You Have Been So Good

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You Have Been So Good



You have been so good
You have been so good to me
In my faithless hour
You've been my strenth
You are my tower
From the enemy
You have been so good
So good to me

Your hand is always faithful
Your mercy never ends
And when I feel unable
Your grace is there again

You chose me with my weakness
And all my sins forgave
I've nothing to repay You
So all that I can say

So good
You have been so good

Learning Points of an Introverted Ministry Leader

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Maybe because I had been thinking about my testimony about my ministry recently, I found myself thinking suddenly yesterday morning about what I have learnt as an introverted ministry leader.

Frankly, there isn't much books out there which focuses on helping introverted leaders. There seem to be an abundance of books which focuses on "what you, as a leader, should do" versus "what principles you, as a leader, should know and have". I do not know how the books may have helped leaders but personally, the former had not helped me at all but rather made me feel more lousy about myself as I started to realise how far off I am from the picture of an ideal leader, as painted by these books. Then, I come to realise that the reason might lie in the fact that I am an (extremely) introverted leader and these books may not be the right ones for me. After all, if it has been stated in the bible (Ephesians 4:11-13) that

"It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."

then, I believe that in the same way, God has intended to have leaders of varied personality types ministering to different people. God has different purposes for different leaders although it is at the end of the day, to build up the body of Christ, allow everyone to reach unity in faith and in knowing Christ, becoming mature and Christ-like followers. So why force ourselves into moulds of what leaders should be like?

I was thinking about all the things God had shown to me through the year over the short span of time as I prepared for work (which explains why I forgot to switch off the iron) and then I felt a prompting to jot these down, perhaps to encourage other introverted leaders or to even encourage myself in future? But nonetheless, I am still in the process of being moulded by God and have lots more to learn. So, in the meantime, what have I learnt over these 1 year?

• Heart over Skills - Being a leader is not so much about skills but about heart and availability to serve. I have come to see how God moulds, prepares, provides and guides you in ministry as long as you have the heart for God's people and are willing to avail yourself. It's about being "willing" and not worrying about the "able" part. Moses also started off feeling not confident as his ability to speak but manages to lead his people (Exodus 4:10-17):
  
  10 Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

  11 The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

  13 But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

  14 Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses and he said, "What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. 15 You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. 16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. 17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it."

  God also assured Jeremiah in Jeremiah 1:5-8:
  
  5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
  before you were born I set you apart;
  I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

  6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

  7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

• 1 Corinthians 15:58 - Another thing I have learnt is that chances are that you might have a more difficult time taking up leadership and self-depreciation, spiritual attacks are real, as I have experienced it, so remember 1 Corinthians 15:58:
  
  Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
  
  Even Moses had gone through periods of rejection and pain (Numbers 11:11-15):
  
  11 He asked the LORD, "Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? 12 Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers? 13 Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, 'Give us meat to eat!' 14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin."
  
  What pain.
  
  
• God is with you - Remember that you have been chosen (assuming you have received the calling) and that God is always with you. God is always there and all you need to do is just open your spiritual eyes. Be assured by Isaiah 41:9-10 as it has encouraged me:
  
  I took you from the ends of the earth,
  from its farthest corners I called you.
  I said, 'You are my servant';
  I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
  
  So do not fear, for I am with you;
  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
  I will strengthen you and help you;
  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
  
  
• Partnership with God - One of the powerful perspective which has helped me is something which my friend shared with me one day that we are not leading OUR cell but GOD's cell. All we need to do it avail ourselves to allow God to use us and minister through us. In this way, you will then feel less "performance anxiety" because you recognise you are leading with God.
  
  
• The primary JD - I realised the ministry leadership is very different from other types of leadership. Yes, ministry leadership is servant leadership as in we serve rather than seek to be served. But an important revelation, in my opinion, is that leadership is all about (i) the leader getting right with God first and then (ii) committing to share his/her walk with the Lord as an example to his members and (iii) keep reminding members of the need to develop a relationship with God because we, like the Israelites, can be all happy at how the Lord blesses us one moment but later forget about His goodness, which could also take us through trials. Ultimately, our primary "job description" is not to provide new perspectives to the bible as much as reminding the basics of the bible: Recall, Repent, Reconcile, Restore. So don't feel guilty you have nothing new to teach", remind!
  
