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We are all discoverers... travelling the world, learning its truths, its people and its meanings every single day. Grab your backpacks and let's embark on this journey of mine, one that holds a lot of meaning to me... Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

 

It All Started with Gym

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BIG Investment
Yesterday, I made a BIG investment and when I mean BIG, it is rather a huge sum of money. With my leg pain going on for months now and doctor keep telling me it might be my weight problem, coupled with breathlessness, heart pains and also my tremendous weight increase over the past couple of months, I do agree that I needed to do something about my health before anything drastic happens. And so, when my colleague asked me along to their gym, I agreed because I do agree that I need to start on a health regime to get fit. But then, there is one BIG problem: the sum of money I need to part with, some $1700 for membership with California Fitness for 3 years. Though it works out to be about $48 per month, it is still a big sum to part with at one go.

Tussling with the Decision
Throughout the day, I tussled with the decision to sign up or not. On one hand, I need the workout and going to a gym with colleagues and friends might just do the trick since I have company and motivation. Also, I did not want to pull out when my friend has already helped to make the necessary arrangements to sign up with the rep in charge of her membership. And spending $1700 might just "force" me to use the gym because I had paid so much so I better use it. But then, it is still a large sum of money from the less than $10,000 savings I have saved. I remember saying late last year that I will try not to spend so much money in view of my dad's medical condition and our family financial circumstances.

Me and My Big Mouth
Then, to make matters worst, I had to have a big mouth and told KM that I was going to sign up for gym and will be spending $1700. She did try to discourage me from signing up because she feels it is a large sum of money and I could still exercise without the need to pay so much e.g. going to the sports hall gym or going to jog in the park so I can enjoy and marvel at God's creations while I jog. She even suggested that I go jogging with my dad and take the time to bond with him since he is constantly staying at home alone. She later sent me a mail to encourage me on and offered her condo gym and also sent me an SMS suggesting that I can also have healthy lifestyle with a few other cell members. All these definitely did not make the decision easy. Eventually, I still went ahead to sign up as a member nonetheless despite feeling the pinch and also not feeling very good that I am not heeding KM's advice.

Upset or not Upset?

I started my gym session that very night and even though I did very selective workouts, I must say that the workout had been good and for the first time in many months, I could sleep right through the night. In fact, I overslept till 8am the next morning, only to realise I only had 30 mins to prep and go to work. I did in the end share with her that I signed up for gym and I do not know why but then I said "sorry" to her, not wanting to upset her. I received a SMS reply the next day saying something to the effect "no need to say sorry and you have not done anything wrong and neither am I in the position to discourage". Though, it the SMS seemed OK, the phrase about not being in the position to discourage stared at me real hard and I was wondering if she is upset. I SMSed her a good morning message and for the whole day I did not receive any reply from her, which got me worried because it is unlike her. I remember checking my handphone every few minutes to see if there is a response but then to my dismay, none came. Then, I was to go to church for prayer meeting today and she did ask me yesterday (before the gym decision) whether I will want to join her and my sister for dinner before the prayer meeting.

And so, I got onto a cab and made my way to Pasir Ris to meet her. But then, what followed was a traumatic taxi ride which got me rather worried I would not survive the ride. My driver is a person who gets very agitated very easily. It did not help that we kept driving into traffic jams and throughout the journey, he kept honking at other drivers. Then, when the time came for the 4D numbers to be reported, he yanked up his radio volume till it was blasting at my ear and just as they started to report the winning numbers, the radio just fizzled out and that got him even madder. When finally we came to Downtown East, I requested to alight at the alighting point (which meant that the taxi needs to go through the car park gantry) and there he was again, being verbally very abusive, complaining that he has to slot the cashcard to get in rather than the gantry automatically detecting his card. Having survived the traumatic taxi ride, I came to the foodcourt and saw KM sitting alone there. I braced myself because I did not know how she is feeling and whether she is still upset or anything. I sat down and we did talk a little although I must admit I felt awkward most of the time. But then later, when she went to get her fish porridge and suggested to share the porridge (using separate bowls), that got me a little relieved since she does not seem to be upset with me. But later throughout the night, she seemed to always be talking to my sister and somehow I felt that her line of sight kept avoiding me. Maybe I am ultra sensitive but then I usually becomes very uncomfortable and affected whenever I sense that a relationship with a loved one is not right. In fact, I sensed that I started to be very quiet and also was in quite a bad mood.

