At the Breaking Point

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"The break's so near but yet so far" - Maybe that's how I can describe how I feel now...

Been a real hectic week and despite finishing work at 6 plus everyday, the sheer mental stress of handling the volunteer management for disaster relief is really great and even after having 7-8 hours of sleep, I still crawl out of bed feeling all lethargic and all. But at least, I have come to realise how it is really not easy working in a crisis relief situation; tempers flare up and the feeling that you need to act with urgency because lives are at stake. So, I do thank God that I am only handling volunteers and even though, only volunteers for a fundraising event in aid of the victims of the Myanmar Cyclone Disaster. I really do not think I can be able to handle volunteers for crisis relief projects... at least not now.

On Thursday, I had a call from a member of public which almost made me implode... As I was talking to him on the phone, my blood was boiling and I was on the verge of exploding when a colleague friend walked in and was trying to help me cool down. The person on the other line seemed very "ya-ya" and said that it is a waste that we do not send him over to Myanmar to help with loading and unloading relief items from the plane because he has skills in this area. He kept going on and on. I explained to him that we are not sending any relief team up there now because of the difficulty of getting there but then he gave me the "I am right listen to me" kind of attitude, keeps insisting that we should send up relief items and team up there. He even challenged me how I got my manager position and mentioned sarcastic remarks about how my organisation can be better well-known if we just send reporters to take pictures of us doing work and just publicizing these photos. Anyway, I do not know how to describe his tone but then it was pure hostile and sarcastic. I almost exploded. Then, later the next day, I had a volunteer call me to complain that our staff were late. This volunteer was scheduled to help out with the first shift and he was there but could not find our booth. Apparently, he got quite upset when our staff failed to turn up 10 minutes later and called to complain and also tell me that he is "not interested" in helping anymore and would be leaving. Frankly, I am not the least happy that this has happened? What happened to the staff? Why are they late? Why couldn't they call the volunteer to just inform him that they are late? I was fuming with this incident and was thinking "is this what I get sometimes for helping you all find volunteers, only to end up having to clear up your mess when you mess up?" I was really disappointed and angry. Who wouldn't be after having scolded by someone for something not of your doing?

But anyway, there are lighter moments too amidst all these stress. Just like how when doing the fundraising on Thursday, I come to realise how Singaporeans can be so giving too... I can see most people donating $10 and some even donate $50. And I also had a burmese mother who came to volunteer for a whole 8 hours... standing there with her twin daughters, encouraging the public to donate. I have had the chance to speak to a cheerful senior gentleman who has, without fail, come on board to help us with our fundraisers year after year with his wife. It was really wonderful talking to him and sensing that kind of passion that he exudes. Just yesterday, while we were consolidating the funds raised, someone also found a $10,000 note and wow, boy is that the first time many of us see a $10,000 note so it is not surprising some were wondering what currency it is and whether it is real :D Well, I wasn't there so I didn't get to see it :(

I am also thankful for a group of friends who I managed to find time to hang out with this week, even though it is just for a while. It is always great being able to meet up with friends and sitting down to chit-chat after a long day's work. I am also thankful for two little small dumplings I have received from friends and frankly, I feel loved by the little gesture. Thanks!

I also thank God for blessing cell yesterday. Frankly, I haven't the time to prepare for cell at all, except for the brief half an hour I had yesterday just before heading to cell. So, on one hand, I thanked God for helping me pull through the week, on the other hand, I was really worried about cell, especially when it was on a topic which I struggle with too: honouring your parents (and people of authority). Yes, there were awkward silence here and there but then in fact, even though I did not prepare questions, I thank God how some actually took the effort and even courage to share some of their struggles in this area and encourage one another... in the words of a members during supper time, it was "deeper sharing" today. And deep within me, I was thanking God for helping with the session because I was really exhausted by this time, I did not have any more energy for anything. Boy, am I looking forward to the trip this Sunday to Langkawi; to run away from everything. Even though I know it is just a short break away and I will still have to come back to reality and all my responsibilities in about 10 day's time, my body was still welcoming the break... as if screaming for rest. So, as I checked off the last item on my to-do list and typed an email to my colleague on what work needed to be covered during the time I will be absent from work, it was a little relieving.

Then today, I was on the phone with my former leader and she was trying to hint to me about my relationship with KM, asking how it is and how the other party is waiting and being the guy, I needed to follow-up. Frankly, this came as a surprise to me because I had previously decided "officially" to close case with her but then now I am hearing that the other party is waiting... confused... I need some time away to think, especially about how I am going to address the issue how she sometimes, unintentionally, makes me feel bad about myself as a leader when she tries to be helpful. Not her fault but then more of my own issue.

Found an old hymn I used to sing and sang it in cell... touching song:

Father I Thank You


Father, I thank You for all that You've done.
You gave Your Son freely for me.
And I praise You for calling me, drawing me near.
Out of blindness You caused me to see.

Spirit of life, You're God's holy fire.
You've kindled my heart with Your blaze.
And I know You're refining me, changing my life.
And by faith You're revealing Your ways.

Jesus, I need You as Lord of my life.
I give all I have unto You.
Lord, I want to come under Your heavenly hand,
And to praise You in all that I do.

Thank You Lord

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Woah! Can't believe that I managed to survive the last few days... ended up being so zombified by the end of yesterday and today. But thank God that not only was able to survive but also managed to accomplish quite a number of stuff at work; been real hectic trying to manage recruitment and coordinating placements of volunteers into the different time slots for the upcoming fundraising event.

