Experiencing God Like Never Before

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My breath is getting shallower... not sure if it is caused by nervousness and stress or something else. But one thing is for sure, part of the reason for my shallow breath is because of the amazement at how God works and how real He is!! In fact there is part amazement and part awe and fear...

Throughout the week, I have been quite stressed about helping to co-lead cell tonight because my cell group leader is away. There are a lot of "what-if this goes wrong", "what-if that goes wrong" and as usual a lot of self-doubt; I kept asking myself whether I am hearing God clearly about the calling to be a CLT. But God just worked His hands in really miraculous ways...

Firstly, He blessed me and prepared me for cell discussion. I was to co-lead the cell group discussion on last Sunday's sermon on reaching new heights, by trusting God and taking small steps of faith. But later, I was so awed when I realised that God has indeed helped prepared me for tonight's discussion because the topics covered at the department devotion on Tuesday and the HQ devotion just today was so in line with the topic of last Sunday's sermon.

Tuesday's devotion (based on Our Daily Bread for 9 Jan 2007, on Proverbs 16:9) was on letting God direct our steps:

In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

and today's devotion was on the keys to a fruitful ministry (I will separately blog about the sharing). And you know what? Out of millions and billions of bible verses, the same bible verses that were covered by the 2 devotion sessions during the week came out again and again during the cell group discussion. In fact, I knew that the bible verses would come in handy but somehow did not know how to use them. But out of the multitude of verses, the discussion flowed and the verses came out...

Secondly, He used the same sessions to not only help me prepare for cell discussion but the also, as if, to speak to me about my new CLT role. It reminded me to let God direct my steps, remember to have a fruitful ministry and be prepared for pruning.

Thirdly, things just flowed and I wasn't my usual self. I had prayed for God's presence to be upon the cell group and I was getting real worried as I made my way to cell group. Yes, it started quite badly and I was mostly quiet with my co-leader doing most of the leading. But it seemed that things just gelled together. I found myself, surprisingly, saying things that I would not have expected myself to say, prayed aloud during worship (deep inside me, there just seemed, at that time, to be such a great desire to speak out to pray) and although both me and my co-leader were being "grilled" by this one brother-in-Christ about bible verses to support our points, we were able to handle it well and the right verse just came along and supported by sharing by other fellow-cell group members.

Fourthly, I found myself the courage to also share genuinely about my testimony on grace and calling (3 in fact: one on calling to minister to my friend who is in cult; one to my current job and the last one to be CLT) and also the courage to relate my current struggles in being a CLT to the discussion.

I have been called to be CLT
But have not thought much about myself
to fulfill that very role
I doubted if it is indeed a calling
And asked "How do I know"
But you provided for and prepared me
Which really awed me so

In fact, I have experienced God in no way before today... I knew He was present and as we ended our discussion of the Word and went into worship, I sang the first song, Awesome in this place, with great thanksgiving. I did not know how to sing the song but I recall meaning every single word of the lyrics. My legs trembled at how amazing God works and also because of reverential awe and fear at how real God is.

I also thank God for sending me my "stitch-giver-colleague" friend to also pep me up for the cell group discussion. I really appreciate this friend and fellow sister-in-christ for spending time with me to have dinner and to encourage me on (and also to help me clear my bag). We were talking and suddenly came to the topic about how I sometimes find difficulty finding things in my bag. The next thing I know, I was "commanded" to empty my bag and there we sat in the foodcourt, going through my piles and piles of paper, deciding which to keep and which to throw... I thank God for this dear friend.

And when I went home, I further received news that my former cell-group leaders' dad is OK! Prayer works! Before this, she was quite down when they learnt that there is a lump at her dad's lungs and that there is a chance it might be cancer. Our cell prayed hard for healing. Her dad was scheduled for surgery today and after coming back from cell, I just found out that her dad is now OK and the lump is actually benign. Thank God for His healing hands!!

OK, anyway, got to stop here... have to attend a leaders' conference in church tomorrow, which is a long long conference, so better catch some sleep soon.

Praise the Lord!

Boss, sit down, I have something to tell you...

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I have been feeling rather burnt out at work recently. Initially, I thought that a shor break will help. Well, it did help and I did feel refreshed after coming back from my long leave. But it seems that recently, I have been feeling rather max-ed out yet again. It doesn't help that it is the beginning of the year and there are quite a number of resignations, adding a bit of grief that I have to say goodbye to people I have worked with. Then, I recently found out that there may be a vacancy for social worker and this set my mind thinking about engaging in direct social work practice again. In fact, I also have the crazy idea of even leaving to be in the missions field but then I know that requires a lot of thought, savings and as my stitch-giver-colleague-friend reminds me, prayer.

