Thanksgiving for my Work Ministry

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I have been kept rather busy recently but then not too busy to continue reflecting upon how God has blessed my work ministry. Today, I took half day's leave to go for my physio class for my back and even though I was only in office for the latter half of the day, what happened in office was enough to get me all excited; today, I see and come to realise, once again, how God provides.

Thanks for the Call, Thanks for the Lunch
I came back home from physio class at about 11.40pm and soon found myself on the phone with KM. Just a little catching up since I had a little time before heading back to office and since my hands were trembling after the exercises and that made it difficult for me to SMS her. I thank God for a good time of fellowship over the phone as we talked, shared and prayed for one another; considering last week's phone conversation about this time wasn't very pleasant with a minor disagreement over some stuff. So I thank God for a good time of catching up with her. By the time we finished, I realised that I do not have enough time to grab lunch so I just quickly headed back to office. And without lunch, I gathered that I have to sustain myself till dinner time when I meet my friend for dinner. But thank God for lunch because apparently, my colleagues helped me order lontong from a fundraising project and you cannot imagine the joy I had on my face when I realised how there was food and I did not have to go hungry! I also thank God when another colleague later offered to share with me half of her muffin. Thank God Thank God!!

Thanks for the Affirmation
Then, my boss came into my office to briefly talk to me about a recent review meeting I had with a fellow colleague for the first time (which I thought went well) and although I could not quite figure out why she asked me about the meeting, I just felt positive vibes about it. She also commented about a Microsoft Access library management system I have developed sometime back and express interest in having me develop something similar for her HR resource library as well. And I thank God for the positive affirmation.

Thanks for the Blessings & Guidance
Much later, I received an email from one of the directors on the upcoming NVPC Awards and how we have been asked to self-nominate our volunteer programme for the award. I had previously been asked by a staff from NVPC to consider self-nominating our volunteer programme for the award but then I had not thought much about it because I felt that the programme is not perfect and there is still so much to do. But at the request of this director for a writeup on the volunteer programme to justify our nomination, I began to spend time drafting out the writeup. Actually, it is not so much the being asked to self-nominate the programme that excites me but rather the realisation how God had blessed my work ministry over the past 2.5 years or so.

I have always recounted how I had left my last workplace without a job and somehow the thought of working in a Christian organisation crossed my mind, only to have it dismissed, because I was a back-slided Christian then. Then, it seems that God has His plans and within a couple of week, God brought me back to church and soon after, I was asked if I would like to apply for the position of volunteer coordinator. As I drafted the writeup and summarise our volunteer programme, it is just amazing to note how a person who had no experience whatsoever in volunteer management, could have been used by God and so much have been achieved within the 2 years. I can only say that it is by God's grace that things are the way it is today; that I had been called here, that the job seems to be a perfect match to my giftings (whatever little I have) and how God has continued to show me wonderful things at work.

Thanks for the Wonderful Things You Have Done Through Us
Then, I became all excited once again when both myself and my friend and IT director looked at the electronic volunteer management system that we have been working on for the last 2 years and realise how a powerful and sophisticated system has been developed to date. Throughout the two years, the system is slowly taking shape and it is amazing how God can use the giftings of people almightily to achieve wonderful things.

Thanks for Resources & Talents
Then, I also became excited once again when a centre called me and told me how they urgently needed a volunteer to help them troubleshoot their donated PCs at their centre and it "so happens" that I have on hand, just the right person, who I have recently recruited from a volunteers' fair, a student who is also the president of his school's tech council, and I was still scratching my head where to place him to help within my organisation. In fact, this is not the first time something like that happened; there had been many instances when the right people just come at the right time.

Then, I received good news that a volunteer can help me to cover a feature story of a dedicated volunteer at one of our programmes this coming Saturday. And I was also beginning to receive a lot of requests from centres for volunteers for a variety of things which I hope means that centres are slowly opening up more to working with volunteers. Wow, happening for one day liaoz and I just thank God for blessing my day and how things just fall into place one by one and went well.

Thank you God!! Couldn't have done it without your blessings and grace.