Maybe She is Not Meant for Me
I do not know what it means but then the fact I felt so horrible goes to confirm one thing; that I might really have feeling for her. But then throughout the day, I struggled with my thoughts on the whole matter and a part of me feel sad that things turned out this way because I cherished her, no matter as a friend, a partner or as a sister-in-christ, but the other part of me kept telling me that she is not worth it if she is indeed feeling so upset over such a matter and how I should avoid going into relationships because it is matters of the heart like that that can vex me.

Anyway, on the way home in the cab with her and my sister, I was quiet most of the time and she kept talking to my sis; I did not know what to say. I remember telling myself that if she were to message me tonight, I will want to clear things with her because all these feelings are killing me. Well, she did message and apologized for neglecting me and asked for what she can pray for me. I took the chance to clear the air with her and she replied to say she is not upset. That got me a little happier knowing that she is OK. But not sure if things are going to be awkward still with her. I do not think I will ever express my feelings for her because I just do not want to jeopardize anything.

No More Upsetting Stuff Please
There were also other things which had made me somewhat upset this week. One of it is the cancellation of staff devotion again because everyone cited that "they are busy" and it is just disheartening seeing staff devotion cancelled again. Makes me wonder what priority is given to time with God and encouraging one another. I did send an email sharing my testimony about my cell ministry saga using the "Our Daily Bread" reading for the day from Psalm 127:1a "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain" and I did boldly share how I hope to see us coming together again to make time for staff devotion. And another minor thing which made me upset is how I witnessed how someone just conveniently walked past a donation bin, while I was talking to a volunteer, and took something away. For the first time, I plucked up courage and went up to the uncle and asked if I can help in anything. It is as if he knew what I was coming for and later threw the item back into the bin and disappeared. I am just disturbed how anyone can do something like that. I understand that some people are needy but there are proper channels to get help and not steal. I recognised that I have not been all a good boy so far and hope that the upsetting things will just end here.

Monday, January 21, 2008

 

Cell Vision and Values

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Today has been a rather quiet Monday and for once I can afford to sit back a little on my new work chair and take my time with my work; no need to rush.

But I thank God for a few things:
  • For using me to encourage a colleague friend as she walked by and I just felt that I needed to talk to her. Usually, we would just greet each other as we walked by but then today, we just talked a little and she was sharing her struggle at her work ministry. But I could sense her passion to serve God and thank God for using me and for guiding the short talk which ended with a prayer. Words just came and I also had the chance to share my recent struggles with cell ministry (which seems to be taking off now). I always believe God brings people together for a purpose.
  • For giving me the courage to call a visitor who was linked up to our cell last year but who I have not had the courage to call because I always struggle with calling people. However, in the end, I could not get her and so I left her an email. Instead, I called my prayer partner.
  • For a wonderful time of sharing and fellowship with my prayer partner; for the first time I took courage to call people over the phone and everything went well and how we shared our struggles and also thanksgiving and prayed for one another.
  • For being able to complete penning down an email to my core members to share with them what God has set in my heart for our cell vision and values...

    Luke 14:12-14 (NIV)
    12. Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.
    13. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,
    14. and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

    Hi there KM, J, J and J,

    I had wanted to get this email to you but have not been able to sit down to pen it in full till now. I just wanted to thank you all for believing in me and in the cell and what God is about to do in this cell. Thanks for staying with the cell. I do feel that God indeed has His purpose for our cell and also in bringing you into this cell and I hope to be able to share with you what I seem to hear from God regarding the purpose of this cell.

