Thank You Lord

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Hours pass by so quickly and now I know why sometimes people wish they can have more than 24 hours in a day. Have been kept away from blogging for some time now but frankly, there are so many things that happened that I wanted to blog about; so as to chronicle my life, but yet I usually struggle with getting myself down to blog because life has just been so eventful and sometimes I just feel so drained and need more rest.

Life has changed dramatically in the last 2-3 months and of course, one of the main changes is that I am now in a relationship. I had just celebrated our 3rd month-sary with KM last Tuesday. Took a day's leave to spend time with KM and went to the museum. It was great spending time together and sharing life together. I remember sitting in front of her and reflecting how amazing it is that I am in a relationship. For a long long time, I have felt that I am not ready for a relationship and will never be in a relationship. But God has, very clearly, part of his plan to rebuild my life, blessed me with someone who I am growing to be more comfortable with. Much has changed in life and I am continuing to see how God can use circumstances, including relationships to help a person in grow in character.

God Walking and on Date with Us
True enough, we have had several trials in the last 3 months (from dealing with people's reaction to us getting together to dealing with hurt from unmet expectations) and we had both, in the process been emotionally affected by it. In fact, twice, I had contemplated to end the relationship because it was getting too trying. But I remember asking God to show me His will and how He spoke through His word that He had wanted me to carry on. Recently, I had decided to breakup and despite having heard from God not to, I remember telling myself "God, I have enough and cannot see how I am going to pull through this even though I know you will... I think it is so painful and I just can't take it anymore..." That evening, I remember meeting up with KM but then we were quiet. I saw her off to the train and as she walked into the train, I remember thinking to myself that "this is the last time I will see her off as her boyfriend" and could hardly hold back my tears. But that incident made me realise how much I cherish KM and the relationship. God later provided the opportunity for a heart-to-heart talk and brought restoration to the relationship.

But one thing I thank God is how He had been faithful in the relationship and how, as we put Him as Lord of our relationship (and even bring him on "paktoh" with us), things just work out in the end. Everytime, we go through a trial, God ministers through circumstances and help shed light on the situation and bring restoration. Many a times, things just happened and provided the opportunity for understanding and restoration to take place. For example, when we had some unhappiness over a topic, the couple devotion book (Boundaries in Dating) that we are reading that week would happen to be on that topic. And a couple of weeks ago, when we had another episode of unhappiness, God brought our Area Overseer into our lives just at the right time. Our Area Overseer and his wife had initially wanted to invite us to catch up with us (not knowing that we are having some issues) but end up having a one-to-one chat with us; girl-to-girl, boy-to-boy. There was much sharing and that did minister, at least, to me. That afternoon, our couple devotion helped me to realise how, in the midst of trying to please KM, I had been "lying" by not being my true self. And so, God ministers yet again.

Lessons on Relationships
Some things I have learnt about relationships (both couple and any relationship in general) thus far is that:

• On Growth: God can use a relationship to help each other to grow;
• Love as a Choice - I have come to realise how love is more than just a "lovey dovey" feeling; it is actually a choice. I have come to realise the more we love a person, the more the person will matter to us and the more we want to see the person better and also to have the person love us back. So, it is natural that we sometimes will have expectations of the person and also the slightest thing can make us feel hurt. But the real test is really whether we will, in the end, choose to love the person and forgive and whether our the motivating factor behind our every action is based on love. It helps to communicate this.
  
  1 Corinthians 12: 4-7 (NIV) -
  4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
  
  
• On Potential of Conflicts: how when two persons come together, it is inevitable that conflicts will happen because it is the coming together of 2 worlds and 2 lives. So instead of avoiding conflicts, embrace it as a growing opportunity to grow and learn more about one another as both grow the relationship. It is important to understand and get to know one anothers' faith/life stories, worldview/values, struggles, friends, expression of love, love language and spiritual maturity;
  
• On Being Natural: I have come to realise that another thing which I had done very well is lying - not in the conventional way but in the way of denying myself and trying to please another. I have come to realise how it is important to remain our natural selves because if not, then the relationship will be based on a lie and how long can we sustain the lie? There is a need to understand and to allow each other to be themselves rather than someone else we want them to be.
  
• Humility: But there need to also be discernment between which part of our selves can be retained and which parts needs to grow and it takes great humility to recognise that.
  
• God-Centered Relationships: I have come to realise that whatever happened, a God-centered relationship is built on strong foundations because God is Almighty and He watches, blesses, guides and restores. And as the couple makes effort to grow in the Lord together, things grow.
  
  Psalm 127:1 (NIV) -
  Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.
  
