What Lies Ahead?
Thanksgiving
I thank God for quite a number of things this week. Firstly, I thank God for blessing me at work. My list of to-do has gotten so long that I feared going to work but somehow this week, things seems to be struck off the list one by one so much so it is more manageable now. Secondly, I thank God for the recovery of my leg and for the rest I got from my one day's MC. Went to see a doctor on Tuesday evening because the pain was getting quite excruciating and my sister and a few other colleagues did suggest that I better seek medical attention soon since it has been this way for weeks. Maybe because I was worried of what I am going to hear; some bad news, that's why I am pushing back seeing a doctor. Well, but on the other hand, I also did not have the time to see a doctor, given that I will either be rushing work, off to the hospital to see my dad or just lying down at home getting some rest. I have come to a stage where I am so badly exhausted I just needed to lie down and rest as much as I could.
Anyway, thank God that the diagnosis seems to be inflammation of my tendons. Doctor did mention that it might be due to overstraining myself from sports or just that I am getting far too heavy (I think the latter is true :D). Anyway, thank God that my leg is recovering, though slowly, and it does not hurt as much now though I still walk with a limp. I also thank God for the wonderful rest I got on Wednesday because I was really getting very exhausted and the rest seems to come right on time. But I must admit that I always find myself in contradictory situations whenever I am on leave or MC. I would be at home all by myself, I would be so tired that I want to rest and sleep but yet after a while, I would feel so restless that it becomes quite a chore sleeping and I want to do something e.g. go out for a walk but yet, I feel so tired. It is like my body is telling me to rest yet to do something to fight the boredom. Anyway, thank God for a friend who was coming to my area to run some errands and we caught up for lunch and later in the evening, a movie; Bee Movie.
I really can't remember when was the last time I caught a movie but then I totally enjoyed the movie and it was really a great destressor being with friends catching a movie. It's just a simple movie with a simple storyline but then what really impressed me a lot if how the morale behind the story is about how you should never underestimate how small you are because you do play a part (kind of a good reminder for a struggle I was to have later in the week which I will blog about later). Really, I didn't know that bees play such an important role and it is amazing how such a little creation of God can have such a great impact on nature and how certain things are the way they are for a reason. (Picture obtained from here)
Thirdly, I thank God for being able to serve at a luncheon thrown by a benefactor family annually. This year, I served as the "sound guy" yet again; three years in a row but I really enjoyed myself seeing how the volunteers put up a performance for close to 400 elderly. There was singing, dances, chinese orchestra etc, it was just wonderful. What was even more wonderful is seeing how everyone come together for the sake of the elderly. I once again realise how I love my job, even though it is indirect and behind the scenes work, but at the end of the day, it is seeing that the beneficiaries are blessed and have a good time that is the most satisfying.
Fourthly, I also thank God for a pastor in my workplace coming to me on Thursday asking how I was. He told me that he just felt that he needed to ask me and so I shared with him a little about my dad and also my leg. It's nothing much really but then the fact that he asked really goes a long way to making me appreciate the people God placed around me.
My Dad
Now the week has it's fair share of goods and bads. My dad's has been in hospital for close to 2 weeks now and the doctor seems to not know what the problem is.
