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We are all discoverers... travelling the world, learning its truths, its people and its meanings every single day. Grab your backpacks and let's embark on this journey of mine, one that holds a lot of meaning to me... Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Friday, November 03, 2006

 

Yelling Yearning

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Back in Season
My life seems to be in seasons and now, I seem to have gone back into the season of "awkward silence"... Sometimes, I just tend to avoid social interaction because it can get so quiet when I sit down with someone... I just can't seem to be able to find a conversational topic and maybe because I am boring... most conversations just don't last long...

I do sometimes observe others interact and they seem to be able to sustain a conversation and crack witty jokes... And when I am in a group, I seem to fade away in the distance because somehow I will just be quiet; very quiet... I have tried to join in conversations but sometimes it is just so difficult.

It doesn't help that my job requires me to meet people. Just today for example, I had a lot of volunteers helping out at the event and somehow I just did not know how to relate to them. Sometimes, I want to engage them in friendly conversations but then in the end, formal words just come out of my mouth and I will be on my way... And this is not only limited to volunteers and strangers but also my colleagues who I have known for more than one year now... well, I am closer to them but somehow not as close as I want to be.

Fear of Hurts
There is this longing to want to relate to people but something seems to be holding me back. Maybe, things were going well until recently when I was hurt again by someone I had trusted (refer to "Putting Words into My Mouth"). It just makes me so afraid of being hurt once again... I know I can't go on like that but well...

God Made Me Different
I do sometimes tell myself that God made everyone different and indeed everyone is different! That's what make the world tick, isn't it? That people are all so different and some are good in certain things e.g. being sociable and funny while some are just good behind the scenes, playing a supportive role. For me, it is sometimes tempting to feel that I am the latter and just use the excuse "well, God made me this way" and I have my own purpose to fulfill. Indeed, over the past few months, I have come to realise that I seem to:
  • have a flair for writing;
  • be good with establishing systems and structures;
  • and yet, ironically, I can be rather creative;
  • have the interest of translating complex ideas into simpler terms, and
  • be rather good with problem solving
I was recently asked to be the first article contributor for a volunteer management magazine, sharing tips on volunteer management. While it was encouraging and a real honour to be invited to write an article, I just didn't see that I write well and am just afraid I am just too new to the field to be writing the article.

Picture modified from "Jeans" by calzone

Everywhere I go to work, it seems that I am involved with some form of establishing systems and structures. As part of this systems and structures thing, I also find myself rather good in problem solving and finetuning systems.

I also realised I have a passion for understanding complex ideas (given the right frame of mind) and repacking these complex ideas into simpler, more comprehensible terms. No, I don't have super IQ but just find breaking down these concepts into simpler terms seems to be something I like and find challenging. Just recently, I played Cluedo with my friends. The first time I played with my friends, I gave up because I could not understand how the game is played but the second time round, I thought through the deduction process and even designed a analysis sheet for the game... maybe it is "bo liao" but then I just find a sense of achievement to be able to not only understand complex concepts and translate these into simpler terms/formulas that others can understand easily. Now I understand why I have the interest in training...

Although I can establish systems and structures... it is also ironic that I also like to be creative whenever I have the opportunity. I also like to analyse visuals and advertisements and love to play with photography (though I am not trained).

Yelling Yearning
OK, back to the issue at hand. I am sometimes just so tempted to just say "God made me this way" and just give up relating to people; leaving it to those who are more sociable. This was what happened at a recent event for my association... it was a dinner event and I found it so difficult to start conversations with the strangers even though I am supposed to be the membership chair and am supposed to talk to people and get them to join the association. I just in the end, left it to the other more sociable committee members to do the job. But yet deep inside me, there is a deep yearning shouting out to want to connect and relate to people.

 

Access Denied!

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Today, I am really really super pissed... been some time since I blogged but then this issue made me so pissed that I need an outlet to express myself...

Was on my way to an event in East Coast today and I was really looking forward to a wonderful day at the beach with senior beneficiaries. But a call early in the morning had to ruin the rest of the day... I received a call from my webs
ite chairperson asking me whether I did anything to the association's website because now the main page is gone.

screenshot by eyebiz

Well, the fact of it is, I did... and I know how serious the matter was. I was rushing a notice on the website about the distribution of some sponsored tickets and must have accidentally overwritten the wrong file because it was late when I was doing it... I admit my mistake but then who doesn't make mistakes?
What really peeved me off was the tone he "confronted" me with.

