgiving to God for guiding the cell group discussion session but somehow, it got me thinking about faith. I guess, this period, my struggle seems to be that of faith... I mean, things haven't been smooth flowing for me and I have not always trusted God (see the time my faith was tested when by the movie, The Da Vinci Code)... I had my moments of doubt and as I was being called to become a cell leader recently, my faith is again put to the test... I relied much on my own strength and had always lamented that I could not feel God in my life... How to when I refused to let go... One thing that I always remember is that faith and fear goes hand-in-hand; when fear dominates us, it is often faith is low but when we live in faith that God is in control, we fear less (not become fearless).

I known this very well but still struggle to let go and let God. I have experienced how He has come to touch a cell group discussion I have first led a few weeks ago but yet relied on my strength in subsequent meetings I facilitated. But yesterday, I let go and let God. I did all I could, preparing for the meeting yesterday but prayer fervently that God will come forth and bless the meeting. Just before leaving for my cell group, my colleague came to encourage me with a verse from Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thanksgiving
The result: well, for one, I felt less anxious throughout the week (initally, I could not even sleep well during the week when I led cell). Then, at the cell group itself, I was asked by my cell group leader if I could take over the whole cell instead because she was exhausted. To my surprise, I did not lament and make noise (I usually would); there seems to be that little bit of calmness that reassured me that I could do it. Well, the cell group went relatively well and for once, I still not stammer and led the group from beginning till end... somehow, I was also not at a loss for words. For once in a very long time, I also became less anxious about praying and once again, I was made to realise that in prayer, it is not the words that matter but the communion with God. It is only when I focused on God that words came naturally into prayer as I prayed yesterday; no more thinking way in advance how to pray or what to say. In addition, I also became less uptight when talking to people and for once, in a very long time, I was able to connect with people, talking to them about their spiritual walk and praying for them... Although the experience yesterday wasn't as strong as the cell discussion I led a few weeks ago, I nonetheless felt the peace of God with me and thank and praise God for ministering through me... I do not know how long more I can maintain this faith over my fears but then I am reminded:

2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

In fact, I thank God for speaking to me as I was preparing for cell and for giving me the inspiration for an activity to ask everyone to draw a timeline from the time they known Christ till now, to indicate the defining moments in their walk... I do not know how much that ministered to them but I was frankly real happy when I saw many talking and sharing about their walk with one another in their small groups... For me, it made me realise how real God is and how He has worked in my life... it is a good exercise to do once in a long while to remind us abut our walk with God.

Never would I have Imagined...
God has helped me to grow in many ways I would not have thought possible. Never would I have imagine that I would one day work in a Christian organization, never would I have imagined I would be seriously studying the bible, never would I have thought that I would be called to be a cell leader, never would I have imagine that I would be able to pray in front of others, never would I have imagined that God will use me in my life to speak to people and to minister to them, to say the right things at the right time.

Anyway, some updates on my personal life... I am getting a bit worried about my health (not my size) and so, I have started to be regular in my jogging regime after work every Monday and Thursday... Just last Thursday, I was able to job for 2.8km none-stop and although it is not a very long distance, it was still a feat for me to accomplish it without stopping. Was so tempted to stop so many times along the way but pushed on... Me and two of my colleagues also made a pact to start eating soupy stuff for as long as we can, whenever we have the choice... let's see how this will go. I have also visited sister Jane yesterday and I can see that she is still in pain. In fact, when we arrived at her house, she said that she is in a bad state and could not take visitors... Anyway, her family has started to give in to her request for certain kinds of food e.g. ice-cream... think everyone knows she is slowly slipping away so everyone is trying their best to make it easy for sister Jane...

I was looking at Friendster recently and am quite curious... As I was looking through my testimonials given by others... I wondered how I have changed and whether I am still the same old codfishy?

When I Say "I am a Christian"

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Christians
By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting, "I'm clean living'."
I'm whispering, "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

A Whole Salad-Bowl of Emotions

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Affirmations
I also really thank God for sending people to give me affirmations over the last few days. I thank God for people's affirmation to me, about my work and my cheerful disposition, yesterday. The sweetest affirmation of all would be from this colleague who just told me how her relationship with her daughter has gotten better. I thank God that, despite not being a parent, He had used me to speak to this sister-in-christ, sharing about how she could relate to her daughter better from a youth's perspective... Yes, I do feel good but the thought that things are getting better for this colleague and her daughter really make me feel so so glad :)

I also thank God for an affirmation I received from my cell group leader yesterday. It has not been an easy start and when I first took over the sending of cell announcement email, it was either too long-winded or just not right... But today, I received affirmation from my cell group leader that I was doing well in cell announcement email. Well, might not be a big deal but I am really glad I am at least making some small progress :)

Pay Alignment
I understand from boss today that this period is pay alignment period, which means to say that there is a possibility of my pay being "aligned". This itself is good news but somehow I received the news with mixed feelings.

