Closing the Chapter

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"I am going to close the chapter and since I made the decision, I will have to accept the consequences" ~ This thought keeps ringing in my head.

Despite not having it easy, having decided to conclude my relationship with KM yesterday and really having said it out, I just have to move on. I just believe that we have come to a time, where I am just tired of always making her upset because of my many shortcomings and trying to change, that I have decided to just call it a close.

It hasn't been an easy decision but then I am really tired and I do not think I can go on making KM upset because of my shortcomings. I know she is trying to adapt too but then it just pains me to see her upset again and again and for me, I am just tired of trying to change. So perhaps it may be the best thing to just close the chapter now. I know it may sound selfish and indeed, I haven't been feeling good about the decision.

Firstly, I do not feel peace at all with God about the decision. Secondly, I feel that I may have been selfish making the decision. I can sense the disappointment that KM had when I told her that I just want to give up. Today, when she sent me an sms to say how she was deeply hurt and disappointed when she knew I wanted to give up our relationship but still respect my decision and wish me the best, asking me not to look back and just move forward. I know it is not easy for her and I feel horrible making her feel this way. And we did promise each other to run the race and one day be able to do couple ministry to others but this is not going to be the case anymore. Frankly, I believe she deserves someone better than me. Thirdly, it felt horrible to no longer to be able to share life together again or hold her hand. The reality of it all set in today as we attended the Global Leadership Summit and I noticed that things are just not the same anymore. But her seeming to be concerned about me, how she kept encouraging me; asking me not to give up in ministry and also praying for me has just made me feel worse about myself for making the decision.

Although I can still cry when I think about it, I have to move on. I was talking to a friend who was going to have a wedding and both myself and KM are supposed to help out at the wedding. But when I told her how we had brokened up and KM won't be coming, she asked me a question "Do you still love her?" At that moment, I almost cried because I still do love her. But there is no turning back. It pains my heart especially as I sat in the train today and removed her name from my "special numbers" list and also removed the a video showing forever friends bear arranging the words "I love you" (which would show whenever she calls) from her number. There is pain but I believe I will get over it.

Then at the summit, many people saw us and teased us. I remember one of the delegates pointed to her and asked me if she is my girlfriend. With KM besides me, I muttered to the delegate, "no, she is my friend". And it is painful to say it. Much later, we saw many people in church who teased us but I started battering myself emotionally for not having the confidence to say "oh we are friends". On one hand, I find I needed to help people understand we are not friends and not partner, to be fair to KM, but yet on the other hand struggle with not knowing how to put it across to them in such a way it would not cause awkwardness for all. What made matters worst, the person in charge of the marriage preparation course came over and asked "so when are you both coming to marriage preparation course?" I was dumbfounded and did not know how to react.

It's funny how when one is heart-brokened, the TV shows seems to just rub it in; so happening to show images of people out of love, heart-brokened. Maybe it is just me being too sensitive that even when I see couples on the streets, I would just lapse back into my melancholiness. But then, I should not grumble and complain because I made the decision and so has to live up to it and accept the consequences. Maybe just let this be one last time that I complain and I just want to move on.

I thank God for my sister and friends who are around me and who comforts me. And I also thank God that we have concluded everything in a more or less amicable way and we are still friends, agreeing to continue to support one another in ministry and help impact others' lives. I believe I will get over it soon.