新年快乐!!

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Happy Chinese New Year!! Hahaha, here comes the time of the year where relative will say "aiyoh, grown bigger ah", "when you getting married ah?" :D

贺新年/恭喜呀恭喜/恭喜恭喜/小拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


新年到/迎春花/新年赞美主/一起去拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


恭喜大家过新年/天上人间/春风吻上我的脸 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


祝福你/主恩宠/幸福年/太平年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


赐福满满 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


大家恭喜 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


唯上帝 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


迎春花 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


新年好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


岁岁安好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

最近比较烦

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最近比较烦... there is no better way than to describe my recent days than that.



I had just quarreled with my mum just now... on Chinese New Year eve... frankly, I am finding it really impossible to live together because of her mental condition... I have tried to remain quiet recently to avoid getting into a verbal quarrel again but I do not know why but I have been getting real short-tempered with her recently. Why does she have to wash everything in the fridge daily? Why does she have to forbid me to go into the kitchen when she is using the washroom and why did she have to throw away the fridge magnet I had placed on the fridge recently? It may sound trivial but living together with someone with OCD and yet refusing to seek help and causing much misery to people around her is sure hell. And yes, I know everything about honouring thy parents and I do know that I am who I am because of my parents and recently, I have witnessed how she cared for me at night when I was sick; at the corner of my eye, I saw her helping me to put a blanket but living together with her is just impossible; every single unreasonable behaviour of her's just angers me more and more... From washing my passport to washing my dad's handphone, how she acted when my dad had heart attack years ago and how she treated my beloved grandmother, I sometimes just want to move far away from her. It's just sickening living with her and sometimes, to think she has the nerve to ask why we are treating her this way and keep hinting that other people bring their mothers to tours etc. I am already doing my best to honour her as a mother and tolerating her behaviours. And when she talks, she immediately lashes out at you even when we are talking to her calmly. Why must she be so selfish and why must she have her way in everything at home? There just come a time when I can no longer take it but yet I cannot deny that she is my mother, someone who God had placed in my life... maybe that explains why I hate selfish people a lot. Sometimes, I ask God again "Why have you placed her in my life? Why can't I be like a normal person with a normal family?" Sometimes, I do not know what lies ahead and frankly, one of the reasons why I had considered singlehood is largely because of her... because I cannot foresee bringing someone I love into my family to have to tolerate her...

My dad is yet another person... in recent days, I have took leave to stay home to tidy up the house and do a bit of spring cleaning... and he can really nag and nag and nag. But generally I am still OK with him. The only thing which really upsets me greatly is how he is treating his health. Back sometime, the doctor had told us how he had got a very rare disease called "Castleman's Syndrome" and this might lead to cancer. Coupled with his diabetes, heart conditon and many other conditions, he really worries me... But yet, he seems to not really take care of his health and most of the time, I see him eating snacks or unhealthy stuff. And recently, he had been coughing real bad every few minutes and I can hear his cough resonates the whole house (which can be rather embarrasing because people may think I have someone with TB at home). Then on early Saturday morning at about 2am, he woke up and complained of chest pains... the image of me rushing him off to the hospital years ago all alone and crying at the A&E just came back again... I kept asking him to go with me to the A&E but he refused, kept saying that it is because of his cough... sometimes I do not even know if I am a good son and if I should just relent to his wishes... well, at the end we did not go to the hospital but the whole incident had left me tired, worried and sleepy. The very next day, I nagged at him a little and he lashed back at me... well that did not make me feel good at all.

Relationship-wise, I have been feeling rather negative recently... I do not know why but then many negative thoughts kept coming back to me recently on this relationship and whether it is meant to be... I have talked to KM a little bit and has come to the conclusion that I am just being negative. I know she had been very nice (as every of my friends say so) and I know how she is trying to accept me. But then very problem I face in the relationship is that of ego, esteem and uncertainty. I cannot deny that throughout the past few months, I have made her upset many times; from forgetting things, to not communicating throughout the day, her feeling I care more about her mother than her, me being late, me saying the wrong words, me not sending her home, me not informing her of certain things in ministry (because I knew she had a difficult day and did not want to burden her), me making decision to postpone dinner with my family to another day (without consulting her) because I was concerned she cannot finish her assignment and me reminding her of a bad conflict with someone else because I was engrossed with the TV outside the washroom while waiting for her and was stunned when I turned around and saw her behind me, I have become very scared of the next time when she will be upset again. I have spoken to her before and she did say that she needs time to accept me but then the thing about it is that it feels no good at all that I am always the one upsetting her, once every few days. But yet on the other hand, I do feel rotten why I can't be more "man" and always ending up on the receiving end of everything? I ask myself why can't I lead in the relationship and why I cannot be more assertive and make decisions? Why do I still feel uncomfortable making the decisions? I face with uncertainty about the whole relationship and how to relate with her family. I face with uncertainty on how she is going to accept my family and always ask if I can bring her happiness or much unhappiness? I am rather uncertain where this relationship is going because I have to frankly say I am getting a bit tired. But I don't doubt that sometimes some of these anxieties and bad feelings are caused by myself because of my low self-esteem and negativity, just like how recently I had been a little upset for a few days because I thought she was upset with me. But then, sometimes I ask how much is because of my neagtivity and how much is because of her expectations of me? Of is it my expectations of myself?

Minstry-wise, things are going rather fine and yesterday, we had a reunion lunch celebration at one of the members' house. For the first time in many many months, I see everyone letting their hair down and it was just awesome seeing how we celebrated one member's birthday with party poppers, water gun and also "lau yusheng" and play wii together, talking about fishes etc. But I do have to agree sometimes I still get drained by people, their struggles and their spiritual walk. Maybe like what KM mentioned, I have not yet learnt to disassociate myself from people's struggles and yes I know this is not healthy. And nothing pains me than seeing people in pain and/or people who are not fully wanting to "let go and let God". Frankly, maybe because of my own walk and stubbornness, I just did not want people to follow my footsteps. But yet, I am reminded that nothing is too difficult for God and in time to come, God's will will come to be, just as how He had brought me back despite my stubbornness. In the meantime, I can just stand in the reminder on Friday service that God knows our heart and even though some of us may have bore scars in ministry, we stand in the baptisimal identity of God's children.

On a more happier note, the past 3 days of spring cleaning had been really awesome and yes it has been "烦" trying to decide what to keep and throw but this year, I had been a little more assertive and decided to throw away a lot of things. Managed to wash the blinds with my dad on Friday also and also vacuuming the floor. Wow, a lot of dust and dirt accumulated over the years. It does really feel good putting things back in their place and also being able to find many things which had mysteriously "disappeared" over the years. OK, going to continue with day 4 of spring cleaning and hope that by the end of today, everything will be in place and the house will look a little more tidy. The challenge of course is to keep it that way.