I, for one, am not a person who mind much about pay... job satisfaction is more important to me, at this point in time, than anything else but if indeed there is pay alignment, then that would be an added bonus for me, and I thank God for it. Frankly, I am living rather comfortably with the pay I am getting and other than the occasional purchases of gadgets I get for myself and the occasional pampering, I hardly spend... of course, more money would be good, so I can save up for rainy days e.g. for my parents' medical bill since both my parents are not exactly doing well physically. So, I should welcome this piece of good news shouldn't I?

But, instead, I have mixed feeling. Guess, I feel kind of bad not having performed as well as I had wanted to in the last few months. I am still late for work everyday and yes, although I had been working like a mad man last year, I have kind of gotten a bit lazy this year... work has also slowed down, so I am wondering if indeed I deserve a pay alignment should it come. Receiving a pay alignment would mean that I would be holding myself more accountable, to make sure that I work harder to justify the alignment.

You In Second Trimester?
Hahaha, some people has mentioned that I look fatter and I think it is true... somehow over the new year period, I seemed to have ballooned and not only do I feel fatter (I no longer use the last hole on my belt but the second last hole), I also weigh 4kg heavier... Today, I was talking to my boss and, as a passing remark, mentioned about how others were saying I am a bit fatter. She confirmed that and commented that I seem to really have put on a bit of weight over the last couple of weeks... Amazing how much I can put on in just a few weeks. Some even joked I looked like I am in my second trimester of pregnancy hehehe... But seriously, I am OK... kinda used to being commented about my size but I will try not to give up on my exercise regime... sighhh, seems like none of my New Year resolution is making good progress :(

Kay Poh Me
Actually, I still cannot believe I did it... I landed myself in trouble and only have myself to blame... Well, a friend called to inform me that he is going to coordinate a donation of about 2000kg of rice to be made to my organisation so as to bless our beneficiaries.

I should have, at this point, refer the matter to my PR department for follow-up, since they handle all donations-in-kind. However, the kay poh me went to coordinate a bit, so when I was ready to hand over back to my PR department, it was kind of embarrassing my PR director reminded me I could have handed the case to his department in the first place so I can avoid all the hassle. Well, I really cannot blame anyone but myself... so kay poh :)

No big deal la but somehow I felt horrible and kind of angry with myself for failing to see that I was stepping over my scope of work... I guess my original intention of helping my friend to coordinate kind of made me lose sight of the fact that I was working beyond my scope of work... Glad that my PR director didn't make a big deal out of it but somehow I still feel rather stupid having done that, sighhh...

A Season of Giving Thanks

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Been away for quite a bit now... anyway, amidst life's struggles, I want to also find time to really give thanks for the little blessings I have received thus far in the last week.

My New Toy
First and foremost, I really want to thank God for my latest gadget, my new laptop :) I really thank God for having the ability to afford luxuries like my laptop. Frankly, I struggled for a while whether I should buy a laptop, since it is not really a necessity, rather a want... I no longer needed a laptop for work but since my laptop "departed", I have been feeling a little "disconnected" from cyberspace, and there were occasions I had to vie for the use of the computer with my sister. In fact, recently, I come to realize how reliant I am on technology, so when recently my handphone battery went flat, I ended up feeling very lost. I was going to meet a friend to go to the IT Show but his number is stored in my handphone. So I had to scout around for a phone card. When I failed to find one, I had to buy a sweet for some small change, so I can call another friend to get my friend's number. Boy was that an experience!


Well, I could have sent my laptop for repair but then, I really don't know what was wrong with it and it does look a little battered after 3 years of heavy usage... so, decided I would buy a new one instead... Got quite a good deal from the IT Show 2007. Boy am I glad I did not buy on impulse; the temptation to just flip out my card and make a purchase on-the-spot is so strong, especially when a guy is surrounded by so many gadgets and everything seem like a good deal. Managed to go back to do a bit of research before getting this new laptop the next day. I would say I am not regretting my purchase... $1499 for a Lenovo (Y300) 13 inch laptop with webcam, 1GB ram, relatively good graphic card, light-weight laptop with integrated DVD writer... it is all I have wanted in a portable workstation... now I am back in business with my new laptop :) And also, was attended by this sweet girl, hahaha... she seems like a nice person and my friend was like quite attracted by her sweet personality as well :) Too bad I am not the kind of bold person to ask someone for her number. Hehehehe...