  Matthew 7:24-27 (NIV) -
  24. "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
  

Why Date?
I believe there are yet many things I have yet to learn but I thank God that so far, though there had been unhappiness, there had been no heated arguments and God always manage to bring us through it all, helping to make the relationship stronger. After all, the period of dating is important in discovering about ourselves and one another. I like the way that Cloud and Townsend put it in their book "Boundaries in Dating". In defending dating, they say that "in the same way that cars don't kill people, drunk drivers do, dating does not hurt people, but dating in out-of-control ways does". They go on to list a few benefits of dating:

• It gives people the opportunity to learnt about themselves, others and relationships in a context which gives people a place to grow and learn, in safety of people who can help them develop
• It provides a context to work through issues
• It helps build relationship skills
• It can heal and repair
• It is relational and brings people together
• It helps us learn what we like and dislike in the opposite sex
• It gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delays of gratification

Life Partnership, Spiritual Partnership
I can see how God has blessed me with a partner, who not only complements me in ministry but also has been alongside me serving in ministry all along... I have come to, not only realise but also accept, how God has brought the two of us together to mightily serve in ministry with our giftings. I have come to realise how KM has the ability of bringing people together and making them feel comfortable and how I had the ability of understanding God's word and teaching it (though I am still learning). I thank God for blessing me with KM as my spiritual partner. I appreciate KM for how she had been so wonderful to me... I will always remember her for all the things she do for me:

• the special birthday surprise where we ate tea-light dinner in a foodcourt, I got blindfolded and brought to fish spa and finally brought to the Singapore Flyer
• the jigsaw puzzle she did for me for my birthday
• the encouragements and cards she sent me
• the help she given me in ministry
• the vitamin she bought for me
• the dinner she made for me
• the prayers she prayed for me
• the diary she bought and did up for me (and even helping to transfer all my appointments and reminders from handphone to my diary)
• the acts of service including helping to wipe away my perspiration
• and many others

The Gift
I am very grateful to God for blessing with someone who cares for me and loves me. Recently, I have found out that, in doing up our 3rd month-sary gift, she asked the AV crew from my church to film me giving my testimony (usually the AV crew do not even record the sermons but she requested for their help to record) and then had the DVD did up into a album with cover and booklet with my testimony printed. When I received the gift, I was dumbfounded because on one hand, I was really touched by her gesture, especially knowing that she continued to work on the gift even when we going through the recent trial and she sensed I was going to give up the relationship again. But on the other hand, I compared my gift for her and felt bad that relative to her gift, it was nothing.

A Confident Delivery
I also thank God for my work ministry because of the blessings He had given me. Despite having no prior experience n volunteer programme management, every time I look back, I am amazed how much He had blessed my hands when I see what has been achieved in the last 3 years. Projects go relatively well. Just like how recently, I was working with a group of volunteers on a project but we are having problems finding a venue for the project. We wrote to some shopping malls but have gotten negative responses. Then, I sent an email to another mall but then there was no response. Days later, someone from the organisation that managed the mall emailed about volunteering and linked us up to the mall management. Before we know it, we are discussing details for the project. Thank God!

I also thank God for helping me give a successful sharing on management support for volunteer programme management as a speaker at a networking meeting. I had initially been worried how things will turn out and had been extremely nervous because the meeting will be attended by management people. But thank God I was not only able to have inspiration on how to structure and do my up presentation slides but also confidently delivered my sharing and was even able to address questions from the floor.

Bloom Where You Are Planted
Despite all the blessings and successes, there was a period in time I began actively struggling with the decision whether to move on from my current job. Recently, during the span of a month, I received two job offers; one internal and one external. I have to admit that things are becoming a little routine at work and I confess I need challenges and a strong sense of satisfaction from being able to use the my giftings from God in my work ministry. But things were getting very routine at work. So, it was really no surprise that when the offers came, it was tempting. But somehow, there was no peace to leave. I realised I liked working in my current organisation and it is the place where I had been called to work ministry and it is also the place where I grew spiritually. I love the people here and have very supportive and genuine colleagues.

I prayed about it and asked God to show me if it is His will to move on. But, I did not feel any peace moving. I remember going to meet someone from the management of a centre to talk about the possibility of moving on to the centre and right before the meeting, I prayed to God to show me His way. When I was in the office, I saw this poster which said "Bloom where you are planted", seemingly telling me to stay on and bloom where God has placed me. Then, to my pleasant surprise, I suddenly receive news how I might be getting external funding for my volunteer programme and might be getting a new manpower. It did give me much excitement to know how much more I can do with the funding and how I can bring volunteer resources management to the next level in my organisation. And also, as I spoke to the management of the centre and when I spoke about the news about the funding, this person in fact then adviced me to stay put given that it is fair that if I secured the funding, I need to stay to provide continuity to the programme. So I guess, it is still to stay for the time being. I thank God for being able to finish the proposal for the funding relatively easily and how thoughts and ideas just came and flowed. In fact, I have unofficially heard how the funder was having high hopes on our proposal and hope to see it awarded the funding. I do not know what the future holds but commit it to the Lord.