Worship Songs

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Worship You Alone

Your faithfulness never fails
Your faithfulness everyday
You're the same

Unfailing love sets me free
Unfailing love you lead me
With Your hand

And all I know
With Your arms around me
Your face is all that I seek
Your love and grace
Pick me up and hold me
You alone are holy

For you alone are great in power
You alone are my strong tower
And I will lift my heart and soul
To worship You alone

For You alone are my desire
You have set my heart on fire
And I will lift my heart and soul
To worship You alone
Worship You alone

And I will follow after You
For You are my desire
Oh Jesus, my heart belongs to You

Unto You

I live for You
All of my days belong to You
You draw me to
Your tenderness, You make me new
Into the secret place I will run
Where my heart can be free in the
Grace that I found

Unto You
Be all glory and praise
How my heart seeks Your face
As I’m waiting on You

Only You
Are my strength and my tower
Fill my life with Your Power
As I stand here in awe of You
I stand here in awe of You

Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I’ve found in You
Lord I’ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

Eventful 3 Weeks

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Getting Rest
Finally!! I get to really sit down and come in to blog... things has been so hectic nowadays I don't even have much time left to just sit back and rest. But then yet again, sometimes, I don't really know what I am busy with. Anyway, I am still thankful that I survived through these grueling 3 weeks. In fact, things got so bad that there was a time I did not even get enough sleep the whole week, with my weeks ending, on average at 11pm, with meetings, lessons, meeting up with friends who need to talk, appointments. By the end of the week, I felt fulfilled but then I was exhausted beyond words. No wonder Stitch Giver gently reminded me how I needed to intentionally schedule rest in my schedule... maybe I really need to do it. Already, I am trying to plan an upcoming holiday with a friend, just some time away from work, ministry and Singapore to re-orientate, re-calibrate, recuperate and refresh myself. Now planning to go to Boracay in Philippines and hope it pulls through.

Sometimes I don't really understand what I am doing, getting myself so busy with stuff, my volunteer council work, ministry, work, meetings. Am I missing the important things in life? Even in ministry, I am reminded of a question that I was asked to reflect upon almost half a year ago:

"Do you think that when you see God, is He going to ask you, 'what have you done for me?' or how have you grown as a result of what you have done for me?'"

True enough, I really don't think God cares more about how much I do for Him if it is at the expense of my walk with Him. Already I am feeling very distanced from Him and despite my desire to want to walk closer with Him, things just seem, well, void. Anyway, I am already taking steps to re-calibrate myself. Already, with the fear of having too much things placed on my platter, I even missed attending the AGM for my college alumni; I fear being asked to serve on the EXCO and not knowing how to say "no". Yesterday, the sermon was on the Sabbath and the focus was more on how God commanded a "6 days work, 1 day rest cycle" for our bodies to rest. In fact, not only did he commanded rest for ourselves but also rest for our children, helpers and even animals. Maybe a timely reminder to take a break and that I am not superman. Neither do I want to wait for myself to really burn out, just like two years ago, before I do something about it.

Work-wise
Well, things are beginning to pick up again at work and I am having all kinds of ideas here and there and before I know it, I can barely breathe at work with all the ideas that just suddenly came popping in. I am thankful for all the ideas and how work seems to be taking off again. I also thank God for the recent promotion I have got. Though a promotion would mean that there is higher expectation on me to perform, it does feel good being recognised for my work.

Health-wise
As for my health, well,I am still coping well. There is a little slight improvement in my slipdisc condition and the last time I went to my physiotherapist, she said that things seem to be rather OK and I just needed to go for 3 weeks of back exercise class to strengthen my back to hold up the spine. Since I could not really participate in high impact exercise, I started on my weekly walking regime with my colleague again and continue to do some of my physio-prescribed exercises at home. Then, I am also trying to watch my diet and, for the first time, walked into a pharmacy, to buy slimming product. Don't know why but then there is this embarrassment getting slimming product and I remember the awkwardness looking through the selection and subsequently when the sales lady came to attend to me and then keeps talking loudly about how good the product is. I had wanted to quickly buy the product and disappear from the store. Anyway, I am not doing it for beauty or anything but then gathered that since I cannot do much high impact exercises and I needed to shed some weight so as to, hopefully, improve my slipdisc situation, maybe I can try to lose some weight with the help of some products.

