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I did it, I sent my request to step down from cell leadership and I do not know how all this is going to turn out. Maybe I don't wish to care anymore. Anyway, have cell fellowship tonight and once again I don't have any good feelings about it, seems like, at this point in time, it is just me and another visitor. Well, why bother since I am stepping down?

Dear AO,

Forgive me for communicating through email as sometime I find that I am able to express myself better through writing. I would like to just let you know that I am requesting to step down from cell leadership. I thank you for your guidance and for listening to me bare my heart the last time I wanted to step down and frankly I did want to continue that time. But things have gotten to a stage I find that it might be necessary for me to just step down.

It has been a challenging few months ever since I took on cell leadership, with many ups and downs. I have to admit that yes, I have come to grow a lot spiritually over the last few months and have learnt many valuable lessons and also to rely on God. However, the last few months have also been months of pain and sometimes even crying that I find myself so emotionally and mentally affected by everything. The last few weeks also has not been particularly easy with my dad in hospital, my leg inflammation, heavy work schedules and subsequently some recent developments in cell, which has also caused me sleepless nights. I have thought through it all and just thought that I no longer have the energy to continue on. I have been affected by cell ministry so much so I am not sleeping well and no longer have motivation to work.

I have come to this decision because I am tired and I just feel that my members deserve a better leader. In a nutshell, it is just these two reasons and nothing else. I have struggled over the last few months and instead of growing, my cell is shrinking, sometimes to only 3. And I don't think that my members are growing spiritually and generally I am just tired: tired of trying, tired of worrying week after week about cell, tried of thinking about where cell is going, tiring of worrying for people's spiritual growth, tired of week after week worrying who is going to do what. Since the year is ending and the leadership conference is coming up where we sign our leadership covenant, I just thought of making known my decision to step down before that.

I am tired emotionally and mentally and I cannot foresee myself going on any further. I feel accountable for my members' growth and feel like a failure that people are not coming to cell, for not having the courage to confront them and for not being able to turn all these around. Socially, I struggle to interact with my members because I am pretty much an introvert. This makes ministering to people as a leader difficult. Yes, people can say that it is the members' personal responsibility to grow spiritually but then as a leader, it just does not go down well knowing that your members may not be growing or even drifting away. And every time I think about my cell and see how other cells are so tightly knitted relative to my cell, I just feel like crying. I have had enough of arranging for fellowship and having no one come, sending email and having no response and having to worry about who can help with worship etc in cell every week. The members do not seem to be interested at all, and attendance has been bad. Now, I know some are looking around and visiting other cells so why prolong this?

The decision to step down is relatively an easier one more than the worry about the aftermath of it. Frankly, I hesitated with it because questions such as: How am I going to answer to those cell members who have been all these while supporting me? How do I break the news? What is going to happen to cell because of my decision? Will there be someone stepping up? Will the cell be disbanded? Will there be a new leader coming to take over the cell? How will things be between me and my members after I step down, will there be awkwardness? How will my spiritual growth be like after I step down? Even though I know I am willfully making this decision, I still have to. I have come to a stage that I just want to rest. I am not sure where all these are going to lead me but I just need to make a decision for my own emotional and mental health...

Hope you understand.


codfishy