The Pains of Ministry

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It has been a whale of a week... and I am starting to come to understand the pains of ministry. This week, I kind of cheered up a little bit but things came crashing down a little yesterday when I had an online chat with a member.

Of Love and Appreciation
First off, on Monday, I received a piece of good news from my boss about my bonus. Well I have spent on my Wii and with the way things are, I think I will hold off any other big expenses and just save, just in case we need the money. The bonus came just in time to just lift me up a little because nothing lifts me up more than having my work being recognised and appreciated. Then, I also met up with this bubbly JC student volunteer who just made my day. There is just something about this young lady and her class which makes me smile everytime I see them. Their enthusiasm and unity in wanting to do good and how they had been so enthusiastic about the whole project and approached shopping malls to make arrangements to offer their gift wrapping service in exchange for donations to us. And then I learnt that they are putting the whole project together with their own personal and parents' financial resources and it just makes me go... Awwww... in amusement. Seeing passionate and caring people like that really make my day. So in the end, I decided to help them apply for grant with Young Changemakers and decided to give them a letter of support for their application. That's the least I could do. But it is really working with people like that which makes my day and now I remember why I love my job sometimes and I thank God for sending these people into my midst to remind me that humans can be nice too amidst all the ugliness.

Then, on Thursday, I walked out of my department to find this young lady with a humble looking short lady walking towards me, with a big bag of polar cakes and puffs. I thought I find her familiar and then I realised that she is the mum of one of my volunteers and she came almost the same time last year to bless me with a polar curry puff. I can't believe it but then she is back again this year, this humble looking little lady to bless me again with a pie. At the back of my mind I was thinking "what did I do to deserve this" but apparently, her daughter has continued to volunteer at one of my departments in my building and she is here to show her appreciation to the staff. Frankly, I felt quite "undeserving" to receive the receive the gift because I did not do much except link her up with the department staff. But besides this, she also told me that she has passed the message on about our month-long fundraising project and yes, I remember her friend calling me. I don't know but then I just love being amidst these wondering people and busking in the love that is in the air. I do not know if you know what I mean but then all these just perked me up and made my week less dreary.

Of Love and Sacrifice
Then on Wednesday, I was supposed to go for department dinner but then it was canceled in the end. So I stayed in a little to finish off writing my Christmas cards to my volunteers when I suddenly hear a faint knock on my door. I turned and there I saw "the one" in her uniform standing at my door. Frankly, it was really a pleasant surprise seeing her come to visit me. I know she is concerned about the current situation I am in about cell and want to support but then to have her stand at my office door is just, well, too much for me to take. I think that is just what I like about her... her loving heart (which can sometimes, worryingly, be very self-sacrificial). I know she had worked night shift recently and she is tired but here she is, on her way to work and popping in to say "hi". Maybe it is the right time that my department dinner got cancelled, because then I asked her whether she would like to join me for dinner. But then, dinner was a quiet affair as we sat at BaliThai restaurant and ate... I could tell that she is tired inside her and I know she is going through a lot of personal struggle but she seems to be keeping it to herself. It really pains me to see her like that but then I do not know what to say and I do not want to keep asking her to talk about her pain and harp on it. She also did not seem ready to talk about it. But then I am really worried about her and it really breaks my heart to see her so. There were a lot of awkward silence between me and her. Maybe, I can say this but then I just want to hug her and maybe just let her know that someone cares for her deeply. But then, I just can't seem to get through to her. I do not know whether there is any chance of developing our relationship but then I really just wish her happiness. Sending her to work and seeing her walk to her ward with a melancholy heart just pains me. Anyway, I have decided that I will stay strong for her. Because I know she would like to encourage me on in cell ministry and she did share that she needed cell ministry. So rather than canceling cell, decided to "wake up and stop whining" and go ahead with cell meeting this week, despite struggling inside me with how things are going to turn out. But, for her sake, I am going to decide to try to pull through. Several times she asked me to call my members and tell them about cell this week but this was the very struggle I was facing, talking to my members. On one hand, I don't feel comfortable about her suggestion because I am not confident about myself but on the other hand I do not want to hurt her.

