Being Willful, Being Wiiful

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The decision to step down as leader from the cell ministry has been a big part of my life in the last few days; it has been an emotionally difficult time after I sent the request to step down to my Area Overseer. Somehow, I know cognitively I shouldn't and I do not feel good about the decision, but then I am being willful in sticking to the decision to step down.

Enough is enough and the last few months have been emotionally grueling, so much so I am not sure how I will come out of all these. I know it is an unfair decision to make, unfair to members who are growing, to those who are still supportive of me, to another fellow leader who had stepped up at the same time with me and to my cell as a whole, but it is a decision I still had to make given how much I had been affected by it all. I can't sleep well recently and emotionally I have been damaged quite a bit. And during the Nick Vujicic service, it wasn't easy also because he delivered a powerful message about trusting in God and His purpose for us. He reminded us that circumstances will always be there but he always remember that God loves us and will always be with us. I remember several times during the service, I was on the verge of crying because deep in my heart, I know I am making a willful decision to step down but on the other hand, I hear myself saying to God:

"God stop it! This is not making the decision any easier. I know you speak to me through sermons but this time, it has gotten far too distressing and I just cannot hold on to the promise anymore. Why can't you let this service be about other things but about purpose and how You love us and will be with us? I hear you ask me to trust You again and I sense You reaching out to me through both the Saturday and Sunday services but I am just tired."

Beside this willful decision, there were also many other willful small decisions made over the last few days. For example, on Saturday, church sent me an email requesting for me to follow-up with a new-comer who is keen to join cell. I made a decision not to follow-up given the current circumstances of cell and told my AO that maybe he would want to let another cell leader follow-up with her. I was also to serve as a ministry team worker on Saturday service but I willfully made the decision not to turn up for the briefing and also not serve on that day, partly because a friend was coming and I was playing host and partly because I am not keen to follow-up with anyone anymore.

Then today, I made the willful decision to cancel cell tomorrow. I had initially thought that I am going to announce about my stepping down tomorrow but then it seems like this won't take place tomorrow, since my both my Area Overseer and Zone Pastor would like to meet up with me next Tuesday to talk about my decision. Frankly, I do not know how it will turn out but then I am just so tired that I even made the decision to, selfishly, cancel cell meeting. I don't know but then I have been so emotionally affected by all these I am not sleeping well, I do not have the mood the work and also I do not really want to see any of my cell members or lead anything for the time being. As if this wasn't tough enough, some members from the teenage congregation messaged me to ask me if they can visit my cell tomorrow. They were supposed to graduate from their zone and are to visit cells and decide where they would like to settle in once they move out into the young adult ministry. But what a time to call about this? I did tell them that we are not meeting tomorrow but they asked when will the cell next meet. How do I respond to them? Do I tell them: don't come because the cell is in a bad state now?

Then, there is also cell group community outreach work which my cell is supposed to work together with another cell but then nothing seems to be taking off, so I might pull out. In fact, I am getting so willful that recently, I sometimes find myself having the difficulty to mouth out the words of some of the worship songs during service and devotions.

But I do however thank God for a wonderful service last week with Nick Vujicic and it is really amazing to see how God works in others' lives. It is just amazing that someone who I have been praying for suddenly called me on Saturday morning and asked if I had plans that Saturday. I told him I was attending Nick's sharing and surprisingly, he told me that he will join me, despite him living on the other end of the island; more than an hour's travel to my church. Then, it was also amazing how God seem to have spoken to my sister's friends as well, one of whom is a Muslim (I learnt from my sister that her friends would usually be quite restless when they visit other churched but this time round, thing seems different). In fact, my sister's muslim friend requested for a salvation decision pack as well. Throughout the service, it is just amazing to see how God works and put things together. Anyway, after the service, I decided to join my sister and her friends for supper. As I sat in the car, I looked at my sister and her friends and I must admit that I became a little jealous how she related so well to her friends. It just made me real upset again that my cell is still not able to be like that. I am jealous of my sister and I am jealous of Nick for having so much joy in the Lord, despite his circumstances.

Anyway, I thank God for sending "the one" to encourage me on. I met up with her on Sunday and as usual there was a lot of silence between us and a kind of awkwardness not knowing what to say. But that Sunday evening, she joined me and two other friends at Ang Mo Kio and later in the day, I had a chance to sit down with her to catch up a little bit. We shared abit of our struggles. In fact, I was sharing about my cell ministry struggle and at one point, when she asked me where do I see the cell going i.e. whether it will be dissolved etc, I spoke and suddenly could not hold back my tears. I think she must have been caught unaware because immediately she thrusted a packet of tissue to me, bowed her head and said "let's pray". That was indeed a wonderful (and cute) gesture that I really appreciate. She did say that maybe what I needed might be rest and assured me that she will support my decision to take a break. However, I am thinking that it might not just be a break because this has been such a "emotional torment" I do not foresee myself taking cell leadership up again. I know that sometimes when God calls, we can't run away so if cell leadership is indeed my calling, I might one day be confronted with the calling again. But for now, I am taking a step down. I really thank God for putting people around me to comfort me and encourage me on and also thank God for my friends who were with me and "the one" last Sunday, and for helping to cheer "the one" a little.

On a lighter note, I managed to buy Wii; spending a total of $700 plus. Wow, heart pain la but then I do hope that my dad will like it and that it will give him something to do at home because I know how lonely it can be sometimes. So far, he seems to like the bowling game only, it has been rather fun so far. Was in fact "bowling" with my dad on Monday as I was on medical leave because of my leg. Hahaha, in fact, several times, had to "put water" because the score gap was getting a little wide :) I also thank God for the visit to the zoo on Saturday with my colleagues and for my leg getting better. (Picture: Source)

Last Friday, we also had cell fellowship but then in the end, only a visitor, his friend and "the one" came. It was rather upsetting and in the end, we just had simple dinner. But then, right after dinner, there was a little midnight adventure. "The one" received a phonecall from one of her patient's relative who told her that the patient did not want to go to hospital and asked for her help. So we made our way down to the patient's home and I decided to stick around to help a little. By this time, it is already 10.30pm and for an hour or so, my friend had to persuade her to go to the hospital. In the end, the old lady requested to be brought around Orchard in a cab to help cheer her up. We relented and took her on a tour of Orchard Road till about midnight. Wow, first time travelling around aimlessly in town in a cab during midnight. Anyway, I can see the tiredness of my friend, especially when she has been having a tough time at work and has to wake up 5am the next day to work. Throughout the whole incident, I have come to appreciate her "gentleness" and sacrificial character. But I am really concerned about her burning out because she is always so helpful towards others. In fact, I kind of feel bad that I shared with her about my cell struggle because I do not know if I have added on another burden on her shoulders; wondering how I am doing. She had been messaging me several times the past few days to check in on me and have also sent me 2 ecards to enourage me on. I really hope I am not putting burden on her. Dear Lord, how I hope all these will just come to an end, I am tired and I just want to spend a pleasant Christmas.

"The One" sent me a cute card from hoops and yoyo,

these guys are so funny that even though I am feeling rather upset,
they never fail to make me smile. Click on the picture above to see the eCard.

Anyway, I am back to my introverted self again and as usual, I find myself not confident at all. It seems that the change that I experienced from the New Life Encounter is now gone. Maybe because I am just emotionally unwell and still have lots of unforgiveness in my heart. Went to a function yesterday and once again, felt very overwhelmed by the need to interact with people. Most of the time, found myself either alone or having to be very formal, going to shake people's hand and say some formal stuff like "congratulations on your new premises". Didn't really feel very comfortable yesterday but good thing it only lasted for a while and I was on my way home.