First it was lymphoma, then the diagnosis came suspecting TB/lymphoma, then a few days ago, then a few days ago, they asked my dad if they can do a HIV test on him (and my dad said OK without knowing what is HIV). And today, they say that it might be a rare blood condition which might lead to lymphoma. While I do not blame the doctors because I know they are doing their best to try to find out what is wrong but all these are just making me very tired emotionally; dealing with worry, fear, anger, guilt. I really don't know. Someone mentioned that when we step up spiritually, there will also be spiritual attacks because it seemed to have happen many times to quite a number of missionaries I know. Of course, I hope this is not the case for me but then I still do trust God's sovereignty over all these. (Picture "Chest Xray" by adamci)
My Cell Leadership
Then, later in the week, I am beginning to feel like giving up cell once again. I have mentioned that there is this couple who is currently in my cell but they have stopped coming to cell quite a bit and is visiting other cells. Somehow, deep inside me I know that they are not taking to my style and hence am searching around for another cell. What pains me of course is not really so much of feeling rejected as a leader but the frankly this week, I am asking myself if I am indeed leading my members to grow spiritually or would another person do a better job? I wasn't sure I was helping my members to grow and yet when people walk away, I do not have the courage to talk to them about it. My cell is still small and not as closely-knitted as other cells and I blame myself for it. I always think that given another cell leader, he/she might have done a better job. Then of course, being a human, no one feels good about being rejected as a person. As a leader, I have come to realise how much work a leader does behind the scenes but sometimes this is unknown and much unappreciated. It is not so much that I clamor for people to know how much I am doing but then it just do not feel good feeling rejected. It is the couple's birthday this 2 weeks and as I limped my way to the bookstore to buy their gifts, I just hear a little voice in my mind asking me "Is this worth it? They do not appreciate you at all". Yes, it may be that the devil is placing a lot of doubt in me and myself about this path I myself have chosen to take but the rejection is just hard to accept. I told my sister briefly about my struggle to want to let go of cell and she kind off told me off in a "you are at it again" way and affirmed me about how she and maybe another one or two are growing spiritually. I don't know God, I do not know your plans for this cell and whether this cell is going to stay this way or what?
But anyway, I still thank God for His faithfulness yesterday that despite it was only 3 regulars, 3 visitors (including my area overseer who is here to visit), things went on quite well as we discussed how the Old Testament Challenge has impacted us. It was mostly me sharing but it seems it did spark off a little bit of discussion on reading the bible, even with the visitors. I pray that my sharing has ministered. I also thank God for sending my AO here yesterday because his presence did make a difference and he did help to make the other visitors comfortable. In fact, the 6 of us had fellowship till midnight.
"The One"
Oh by the way, I have made a decision on Tuesday morning to just give up on going after "the one" even though I have not started. I can't be sure if she is avoiding me but then I do know that she herself is very tired. With the current state I myself is in now with my dad, work and my own health, I just thought I may not have the energy to think about relationships. Anyway, although I appreciate her personality, we just have very little to talk about on the phone. The past few weeks, we also made arrangements to meet but then things just don't seem to work out in the end. I have decided to just be friends for now and just go naturally and if she is indeed "the one" then let's see how things develop from there.
I thank God for quite a number of things this week. Firstly, I thank God for blessing me at work. My list of to-do has gotten so long that I feared going to work but somehow this week, things seems to be struck off the list one by one so much so it is more manageable now. Secondly, I thank God for the recovery of my leg and for the rest I got from my one day's MC. Went to see a doctor on Tuesday evening because the pain was getting quite excruciating and my sister and a few other colleagues did suggest that I better seek medical attention soon since it has been this way for weeks. Maybe because I was worried of what I am going to hear; some bad news, that's why I am pushing back seeing a doctor. Well, but on the other hand, I also did not have the time to see a doctor, given that I will either be rushing work, off to the hospital to see my dad or just lying down at home getting some rest. I have come to a stage where I am so badly exhausted I just needed to lie down and rest as much as I could.
Anyway, thank God that the diagnosis seems to be inflammation of my tendons. Doctor did mention that it might be due to overstraining myself from sports or just that I am getting far too heavy (I think the latter is true :D). Anyway, thank God that my leg is recovering, though slowly, and it does not hurt as much now though I still walk with a limp. I also thank God for the wonderful rest I got on Wednesday because I was really getting very exhausted and the rest seems to come right on time. But I must admit that I always find myself in contradictory situations whenever I am on leave or MC. I would be at home all by myself, I would be so tired that I want to rest and sleep but yet after a while, I would feel so restless that it becomes quite a chore sleeping and I want to do something e.g. go out for a walk but yet, I feel so tired. It is like my body is telling me to rest yet to do something to fight the boredom. Anyway, thank God for a friend who was coming to my area to run some errands and we caught up for lunch and later in the evening, a movie; Bee Movie.