Of Thanksgiving
Then on Thursday, I was volunteering to be a bellringer for charity and I must say I do enjoy every single bit of the time volunteering. yes, I come across a lot of ugly Singaporeans who just walk past you and not acknowledge your presence but then it is the rare people who stopped to acknowledge you and/or donate that really make my day. To the person who walked by hurriedly and deposited some money and words of enecouragement, thank you. To the young boy who came with his mum to donate and while her mum was telling us he donated a dollar earlier, he fished out another $2 from his wallet while smiling, thank you. To the gentlemen who stopped me as I helping to bring the pot back to the van after we were closed for the day and donated, thank you. To the various people who smiled back even though they did not donate, thank you for making me feel human. To the people who walked by, stopped and turned back to donate, thanks. To the kid, who I did not understand what he was saying, who kept taking my bell from me to ring furiously and enthusiasm and when he sat at the nearby steps, kept beckoning "please donate!", thank you. To all the parents who took the chance to teach your children about giving, when you thrusted the donation into their hands and encouraged them to drop it into the pot, thank you. You have indeed stood out as gems.

Indeed, it is never easy being a fundraiser, sometimes being seen as a parasite, sometimes having to deal with rejection, sometimes having to deal with false hopes when people take out their wallet or walk towards you with something in their hands. But it was interesting people watching and especially, I had two interesting incidents yesterday, one involving someone who walked up to us, looked at us as he slowly put a packet with two kiwi slices onto our donation pot and then there was another drunkard guy who came up to put something into the pot, kept hanging around the pot and kept saying he put in US$2. I thank him and several times he just stood in front of me, stared at me and at one point in time, danced with my donation stand. Then, he snatched my bell and started ringing before I, daringly, took the bell from him saying I needed to work and asked him to go back to rest. Thank God he did not attack me and went on his way. But this drunkard did make me realise something; that there are many people living in worst pain than I am so why am I lamenting?

Of My Spiritual Dilemma
Then, on Tuesday, I met up with my Area Overseer and my Zone Pastor about my decision to step down. Prior to meeting them, it must have been anxiety because I started to have this headache. I can't understand why I had waited for this day to come and now I dread going to see them. I really do not know my stand by now; whether I am still going to step down or not. Anyway, I did go to meet them and I won't say the meeting went as well as I would have expected it to. As you may have guessed, there was affirmation and encouragement to stay amidst the agenda. But I still thank them both for hearing me out and giving me the chance to share. Basically, two options were given: one, take sabbatical leave for half a year, dissolve the cell but I myself must find a cell to actively belong to and when the cell becomes ready to multiply, I will take on spiritual leadership for that cell or two: continue on. Both my AO and ZP explained that they did not hope for me to slide away because I am ending on a bad note and it will stay with me. Frankly, I also feel so and I know there is the danger because of what I have gone through, I am basically emotionally damaged. And the funny thing is this... given my current circumstances and my willful heart, I should have easily made the choice to choose option one since I needed rest. But then, when my ZP asked me whether this was what I want, I found myself suddenly stunned and lost for words... for once the reality that cell is going to be dissolved became so real to me and tear welled up again, except this time I was successful in holding it back, unlike the last time when I teared when I was with "the one" when I was asked a similar question. But there were a few things which I have brought away with me from the session with them and somehow, it was not clear until it was affirmed by them:

• That my cell, despite being in current state, was receiving more visitors than any other cell as if it is a natural thing that our cell attracts visitor. Well, maybe so because I sensed once that God wants the cell to minister to people who are hurt, who have backslided or who have been misled. Basically, a cell to minister to people with baggages.
  
• That, despite how much a failure as a leader I described myself to be, I made a new member comfortable enough to want to settle in the cell
• That many people would be dying to be like me to sometimes be able to hear from God rather clearly.
  

Both my AO and ZP shared that they did not understand my decision because on one hand I was sharing that I AM growing spiritually but on the other hand I want to give up. They looked at my puzzled and couldn't fully comprehend my decision. I shared with them that it is spiritual growth vs emotional pains and the emotional pains was just becoming too overwhelming for me to ignore that I chose to make a willful decision to give up. What I was uncomfortable was my AO's summary of everything to do with my negative assessment of myself because although I know I can be rather critical of myself at times, he is not away of some of the undercurrents in my cell which had made me chose this path. I was also uncomfortable about my ZP's suggestion to overcome my challenge of being an introvert. I know he is an introvert as well (because somehow I can sense he has a similar character) and he seemed to have conquered it and so eager for me to overcome it as well as a leader. But then it makes it sound like I haven't been trying. It have been years of trying. Anyway, I left the session feeling a little uncomfortable about these two things but yet receiving several positive affirmations to help me view things a little differently.