Thank God for NSS because I just received a letter informing me that the government will be depositing about $500 for my NSS encashment into my account next month... wow, that would go t pay for 1/3 of my laptop... an unexpected surprise :)

Stitch-a-licious Monday
I think it is becoming quite a well-known fact at work that codfishy like Stitch; I am getting more and more Stitch gifts of all shapes and sizes from my colleagues. To date, I am amassing quite a collection of Stitch toys on my office table... But really, I thank God for wonderful colleagues and the very fact that I receive gifts from them really makes me feel good because I feel remembered. I do sometimes feel guilty because I seldom buy gifts for friends.

The latest addition to my Stitch "museum" @ work is a gift from my guardian angel - a Stitch plush toy speaker. What makes this gift even more special is the fact that it is from my guardian angel and she will be leaving her job in 3 weeks' time... I will really miss her. Anyway, I really like the little cute thing. It is now sitting on top of my computer looking at me and "singing" worship songs :) I think people cannot believe that a grown-up guy like me, would have so many Stitch-es on his table hahaha...


Weekend of Connections
Last weekend was a wonderful weekend.

Somehow, I seem to have gotten out of my "shell" a little bit and was talking to my cell group members and friends... After attending the cell leadership training last Saturday, I also seem to have more hope about leading cell and not have so much ill feelings about leading cell.

I also had a wonderful time connecting with a fellow cell leader-in-training as well. Somehow in the past, I find it difficult to find topics to talk to him about and we would usually be very quiet because both of us are introverts. But last Saturday, after the cell leadership training, I sat down for dinner with him and "connected" with him. It was a good chit-chat as we shared about our struggles being introverts and leading cell. Somehow, it was more powerful talking to someone like him about my struggles in leading cell; after all, he is also facing the same challenges and we can emphatise with one another better. I really thank God for the chat and for him, because I really did leave the dinner feeling more encouraged and ministered to. I do hope he felt the same way too.

Most importantly, I felt connected with God once again. It has been a horrible few weeks and I really could not sense God in my life... I could not understand why this was so and had yearned for that connection back with God... Maybe it is my walk, maybe it is me being a willful child who keeps sinning or maybe it could just be that I was too focused on cell leadership I am no longer enjoying cell discussions, worships etc. But anyway, I am starting to feel connected with God again and am asking him to deliver me from my sins and help me resist choosing to sin again.

Draw Me Close To You


Jesus the Same


Rescue


Also heard another nice song, Beautiful Saviour, but can't seem to find the song online :)

Blessings @ Work
I also thank God for blessing me at work. For some reason, work has slowed down considerably and I am no longer living each day like a "mad house" with so many things demanding my attention. This is something I have never experienced before... To a certain extent, it feels weird... It is not that I do not have anything to do (my to-do list still stands at 30-40) but I am given the luxury of time to sit and focus on one thing at a time.

In fact, at a point in time, I could not get use to this slower pace of work and wondered if indeed my work here is done, that it is time for me to move on... especially since I received a call last week asking if I would consider moving on to do direct social work again, this time with elderly. Anyway, I thought through it and had to decline because I just wasn't sure, somehow there is no peace to move on. But one thing, I want to thank God for the slower pace which has helped me to considerably slow down after burning out at work. The slower work pace also seem to come at the right time, since I am now given more time to plan for cell group discussions.

I also thank God for the opportunity to help out at an elderly feeding programme during one of the mornings last week. I really did enjoy myself seeing the elderly having fun with the volunteers' performance and being given food. I think this is also may have caused me to really consider if it is really time to move on. But anyway, will be staying for some time more to come since I have made a commitment to my boss that I will stay :)

Learning About Cell Leadership
I also thank God for teaching me about cell leadership over the past few weeks. I wasn't coping well and kind of felt quite negative about having to lead cell with great anxiety. But, I thank God for showing me, at a recent staff devotion, that it is not just the facilitator who is important in any discussion but also each member in contributing. I noticed this colleague, who seems to also be quite introverted as well, did not even have to try very hard but there was nonetheless an in-depth discussion. This made me feel less bad about silence at cell group discussions. At a recent cell group discussion, I also noticed that my cell leader also had challenges engaging the members in discussion, so I guess that I am not the only one having trouble. This also made me feel better about myself.

OK, 3 weeks more and I will be off to my first missons trip. Keep me in prayers for good health, manageable workload, for projects to go well during my absence, for protection over my family, for guidance, discernment and wisdom in preparation for the trip, for journey mercies and for God to be with the team while we travel.