  
• Prayer - Ministry leadership is spiritual warfare as we wage battle against Satan to win people back into reconciliation to God and hence you can expect battle in the spiritual realm. As followers, we have been given the weapon to deal with the evil one (Ephesians 6:10-20) but then what is emphasised is at the end about prayer because prayer, as I have realised from my walk, not only provide 2-way communication with God but also is a powerful weapon as communication channels are open and God guides. Remember that you are in partnership with God in leading the cell and pray before preparing for cell; for God to open your eyes to the angle the session should take to minister to someone in the cell.
  
  Besides praying before preparation, also keep praying for your members and also for yourself to continue to have joy in serving God, focus and for spiritual covering. In fact, the cell should pray for their leaders to make sure they are spiritually covered and stay focused on God.
  
  
• Don't Compare, God has His purpose for your cell - From time to time, leaders may compare themselves to other leaders to see how they are doing. I know because I did that and in the process, got very discouraged. But then God continued to assure me and then it became clear to me that God has His purpose for every cell and sometimes, your cell might have a different purpose e.g. to reach out to the introverted, backslided, misled, single-parents, burnt out etc so no two cells are the same. It would be like comparing apples to pears and saying how pears are not as round as apples. Keep praying for God to open your eyes to what His plans for your cell is and in time to come, He will show.
  
  Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
  
  
• God's Timing & Provision - Trust in God's timing because as Romans 8:28 says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.". It is "the good of those who love him" and not just your good. Recently, my boss shared an interesting analogy which caught my attention:
  
  Imagine 2 baseball player - one is batting and one is catching the ball and both are Christians. The batter prays to God that the one catching the ball will miss the ball but the one catching the ball prays that the he will catch the ball, so how?
  
  An interesting analogy and I have come to realise that sometimes God's plans takes time and moulding, just as how I now look at my cell and realise how an exodus of members was necessary because God has His plans for this cell and He needed to change the culture of the cell. Now the cell is still undergoing rebuilding but then I can see how He has brought people to the cell and how some people are staying and continues to be ministered to, not by my might but by the glory of God.
  
  In the same way, I have come to realise how God has provided me with people in my cell with different gifting to rise up to the occasion to help rebuild the cell.It becomes clear to me when KM has stopped working to concentrate on her studies and how at that time, God has given her rest and she also started to help with bringing people in cell closer together. I could not have done that but God raised up a person to help me with that.
  
  
• Blessing people to go - As much as God will bring people to come to your cell, so will he continue to lead people to the "right" cell where they can grow. So if things does not work out and a member was to leave your cell, do not feel rejected, instead try to be glad that the person is going to a cell where he/she can grow better.
  
  
• It's not a number game - Although it may feel horrible having people leaving your cell or people not coming, remember that it is not a number game and continue to minister to the few who came. There come a point I tell myself "God, no matter you sent 3 or 30, I will minister to them".
  
  
• God is Real - God is always around you and He is real, you just have to open your spiritual eyes to be aware of His existence. Keeping a spiritual journal has helped me to know how real God is. It also helps you to keep track of how God has blessed you and in times of trials, remind you how God has always been there for you.
  
  
• Recognise members' personal responsibility - Remember that as much as you need to help people to grow, you cannot arm-twist a person and he/she will have to take up his/her own responsibility to grow spiritually; we can only make the environment conducive for that. Remember that the Christian faith is about relationship with God and where there is no repentance, there can be no relationship, reconciliation with God. I recall one day telling a friend this: that the Christian faith is about relationship with God and just like a relationship with a person, we need to nurture the relationship. Your leader cannot nurture the relationship with God on your behalf as much as he/she could not go into a relationship with your partner on your behalf. You will have to do it.
  
  In another aspect, members also have the responsibility to make the cell meeting work, not just those serving on that day. The cell meeting is only as successful as the members make it to be. As such, I have recently felt led to open make an agreement with my members about how we needed to be punctual, how we need to respect confidentiality; that everything discussed will stay within the 4 walls, how we all needed to participate and how we should try to give thanks each week so we can be more God-aware.
  
