I Need a Great Big Mattress

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It is funny how things change very quickly... one moment I will be starting off the morning all chirpy, the next moment I will be down; one moment I will be all giving praise to the Lord and the other moment I will find it difficult to extol the Lord.

Today is just a horrible horrible day! I had started the day off on relatively a good note because my leg was getting better and work is becoming manageable. But received a call from my dad who told me that the doctor would like to speak to me about his condition. On Sunday, my sister went to visit my dad and told me that he might have castleman's disease which is a very rare medical condition. I went to do some research on it and there are two types of the disease, one which is harmless while the other might bring about complications such as lymphoma etc. Now the doctor wants to speak to me and I just can't help but imagine the worst. I just had no more mood to work anymore. But nonetheless, I still thank God for an understanding boss who allows me to excuse myself from the department meeting and lunch tomorrow to go to the hospital.

Then, later in the afternoon, a friend messaged me to ask me if I will be on MSN because she needed to ask me something about a volunteer. Since she is on my personal MSN account, I switched to my personal MSN account and left it online after talking to her. Soon after, a cell member messaged me and asked me if I have thought about recombining our cell back with our old cell. I had quite a heart-to-heart talk with him and although he kept assuring me that I should not feel bad about the state of cell now; that spiritual growth is a personal responsibility and that the cell is partly in this state due to personality imbalance, I just can't help but feel such a failure. Yes, I recognise how there are also other factors contributing to the state of our cell but then leadership is also one of them. Given a better leader, maybe my cell wouldn't be like that, given a better leadership, my people would have had their needs met by the cell and would be growing spiritually.

We spoke on and he also mentioned that he had also ask himself whether the cell is for him, clarifying not because of bad leadership but more of whether he needs to move to a cell which would challenge him more and help him to grow. Although he kept assuring me that should he leave, it is not about me and more about spiritual growth, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe the cell needs to make way for a better leader, maybe this cell needs to be disbanded... I don't know and I won't want to know. I am tired, very tired struggling and at this point in time, I just want out! I do not understand why God had put me in this position to only allow this to happen. Coupled with all the things that are happening in my life now, I just don't want to think anymore. Just when I was making my way back home zombified from all the things that had happened today, a big lorry just pulled up in front of me with a big mattress and I remember thinking to myself "How wonderful it is if I can just lie down and rest and not think about anything?". In fact, I felt so tired that I started to draft an email to my members about the state of things and want to hear from them about where they want this cell to go; I wanted to just pour out my heart and if they want a closure, I will respect that. But then, I soon after chucked the draft aside in the draft folder and decided not to talk about this issue until at least after this Saturday's outreach event. It has come to the end of the year and it may just be the right time for me to reconsider my ministry as CG leader, just before I sign the leadership covenant in Jan next year.

I was so emotionally drained by the end of the day, that I decided not to attend a friend's wedding dinner; not in the right state to anyway, nor visit my dad. I just needed some time to myself and some time away... I asked God a lot of "why me" questions the whole of the day and at this point in time, I just find it difficult to extol the Lord.