Mixed Platter of Emotions

Listen to this article

"veggie platter" by master9862

This week had been filled much much mixed emotions and frankly it is really starting to get to me. On the whole, I was rather upset the whole week. In fact, several times, I struggled to go to work in the morning and I even took last minute leave on Friday morning because it was just all too exhausting. My boss even commented on Thursday evening that the smile that she usually see on my face is gone.

Where's Your Smile?
True enough, the smile is gone and I do find it a challenge to keep a smile and an upbeat spirit during this period. I am worried for my dad, worried about the future of my family and the finances should he be diagnosed with cancer, I am still worried for cell and work has not been getting easier, with a large-scale project coming up and my phone keep ringing off the hook and emails coming in. I do not know if I mentioned this but then I kind of lost track of "to-do" list at work because there is just so many things to do I am just not keeping up. On Thursday afternoon, only when a volunteer called me and asked why I have not responded to her email that I realised that I have KIV-ed her email for more than 2 weeks now without any follow-up. I was kind of disappointed with myself for forgetting to follow-up with her but then I do also recognise that I do have quite some stuff on my platter at the moment. With all that is going on with my dad and work, I just find it difficult to smile anymore. Deep in my heart, I do recognise Gods sovereignty over the situation and I do trust him but somehow I just can't help but worry. I do hope to be able to smile again also because it is such a chore being "depressed"; it literally zaps the energy off me. In fact, several times during the week, by evening, I felt that I was on the verge of falling sick.

Guilt of a Cell Leader
Then, there is the usual worry about cell and I kind of feel bad "abandoning" my cell to the "girl who I was taking a liking for" while I attend a friend's wedding dinner. It seems that this is indeed a bad week for everyone because I come to know that she is having exams and so are 3 other members. Yet, I have no one to turn to to take over cell because these are the regular people. I was tempted to cancel cell since it is a hectic week for everyone and I just did not want to add on stress to the "girl who I was starting to taking a liking for". But yet, deep inside me, I wasn't really comfortable because there is this lady who is starting to come to cell again and I frankly did not want to cancel cell while she is making the effort to come back. Then, on Friday, the "girl who I was taking a liking for" called me in the afternoon and she sounded not well. That really worried me because she was feeling giddy and nauseous. Then, I come to learn that 2 other members were not well, one just finished a presentation in school and did not have enough sleep and so I made the decision to cancel cell. The "girl" called me later and was quite surprised I cancelled cell and told me that she is rather sad cell was cancelled. At this point, I did feel bad for doing what I did; having upsetted her and also having cancelled cell as a cell leader. I do not know but then the decision somehow did not settle well with me.

Just Friends?
What about things between me and the "girl"? Well, I don't know and I also do not have the courage to take the next step. Somehow, there is the fear that if things do not turn out well, it will be awkward seeing her in cell. Anyway, I am not very sure if she is also interested in me. Yes, I am interested in her and her personality and helpful nature attracted me, but then besides that, we have very little to say to one another. Recently, I have asked her out but the several times things just did not materialise. Then, I messaged her and there is sometimes no reply or the reply would be very short. Maybe she sensed something and is avoiding me? I do not know. But it seems that she is having some struggles of her own too recently, which might explain her not messaging back or messaging back with short replies. Saw her just now again in church and talked a little bit. In fact, I am taking a step back now (as if I have made any advances so far) and just let nature takes its course. If this is meant to be it is meant to be. In fact, I am now typing this at Macs near church and waiting for her. If things do not work out then we can still be friends.

Feeling a Failure Again, God Help Me!
Dear Lord, it is happening again and I am asking for you to help me with this negative thought again. It seems like I am starting to doubt myself as a cell leader again and am starting to feel so much like a failure. I was in church for an introduction to some youth about coming over to join the cell in our zone; the early career cells. However, as people were sharing about their cell and people were sharing their testimonies about how cell life had been an integral part, about how the cell group has been such a wonderful support group to them, about how they go for karaoke, outings etc, the more I heard the more I just felt I am so much of a failure as a leader. Yes, I acknowledge how God had been leading me in cell leadership but then sometimes I just can't help feel so much a failure that my cell is not like that at all. My cell is far from close and frankly, I do not know how to bring my people together. Do my people find cell an integral part of their lives? Do they find support here in the cell? Do we do life together? I would say the answer, at this point in time, is "no".

I am once again starting to feel like a failure and when it came to my turn to introduce my cell to the others, I just introduce the composition etc. Deep inside me I do not know what to say and frankly do not wish these people to visit my cell because I do not want to fail them, because my cell is not any of these at this point in time. Dear Lord, I know you are in control and just as Jesus had, in the Garden of Gathesamane, asked for the cup to be taken from him, in the same manner, I am sometimes asking God to take this away from me and give it to someone who can lead His people. I am no good at it and it sometimes can be painful going through it all. Which is why recently I had been praying for not only wisdom, discernment and courage to lead cell but also for joy in serving Him. Then later, when the church choir came up to have their fellowship (and "the girl" was with them), I saw how much fun they were having and just ask when will my cell be like that?