  
• Creating a safe haven - With an introverted leader, from how I see it, chances are that the cell will comprise of mainly introverted members who are drawn to the leader (though God will also bless the cell with extrovert(s) for His purposes). So it would be important a safe haven be created so people are confident to share. I have once made a mistake of not intervening when someone else interrupted another who was sharing and when I subsequently returned to the first person, he did not want to share. If that happens, the trust will need to be rebuilt. So God led me one day to talk about confidentiality as we cover our cell covenant.
  
  
• Show you are human too and do not have all the answers - Leaders need to be real and you make mistakes too. Accept that. You and your members need to recognise that. Only when members feel how real their leader is that they may also start sharing.
  
  
• Delegate - Don't burnout. Work with various members as they are ready to rise up to use their gifting to edify the cell. For a start, you may wish to have someone to look into complementing you and help to bring the people together. Other roles e.g. refreshments, icebreakers, attendance & cell list, word discussion, worship, treasurer and prayer can be looked slowly at a later stage.
  
  Acts 6:1-4
  1. In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Grecian Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. 2. So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, "It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. 3. Brothers, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them 4. and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word."
  
  Delegation not only help you to focus on your ministry but also gives other a chance to develop ownership for the cell and grow as they hone their gifting. So do not rob them of a growth opportunity.
  
  
• Leadership Style - This is just another way of saying what was shared earlier: while it is good to emulate other leaders, ask youself if God has a reason for picking you as a leader. So there may be nothing wrong with your leadership style after all since God calls all kinds of leaders. Lead and care in your way e.g. for me, I struggle with calling my members but continue to sms (even sms-pray) for my members.
  
  
• Open cell - One thing I have learnt from another cell is the need to stay open and outreaching and not all exlcusive. Because the day the cell grows so exclusive, there is a danger it might turn into a social club and spiritual stagnation might be round the corner.
  
  
• Profile & Culture of Cell - understand the profile and culture of the cell and pray for spiritual eyes to see the needs of your members and try to address those needs. If unable to, e.g. it is necessary for a sister-in-christ to minister to a sister-in-christ, engage help from another member.
  
  
• Miscellaneous - Other things which have helped me in my ministry:
• Focus on thanksgiving so as to help members be reminded of how real God is e.g. blog
• Shared worship leading where everyone choose a song for the week, as the Spirit leads. So far, the worship sessions have been wonderful even though there is no music and we sing acapella; going back to the heart of worship
• Breaking into small groups to pray for one another so it is less intimidating

Still Feeling Sore

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It has been almost 3 years but I can't explain why I am still sore...

Recently, my professional association sent us a letter inviting us to join in an upcoming dinner to celebrate the profession. Given the old me, I would have been the first to respond, in support of the profession. But then, not only have I not renewed my membership, I have also hesitated about supporting this dinner. I guess I had been hurt quite badly and am still angry with my professional association for treating me the way they did 3 years back when I was there working for them.

And I could not explain the way I feel when I visited their webpage. I realised that they have redesigned the website and it was a nice looking website. For years after I left, they have maintained the website that I painstakingly designed and for years, they had struggled with website design and sometimes asked if I could help, only to have me saying "no" because I just could not take on any other commitments with my schedule and most importantly, I was still upset with them. But then, seeing that they now have someone to do the website and it's such a nice one, I found myself torn between feeling happy things are moving for the association vs feeling terribly upset that "my website is gone and now I am no longer needed". I don't know, maybe I am just upset the website which I designed is gone, maybe I feel threatened that all along the association had on several occasions tried to get me to rejoin their staff team and now, I may no longer be valued by them as much anymore (it's a bad jealous feeling which I know I should not have but then it's still there).

Anyway, I am trying to tell myself to just let go of the past and move on... it's been 3 years and isn't it true I am being brought to someone better, with wonderful colleagues and friends and also opportunities for spiritual growth? What more do I have to complain about?