At first, was really worried because I was only able to get volunteers after office-hours, leaving the office-hour volunteer shifts empty but thank God people started to come one by one to volunteer. And it is really heartwarming to see people stepping forward to help, both Myanmar nationals and locals... some even taking leave to help with the project. And some dedicated volunteers immediately contacted us once they received our email about the fundraising project. I even had a great time talking to this cheerful senior guy who, together with his wife, continue to help us with our fundraising year after year, without fail, since 1986... talk about long service!!

Some other volunteers also pledged their companies' support and initiated their own fundraising project to raise funds. And today, I also heard from another group of volunteers who did a fundraising project for us last Christmas and they shared that they too want to help; initiating their own fundraising event on their campus.

Thank God too that things also eventually worked out after an issue with the firewall which prevented volunteers from reaching me through email (and some of them also got quite annoyed by the fact that they are not able to get their application forms to me). I thank God for my fellow colleague and brother-in-christ who promptly helped me with the issue and, together with another colleague over in another continent, worked to troubleshoot the issue. Things are OK now and emails are coming through again.

I also thank God for a conversation that went well, with a volunteer who got so annoyed when his email application bounced. He got quite annoyed when he tried to email his application to help out at the upcoming fundraising but his application got bounced due to the firewall issue. He used strong words in his email. Today, I felt I needed to call him but I struggled because I might be scolded by him (since he sounded so annoyed) and since I was going to tell him that the shift he is applying for is not available. But, to my surprise, he did not but instead affirmed me of my work, encouraging me that I am doing a "good job". Phew!

But then, things did not go so well with the mediacorp artiste who recently approached me about featuring a dedicate volunteer mother... He had been very nice to try to find for me student volunteers who can help me with my video project but then, because of my Myanmar fundraising project, me and my colleagues have been kept from following-up with finding a suitable volunteer for his project... Today, I tried to ask one of my colleagues from a children care service and they are keen to feature one of their volunteers but then would like to speak to the executive producer first but the earliest they can meet is after they come back from their upcoming mission trip two weeks later. I thought of calling the executive producer to update him a little but in the end, he got quite upset saying how we are making things so complicated and having to go through so many levels just to speak to the volunteer and subsequently mentioned how he is so disappointed with us and even say that of this is the case, he would like to just call off the thing and do not need us to find anyone for him. Strong words and I was speechless. But then I can sense his frustration given that he has been trying to find someone like that and only have till end of this week to confirm the person. Finally sense the "fierce" side of him that I usually see on the TV screen. But at the end, I still did tell him I will try my best to see if I have other nominations and he did apologise for using such strong-words...

I thank God for my ISFJ gathering yesterday with two colleague friends... it was a tiring day yesterday and by the end of the day, both me and Stitch-Giver were so "zonked out" that we just wanted to go somewhere nearby to chill out. A simple but great chillout with friends.

I also thank God for devotion today and for the sharing today... And guess what... the verse shared was from Ephesians 4, and again reminding me:

26. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27. and do not give the devil a foothold. 28. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Yes God, I am dealing with quite a bit of anger and with the recent sermon on that, last week's cell discussion on that and now tuesday devotion, I really feel I needed to do something about my anger I have of people who have hurt me and who have made my life less bearable... I needed to forgive... maybe the upcoming holiday is good... giving me some time away to recharge and to spend some time alone with God... so looking forward to it... am quite tired as well. But thank God for the reminder and also how another colleague's sharing from his journal. I did not know why he was sharing about how when a bible teacher is bring corrected, take heed if it is correct, just at a time I was so upset about the "meet me at the well" incident last week. I also thank God how a fellow colleague seems to be growing so well after she accepted Christ and we sang one of her favorite songs, Power of Your Love:

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I’ve found in You
Lord I’ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

~ chorus ~
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

I also thank God for a meeting that went well today with a new visitor to my cell. I have recently received an email from the church office of someone who has signed up to want to be linked to a cell and they would like to link both he and his wife-to-be to my cell. Frankly, I get all nervous whenever I know that I am going to get a new member, mainly because I do not know their expectations of cell and whether I can be a good mentor... But anyway, I wanted to meet them before they come to cell so I can get to know them and their expecations better, while they get acquainted with me and find out more about my cell.

As I made my way to meet him and his wife-to-be, I prayed a little prayer "Dear Lord, please guide the session later because I know I can very rather introverted and quiet. I do not want the session to turn out to be awkward and if you had willed that this couple to join my cell, please bless the session later and we can be comfortable with one another." And I thank God for blessing the session because not only was I rather extroverted, we talked and they began sharing candidly about their family background etc. After understanding their expectations, I am not sure if my cell would be the right one for them but then I did tell them to try my cell out. They seem like a nice couple, genuine and simple... but then they seem to rather Chinese-educated and I am concerned that they may not fit into our English-speaking cell. Also, I am rather concerned whether I can be a good mentor to them, helping them to grow spiritually (since the guy is a new believer) and lastly my cell is not a couple cell so I am not sure if we can minister to them in this area. Anyway, we talked and I come to learn how this guy was a school-dropout but worked hard so he can study again, to earn a diploma in the end and land himself in where he is today. And I can see his love for his younger brother because he also long for his brother to one day be like him and be able to make it in life. It is people like him, who have gone through a lot in life and who is so determined to work so hard to pick himself up, that really inspires me and yet put me to shame... but really, I am happy to have met him and learnt how he is doing well and have come to know the Lord. I'm so happy for him! :D