Today, as I was ironing my clothes, I made a decision that I would sit down with my boss to let her know how max-ed out I felt. Felt that, since she is like my supervisor, it is only fair that I should let her know how burnt out I am rather than one day just tendering in my resignation when things are really going bad; that would really catch her by surprise.

I kind of stuttered a bit and struggled a bit at the beginning because I didn't know how to start. Eventually, I shared how max-ed out I felt and how sometimes I feel great frustration in my portfolio. I know I have been called in to develop a system for managing volunteers but sometimes it seems to difficult given the current resources and manpower; it is as if I have reached the ceiling as to how much I can do and am now just scratching the surface of the ceiling... I have to also constantly deal with firefighting and with varying expectations of me to support this centre and that centre. Surprisingly, she shared to say that she is aware of the frustration (because she was once in my portfolio) and mentioned that my predecessor also felt the same way. It did help that she shared that and she also affirmed me. Well, this might just help me to feel a little better and I pray for God to sustain me if my calling has not "expired".

Ceiling on High Museum of Art by amandake

By the way, I have been feeling this congestion in the chest that has made me felt quite breathless recently; it's the kind of feeling like having butterflies in my stomach and this nervous feeling in the chest. I have been having this feeling on and off this week. Not sure if it is stress induced or that I have some health problems... hope it is the former...

Is It From You Lord?

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Even though I have recently accepted to take up the challenge to be cell leader in training (CLT), I still in many ways have doubts about myself; I don't really see myself as a leader and worry that I will not do a good job...

The past few days, I found myself to be constantly asking myself if it is indeed a calling from the Lord and I have my share of worries and concern about this and about that. How am I going to cope since I am such an introvert? Is this new commitment going to add on more stress to my already mentally tiring life? Am I a good enough testimony to be a CLT?

As I stood in church service last Sunday singing the hymn "Be Thou My Vision", my heart cried out to the Lord with each verse I sang...

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Be with me and be my vision so I can see and do your will.

Not sure if it is coincidence but then just as the worship songs spoke to me, so did the sermon that Sunday, on desiring that God's will be done, hearing God, taking the step of faith, facing the fears, being prepared for spiritual attacks and keeping our eyes on the Lord. Then again, when we gathered for department devotion on Tuesday, the verse for the day was from Proverbs 16:9:

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

This is not the first time that God seems to have spoken to me through circumstances and through the pulpit (my friend told me that God speaks through the pulpit, through prayer, through His word and through circumstances). In a way, the verse seems apt, as if to assure me that God will direct our steps. I am helping to facilitate cell group discussion this week and am kind of lost as to how to cover the topic... this came just at the right time.

Anyway, so any things to want to thank God:

• Thank God for 2 days that went well. Last Friday, I was needed to go to a JC to observe a few hundred volunteers do some handicraft to help us raise funds. I thank God that I was, surprisingly, extra extroverted that day; I found no problem talking to the teacher and also mingled with a few students. In fact, I watched the students work on the handicrafts with great joy. And the "extrovertedness" lasted till Saturday, when I met my Zone Leader to talk about my new CLT role...
  
• Thank God for a good pep talk by my Zone Leader and I learnt so much from him. I am glad how he helped me to understand the role of a CLT and was open with me, sharing that it is not a bed of roses. I am also thankful how he checked my expectations and helped me to understand that leaders are humans too and they do not have all the answers and need not be bible scholars.
• Thank God for a successful icebreaker session during cell group last week. I was tasked to do icebreakers for cell group and my friend gave me some ideas to have pieces of paper pasted on our backs and have people write affirmative statements about us. Everything went well and I thank God for that and for my friend for giving me the suggestion
• Thank God for maintaining my sanity. Initially, I was supposed to co-chair a major Volunteer Coordinators' meeting at work on this Friday and then I was later asked if I can facilitate cell discussion on the same Friday because my cell leader was going to be away... Super stressed but thank God, another major meeting was planned for last minute at work, forcing me to change the date of my coordinators' meeting. Yeah, can't imagine having to facilitate two group discussions in a day.. super heavy. Then, I also had a friends' gathering on Wednesday and this clashed with my meeting with another CLT to plan and prepare for Friday's cell. The gathering was in the end cancelled, leaving me time to plan for the cell discussion.
• I also thank God for a good and fruitful discussion with my bro-in-christ who is also a new CLT
  

Anyway, I know that I must not rely on my own strength but have to work with God to lead the cell... I am really committing the cell meeting into the hands of the Lord.