A Change of Heart

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Cell was cancelled as "planned" on Friday and in the end, I just met up with my sister for a movie. I was feeling real rotten about the whole thing about cell; on one hand, I can't wait for Tuesday to come quickly so I can get the decision to step down over and done with and yet on the other hand, how I wished that time will stand still because I did not want to have to face my cell next week when I announce my decision to step down. It was just a depressing evening but I just told myself I am going to just enjoy the movie. Caught "Enchanted" with my sister and although she found it a bit draggy, I liked it a lot, especially the songs... very catchy tunes. I would say I really enjoyed the movie (except the part with the cockroaches coming out of the bath tub, eeek gross!). I also liked how they poked fun at the difference between fairy tales and real life.

That's How You Know


Happy Working Song


True Love's Kiss


So Close


Change of Heart?
Anyway, it was really amazing how God changes my heart for cell leadership. I can't explain it but then even though I had been feeling all depressed over the past couple weeks, when I woke up on Saturday, things just felt different. Well, I still don;t feel very good about my circumstances in cell ministry but then the negative feelings and the will to step down just suddenly took a plunge. I do not know what caused the change and frankly, I wasn't the bit thrilled about this change because what am I going to say to my AO and zone pastor when I see them on Tuesday? That I changed my mind? I don't know... why am I feeling less negative about the whole thing?

Perhaps God had really been doing His work in my life. Starting from last week's Nick Vujicic's service which made me "fight" back and asked God to "stop it", it seemed that God has continued to send people into my midst to minister to me. On Friday, I had a little bit of "talking to" by a fellow colleague about my decision to step down and although I understood everything that she was saying to me, it just did not settle well in my heart, it seems that my heart is set on stepping down. Yes, she asked me to look through my blog to see how faithful God had been but then the fact is that I am really exhausted and there was this part of me which kept going "you are not me, you do not fully understand what I am going through". But the fact is that she seemed to understand. In fact, I really do appreciate this sister-in-christ for coming to speak to me because for a long time, it seemed that no one seem to understand the full extent of what I was going through (mainly because I did not really share much with many as weel) but she was so right in pointing out everything that was causing me to feel so down during this period (there were even moments when I could not hold back my tears, so embarrasing). Somewhat, it made me sit up and listen to her. Although what she has spoken did not really settle down in my heart, it did seem to plant a small seed. Before she left, she told me that she believe that God will continue to speak to me throughout the weekend.

Then, on Saturday evening, I went to attend a thanksgiving musical at one of my children's home and I always enjoy going for these events because it somehow reminds me why I am doing what I am doing at work. But this year's musical was slightly different, besides making me appreciate my role in my work, it made me reflect on the fundamental question about the centrality of Christ in my life and how I am worshipping God. It just took one song, Heart of Worship, a song which I knew so well, to minister to me.

Heart of Worship


The words to the song spoke to me as I sat there watching the children sing the song. It was as if I was asked about my act of worshipping God; being reminded that it is not so much the act but the heart of worshipping God. It made me realise how I have strayed far away from worshipping God from my heart and how so much "other things" have crept in. What is my heart of worship and what am I doing for God?

I also thank God for showing me how He works too, throughout this weekend. Stitchgiver came to the thanksgiving concert dressed as an "Incredibles" hero and I must say she is really sporting and she did look her part. As we ate, she was just saying how she seemed to be the only one who dressed as a superhero and she even brought a mini Jack-Jack cushion with her. But then, I soon saw how God had intended her dressing up as a superhero and her Jack Jack cushion for good. There was this little girl who was tearing and here I began to saw how our superhero came to the rescue. I am always amazed how Stitchgiver is always so good with children and she offered her Jack Jack cushion to the little girl and that really did cheer the girl up a bit. Even though this is a little small incident, but it showed me how God is really in control and can make good every circumstances.

I once again saw how God worked the next morning when I saw how He helped to bring a fellow sister-in-christ to church to hear from Nanz-Chong Komo who survived from the failed 1.99 shop business. I had been praying for my friend and hope that she will make it to church and something did happened this morning which could have stopped my friend from coming to church but praise to God that she managed to attend the service in the end and I was also glad that the service ministered to her as much as it ministered to me as well. Through Nanz's testimony and her lessons learnt, it really did show me how:

1. Sometimes we do not understand God's hand but we can understand God's heart. After all, He revealed through scriptures (Jeremiah 29:11) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
2. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and others and stop playing the blaming game; the Adam and Eve syndrome when they blamed everyone but themselves for sinning
3. How it is important to stick around Godly people and maintain wholesome relationships especially during troubled times because it is so easy to just stray away during these times
4. Keep sowing during troubled times and trust in the Lord - continue to sow seeds for Christ
   
5. Having a thankful attitude and being aware of how God has worked in our lives
   1 Thess 5:18: give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
   
6. Claiming God's promise for us
   Isa 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
   Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Nanz's testimony spoke to me mainly because (i) there were similarities between her testimony and mine, which made me sit up and listen; she backslided for 15 years and so did I, she started her testimony with Jer 29:11 which I believe is her life verse and so was it mine and (ii) she stands proud as a testimony of how God has worked for her over 5 years and yet I am but giving up after 5-6 months, maybe it does take some time and character-building, maybe it is a testing of faith, maybe it is so I can stand and testify one day of His glory, maybe it is any one of these reasons or maybe there are other reasons I won't know. But one thing which came up very strongly through Nanz's and Nick's testimonies is that, circumstances are always here but it is how we respond to God. Easy said but tough to put into action. Through them both, I have also learnt how our testimonies are like biblical stories which can be used to encourage and edify each another and lastly how God is always there for us and how we need to trust Him.

Frankly, at this point in time I do not know what it my decision for cell ministry... I did have strong desires to want to step down but over a few hours, this desire diminished tremendously. I do still want to give up because there is so much uncertainty and it is sometimes real painful going through it (I sat next to 2 of my cell members today and had nothing to say to one another) but yet, it really seemed that there are very clear indications this weekend about His promise.

I also thank God for a fellow sister-in-christ who, despite being overseas, gave me a call to check in if I am OK.