Renewed Passion, Inspired by Volunteers

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I have always like meeting up with my volunteer leaders because there is just something which rubs off of them; their passion serves as a wonderful inspiration to me. It is just amazing to see how despite being such busy people in the corporate world, these people still bother to come on a Saturday morning to devote their time to a charitable cause, week after week for 3 years counting. And when they speak, you can sense their passion and how seriously they take their volunteer assignment. In a way, they do put me to shame because it's just amazing seeing how a group of volunteers can be so much more passionate about what they are doing than me, a staff.

As we sat together today for a meeting, it's plain amazing to see how, as volunteers, they seem to own the vision and mission of our organisation, always thinking how they can help our oorganisation raise more money and always hungry for opportunities to do more. In fact, at one point in time, they even shared pointers with one of my new staff on how to work with student volunteers. I soon realise that that brief 5 minutes talk soon became a lesson in basic volunteer management for my new staff as me and the volunteer leaders shared insights with her:

• Number Matters (How many?) - always work with a manageable number of volunteers lest some become restless when they have nothing to do and start disrupting others
• Explaining the Rationale (Why?) - helping volunteers to understand what the organisation is about and how what they are doing is making a difference and impact for beneficiaries, this especially so for indirect support services where work usually entails tasks done behind-the-scenes to support the organisation rather than directly working with beneficiaries. Once volunteers know why they are helping, it would usually help motivate them to try to do their best
  
• Setting the deliverables (What's to be done?) - Helping the volunteers to have a vision of what is to be achieved and this can sometimes involve challenges along the way to make things interesting. The vision will need to be shared and agreed upon.
  
• Assigning Responsibilities (Who's in charge?) - Assign leaders to help organise the volunteers and ensure that everyone helps to achieve the vision.
• Checking in (How's things going?) - Check in on the volunteers to (i) see how they are coping, (ii) see how's things progressing, (iii) motivate them, (iv) troubleshoot (if necessary) and (v) adjust goal (as necessary).
• Rounding Up (How's the experience? What can be better?) - Have a debrief to address what went well and what can be better

We then later discuss how we can partner with another programme to have the volunteers contributing more in a direct manner, helping the beneficiaries. Thinking about all these just excites me as I start to become aware again how my job is somewhat meaningful, bringing people together in partnerships to serve the needy and underprivileged. There seems to be a renewed sense of passion in my work again. After the meeting, we adjourned back to the volunteers' shed so the volunteers can continue with their assignment. I always also like to hang around them because it warms my heart to see camaraderie at work as a group of people work and have fun together.

Thank you my volunteers, for reminding me why I am here. And though I may not be directly involved in helping the beneficiaries, I am reminded by you all again that I have a purpose to play in the whole equation, serving to bring people together and forging meaningful partnerships in making a difference for everyone-beneficiaries, volunteers and staff.

Thanksgiving: Cell Meeting

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Just finished cell tonight and even though it did not turn out as well as I expected it, with little pockets of silence here and there throughout the discussion and sometimes I also do not know where I am heading in facilitating the discussion, it nonetheless went relatively well. I thank God for:

• giving me peace recently as I come to realization that I am not leading cell along but in partnership with God. At least I am no longer as uptight as in the past, when I will start being very stressed from Monday
• opening my spiritual eyes so much so I no longer read the bible as if reading a story book but instead being able to read and pick up themes, interesting points and even learning points and being all excited to share some of these insights with my cell
  
• another not-so-new visitor to the cell; someone who is a friend of a member who have since left the cell but is also a friend of the new visitor last week. Apparently, she came to visit the cell some time back and then did not return till now.
• having my Area Overseer (AO), his wife and son join our cell yesterday because I realised how God always have a way of placing certain people in cell for a purpose.
  
• Just like the time God sent the deputy pastor to visit my cell when I was leading the first time and despite it being very stressful to be leading cell in front of the deputy pastor, I later realised how God has brought him to help out with the discussion because we were discussing a topic which I found difficulty explaining clearly.
  