Of Ministry Pains
Then yesterday evening, I had the most upsetting MSN conversation with a cell member that I broke down. I know he meant well and he uses the "tough nut" tactic to spur me on but then I told him I did not need that now. There are just some people who you can use the "tough nut" tactic; the "kick in the butt" tactic and there are some people you need to use the soft approach. But anyway, I do thank God for the session ending relatively well though by the time the conversation ended it was 2am. At first, he was confronting me about how unreal I am in church when I kept smiling when in fact I am struggling. That came as a shock to me because the last thing I want myself to be is a hypocrite and ingenuine because I hate such people. I explained that I genuinely mean it when I smile and why I am smiling in church is because I meant it and usually am uplifted when I am in church after service. I remember once I had a friend who came up to me and asked me "whether there are times I do not smile?". The fact is that I smile most times (though lesser now) and when I am sad or angry or anything, my friends usually tell me it is written all over me, and I have tried to hide it, but trust me it is difficult. I had once tried to smile while bellringing but then because I was not well emotionally, the smile came very difficult. So when I was confronted with this, it threw me off my chair. I think I understand where this member is coming from, he is a bit uncomfortable seeing me smile when in fact he recently learnt that I have been having sleepless nights etc about cell ministry, but yet, everytime he sees me, I am usually smiling. Then, when I message or MSN, I keep putting smileys and "hehehe" in my messages which I think makes him cringe. Well maybe this is indeed something I need to address and I should try to cut down on usage of these in cases people start doubting my sincerity. But if I can clarify, I do mean it when I use them.

Then, came an onslaught of messages telling me how I should trust God, how He is toughening me up, how I should have confidence in the authority given by Him and the whole works. The thing is that, I know all these and he need not tell me about all these. I know he meant well and being young and hot-blooded and all fired up for Christ, he can be kicking me in the butt about all these. But then, one thing I have learnt from this whole episode is that trials are real and there can come a time when your faith will be tested to the max. Throughout the conversation, I was "screaming" to be understood and not be bombarded by all these "you should, you should" messages because I know them. All I need now is someone to say they understand my path and encourage me on, not someone who ask me to deny my path so far and focus on Christ, I can;t do it. Then, he says that he understands and then I started to challenge him saying that he does not fully understand what I am going through. Then, came something which I was even surprised myself that I did it. In a fit of moment, I blurted out all my age-long struggles (some are some dirty linens)... I went... "do you understand the pain of this.... do you understand the pain of that..." and this went on for a few minutes. I do not know if God used me through this conversation but then in the end, I hope God has shown that how sometimes the "kick in the butt" tactic does not work on everyone and how sometimes all the person needs is just to be with him/her for a while to grief and then move on. In fact, it is a valuable lesson I learnt myself that the next time someone faces a trial. I don;t mean not to give bible verses or say things like you need to trust God etc (because chances are that they might already know). But of course there are sometimes people who don't know. It is not so much what you say but how you say it; it should not negate the person's experiences but support and encourage. I do also hope that God will help this member to understand how sometimes trials are real and testing of faith is real so much so people might want to give up even though it makes no sense. It is not so much I have not tried and my blog bears witness to my terrible ups and downs in trying but it is just about exhaustion. Anyway, I thank God that the session in the end turned out rather well in that he admitted he knows this is something he needs to address, about his hard tactics. But I did affirm him how God is going to use us both to reach out to people but then to different kinds of people. He also shared with me about how my smileys and "hahas" is causing much doubt and I think that is something I need to look into. I did say in a joking manner that I will be avoiding him because I have never shared with anyone about my life-long struggles so far and having shared so much. I foresee that when I see him I am going to shy away from him, so I decided to prepare him.

