A Complicated Inner World

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Had a talk with my area overseer yesterday and my inner world is now just in a mess. It is not that the talk with my AO was not good at all but then it somehow forces me to come to terms with what I am dealing with and this is really causing my inner world to be as complicated as it can get.

I have to admit that I am not coping very well in the past few days though I am showing signs of adapting back to my "old" life. Sometimes, I fear quiet moments and moments having nothing to do because I will start thinking. And so, I bury myself with work or sleep. And just as I am getting used to the "old" life and saying "it is not that bad after all", I come to know that KM is not coping with it very well and again feel rotten about the whole thing.

There are so many thoughts going through my head now, including:

1. Accept & Move on! - There is a part of me which is telling me not to look back and move forward because I was the one who initiated the breakup so, "live with it! Stop being a whiny person and just be a man and live with it!" There is this part of me which tells me that there is no point in carrying on the relationship because I will in the end still make her upset with me because I just cannot live up what she hopes for me. So rather than prolonging the whole process, why not just give up and move on?
   
   
2. "Is This It?" - There is also a part in me which makes me wonder whether is this it; did God bring us together to only come to such a state? It is true how both of us felt that it is by God's grace and how circumstances come together that we became a couple and how we have both served rather powerfully in ministry and impacting lives. But then, could I have misread God in the first place? Is it His will for us to be together or am I misinterpreting things?
   
   
3. A Disobedient Leader - Is it His will that things turn out this way or am I just being plain stubborn? It is true that it was getting rather painful and tiring that I went ahead with my own decision. And this does make me feel rather rotten that, as a leader, I teach my people to seek God before making decisions but yet myself I am failing in this area.
   
   
4. I Still Love Her - When my friend asked me two days ago if I still love her and my answer is undeniably a "yes". I still love her but then could not bear to carry on making her upset and also I myself am getting tired and feeling rotten for not meeting up to her hopes of me. This part of me wonder if I still love her, why do I even give up on the relationship? It is true, I have been rehearsing in my mind how it would be like when I see her walking down the aisle in future with another person and how would I feel. It was undeniable a rotten feeling. I am afraid I will live a life of regret. But yet there is a part of me which is telling me that it is not worth it.
   
   
5. "It is not worth it" - There is this part which is telling me that it is just not worth it because, as I have mentioned, I am always making her upset; it is always her upset with me and I am just tired of trying to live up to her hopes and also tired of feeling rotten about myself when I make her upset. In fact, I even questioned myself whether I am the same codfishy she fell in love with; why there are so many hopes that I be this and that? Following last weekend's conflict and how she responded, it did make me angry with her response and despite coming together to talk about it, she kept saying that maybe I am just repeating my passivity all over again. But I felt I had tried to explain myself and tried to initiate contact back but all I got was a rather cold treatment. This remark has made me feel so upset and I must agree that the suggestion to conclude the relationship might have been made in anger but yet I know I am tired.
   
   
6. "You are a rotten person" - Deep within me, I haven't been coping well the past few days. It seems that KM is not coping very well either and she did later share how disappointed she is with my decision but will respect it. I am so concerned about her and so worried that she will become depressed. When my AO spoke to me yesterday, he shared how he heard from my own mouth despite all the "failures" to live up to her expectations, it is interesting how I was the one who called quits and not her. And as we talked, I have come to again realise how much I have changed as a person, for the better, because of the relationship. I have become more confident, punctual and functionally extroverted as a person. "But is this how you repay her?!" I know she has been trying to adapt (despite her still getting upset with me) but this is how I treat her. I feel rotten.
   
   
7. "God may have a purpose" - I do not want to deny that both of us have once agreed that God may have called us to serve together in ministry as a couple and maybe also bless other couples in the future. So there is sometimes a crazy thought in me that "maybe God had intended for this to happen and then we get back together, so we can understand and be able to minister to couples in future". And, maybe there is a purpose for us asking our AO and his wife to be our couple mentor just 2 weeks ago, and now how they are stepping in to intervene. But this remains a thought.
   
   
8. "It is You to Give Up" - As I talked to my AO, again he mentioned something that made me think... he mentioned how he sees similairity in my cell leadership and also this situation; how he always see me throw in the towel and how he will catch the towel to throw it back to me. After discussing, it is quite clear that I am a person with esteem issues and I tend to give up easily. Frankly speaking, I know it has only been 4 months and I do agree that 4 months is too short a time to gauge if someone is the "one" for me over a period of 4 months. But also I have to admit that it is too painful. Maybe it has always been that I am a people-pleaser and always seek to please. Which is why I feel rotten when ever expectations are placed on me and yet I will accept it and try to live up to it, only to get all tired in the end. It's the same thing for cell leadership (of which I am doing rather well now, by the grace of God) and also for this relationship. Maybe it is really true that, on my end, with my esteem issues, I am not able to deal with others expectations of me and yet on the other end, KM may also need to learn to moderate the expectations.
   
   
9. Not Knowing how to Proceed - I have to admit that part of the reason for initiating the breakup and even keeping to the decision is my insecurity and now knowing how to proceed. There is a part of me which is still keeping some parts of life private e.g. my messy house which she is always wanting to visit and yet also not knowing how KM is going to live with my mother and also how I am to live with my in-laws (after a few rounds of awkward gatherings and having made KM upset again and again). Somehow, when I think about our future, I just have so many concerns and especially with the recent decision to breakup, even if I were to decide to get back together, how do I face her parents after treating KM this way?
   
   
10. "What audacity!" - My AO asked if I want to move on to chapter 2 or move on to write the epilogue for this relationship. It got me thinking and frankly, as much as I want to continue with Chapter 2, I just cannot think how I am going to face KM, her parents and also worry about all my fears under "not knowing how to proceed". I mean "what audacity for you to first say that you want to break up and then now want to patch up. Who do you think you are? Do you really feel you can bring happiness to KM?" Yes, I feel that it would be selfish for me to initiate the breakup only to want to move on the Chapter 2. Who am I to say that? My AO did share how much a unilateral decision it was that I made and how, despite KM respecting my decision, it is still a decision that I have made on my own. So how can I say breakup at one point and then patch back? That's so selfish! But yet, I agree that at least, allow us to write the epilogue to allow for a proper closure.

I was asked to think through it and decide it I want to go on to chapter 2 of the relationship and work things through or do I want to write an epilogue. I was reminded that relationships are about the coming together of 2 very different lifes and how there are bound to be conflicts. Yes, Chapter 1 has been closed but that may not be the end.

I think, as I write this entry out, things are clear where I should go, to carry on with Chapter 2 if KM is willing, although there are fears and concerns. But I will leave it in God's hands. If KM says that she is not willing to continue, then I will let that be it and we come together to have a proper closure.