I did manage to get my gym membership at California Fitness suspended in view of my current condition but then I was utterly very disappointed with the way they handled my suspension. Because of my condition, I needed to wait for a couple of weeks before I can see my specialist for investigations to be done. However, I had previously already given them my MC for a week from February when I went to A&E. Subsequently, upon getting the medical memo to certify that I am not fit for gym activity since February, I submitted this to California Fitness. By this time, it was more than a month after I visited the A&E. With my initial MC from A&E and subsequently my medical memo, I had thought it would not have been a problem for them to suspend my membership. However, to my horrors, they only started the suspension from March, the date I submitted the medical memo! I emailed them to appeal for them to review the suspension and appealed for it to begin in February instead since it is a fact that I was medically unfit for gym activities since February. Eventually, a lady did call me back and insisted that it is their policy that they do no back-date the suspension and tried to tell me how she is nice to offer me 3 months suspension when the normal suspension period is 2 months. I did tell her that it did not matter whether it is 2 months or 3 months because the doctor did say I may have to abstain from gym activities for 6 months, so if needed, I can always get another memo from my doctor.

I just felt it was absurd that they start the suspension without honouring a medical memo. In fact, time was needed for investigations to be done to ascertain the condition and surely they do not expect everyone to produce their medical memo right away; what if the person is hospitalised? I later requested to appeal about this and the lady conveniently told me that it is no use appealing because she is the membership person so all requests would come back to her and she has the final say. Wah, ya ya! I did tell her that I want to register my disappointment about this with the management and she say she will look into it but my guess is nothing has been done because to date, I have not heard anything from California Fitness. I am kind of giving up the idea of fighting for the back-dating of my suspension date but then I am surely wanting to write in to register my disappointment with the gym for the way they handled the whole thing. I do not think I will renew my membership when it expires unless something drastic changes my mind and count themselves as having lost a client and gained a negative ambassador.

Arrgggghhh, I am still angry just by talking about it now.

Relationship-wise
As for relationship, I thank God for many things... I thank God for guarding my relationships with colleagues and friends. I thank God for watching over a supervision session I had with my colleague and for blessing the time of sharing and discussion. I thank God for helping to watch over my relationship with 2 friends and helping to settle a potential conflict amicably, giving me the right words to use, used in the right way and at the right time.

However, today, I lost my cool again and shouted at someone. I feel horrible but then could not help feeling how this person is so selfish and sometimes I can just take it no more, I had to "dig up" all the past and "get back" at this person. Kind of ruined my day but then I am still praying for restoration and healing of relationship with this person. But then I know it takes a lot of effort because I have my ego issues as well and don't think I can back down so easily.

OK, to more happier things. I also thank God for wonderful people and friends He placed around me (although I have kind of temporarily lost touch with them for the time being). I thank God for showing me about friendship two Fridays ago, in my organisation. I had this group of Japanese student volunteers who came to Singapore to volunteer for 5 days and I linked them up with two of my centres. That Friday, I was visiting one of the centres since it was the last day and I wanted to just say "hi" and "bye" to them and thank them for their help. When I got to the centre, I caught glimpse of the volunteers interacting with the senior beneficiaries and even though they had language barrier and all of them do not speak English well and had difficulty understanding us and the beneficiaries, I was really glad to see how some of the volunteers enjoyed themselves engaging in activities with the seniors. There was even 3 students who cheerfully danced along with the elderly and could even laugh at themselves when they made the wrong dance moves. It really added a lot of cheer and joy to the whole atmosphere and the elderly also laughed along with the volunteers. Then, as I made my way out to catch a glimpse of another group who went on a walk with the elderly, I met a nurse who was partnered with one of the students and I can tell she was frantically looking through her English-Japanese phrasebook to try to find how she can ask if she is hungry. The student, sensing what she is roughly trying to asked, gestured to say she is not hungry. I heard that the poor volunteers were not used to local food and did not eat much over the few days.

