Wrestling with God
Jacob Wrestles With God (Genesis 32:22-31, NIV)"I Will Give 'Chapter 2' a Try"
22. That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27. The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28. Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29. Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.
It hasn't been an easy week and I had been wrestling with my decision to conclude my relationship with KM. And that wrestle just got worst and worst because I was starting to wonder if indeed I was going against God's will (after all, He blessed us and brought us together) but on the other hand, it was just getting painful. Then after a talking to by my AO, although I was rather defensive as to what he said, it did make me think about what he mentioned. This, after a friend's earlier question "do you still love her?". By the end of yesterday, I had decided to give "Chapter 2" a try.
GOD: "Your Ways Are Not My Way"
But today, I was beginning to think "it's not worth it, so just give up since it seems nice going back to my old lifestyle". I was very bent on hanging on to the decision. Nonetheless, I spoke to God and ask Him to show me His will but then by mid day, there was still no clear indication through reading His word. My sister had been nagging at me to "reconsider reconsider". So, this morning, while on the way from my photoshoot in college, I sent a sms telling her that I am not going to try "Chapter 2" because it is just painful... She responded that she is just going to let "Big Boss" (God) deal with me. She later sent me encouraging me from today's Daily Bread reading: "From today's daily bread... what we think is best is not necessarily the best that God desires for us. Isaiah 55:8 "my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways". I also sent a sms to my AO telling him my new decision that I am going to stick to my decision of concluding the relationship. But nonetheless, he replied to say that he will wait for my "change of mind" sms... Deep inside me, I was thinking "what you mean 'change of mind sms' because my mind is made up".
GOD: "My Promise or Your Old Life?"
I went for my college photoshoot and then went to another AO's baby first month birthday celebration. I began to find it interesting why everytime I go through a major relationship decision, God always put me in situations such as a friend's wedding just hours before deciding to get into relationship with KM and now, seeing the little baby has just made me wonder if I will ever start a family. I dismissed the thought. As I was walking to church for the course, my slipdisc pain came back all over again. It has been weeks since I last felt the pain and limped. For a few weeks now, I was walking well and could hardly feel the pain. But it came back and I was limping. During this time, the thought came to mind, as if God saying "if you so stubbornly desire the old life, then I shall grant you that". I limped to church.
GOD: "I am a Sovereign God"
Then, began a series of events which helped remind me of God's sovereignty and how He is always in control. Over a simple event, I began to experience once again something known as "God's timing". I was to attend the last session of the Christian Education course in church today and frankly, I had intended not to go since I was in a bad shape and I knew most probably KM may or may not be there. Both me and KM had initially signed up to attend this course to encourage a new member and his wife in their walk but now, I had wanted to not attend it. But, deep inside me, I told myself that "I am still going to hounour God and fulfill my role as God's leader to encourage despite what I am going through". I stepped into class and saw our senior pastor (SP) sitting with my member, talking to him. Very soon, I come to realise how, over that short span of time, my friend's problem of missing the dateline for submission of his application for baptism was instantaneously solved. One week before, my member suddenly learnt that he forgot to submit his application for baptism and as such, will miss this round of baptism. But now, our SP was sitting and talking to him and soon enough, he instructed the church staff to look into the matter and the problem was solved. He is going for baptism next week! Yeah!!! SP mentioned how amazing it is; God's timing. But what was more amazing was how I later learnt how that short conversation also got another person sitting at our table thinking about baptism. It seemed that she had been coming to church for at least ten years but have yet to take the step of faith to baptize. And recently, it was amazing how one week, there were only two of us sitting at the table and how God interestingly used me to minister to her through a sharing; sharing with her my testimony of I have come to experience God first-hand in my life. I later learnt she was going through a spiritual desert. Now, God, over that short span of time, not only helped my friend to solve his baptism problem, encouraged her but also reminded me of God's sovereignty. Talking about God's timing. It seemed to remind me once again, as if I have forgotten, how God is real.
GOD: "Hear Me, for I Will Continue to Speak"
Then later, God continued to speak to me through the seminar. Despite the seminar being about "the church", I soon became surprised how it seemed like the pastors were ministering to me; even though the topic was on "the church", several times during the teaching, it started to talk about how sometimes we rely on our own strength and refuse to rely on God's strength etc. Then later, something small also impacted me a little. I was picking a sweet to eat and I picked the only orange sweet from the pile of sweets and when I opened it, it was in the shape of a heart. I thought to myself "wow, interesting God, are you telling me anything or am I just being too sensitive?"
GOD: "I Will Bless You Through Your Flock"
Later during break, my friend (the one who just got his baptism problem solved) asked me out to talk to me, brother-to-brother. It was amazing how I have always thought that I, being the cell leader and spiritually relatively more mature, was to bless others. But here, God is using a younger believer to bless me. He talked to me and shared with me how KM still love me and many other things. He heard me out and tried to encourage me. Much later, both him and his wife tried to create the opportunity for me and KM to patch up by asking both of us out for dinner. At this point, I learnt a valuable leadership lesson how it is interesting and sometime even ironical that God can even bless a leader through the very people he/she leads. And by this time, I was thinking to myself, "OK God, you win. Everything you have shown me, from morning till now, I hear you. I am just going to trust you and take a step of faith, initiating a patchup. I do not know how it is going to turn out and I have my fears and concerns, but God I will trust in You because You have spoken".