I thank God for also reminding me of the role in my work recently when I saw one of our volunteers' life story being featured on TV. Though I am not really working with volunteers directly, God used that TV programme to help me realise how volunteerism can impact people's lives and how I was indirectly making that possible. As I watched the TV programme, I do not know why but I felt a great sense of satisfaction to know that I have made a difference, even though not directly. Thank you Lord for working in this person's life and for reminding me about this as well.

Ask That Department to Sign
However, something at work does make me feel rather troubled recently. I had thought that an issue I had with coordinating collection drives is over but it seems to always come back to haunt me again and again. I had initially developed a form to help my volunteers with their proposals because some of them do not know how to type proposals and everytime they want to organise a collection drive, they will always miss out details here and there. In the end, valuable time is always wasted trying to get the details. So with good intentions, I went to develop a form to help them conceptualise their projects. But then, I remember that it did stir up a little displeasure; with that form, it surfaced a problem about the coordination of such drives sometime falling into noman's land because sometimes people do not want to take up the endorsement of this form. My boss was a bit concerned about the form and did warn me about encroaching others' boundaries when I developed this form. But ultimately, things worked out and kind of sorted out.

However, a recent streamlining exercise meant that the same question surfaced again. When I aksed one of the directors about it to see if her department can endorse the form for collection drives relevant to her department. She responded and asked if the form is endorsed by management. I started to sense I was in trouble because it wasn't. But again, I sensed she was not willing to take the endorsement of this form up and mentioned how another department was supposed to sign it. I hate this feeling of being caught in between and am concerned what my boss is going to say when she sees the email from this director. I am kind of disappointed sometimes when people draw extremely clear boundaries with what is my work and what is your work. It doesn't help that later, I was discussing something with another colleague over the phone and this colleague was sharing about how "political" this director is. She also shared about how sometimes it is difficult to get budget to appreciate volunteers because sometimes such expenses are not approved. It did make me a little disappointed because I know my job is to help my organisation develop its volunteer programme but unless there are reasonable resources available for it, how can I grow it?

Ministry-wise, I also thank God for blessing my cell ministry. From a core of 3 people at the lowest point in my ministry last year when I wanted to give up, I thank God for bringing people to cell and for making cell what it is today.

• It is amazing to realise how God has brought KM into my life to not only bless my life but also bless cell; each of us playing different roles using our giftings.
• It is amazing seeing how I have sensed from God how He wanted this cell to minister to people who are hurting, backslided and misled and to see the people who God brought into the cell. Initially, I lamented to God how I cannot compare to other cell leaders, who seem to be extroverted and so eloquent and even charismatic but then, looking at the people in my cell now, all being introverted people, it is as if God is reminding me how He has made every leader different for different purposes and although I am unlike those leaders, I have a purpose to help minister to these people through this cell.
• It is amazing seeing how every week God leading the discussion (even though I am always not confident about it) and how God uses the session to minister to some people.
• It is amazing everytime I see my people worshipping and growing in the Lord and how some have even came out of their cocoon having been hurted by people before...
• It is amazing to see how everyone in the cell are all so different but yet I can see how God had brought them in to serve in different roles... how God has placed some (who seemed to be extroverted but are actually introverted) in the cell to provide some joy, how God has placed some to create an atmosphere for deep sharing, how God has placed some to bring people together, how God has placed some to provide wisdom in biblical knowledge, how God has placed some to bless in coordinating.

I also thank God for helping me through my testimony on 23 August. I was scared stiff just thinking about it, presenting my testimony in front of a whole congregation of about 2000 people... but then I sensed God wanted me to share and bless others as He had blessed me, so I told Him that I am leaving it in His hands... I remember meeting KM early for breakfast that morning and we prayed... And then, I remember feeling all funny sitting in front of the worship centre with the pastors; not very used to sitting so near the stage and beside the pastors. Somehow, I always have fear of being near authority figures be it my attachment supervisor or boss etc :D Then, I remember I was feeling all nervous and on one hand, I so wanted the testimony to be over quickly but yet on the other hand dreaded it. But I remember standing there in front and worshipping the Lord and as if the Lord was affirming me... telling me that it is worthy to praise His name... and the songs that day were all on that... As one of the songs, Worthy, went "how can I not sing..." and yet another song, Mighty to Save reminded me how God is able to use my testimony mightily to release healing and restoration. I have then come to realise how the worship has calmed me down.

As a result, I was surprised how I was able to pull the whole thing off and how I could even joke. Many later came to tell me how I did not seem nervous at all and thanked me for the testimony. Well, all I can say is I availed myself and God used my testimony. Hope people will step forward to receive restoration from God through my testimony.

Thank you Lord for everything!