Anyway, it was reaching the end and the students gave out paper cranes that were made for the elderly while we gave them their certificate. Just as I was turning to take photos of the volunteers, at the corner of my eye, I saw the same student volunteer who partnered one of the nurses, suddenly started to tear and then hugged the nurse, as we all started to realise that the visit is coming to an end. It was really an emotional scene seeing this and I almost teared too. And deep inside me, I was amazed at how friendship and bonds can be built in just 5 days and they hardly even talk! Maybe it was the nurse's actions and care and concern towards her which has touched the student volunteer. Just as the student volunteers boarded the bus as they waved goodbye, I hear the nurse say, with a soft voice to herself, "that's why we should always not grow too close for such things". Even though she said that, I can also see her sighing and also emotionally affected by it slightly.

Then, the next day morning, I had the opportunity to also observe friendship at work again when I visited my book volunteers. I was supposed to be there for a meeting but then the meeting was cancelled and I decided to stay to just help my volunteers with their work. As I sat one side and chatted with them while doing the task they assigned me, I can see how the volunteers were really enjoying each another company and I enjoy being amidst them. There is just so much camaraderie around that I was literally busking in it. Here stand a group of passionate and friendly people who are putting in effort to help a charity and no one have anything to prove to one another. It was really great being amidst them.

That night, I was invited to a filipino friend's house for dinner and again I thank God for showing me simple friendship. In fact, I felt kind of bad because a few days ago, when this friend came to invite me to her house, I may have looked a little frustrated when she started off by asking me if I was free that Saturday (deep inside me, I was swamped with work and was just wondering if she is asking me if I can help with some stuff). But I really feel honoured that she invited me along to her home for a home-cooked meal. It was really a simple gathering and both her and her husband were really very nice and hospitable. And I can see how there is so much love and joy in their life as they shared about how when they started off their relationship and her husband bought her her first Precious Moment figurine. Now the whole house is full of Precious Moments figurines, plaque, cushions, mats, plates etc... so sweet. Frankly, seeing them so loving and also another couple at the dinner, it really made me think about relationship again. Oh a side note, I couldn't believe it but then I actually joined as a Precious Moment member after buying a Precious Moment wall plaque for this friend. The sales lady was so nice and accommodating and she was trying to explain to me about the membership etc that I felt a bit obliged to join. Anyway, the figurine are indeed sweet and meaningful.

OK, about things between me and KM. Well, I really do not know where we are going. It seems like after I expressed to her that I like her during Valentine's day this year, there had been a bit of awkwardness, though I still did not get a clear indication how she feels about the possibility of a relationship together. But then, I guess I valued the friendship too much to want to jeopardise it and so I have not been pursing the matter further. But the funny thing is that I sometimes find myself feeling a little uneasy (or maybe slightly jealous?) whenever I see her talking and having a fun time chatting with other guy friends, when I saw her photo with a guy friend recently at her home as she shared her photo albums with us and I started to feel a but affected when I heard how someone has gave her lifts on a few occasions. Before I start sounding being possessive, well it is not, just that I am confused why I am feeling this way when I made a decision to want to just carry on as friends and whether I will love to regret that I did not pursue the relationship further.

Just recently, I have got news from someone that she has named me as a potential and also mentioned that someone she is considering a relationship has not acted le. Then, I learnt that the guy who gave her lifts also shared about how I had chance if I tried. I am so confused. On one hand, I do not want to lose the friendship by making a wrong move (just like how it felt horrible with the awkwardness after I told her I would like to further our friendship) and am also not sure if our character will clash. There had been times when I had found her helpfulness in cell has made me feel rather negative about myself as a leader, always forgetting things and being blur about certain things (even though I know that God has sent her to partner me in my ministry and how my cell ministry has grown with her timely help) but on the other hand I am asking why I am feeling uneasy when I see her having fun chatting with others while time with me is usually quite serious. Recently, I have also had a short conflict with her when, out of her good intentions, she bought some worship songbooks and wanted to share with cell. However, glad that things worked out by the end of the telephone conversation. And moreover, I have some issues in my life I have not fully resolved yet and do not think it is fair for my future partner if this is not solved. Anyway, I am still continuing on as usual, sighhhh.