• Then later, God always bring my AO to cell whenever necessary e.g. when I decided in my heart to have a frank discussion with my members about the bad state of cell, he turned up to help facilitate;
  
• My AO also always seem to turn up at the right time to balance the dynamics of the cell e.g. when there is no extroverts in the cell that day
• blessing us with a guitarist, my AO's son yesterday, who did not even have to practice and can almost immediately play the songs we were singing
• my visitor seemingly feeling comfortable about this cell and for some of my introverted members rising up to chat with them and make them comfortable
• my members' participation in the discussion yesterday and sharing their experiences
• almost all at once, blessing the cell with so many members who have cars and can send my members home after cell
• the wonderful fellowship we had after cell and there was, for once, so much chit chatting going on

I also thank God for:

• watching over the family because for the first time in so many years, I forgot to switch off the iron after ironing my work clothes and I left it like that and left for work. Thank God that my sister happened to have her morning session at work cancelled and so she was home; that although she still sleeping when I went out, she woke up soon after to find the iron not switched off. Coincidence? I do not think so, too many coincidences in my life to be coincidences.
  
• my friend's safety that although he was knocked down by a lorry on Thursday, he seems OK and was discharged from A&E with just bruises and abrasion.
• friends who have agreed to join me for Easter
• a manageable workload at work
• bringing to me yet another friend to minister to when she accidentally sent a sms to me saying how burnt out she is at work. We do not know each other very well and have not met for a very long time. But over the past year, she has continued to send me encouraging bible verses which ministered to me despite her not knowing that I was struggling with my ministry. Now, it may be my turn to pay back as God opened my eyes to her needs.
• the relationship between me and my AO; I had been rather upset by him before because he sometimes can be quite a task-master but then as I come to know him more and more, I know he cares. Yesterday, he even joked with me and was making fun of me saying how come my sister never call me "kor" (elder brother) but instead call me by my full name. Then, as I made my way out to go home, he jokingly called out in an affectionate manner, "kor", we all laughed :D
  

Of Hands, Back, Mouth and Fingers

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Thank God for a blessed week and for everything that went well.

The Part about Hands
It has really been a fun week! Every year, our headquarter will embark on an in-house fundraising project in support of another needy social service centre, home, programme in another country. It will usually be a whole month of eating as departments cook up a storm and offer food to each other, in return for a small donation to bless the home/centre/programme. I do look forward to this time of the year because it is at this time of the year that we can work together with one another, have loads of fun and try our hands at business :) I always like to offer my skills in designing the "marketing" posters for my department.

This week, we sold fruits and fruit juice. It's really kind of fun putting work aside for a while as everyone come together to work out the prices, decide the menu, come up with the marketing plan and advertisement catchphrases, prepare and juice the fruits, going around trying our hand at sales, taking and remembering orders and also trying to build good customer relations. And everytime, as I see how everyone in the department work and have fun together and how our many colleagues keep supporting us and keep buying from us, I just can't help but feel encouraged and thank God for such nice colleagues. Frankly, I do not think I can find another working environment like this.

The Part about my Back
Yeah! I went for my maiden "spaceship" ride this week; my MRI for my back. I was a bit nervous because I do not know what to expect but then thank God for a smooth procedure; that although I could not move for 15 mins, the procedure seem to be over before I know it. I also thank God that I do not need injection because an injection would cost me another $125. In fact, I thank God that I was given a MRI appointment so soon because I was told that come 17 March, the price for MRI will increase by 7%. So I saved 7%, thank God! Now I have to wait for next week when I see the doctor to know the results. Hope everything will be well and that physiotherapy itself should do the trick. I am really not very keen on surgery.

The Part about Mouth
I thank God for a wonderful devotion today! Although I led HQ devotion before, I was still nervous because the last time I led, it was to a small group. But today, I realised that there will be a presentation about the in-house fundraising project immediately after my devotion, which mean that a lot of people, including the bosses, will come. Indeed, all 4 big bosses were there at the devotion. But then, I still want to thank God for:

• how everything clicking together in a nice way and how many people agreed to help me with my devotion, including playing the piano and praying for the prayer topics
  
• how despite being worried about how things will turn out, I seem to have a sense of peace in me and was not as nervous as I thought I would be. I had committed the session into God's hands and felt led to cover the topic today and hence, there was a kind of peace in me knowing that God will work through the session. I was to share my testimony about how I struggled and overcame challenges in my cell ministry with the God; how God continued to minister to me, affirm me and encourage me.
  