Come on... we had just finished with an important event and I was the one who designed and put up the whole event subsite without much help from him... he didn't even check in and ask if everything was OK and now that the main page is accidentally overwritten, he made a big hoo haa about it. He even mentioned he has changed the server's password so I have no more access to it. Actually he is the chairperson and he has the right to do so but please ask in a nice way.
Frankly, I understand how frustrating it is to have worked on something and then to have someone ruin it but then seriously, the page wasn't extremely difficult to develop to begin with; it was just a simple page and I would be more than willing to redevelop the old page back.

Anyway, I can't be bothered with the website anymore and will just focus on my own portfolio and my own committee... I might just resign from the website committee and make sure I do not treat my committee members this way.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

 

All About Appreciation

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Being Appreciated
Today is International Volunteer Manager Appreciation Day (IVMAD). It is a day for Volunteer Programme Managers (VPMs) just like myself but then, to my department, it is yet another excuse for celebration and to makan. So, we had a curry fish head feast over lunch and my boss gave me half day off and also a trendy-looking shirt. Really appreciate their small gesture. (Picture "fish head curry" by varf)

Appreciating God
Yesterday's department devotion was on joy of heaven; the joy of having one more accepting the salvation of Christ.

As Christians, we sometimes experience the grace of God that we become so eager to share the gospel, to the extent we may even start playing the "number game"... "it is not a number game" I recall my pastor once telling us and yesterday's devotion session served as a good reminder. Luke 15:7 says "There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance". (Picture "counting" by pante)

For me, God has set the burden in me to reach out to people who have distanced from Him. The calling is so real but sometimes I am at a loss as to how to go about it. I am not exactly an extroverted person and fear rejection. But when God provides the calling, He provides the means too. For me, I felt that God has used my own testimony of how I have distanced from Him and was brought back, as well as my blog for His purpose. And so, I appreciate God for that, for giving me the means to fulfill my calling.

Appreciating the Good Ol' Times
I took the opportunity to visit my ex-colleague at my old workplace, since the IVMAD dinner will be held in the vicinity later in the evening. She really don't seem to be coping well; she is really looking out for jobs elsewhere because things have gotten unbearable.

When I arrived at the centre, I was shocked to find the whole centre looking so gloomy and dark; partly because there are only 2 staff left in the whole centre and order has been given to switch off all lights in the day when no one is using, even the corridor lights. Saving cost is good but then it is really overdoing it when the whole place looks so dark and gloomy... what will visitors think when they walk into a gloomy centre... Anyway, enough griping since I am no longer there.

Anyway, while I was there, my ex-colleague and me took a trip down memory lane. We visited the site of our old office (a small room in the centre which has since been torn down) and just reminisced the good old times... we tried to identify where our tables used to be and kept joking about how we used to bang into one another whenever we walked about in that old office. We even joked about the first conflict we had, which strengthened the working relationship between me and her when we agreed to let each other know whenever we are upset with the other person. With a deep sigh, my ex-colleague remarked that "life was simpler then and we were so much happier" and how she hope I can come back to work... if only things are just that easy :(

Appreciation Dinner
Things were a little disappointing because we had spent weeks planning for this appreciation dinner for VPMs but the response hasn't been good. But still, I really want to give thanks for en enjoyable evening and thank God for the games (which I and my fellow committee member planned) working out just fine. It was an enjoyable evening with food, game and my personal favourite, the sing-along session by a volunteer guitarist... we chit chat and sang songs like "Love Me Tender", "月亮代表我的心", "朋友" and "Try a Little Kindness".

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

 

Saying Goodye

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Burning old memories 4 by gerbrak

Haven't really fully recover from the shock last week when my boss told me that one of fellow workers is leaving. Anyway, finally got to see him when he came into office to get some final paperwork done yesterday. As he made his way out of the HR department, he passed by my office and we talked a little. There seems to be a little bit of awkwardness and I really didn't know what to say to him. But I am really glad that he came by, because I had a chance to say a proper goodbye to him. As we talked, we recall the time we worked closely with each other on a large scale project. I can still remember how we met with each other for hours just to plan that project. It was stressful but boy was I glad to had him working alongside with me and it was especially satisfying when the project turned out well in the end. As we recalled this, I just felt this sadness welling inside me. I walked to the bus stop and bade him farewell, deep inside me, wishing him all the best in all his future endeavours.

Just yesterday, I bid farewell to a fellow worker. Today I bid farewell to my fellow office-mate who has shared my office with me for more than a year now. With her new contract, she will be moving back to her department upstairs. But frankly (and I find it kind of weird), for some reason, I do not feel as upset given what has happened these few weeks.

Anyway, I am now all alone in my office. Just me, myself and just myself...

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