When Enough is Enough

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Thanksgiving
This week hasn't been a breeze at all. I am still dealing with my dad's condition, pain in my leg and struggles in my cell ministry. I still thank God that work is manageable now and for hearing half good news from the doctor about my dad's condition. On Tuesday, I managed to the doctor and although it wasn't exactly fully bad or good news, it is still half good news; my dad does not have TB, he does not have HIV, he does not have lymphoma as yet but he has a rare medical condition called castleman's disease which may lead to Lymphoma. It was a relief but then things are still pretty much in the air for now... I do not know how things are going to turn out and whether it is just going to stay as castleman's. But at least for now, he can be discharged.

Caught between my Dad and the Doctor
Anyway, it is good my dad can be discharged because I can tell he is rather upset about this time's hospital stay. Just before leaving him at the hospital on Tuesday after talking to the doctor, I nagged at my dad a bit and at moments, kept telling him to not get so angry because he seems to have a different expectation on what the doctor should do vs what the doctor think they should do; he wanted the doctors to relieve him of his breathing discomfort which is causing sleepless nights while the doctor is focusing on his condition and risk of having TB or lymphoma. Even as the doctor spoke about his castleman's diesease, my dad went on and on about his breathing difficulty and at the corner of my eye, I could see the doctor having that "not again" kind of look, which I must admit made me feel abit paisay. So after the family conference with the doctors, I brought my dad down to the foodcourt and as he was eating his egg, I was not only nagging about how he was taking 7 eggs a day but also had a bit of exchange with him about how he should not get himself all worked up because he sometimes can have different expectations from the doctor and also misinterpret what the doctor says. On hindsight, I am rather uncomfortable about having that exchange, though not heated, with my dad. On my way back to work, Stitch Giver messaged and as we messaged, I come to realise from her message that maybe my dad is indeed anxious about the whole thing. It is not that I couldn't understand but then sometimes I just find it unnecessary for my dad to get all so worked up.

I am Quitting
Anyway, I have seem to come to a decision about my cell leadership. I have come to decide that I will just give up because I am just very tired. I think I had struggled enough over the last few months and instead of growing, the cell is just shrinking. I am not even sure whether my members are growing spiritually (despite my sister saying she is). I am just tired; tired of trying, tired of worrying week after week about cell, tried of thinking about where cell is going, tiring of worrying for people's spiritual growth, tired of week after week doing so much for cell. Since the year is ending and my church's leadership conference is coming up in Jan, which is where we will be signing the leadership covenant to indicate our commitment to serve as leaders for another year, I might as well make up my mind now to quit before the conference. I am tired emotionally and mentally and I cannot foresee myself going on any further. I feel accountable for my members' growth but then I cannot take it when people are drifting away and yet dealing with the feeling that I am such a failure for not being able to turn all these around. Yes, people can say that it is the members' personal responsibility to grow spiritually but then as a leader, it just does not go down well knowing that your members may not be growing or even drifting away. I am just so exhausted that this matter has affected me so much I am not sleeping well. These few days, I struggled terribly out of bed and struggle to go to work. And every time I think about my cell and see how other cells are so tightly knitted relative to my cell, I just feel like crying. I have had enough of arranging for fellowship and having no one come, sending email and having no response and having to worry about who can help with worship etc in cell every week. The members do not seem to be interested at all, and attendance has been bad. Now, I know some are looking around and visiting other cells so why prolong the mental torment?

The Decision
For my mental health's sake and for my members' growth, I should just step down. I still have faith and trust in God but not any more in this area because I am just tired. In fact, I am quite upset with God in this area and had started to be willful and recently, started to ask God alot of "why did you put me in this situation" questions in many areas of my life. "It is just so unfair!" I would exclaim. I am just tired and just want some rest and allow myself time to grow at a slower pace, serving God in other ways with joy. The issue now is just I do not know how to break this to my cell and my Area Overseer. My AO has once said that he will respect my decision to step down if I so choose though I can tell he would not prefer that. How am I going to answer to my cell members (only a handful) who have been all these while supporting me? How do I break the news? What is going to happen to cell because of my decision? Will there be someone stepping up? Will the cell be disbanded? Will there be a new leader coming to take over the cell? How will things be between me and my members after I step down, will there be awkwardness? How will my spiritual growth be like after I step down? The decision to step down is an easy one to make but the aftermath is something which is worrying me.