GOD: "I Will Continue to Pave the Way for Reconciliation"
I messaged KM and asked if she was keen for dinner with me and my member and his wife and a while later, she responded "yes". Throughout the evening, it was difficult and my member tried to create opportunity for us and kept encouraging me. He kept edging me on to hold her hand while crossing the road, accompanying her to toilet, finding a table with her but unfortunately, I was so immobilised with fear I did not really move much. Earlier, we went to visit a condo showflat and he teased us that we can start thinking about our house, both me and KM were quiet. Later on in the car, he even asked when we will join him and his wife for the church's marriage preparation course and both me and KM became silent and did not know how to respond. I appreciate this brother's effort to help us but I was just fearful not knowing what to say. Eventually, both me and KM settled down in Xin Wang Cafe in Whitesands (where we often go for our dates so much so the staff recognises us) alone. Over one hour, I shared my heart and thank God that I found the courage to share what I shared. To cut a long story short, we both agree to give each other a try because we were very clear how God had brought us together and how we had both been able to minister for God in miraculous ways; seeing to it that those who came into the cell with issues are beginning to overcome it. I walked her home and we both prayed. I know it is going to be a tough journey and pray for God's wisdom, guidance, peace, joy and protection to help us through this journey. And also thank God how I ended up only paying 15 cents for the drink there because we had credit in our Xin Wang card.
GOD: "My people are important to me and I will save as long as you continue to do my will"
This week has really helped me to rekindle my heart for ministry as I continue to see the cell as the "hope of the world". Increasingly, I am seeing the marvelous things that God is doing through this cell and how God has placed both me and KM together to work for His glory. God not only brought us together but has in His timing, brought people into this cell for His purpose. I have sensed from God late last year when I was struggling with ministry, that He wants to use the cell to help restore people and recently even to know that He will not only restore these people but will prepare them for wonderful ministry to bless others. And I have seen it happen over the past few months, how God has brought introverted people into the cell and blessed them. I will always remember the smiling face of my member who came melancholy and who was church and cell hopping for a while. I thank God for working to bring joy back into his life. Nowadays, when I see transformed lives, I could cry out to the Lord to thank Him for the work He had done and how I can play a part in this wonderful work. In the words of my AO, he affirmed me to say that our cell have an interesting mix of people and given to him, it might have collapsed. Frankly, I have never seen things that way before but now that it is mentioned, I recognised, it is by the grace of God, that I am able to take part in ministry in such a way.
I specifically thank God how He continue to use me to minister to others just how recently I was doing my devotion on the train and how God has brought me understanding of the whole 2 Thessalonians and led me to draft a long SMS. I eventually sent the SMS to my cell but felt prompted to send to a few colleagues. That night, a colleague, who I had not seen for a long time but who I had sent the SMS, called and asked why I sent the SMS. I thought I was in trouble but she shared how the verse came at the right time as she was going through some difficulty at work and got comfort from the Lord. Well, amazing how it happens because it happened to me several times, just like the 1 Corinthians 15:58 incident. Amazing, God ministers through SMS too! God has not only called me out to leadership to challenge me to live holy, to break me down so I can experience Him and lead His people, but also to make my heart beat like His; loving His people and hating to see them in pain.
Then yesterday, despite me being in a bad shape from all the relationship struggles recently and how I was to expect a new visitor in cell, I thank God how I managed to pull through it all, that God had guided me in what He wanted me to share with the cell about His grace, how people shared and it was even encouraging to hear, for the first time how people's lives were changed for the better; even the visitor shared. And despite being in a bad shape emotionally, I was able to be functionally extrovert to engage the new visitor. Week after week, I see God's grace on me. And in fact, two past visitors who visited in the past even started to return to the cell. I was starting to sense the strong presence of God dwelling in this cell and church with so much happening.
The Presence of God
And it seems that more and more people are sharing how they are sensing how Riverlife is different and how they sense the strong presence of the Lord working here. Of course, as our Pastor reminded us, there are no perfect church but I thank God for His grace that I was brought to this church where I grew to be who I am now and having the joy of not only having Him in my life, being able to experience Him, being able to have a serious walk with Him, being restored from life's misery and being able to participate in His ministry of transforming lives. I thank God that Riverlife continues to be focused on what it means to be a Christian; to love God and love His people. I thank God for the focused and ministering leaders an I pray God will continue to use the church to bless many others and stay focused on serving the Lord.
- It does not preach only head knowledge but also of heart of walking with God.
- It does not preach for us to be territorial but to work for the body of christ.
- It does not preach that leaders are to be served but to serve.
- It does not preach evangelism as trying to meet target but trying to reach out to people with the heart to help people overcome their problems and reconcile them to God.
- It preaches Christianity not as a religion/ritual but as a relationship with God and with others.
- It preaches reliance on God.
- It preaches how the word of God is not to be treated as just another "self-help book" but rather as a powerful weapon which can impact lives and how we need to live Christ-like lives.
I continue to thank God for all the friends and family that He placed around me to support me and pray for me during my ups and downs.
A Reminder
And I write all these to want to remind myself of His wonderful blessings and to also encourage those who need a touch from the Lord. And my journal continue to testify to His realness and I do hope that you will come to know the real God too.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Glamorous Unglam
Oh lastly, before I end. On a lighter note, just wanna share an exciting thing that happened today at the photoshoot for my college website. I am so thankful that, by the grace of God, He had brought me back to walk with Him 3 years ago and brought me to my current working place. By His grace, I have never done what I am doing now but then He had blessed my hands and helped me to be successful in whatever I do. Anyway, I do feel honoured to be asked to be featured as a alumni on my college's website. Today's photoshoot was real fun and I got to pose in all kinds of inspirational poses. I really wonder how the photos will turn out. But there is just one problem: after the photoshoot and leaving the college premise, I realise, to my horrors, my zip's half undone. Oh no!
posted by me at 11:15 PM
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