Putting Words into My Mouth

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I Don't Eat Words, So Don't Put Words into My Mouth
I really don't like the feeling of being used conveniently as an excuse and having words put into my mouth... I just feel so... so... maligned!

I am just not happy, just not happy. To make things worse, it has to be a superior who comes to tell me that someone cited me as a reason for working slowly. I mean, it may be a misunderstanding but then, well, I am just just not happy!! Hmmppfff! (Picture "Alpha Soup" by nsoup)

还我清白!!!

Mourning the Loss
Yesterday, I blogged about the passing on of a supervisor I got to know during my attachment. I just returned from the wake. It was a solemn event and I can tell she is missed by many because many of the visitors had such tear-filled eyes.

Just earlier today, I was talking to a fellow friend about her and I learnt that underneath the stern and strict looking face, she is actually a "soft" lady. I was told that she was earlier diagnosed with cancer and was given a prognosis of maximum 6 months. She requested her staff to keep mum about her condition. So eventually when we learnt of her passing on, you can imagine the shock (and even anger for some) that most of us had. Somehow, the grief did not seem to get to me during the funeral but as I travelled out of her estate, I felt strong emotions welling up inside me I could just have wept a little.

No Empathy, No Patience
I had asked God for patience in working with a fellow sister-in-christ but sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am wrong but then somehow I feel that she is not trying hard enough to get herself out of her situation; she just keeps reverting to old ways of coping and mentioned that she "needs more time". Maybe I am not sensitive enough but then I just can't stand it when I feel that she is not self-aware and when tell her about it genuinely, she gets all defensive and responds with some insensitive remarks, which is hurtful...

I know she needs time to grow (she keeps telling me I am impatient with her and expect her to grow overnight) but in fact I suspect she is using this as an excuse to further sabotage herself. I kept trying to redirect her attention back to herself but she keeps asking question about the person who she is attached to. I won't share much detail here but then I feel that I had to make a stand about her expectation of me offering her information about the person she is attached to. To date, I have been spending quite a bit on sms and so I told her that we would like to see her grow and I am going to help address her queries only if the answer is going to be significant for her growth, if not, I am going to stay silent about it. I do not want to also play a part in helping her to sabotage herself.

I am sorry but I have bad experience with people with mental disorders who cause their own misery, fail to see it and blame others for it. I have my own baggage and I am just not able to empathise if I find people proactively cause their problems but refuse to do anything for themself. That's why, despite having struggles of my own, I am trying to avoid going into self-pity or even taking a blaming stance towards others.

At the end of the day, if you know you have an issue, refuse to do anything about it and blame others for it or worse, bring misery upon others, then I am sorry, I can't deal with that. That, to me, is a very selfish act... I still find it much enjoyble working with people who are self-aware of their issues and are trying hard to do something for themselves.