    God Never Forsakes
    For months last year, I have been despairing about the state of cell and for several times, I kept wanting to step down but God had again and again given me reassurance. I did not see why He had wanted me to stay on and had several times wanted to just give up. But God refused to give up on me and continue to assure me through the pulpit, songs, circumstances and continue to also send people to encourage me on.

    Then, the turning point came when I heard from God asking me on Sunday during service, “why do I not trust Him?” I stayed on and towards the end of last year, I have suddenly came to realization that God may have something for this cell. Firstly, during the last prayer meeting of the year, I seem to sense that He was telling me that my ministry will not be easy but I did not hear specifically what it was. Then, bit by bit, it came together as I saw how God could have using circumstances to prepare me for a ministry working with people who have been brokened, backslided and misled. Later, it became very clear how things were going awry end of last year; my health, work stress, ministry stress and also hearing that my dad could possibly have cancer; how everything could have pointed to spiritual attacks. The spiritual attacks continue till the beginning of this year and the devil continue to put doubts in me about the calling. My only conclusion is that this IS the call of God and the devil is trying to put a stop to it. But thank God that He has been faithful and has not forsaken me, even though sometimes the going gets tough and I wonder where God is.

    Throughout this time, God continued to work with me and I slowly began to realize more and more of what He was doing. I realized how He was beginning to give me burden for people’s spiritual growth and this was the toughest given my introverted character which makes me struggle in “confronting” people about their spiritual growth. He remained faithful and continue to send people to encourage me on and also send people to cell and people for me to minister to. Then it became clear that God was doing something different in this cell, as if to change things to make it a cell which could eventually reach out to the brokened, backslided and misled. Another turning point came when I was “confronted” about my giving up by a brother-in-christ, which soon made me realise that God was using circumstances to prepare me for a ministry of rejection.

    Cell’s Purpose?
    Then, I asked Him where cell was heading for because I was praying that He will lead the cell to fulfill His purpose. I was hesitant in projecting my calling to cell and sought to confirm the calling. For weeks, I prayed about it and asked for affirmation. And weeks, God has been sending to me passages after passages during my quiet time including Jeremiah 51 on preparing for battle; one which God will give victory, Jeremiah 1 on not being afraid and saying what God commands because He will be with us, Nehemiah on the work of rebuilding. Then, subsequently, more confirmation came during my quiet time and also during the recent Heidi Baker conference about reaching out to the spiritually needy. I then wondered if indeed this was also God’s purpose for cell as well and the answer I got is “why can’t this be a calling for cell at the same time?”

    Anyway, looking back, it has been clear that God has His purpose for this cell and looking at how people are brought to this cell despite no conscious effort to do outreach and despite it happening during a time in which the cell was threatening to come apart, it became clear that God has His plans for the cell. He gave me the image of a “petrol kiosk” and I seem to sense that the purpose of this cell is to reach out the spiritually needy and to fill them up, sometimes even making a spiritual impact in their lives that they will make a U-turn; they may not necessarily stay in the cell or even in Riverlife but I believe that the cell will play an important role in helping to make that spiritual impact.

    Our Cell Values
    In helping the cell to fulfill our God-given purpose, I sense that together we need to always be mindful:
    1. Believing in Romans 8:28 (Believe) – Believing that in all things God work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose; that God uses us in all circumstances to minister to others and that God is in control and in time, God’s will will be done. But in the meantime, we can play a part in God’s purposes.
    2. Focus on God (Focus) – that we need to constantly remember the purpose God given to us, both personally and as a cell, and that the focus should always be on God and bringing people back to God. It should never be about our own glory, number of salvations etc
    3. Grow (Grow) – In line with church’s vision for this year, we will need to grow strong spiritually together as well to be prepared for the upcoming battle
    4. Putting on the Spiritual Armour (Wear) - We are in the business of spiritual warfare of going against the devil in winning souls and therefore, we need to be equipped for the spiritual warfare. Hence, we need to continue to pray continually for everyone in the cell for spiritual covering. We also need to be equipped for the battle by continuing to grow spiritually in the meantime, being equipped with the Word of God, praying continually, being righteous, having faith in God and holding on to our salvation and the truth of God and being always ready to act for God, much to what has been taught in Ephesians 6:10-18.
    5. Loving Our Neighbours (Love) – I sense that our work with the spiritually needy would require humility on our part as well as much patience.
    6. Giving Thanks (1 Thessalonians 5:18) (Give Thanks) – We need to be aware of God in our lives and the wonderful work He has done in our lives and it will help to always give thanks in all circumstances that we will grow in our faith of the power of God