Last week, I also went to my association's dinner. But then, it turned out to be a horrible evening. I later realised that I still have a lot of unforgiveness in me about the way I was treated 2 years ago at this workplace. It started when I met my ex-supervisor in the washroom and we had nothing to say to one another. Then later, I felt out of place standing at the function. Everyone around me seem so excited meeting old friends and technically speaking, it is a joyous occasion because President Nathan was coming and it is a good time of reunion. But then, I ended up freezing in the midst of all these people and even when I do meet old friends, we barely talked for a while before I freeze up again. What has happened to me? Given my passion for the profession in the past, this should be a joyous occasion. But I soon find myself nursing the hurt of how I was treated in this workplace 2 years ago. And I realised I no longer had the sense of professional identity anymore and it seems I am identifying myself more with the profession of volunteer managers more than this now. Deep inside me, I was disappointed with the people who I worked with in that association, I was disappointed with myself when I met some people at the dinner who I could not recognise and it always end up with awkward silence and people excusing themselves and walking away. I found it funny I no longer have the professional identity and did not even enjoy the reunion. I was disappointed with myself when later I saw my friend (from the Korean cult) and avoided eye contact, not wanting to be fake and all warm but yet later struggling with why I am avoiding him. The dinner felt like forever and by the time I made my way home, I felt extremely drained. Anyway, I find that maybe I do not enjoy such "official" dinners and I just do not feel safe amidst people who might be so fake.

Ministry-wise
I thank God for developments in my cell ministry. Just two Sundays ago, we got together for games and mahjong and everyone had fun. And for the first time, I saw how a quiet cell member was beginning to open up and also played wii with us. Yesterday, I also saw him talking to another person in church and he told me that he noticed a person sitting alone and invited her to our cell. Wow, he is also keeping a lookout for people who are alone to also visit our cell. He is really opening up :D Yesterday, we had badminton and even the trip there was memorable, having 7 people squeezed into a car as we made our way to the cc for our badminton session. I also thank God for continually bringing people to our cell and for also blessing people to this cell to make it work. So far, cell is working well because everyone is serving with the giftings. It is really not me that cell is working rather well but the people who are in it and by God's grace things are looking bright.

I thank God for guiding me with cell the previous week and one of my cell members' sister also joined in and she seem to be opening up too! Thank God! I thank God that, despite that week's topic potentially being a dry topic, discussion got going and he guiding me with the right words at the right time. I thank God for giving me a vivid image of Christ suffering on the cross, while travelling to cell, and for giving me the prompting to sing "Here I am to Worship" at cell that evening. I thank God for His perfect timing and guidance even for cell last week when I was away for cell leaders' training and someone was to cover. But then I later learnt that he had not prepared himself and there was a visitor who came and helped generate discussion.

I thank God for helping me realise how He has given me, possibly, a gifting in understanding His word, and how I was to use this gifting to bless others. Somehow, I realised that I am able to grasp ideas and have understanding of bible verses relatively quickly and realised how this could be used to help others understand His word. I thank God for also wisdom and discernment, to also know what is of God and what is not; I would feel uneasy whenever I read something which may not be of God. I can't explain.

I was at the leaders' meeting on Friday and am continuing to pray that God will continue to lead the church because I do not hope our church to miss the point and God's purpose for this church. For a long time, I have been mentored in this church and grew spiritually and the church was focused on doing God's work. However, recently, statistics are being presented at the leaders' meeting and words such as "accountable" are being used. While I understand the value of statistics in showing us where we are, I do hope the starting of usage of statistics as a tool will not become the ends itself. It is very discouraging when churches miss God's mission and purpose and start focusing on numbers over everything else. Then, there was also a bit of discussion about course fee for Christian Education courses. I do continue to pray for unity (or at least leaders agreeing to disagree) and focus of the church in doing God's work.

Others
I also thank God for:

• my fellow leader friend seeming to be happier again
• a training course on facilitation skills I have attended and learnt many things (in addition to the rest I had from work). In fact, I also had a good time role playing during the course
• blessing me with close to 90 volunteer signups at a recent volunteer fair I participated in.
• swimming "lessons" with a friend who patiently taught me and helped me built water confidence when we went swimming 3 Sundays ago.