Of Spiritual Calling and Attacks
But after having that talk with him, suddenly, I received another MSN message from a friend about an email she has received from a group of supposedly Messianic Christians, condemning Christians and the celebration of Christmas and its wickedness. She felt uncomfortable with the email and so did I. I did shared with her a few rebuttals about the email (surprised my mind is still working after an emotional trauma and at that time of the night). But then I thank God if He had helped me to see some of these inconsistencies including how there was a sentence labelling Christians as having a short-term memory of the grace and love of God which I believe is true but it is not only Christians who are forgetful but human race who have, according to the bible fallen away from God. We use the same bible so to miss that point and labelling Christians as being forgetful is an understatement. I did share with her from 1 John 1:1-6 about testing of spirits and letting God and the Holy Spirit which dwell in us to help us know what is true of God and what is false. I strongly believe that if we are close to God and Christ and He lives in us, then alarm bells will sound when something is not of Him. After that talk, something did occur to me... maybe God is indeed toughening up because it seems that God has always involved me in some spiritual warfare with people who might be misled, be it from the korean cult or any other groups and this might be what in the end I will be called for. It might be true that the devil had been working to stop this if indeed this is true. I do not know but there had indeed been much battle in the spiritual realm over the last few weeks and that is for sure.

On Thursday, we had devotion at work and I thank God for ministering to me through the devotion. Even though the topic was not on what ministered to me, the story of Mary and Joseph came to mind and it became clear to me how they would have been ridiculed and had to endure how others will look at them when the virgin Mary was pregnant with Christ. But they hanged on and so the ministry of Christ began.

Of Feelings of Injustice
Lastly, I just want to be a little complainer. I got so angry yesterday when I heard how a friend of a fellow colleague had complained about our staff being rude and rejected a donation-in-kind which was rather new, just because they misunderstood my colleague's friend to be selling stuff. I got so angry that despite how much I put in in work to build a reputation for our charity, there will be people out there who will just spoil the whole thing. Then, today, I also learnt about a colleague who always keeps tabs of how long others go for lunch but when she goes for lunch, she can be gone for hours, leave early and when boss is not around, she can leave office at 4.30pm and come in late. And when she is confronted about it, she will scold the person about it or, from what I heard, if she is confronted by a superior she will become dramatic and cry etc about it. I do not know how much I hear is true but if it is true, I am real sick and disappointed with this person. What's her problem?! I just find it not fair that here there are some people working their butts off for the charity and there she is, trying to find the easy way out. What's her problem?! Makes my blood boil.

A Change of Heart

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Cell was cancelled as "planned" on Friday and in the end, I just met up with my sister for a movie. I was feeling real rotten about the whole thing about cell; on one hand, I can't wait for Tuesday to come quickly so I can get the decision to step down over and done with and yet on the other hand, how I wished that time will stand still because I did not want to have to face my cell next week when I announce my decision to step down. It was just a depressing evening but I just told myself I am going to just enjoy the movie. Caught "Enchanted" with my sister and although she found it a bit draggy, I liked it a lot, especially the songs... very catchy tunes. I would say I really enjoyed the movie (except the part with the cockroaches coming out of the bath tub, eeek gross!). I also liked how they poked fun at the difference between fairy tales and real life.

That's How You Know


Happy Working Song


True Love's Kiss


So Close


Change of Heart?
Anyway, it was really amazing how God changes my heart for cell leadership. I can't explain it but then even though I had been feeling all depressed over the past couple weeks, when I woke up on Saturday, things just felt different. Well, I still don;t feel very good about my circumstances in cell ministry but then the negative feelings and the will to step down just suddenly took a plunge. I do not know what caused the change and frankly, I wasn't the bit thrilled about this change because what am I going to say to my AO and zone pastor when I see them on Tuesday? That I changed my mind? I don't know... why am I feeling less negative about the whole thing?

Perhaps God had really been doing His work in my life. Starting from last week's Nick Vujicic's service which made me "fight" back and asked God to "stop it", it seemed that God has continued to send people into my midst to minister to me. On Friday, I had a little bit of "talking to" by a fellow colleague about my decision to step down and although I understood everything that she was saying to me, it just did not settle well in my heart, it seems that my heart is set on stepping down. Yes, she asked me to look through my blog to see how faithful God had been but then the fact is that I am really exhausted and there was this part of me which kept going "you are not me, you do not fully understand what I am going through". But the fact is that she seemed to understand. In fact, I really do appreciate this sister-in-christ for coming to speak to me because for a long time, it seemed that no one seem to understand the full extent of what I was going through (mainly because I did not really share much with many as weel) but she was so right in pointing out everything that was causing me to feel so down during this period (there were even moments when I could not hold back my tears, so embarrasing). Somewhat, it made me sit up and listen to her. Although what she has spoken did not really settle down in my heart, it did seem to plant a small seed. Before she left, she told me that she believe that God will continue to speak to me throughout the weekend.