    Growing the Core
    In the meantime, we are going to start with a few things to just help each other to grow:
    1. Prayer Partner – I am putting a few of us together to render support to one another in prayer and also help each another grow spiritually
    2. Worship – We are going to try something new this year and we will all prepare songs as the Spirit leads during that week. Just prepare 6 copies of the lyrics of the song(s) that you feel led to sing for cell and let me know by Thursday morning.
    3. Co-facilitating Word – I welcome you to also take up the challenge of helping me to co-facilitate word and see the glory of God come alive through His word.

    Please do share with me your comments :)

    Sorry for the long email. Lastly, before I go, may I just say that I am an introverted person but I do care for you all. Please do let me know if there is anything I can help pray for you even if sometimes I am passive.

    Thanks again KM, J, J and J :) I really thank God for all of you. May God’s will be done in this cell.

    Codfishy


  • For an email from KM asking how I was and whether I would like to go with her to Christian bookshop to see see look look :) I am not being hopeful that this is good news but nonetheless it still is hope right? Just happy to see the email.
  • For being able to finish reading 2 chapters from a book my sister bought yesterday on prayer. It was easy and good reading. Today, I read Chapter 1 and reflected why we sometimes find it difficult to pray e.g. because we feel God don't care, that prayer is an assault on deep-seated human values on independent living, that it is embarrasing etc. But as I reflect upon the chapter, I come to realise how my prayer has changed tremendously from what it was like last time.

    Now, I recognise that sometimes there are just times when we do not know what to do and can just pray; in fact there are times that there is nothing else we can do but go down on our knees and pray. I also come to use prayer as a time of talking to God and my prayers are no longer focused on what I want but then after coming to know God more, I have come to know His heart and pray for things to work out according to His will. Indeed, sometimes, my prayer are not even "closed-eyes" affairs and I can just be talking to God, submitting requests and also giving thanks while I am walking. It is a time where I can get to experience Him and be in communion with Him; experiencing the peace sometimes and committing struggles into His hands and letting Him work through me. Come to think about it, my way of prayer is indeed much more different that in the past.
Joining a Gym
OK, stitch-giver has talked to me and I will be going with her to the gym tomorrow. There is a high likelihood that I may join the gym given that I am also worried about my health, with all the leg pains and also heart pain being experienced during the weekends. I am also getting way fatter and today while going out from home to work, my mum mentioned in passing how my tummy was just becoming bigger. Think it is just time I needed to do something for my own health and maybe I will start with simple exercises first. Played basketball for a while with KM and a few other cell members on Sunday and leg did not hurt as much today. Maybe it is true that I need to stretch the muscle a little. Anyway, even the doctor on Saturday also told me to start simple first because I need to exercise to get rid of the excess weight which might be causing my leg pain.

Flabbergasted by Selfish Acts
On a side note, I was real disturbed by what I saw today. I was returning back home from work and in front of me was this boy, no older than 14 years old, and he was in his school uniform. As he walked past the drain, he just conveniently threw his mineral water bottle into the drain and walked by. I was flabbergasted by what I saw and kept thinking "what's wrong with these people?! Why are they so selfish?!" Just as I was lamenting about it, within seconds, an elderly gentleman walking in front cleared his throat and spitted it on to the ground. What's wrong with these people?! Is it everyone for themselves now?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

 

I Never Thought I will See This Day

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My Chains are Gone
Today was just an awesome Sunday, starting first with a wonderful Sunday service with wonderful worship. For the first time, I was singing "Amazing Grace" and coming to appreciate the lyrics because it just touched my heart and aptly described my walk with the Lord so far... I was indeed lost but now am found, was blind but now I see the glory of God and the works of His hand and indeed He has promised good to me and I am seeing it slowly taking shape. It has not been an easy journey but as I sang the song, I gave thanks how my chains are indeed gone.


Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)


Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine

I Never Thought I will See This Day
Today was also an awesome Sunday because for the first time after I took on cell, we have gathered together and had fun playing monopoly, tennis and wii. It was just awesome seeing how people came together to eat lunch and then adjourned to KM's house for games. As I watched the people come together and have fun with one another, I was crying out to God giving thanks that I am able to see this day. I have never thought I would one day see my cell coming together like that and I was kind of overwhelmed with emotions. I also gave thanks when I saw how a quiet member who seemed to have come brokened a few months ago but have seem to settle down well in cell and enjoyed the fellowship. It was just amazing seeing him open up to talk to people :) I was also glad that a friend who I have been praying for to walk back with the Lord had been able to join us. I also gave thanks that people just gelled and everything just went well. In fact, I was even extra extroverted, chirpy and decisive today, something I could not explain why. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord!!

Affairs of the Heart
As for love matters, well a few more things happened today but then I am just left more confused than ever. After yesterday's "romantic" outing, more things happened today. I was walking beside KM out of church when someone realised that we were wearing the same colour scheme (white top and jeans) and shouted "couple wear"! That did make me blush a little and I kept silent. There was no response from KM too.

Today, she performed with the choir on the stage as well and as I stood there watching her perform, it was just awesome watching her and seeing her all filled with pure joy and cheer as she sang and dance just made me appreciate her more as a person. Then, while we were waiting for everyone at the atrium, she came over to me and asked me a 欠扁问答题:

There is 26 letters in the alphabet but if E.T. were to go home, how many is left?

Well, I guessed 24 but then she told me that I was wrong because E.T. left on a U.F.O. so left 21. :) Then, she soon asked me if I have got a copy of the church calendar of events for cell. So far, she had been a wonderful helper in my ministry because I had been a very blur leader and she had a wonderful partner in ministry. All these just made me appreciate her more and more, not because she is a good assistant leader but it just made me wonder if God had intended her to be my life partner.

Anyway, I was just so hopeful until later when we were eating dinner and she was taking some food for a friend. Another lady friend mentioned that she would make a good wife and I followed-up with the comment that whoever becomes her life partner will be blessed. The lady friend then pointed at me and asked me to "consider her". KM then paused for a while, turned to the lady friend and jokingly said, "you think no one wants me?" ouch! I do not know what she meant but then this really does not sound hopeful.

Then later in the night, as I made my way home, I SMSed her and thanked her for putting everything together. Our SMSes came in at the same time. I know she had done a lot and also paid a lot of money for all these gatherings and also making the house available for cell; all these despite the fact she has stopped working now. In one of my SMS, I mentioned how I was so glad seeing a cheerful KM again and how I thank God for bringing her to cell and also making a wonderful impact on me and my ministry. There was then a short delay in the response and what came asking me not to be so "ke qi" and to let her know if I want to exercise (because she knows my leg is giving me problems and that I am worried about my health) and that she will be a good member to assist me. OK, maybe she gets the hint and just implying that she wants to remain friends.

Well, maybe I am just very 婆妈 when it comes to affairs of the heart and I just do not have the courage to hint more... It is not that I do not care about the relationship but I just still have the fear that I will lose the friendship if things don't turn out well. I just don't want to take the risk of losing a wonderful friend. Sigh, lets just see how things turn out la.

 

Life is Like a Movie? What Kind of Movie?

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Trying this for the first time. Which is my fav cartoon characters (enter with a "-" in between e.g. tweety-and-sylvester)?

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