Yelling Yearning

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Back in Season
My life seems to be in seasons and now, I seem to have gone back into the season of "awkward silence"... Sometimes, I just tend to avoid social interaction because it can get so quiet when I sit down with someone... I just can't seem to be able to find a conversational topic and maybe because I am boring... most conversations just don't last long...

I do sometimes observe others interact and they seem to be able to sustain a conversation and crack witty jokes... And when I am in a group, I seem to fade away in the distance because somehow I will just be quiet; very quiet... I have tried to join in conversations but sometimes it is just so difficult.

It doesn't help that my job requires me to meet people. Just today for example, I had a lot of volunteers helping out at the event and somehow I just did not know how to relate to them. Sometimes, I want to engage them in friendly conversations but then in the end, formal words just come out of my mouth and I will be on my way... And this is not only limited to volunteers and strangers but also my colleagues who I have known for more than one year now... well, I am closer to them but somehow not as close as I want to be.

Fear of Hurts
There is this longing to want to relate to people but something seems to be holding me back. Maybe, things were going well until recently when I was hurt again by someone I had trusted (refer to "Putting Words into My Mouth"). It just makes me so afraid of being hurt once again... I know I can't go on like that but well...

God Made Me Different
I do sometimes tell myself that God made everyone different and indeed everyone is different! That's what make the world tick, isn't it? That people are all so different and some are good in certain things e.g. being sociable and funny while some are just good behind the scenes, playing a supportive role. For me, it is sometimes tempting to feel that I am the latter and just use the excuse "well, God made me this way" and I have my own purpose to fulfill. Indeed, over the past few months, I have come to realise that I seem to:

• have a flair for writing;
  
• be good with establishing systems and structures;
  
• and yet, ironically, I can be rather creative;
• have the interest of translating complex ideas into simpler terms, and
  
• be rather good with problem solving
  

I was recently asked to be the first article contributor for a volunteer management magazine, sharing tips on volunteer management. While it was encouraging and a real honour to be invited to write an article, I just didn't see that I write well and am just afraid I am just too new to the field to be writing the article.

Picture modified from "Jeans" by calzone

Everywhere I go to work, it seems that I am involved with some form of establishing systems and structures. As part of this systems and structures thing, I also find myself rather good in problem solving and finetuning systems.

I also realised I have a passion for understanding complex ideas (given the right frame of mind) and repacking these complex ideas into simpler, more comprehensible terms. No, I don't have super IQ but just find breaking down these concepts into simpler terms seems to be something I like and find challenging. Just recently, I played Cluedo with my friends. The first time I played with my friends, I gave up because I could not understand how the game is played but the second time round, I thought through the deduction process and even designed a analysis sheet for the game... maybe it is "bo liao" but then I just find a sense of achievement to be able to not only understand complex concepts and translate these into simpler terms/formulas that others can understand easily. Now I understand why I have the interest in training...

Although I can establish systems and structures... it is also ironic that I also like to be creative whenever I have the opportunity. I also like to analyse visuals and advertisements and love to play with photography (though I am not trained).

Yelling Yearning
OK, back to the issue at hand. I am sometimes just so tempted to just say "God made me this way" and just give up relating to people; leaving it to those who are more sociable. This was what happened at a recent event for my association... it was a dinner event and I found it so difficult to start conversations with the strangers even though I am supposed to be the membership chair and am supposed to talk to people and get them to join the association. I just in the end, left it to the other more sociable committee members to do the job. But yet deep inside me, there is a deep yearning shouting out to want to connect and relate to people.