Then, on Saturday evening, I went to attend a thanksgiving musical at one of my children's home and I always enjoy going for these events because it somehow reminds me why I am doing what I am doing at work. But this year's musical was slightly different, besides making me appreciate my role in my work, it made me reflect on the fundamental question about the centrality of Christ in my life and how I am worshipping God. It just took one song, Heart of Worship, a song which I knew so well, to minister to me.

Heart of Worship


The words to the song spoke to me as I sat there watching the children sing the song. It was as if I was asked about my act of worshipping God; being reminded that it is not so much the act but the heart of worshipping God. It made me realise how I have strayed far away from worshipping God from my heart and how so much "other things" have crept in. What is my heart of worship and what am I doing for God?

I also thank God for showing me how He works too, throughout this weekend. Stitchgiver came to the thanksgiving concert dressed as an "Incredibles" hero and I must say she is really sporting and she did look her part. As we ate, she was just saying how she seemed to be the only one who dressed as a superhero and she even brought a mini Jack-Jack cushion with her. But then, I soon saw how God had intended her dressing up as a superhero and her Jack Jack cushion for good. There was this little girl who was tearing and here I began to saw how our superhero came to the rescue. I am always amazed how Stitchgiver is always so good with children and she offered her Jack Jack cushion to the little girl and that really did cheer the girl up a bit. Even though this is a little small incident, but it showed me how God is really in control and can make good every circumstances.

I once again saw how God worked the next morning when I saw how He helped to bring a fellow sister-in-christ to church to hear from Nanz-Chong Komo who survived from the failed 1.99 shop business. I had been praying for my friend and hope that she will make it to church and something did happened this morning which could have stopped my friend from coming to church but praise to God that she managed to attend the service in the end and I was also glad that the service ministered to her as much as it ministered to me as well. Through Nanz's testimony and her lessons learnt, it really did show me how:

1. Sometimes we do not understand God's hand but we can understand God's heart. After all, He revealed through scriptures (Jeremiah 29:11) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
2. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and others and stop playing the blaming game; the Adam and Eve syndrome when they blamed everyone but themselves for sinning
3. How it is important to stick around Godly people and maintain wholesome relationships especially during troubled times because it is so easy to just stray away during these times
4. Keep sowing during troubled times and trust in the Lord - continue to sow seeds for Christ
   
5. Having a thankful attitude and being aware of how God has worked in our lives
   1 Thess 5:18: give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
   
6. Claiming God's promise for us
   Isa 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
   Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Nanz's testimony spoke to me mainly because (i) there were similarities between her testimony and mine, which made me sit up and listen; she backslided for 15 years and so did I, she started her testimony with Jer 29:11 which I believe is her life verse and so was it mine and (ii) she stands proud as a testimony of how God has worked for her over 5 years and yet I am but giving up after 5-6 months, maybe it does take some time and character-building, maybe it is a testing of faith, maybe it is so I can stand and testify one day of His glory, maybe it is any one of these reasons or maybe there are other reasons I won't know. But one thing which came up very strongly through Nanz's and Nick's testimonies is that, circumstances are always here but it is how we respond to God. Easy said but tough to put into action. Through them both, I have also learnt how our testimonies are like biblical stories which can be used to encourage and edify each another and lastly how God is always there for us and how we need to trust Him.

Frankly, at this point in time I do not know what it my decision for cell ministry... I did have strong desires to want to step down but over a few hours, this desire diminished tremendously. I do still want to give up because there is so much uncertainty and it is sometimes real painful going through it (I sat next to 2 of my cell members today and had nothing to say to one another) but yet, it really seemed that there are very clear indications this weekend about His promise.

I also thank God for a fellow sister-in-christ who, despite being overseas, gave me a call to check in if I am OK.