I really can't remember when was the last time I caught a movie but then I totally enjoyed the movie and it was really a great destressor being with friends catching a movie. It's just a simple movie with a simple storyline but then what really impressed me a lot if how the morale behind the story is about how you should never underestimate how small you are because you do play a part (kind of a good reminder for a struggle I was to have later in the week which I will blog about later). Really, I didn't know that bees play such an important role and it is amazing how such a little creation of God can have such a great impact on nature and how certain things are the way they are for a reason. (Picture obtained from here)Thirdly, I thank God for being able to serve at a luncheon thrown by a benefactor family annually. This year, I served as the "sound guy" yet again; three years in a row but I really enjoyed myself seeing how the volunteers put up a performance for close to 400 elderly. There was singing, dances, chinese orchestra etc, it was just wonderful. What was even more wonderful is seeing how everyone come together for the sake of the elderly. I once again realise how I love my job, even though it is indirect and behind the scenes work, but at the end of the day, it is seeing that the beneficiaries are blessed and have a good time that is the most satisfying.
Fourthly, I also thank God for a pastor in my workplace coming to me on Thursday asking how I was. He told me that he just felt that he needed to ask me and so I shared with him a little about my dad and also my leg. It's nothing much really but then the fact that he asked really goes a long way to making me appreciate the people God placed around me.
My Dad
Now the week has it's fair share of goods and bads. My dad's has been in hospital for close to 2 weeks now and the doctor seems to not know what the problem is.
First it was lymphoma, then the diagnosis came suspecting TB/lymphoma, then a few days ago, then a few days ago, they asked my dad if they can do a HIV test on him (and my dad said OK without knowing what is HIV). And today, they say that it might be a rare blood condition which might lead to lymphoma. While I do not blame the doctors because I know they are doing their best to try to find out what is wrong but all these are just making me very tired emotionally; dealing with worry, fear, anger, guilt. I really don't know. Someone mentioned that when we step up spiritually, there will also be spiritual attacks because it seemed to have happen many times to quite a number of missionaries I know. Of course, I hope this is not the case for me but then I still do trust God's sovereignty over all these. (Picture "Chest Xray" by adamci)My Cell Leadership
Then, later in the week, I am beginning to feel like giving up cell once again. I have mentioned that there is this couple who is currently in my cell but they have stopped coming to cell quite a bit and is visiting other cells. Somehow, deep inside me I know that they are not taking to my style and hence am searching around for another cell. What pains me of course is not really so much of feeling rejected as a leader but the frankly this week, I am asking myself if I am indeed leading my members to grow spiritually or would another person do a better job? I wasn't sure I was helping my members to grow and yet when people walk away, I do not have the courage to talk to them about it. My cell is still small and not as closely-knitted as other cells and I blame myself for it. I always think that given another cell leader, he/she might have done a better job. Then of course, being a human, no one feels good about being rejected as a person. As a leader, I have come to realise how much work a leader does behind the scenes but sometimes this is unknown and much unappreciated. It is not so much that I clamor for people to know how much I am doing but then it just do not feel good feeling rejected. It is the couple's birthday this 2 weeks and as I limped my way to the bookstore to buy their gifts, I just hear a little voice in my mind asking me "Is this worth it? They do not appreciate you at all". Yes, it may be that the devil is placing a lot of doubt in me and myself about this path I myself have chosen to take but the rejection is just hard to accept. I told my sister briefly about my struggle to want to let go of cell and she kind off told me off in a "you are at it again" way and affirmed me about how she and maybe another one or two are growing spiritually. I don't know God, I do not know your plans for this cell and whether this cell is going to stay this way or what?
But anyway, I still thank God for His faithfulness yesterday that despite it was only 3 regulars, 3 visitors (including my area overseer who is here to visit), things went on quite well as we discussed how the Old Testament Challenge has impacted us. It was mostly me sharing but it seems it did spark off a little bit of discussion on reading the bible, even with the visitors. I pray that my sharing has ministered. I also thank God for sending my AO here yesterday because his presence did make a difference and he did help to make the other visitors comfortable. In fact, the 6 of us had fellowship till midnight.
"The One"
Oh by the way, I have made a decision on Tuesday morning to just give up on going after "the one" even though I have not started. I can't be sure if she is avoiding me but then I do know that she herself is very tired. With the current state I myself is in now with my dad, work and my own health, I just thought I may not have the energy to think about relationships. Anyway, although I appreciate her personality, we just have very little to talk about on the phone. The past few weeks, we also made arrangements to meet but then things just don't seem to work out in the end. I have decided to just be friends for now and just go naturally and if she is indeed "the one" then let's see how things develop from there.
posted by me at 12:58 PM
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