Readjusting Back to Singapore Life
This is so far day four after I came back to
I must say that although the mission trip hasn't been easy, I really found the time meaningful and I learnt a lot of things from the trip. I have also experienced God at work on most days of the trip. Well, I have written pages and pages of my travel journal, but have yet the time to transfer them and the photos to the blog. But I will be doing just that perhaps over the weekends, when I have time... just wanna share with you how it was like during the whole trip.
Welcome Back!
I must say the first day back at work was real good. On Tuesday, when I arrived in office, I noticed that my office room's lights and the aircon was also switched on. This really puzzled me and I was thinking, "who would be in my room"? As I opened my door, there I saw, Jerrie (my big brown bear) sitting on my chair, amidst my other little knick knacks, with a sign on it's tummy saying... "codfishy, welcome back! sob... sob... so lonely"
I was really so touched that my colleagues did something like that. Somehow, it really feel good to know that I am remembered. This was indeed a sharp contrast to how I was feeling before this. During the trip, there were several times I felt emotionally drained and just this morning, I was struggling out of bed because I did not want to face the tonnes of emails and work waiting for me in the office. Frankly, I felt sick and wanted to just stay in bed.
But I thank God for the "welcome committee" which really touched me and made my day. I also thank God for manageable workload, despite hundreds and hundreds of email, I managed to finish clearing about 85% of the emails by the end of the day and it wasn't as stressful as I thought. Yes, there is still a multitude of tasks to be done but then somehow my brain took it easily. Then, I was given a copy of a magazine and realised that an article I submitted to the magazine before the trip was published.
Care to Come Back?
Then, at night, I received a call from the president of my former organisation where I worked in. He told me that he heard in the grapevine that I am considering to go back to the organisation. Now, this really puzzled me because how did anyone actually get the idea that I am considering to go back?
Well, yes, after coming back from the trip, I am seriously thinking about "where next" in my career but how did this rumour started? Indeed, I feel honoured how they appreciate my work ethics and are so keen to bring me back but isn't it a little too late? I had left the previous organisation on a very bad note and was utterly disappointed with the organisation for not valuing its staff. Yes, I was annoyed with the management style of the acting boss then but then the real issue is still that of deep disappointment with the management for not appreciating their staff. Anyway, I did thank the president for believing in my work ethics to even ask me if I would consider applying for the vacant position once again. I did promise him to think about it over the week.
Thanksgiving for Day One @ Work
I think despite everything, I thank God for all the wonderful things that has happened to me on day one back at work: the "welcome committee which touched me, my article being published, the easy time clearing the work that has piled up and my work ethics being affirmed.
Living in Someone's Shadows
Day two back at work ain't pleasant at all. Early in the morning, a little episode made me rather upset. Think I always have issues with people who have a more domineering character (because I have a more passive character). Somehow our characters really clash. Take this morning for example, I received a sms from my cell leader asking if I would like her to send out the cell update email (since it is already Wednesday and I have not sent it) and that she will do the facilitation and the bible study. I responded to let her know that I will be sending the email later in the day and told her that I intend to ask another member to do the intro.
Immediately, received a phonecall from her. She told me that she has her reasons that she want the two of us to handle the facilitation, intro and bible study because the others have been standing in for us in our absence when we went for the mission trip. Well, made sense. But sometimes, I just feel that I am not able to take the way she tells me things. Maybe it is her character to be straightforward. Although she tried to put it across in a rather nice way, I just can't help but feel horrible after the call. At the end of the call, she reminded me that she is still the cell leader so she has the final say and asked if I am ready to take over cell leadership.
I think I seem to be living in her shadows... has been like that in the past when I was her supervisee and now it seems to be so when I am her cell leader in training. On several occasions, I have felt the same way during the mission trip as well but most time I just brushed it off. I did think of talking to her about it (rather than just blogging about it here) but then somehow do not know how to go about it. Anyway, my day was somewhat ruined since the morning.
Just as I hanged up the phone, my colleague from another centre messaged me a weird message that just said "1 cor 15:58". I wonder what the verse is and checked my bible...
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
What? Is the verse asking me to stand firm? But the part that say "your labor in the Lord is not in vain" did somewhat bring some comfort. It brings some hope that all this I am doing is hopefully not in vain.
Opening Doors Takes a New Form
Just as I was feeling down, something happened in office that amused me. A fellow colleague has received a letter from another organisation requesting for volunteer. She had wanted to show me the volunteer application form, knowing that I might be keen to learn from other organisations how they do up their form. But when I took the form and had a look, I realised that the form looked familiar. Upon closer examination, I realised that the form was indeed our organisation's form with minor amendments made to change the name of the organisation on the form. How do I know it is our volunteers' application form? Simple, they forgot to change one part and my organisation's name is still on it. Somehow, I find it quite amazing that this big organisation "copied" our form. Hehehe, kind of feel honoured la. :)
Anyway, I had got in touch with this organisation last year to explore the possibility of working together but have yet to hear from them. I thank God for this form which gave me the chance to call them to touch base and just as we were talking, I realised that I could also rope them in for a new project I was recruiting volunteers for. Surprisingly, they expressed interest and even mentioned they may even wish to provide sponsorship. Praise the Lord. What has started as a amusing case of copying our form, became an open door for sponsorship for our project.