Worrying about Health
I had been feeling like I am on the verge of falling sick over the last few days, and so, I decided to take last minute leave on Friday to just rest. But then, I did not really enjoy the rest at all. I was facing a lot of paradoxes that on one hand I am very exhausted and wanted to sleep but on the other hand, I sometimes find myself waking up and feeling kind of bored being at home resting and not having anything else to do. But yet, when I psyched myself to maybe go out and do something, I feel tired again and just want to sleep. In fact, although I publicly proclaim that I am going to change my lifestyle to live healthily and exercise, I have done nothing much over the last few days because I was just so tired. I am starting to feel very fat. My legs is killing me because my right leg has this nagging ache, as if I had stand for too long. This has lasted for 3 weeks now and it also zaps energy from me. I find myself not being able to stand up for long on the train because my legs will soon be giving me aches again. I am starting to get worried about my leg and may soon seek medical advice on it. I do hope it is nothing serious.

Emotional Ups and Down with my Dad
On my dad, there had also been a lot of emotional ups and downs in the past week. Firstly, he told me on Tuesday he had been diagnosed with Lymphoma which got me all down the whole day and then in the evening, when I go to see him, he told me that the doctor is not sure and suspect TB or Lymphoma. Apparently, they will be transferring him to the isolation wards at another block just in case it is TB. Then, I was beginning to feel so much paradox in my feelings. On one hand, I am hoping that it is TB and not Lymphoma but then yet, I am afraid that he does have TB, then I am concerned whether me and/or anyone else in my family has been infected. I am concerned that if I am infected, whether would I have also unknowingly infected my friends and colleague? Should I quarantine myself?

I had to also deal with perceived stigma when I tell others that my dad might have TB. Sometimes, when I visit my dad at the ward, I am also afraid I will make him feel bad because he is already isolated and I do not know how well he is taking it. Then, I had to also deal with the guilt that as a son, I had sometimes chose to go home to rest rather than go visit him. There were a few times I am just so tired and felt sick I told him I was going home. He would always reply that it is OK and that I should not come and assured me he is OK. Then, there was a morning he messaged me to ask me if I am feeling better? Frankly, I was touched by that little gesture of his and it is so ironic that he, the patient, am messaging me to ask me how I was when I sometimes, in the thick of work, don't even message him. Then, this morning, he called to tell me how angry he was with the doctor because it has been almost a week and the doctor is still not sure about the diagnosis. Rather than listening to him, I kind of "told him off" after a while that he should not make things difficult for people beause there are protocols to follow etc. Maybe I had been insensitive, maybe I had been tired. But the fact is that I feel guilty for having done that to him. Well things are OK because I later went to visit him with my sister.

Dealing with Life and Death
Then, this week, while dealing with my father's medical condition, it is also ironic that I faced death and life in just a span of two days. On Tuesday, my department was going to another colleague's funeral wake. They were sensitive enough to ask me if I wanted to join because I think maybe they do not want me to feel uncomfortable. But I chose to go in the end. However, I do think I was just a bit affected by the funeral. Then the next day, an ex-colleague came to visit us with her new-born baby girl and this baby girl is just so cute!!! As I watched the little baby, I marvelled at the gift of life and at how cute the baby was.

Thanksgiving
However, despite all that went on, I still give thanks...

• I give thanks for wonderful friends and colleagues around me who expressed concern (even through MSN) and who prayed for me
• I give thanks for cell arrangements this week because I wasn't sure if I had carried on to lead cell this week, whether I will be in the right state to lead. Somehow, I have always realised how God is in control and so far, on weeks where I will go through an emotional struggle, I don't have to lead cell that week
• I give thanks for a friend who treated me to curry rice and despite it being just a plate of cheap curry rice at a food centre, I really appreciate the friendship and concern this friend showed me, knowing I was stressed at work
• I give thanks for being successful in "programming" a reminder feature in an Access database at work, which I developed to keep track of my volunteer resources management books and files. I had always wondered if it is possible to have the database prompt me, when I start up the database, that some materials are loaned out. So, I went to research on the internet and found a piece of code. I did not know where to insert the code but it was amazing how things just worked at the first try.
• I give thanks that a new visitor to cell seems to be settling into cell and this week, he was facing some struggles and decided to ask me out for advice. I give thanks that he trust me enough to ask me out and although I did not feel the session went well (because I totally did not know what to say most of the time and in the end, I just ended up praying for him), I just thank God that the cell did not go wrong. At the end of the session, he shared with me how the session had helped him and frankly, I do not see how it has because most of the time I was stuck for words and there were even silence.
• I give thanks that a former cell member seems to be settling well in another church and growing spiritually. Plucked up the courage to ask him out and caught up with him. I thank God for being with me at the session and that I had the confidence to talk to him (unlike in the past). I thank God he seems well and am growing well spiritually and personally.