Career Crossroads
At night, I again received a call from another friend (who happens to be a committee member in my former organisation). She has called me to find out more about the rumour that I was considering to return to work in that organisation. Actually, now that we are talking about it, I am frankly asking "where next" in God's work? I haven't really listed down my options but then of course there is the option of staying in my current portfolio, there is also the option of staying in the organisation but changing my portfolio, and then there is the option of going back to my former organisation and finally, being a missionary. The last option came about after the mission trip and how I have saw God worked and have been inspired by it. But then, I know that I am partly chosing missions because I also want to escape from
Again, on this same night, received a colleagues' message, asking if I am keen to practice social work again in my organisation. Tempting but I don't know. Somehow, I sometimes do wonder about it but then am sure I will not be able to cope with all the emotional stress. It almost seems that I am quite comfortable in indirect social work now. But sometimes, people just come into my life to make me wonder if I ever will go back direct work. Take for instance, this afternoon. An old gentlemen walked into my office to enquire on volunteer opportunities. What started as an enquiry turned into somewhat a counselling session as he started to pour out to me why he wanted to volunteer to avoid being at home to be mentally abused by his brother and sister-in-law. As time goes by, I have also come to learn of his other struggles and also his suicide intent. As he left, he did shared that he didn't know why he can share so much but somehow found me genuine enough to share. I guess it is sometimes when people pass such remarks that make me wonder if I will ever be back in counselling? But then again, things don't seem to be easy for everyone. For some people, I just find it difficult. Maybe just something to ponder about.
Madly in Love
I have heard about being madly in love but then I have never come across people who are madly in love, not until tonight. Months ago, I mentioned about this friend who was attracted to this taiwanese girl who seems to be manipulating him. For months, friends around him has been concerned about him and have been trying to get him to forget about her. At one point in time, he did say he will try to forget about her but then that does not seem to be the case. Recently, heard from a friend that he is going around to borrow money, apparently to finance this lady.
Yesterday, he came online to me in MSN (usually he would be offline to me) and asked if I could loan him $1000? That paved the way for me to find out about how he was. But I must say that by the end of the conversation, I had really wanted to pull all my hair out... Apparently, he know that the lady may be taking advantage of him, he knows that the lady may not love him, he knows that his friends are all concerned about him and he feels that he has disappointed them. But still, his answer to my questions is this "I live only for her and will always wait for her". Even when I asked him if there is a way out for him, will he pursue it. But his answer is "no". Now I know what is called "madly in love".
I think there is really nothing I can do for him now except pray and hope he will turn back. I did reaffirmed that his friends will always be there, just in case he feels he has nothing left and have suicide intent again.
Feeling Like Moses
I was just doing my reading for Old Testament Challenge yesterday and as I was reading about how God brought the Israelites out of the clutches of Egypt to the promised land and how despite the many miracles they have seen, they continue to grumble and doubt the Lord, testing his patience... At a point in time, Moses felt tired and exclaimed to the Lord in Numbers 11:11-15
"He asked the Lord, "Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers?... I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now - if I have found favour in your eyes-and do not let me face my own ruin"
As I read how God Moses and the struggles Moses had... I can't help but identify with him; Moses keep feeling he is inadequate when asked to lead God's people out of Egypt (and so am I always not confident with myself) and now Moses got tired and laments to the Lord on his struggles... In the same way, although I may not compare myself to Moses but I sure do feel the same way sometimes when leading cell... I sometimes just feel so burdened and asked God why do I have to carry this burden (if fact I still wonder if I am to carry this burden or have I heard God's calling properly).
Jesus Sees and Trust in Him
Today, my colleague was leading devotion. His devotion really spoke to me especially as we sang the three songs: "Give Thanks", "Jesus Sees" and "With Him". His message seem to come at the right time as I am feeling very tired with leading cell (even before I officially start), reminding me to Jesus knows and that with him all is possible... This seems to tie in with the message my friend sent on Tuesday from 1 Cor 15:58:
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
Jesus Sees
When you do it to the least of these Jesus sees Jesus sees
When you help your mother with your little baby brother
When you share your favorite toy When you give your pennies
To those who don't have any Jesus sees Jesus sees
When you help a widow or an orphan who is little
Then you heart will be filled with joy when you share your bread
And the hungry ones are fed Jesus sees Jesus sees
And no one else is looking and no one seems to care
He is there with you and me Jesus sees
With Him
Chorus:
With Him and in Him and through Him, I can do all things, I can do all things
With Him and in Him and through Him, I can do all things, through Jesus my Lord
With Jesus in me, I'm free indeed, so I will not be afraid.
With troubles and fears start coming in, I raise my voice and say
Chorus
As I sat there and sang the songs, I am not only reminded that Jesus sees and in Him all things are possible. Just like how Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27 and Luke 18:27 suggests that "What is impossible with men is possible with God". But I have also come to realise how much I have been blessed and how much I have grown spiritually in this organisation. If I were to leave this organisation, I may not be able to enjoy the proximity and experience God... I have thus come to a conclusion that I will stay in this organisation. Later the day, as my department gathered to practice a farewell rap we have composed for our Number 2, who is returning to
Reminiscing Old Times
posted by me at 11:59 PM
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