• how surprisingly there were light moments during the sharing and people chuckled as I injected a little humour here and there. Knowing me, it is really difficult to find me using humour in my presentation because I am such a serious person
  
• how God has guided me in preparing for this devotion, including how I was led to cover this topic, how the 2 worship songs were selected and how the message came together
• how for the first time in my sharing, I get feedback from quite a number of people about how the message encouraged. I recall also seeing a few people tearing as we sang Don Moen's "I Will Sing" and deep in my heart, I was thanking God for ministering through the session.

It just became clear that the whole session came together in such a marvelously wonderful way and all glory goes to Him. I had just barely availed myself as prompted to share my testimony of how I struggled and overcame challenges in my cell ministry with God. Of course throughout the week, there had been doubts e.g. "don't share, why wash dirty linens in public?", "don't share because it will make you look like a weakling". But then, I am glad I went ahead and hope God has used me to minister.

The Part about my Fingers
I also thank God for using my fingers to minister to my fellow cell leader through MSN. I know that my fellow cell leader is not having it easy in his ministry; so much so I have realised how he is no longer as cheerful as before. However, I have not been able to catch up with this leader because over time, it seems we have drifted apart as we tried to cope with our own ministry struggles. But deep inside me, I was very concerned and worried for this brother and kept praying that things will work out for him soon.

On Monday, I had planned to go home early to plan for my devotion. At that point in time, I have a lot of topics swimming in my head; topics for Thursday's devotion, but none of the topics gave me a sense of peace. I continued to pray for God to show the way and decided I should return home early on Monday to "think about it". But then, I felt prompted to check in on my fellow cell leader. Well, I was glad that I did because by the end of the MSN conversation, I sensed how God may have worked through the session because I realised how God not only may have used my testimony to (i) minister to this friend, (ii) to remind me about how great a God He has been and also (iii) realised how I have actually finished preparing for Thursday's devotion. There seem to be this peace in me and something which says, "share this", almost seemingly that God has His plans to encourage and minister to someone on Thursday.

I thank God for the prompting and for also giving me leave and time to sit down in Novena square after my MRI on Tuesday to just go through my spiritual journal for 2007, to prepare for the devotion. Having gone through the whole journal and drafted my testimony, it became clear to me how real God has been and how He has been guiding me through and ministering to me.

Thank you Lord.

I'm Almost Back in Action

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My Health
I do realise I am not blogging as much as before... maybe it's because of the pain in the leg that has caused me to be rather restless and tired recently... But then, I thank God that things seem to be changing for the better and I am just so happy.

For once on Friday, after my appointment with the doctor and physiotherapist in Tan Tock Seng, I seem to be walking normally again, without the pain. Not sure if it is the pain-killers that helped or the physio but then it is just pure exhilarating to be able to walk almost as usual again. I remember telling myself that I will want to go and celebrate once I recover because it has been a troubling and tiring few months walking around with the pain. Makes me realise how sometimes we tend to take things for granted and only begin to really appreciate it when we are on the verge of losing it; for me it is health and I really thank God from the bottom of my heart that I am able to walk relatively well again, really can't wait for it to fully recover.

Well, the preliminary diagnosis is disc prolapse and according to the doctor, one of the spinal disc in my back is most probably protruding out, touching a nerve, causing pain in the whole right leg. Whatever it is, it is just such great relief to find the cause of the problem (no more "you-are-overweight-and-you-need-to-cut-down-your-weight" diagnosis). And I also really thank God for always blessing my visits to the hospitals so much so it doesn't ever get frustrating, just like my visit to the A&E. In fact, everything went so well and fast and I am even thankful that the hospital managed to last minute slot me into a slot with the physiotherapist on the same day and I did not even have to wait long. This really saved me a trip back to the hospital because I will need to return one time for MRI and another time to see the doctor again.

Then, I was placed on traction, which looks like this modern "torture" machine that stretches your body to loosen your back. According to my therapist, my back is very tensed and stiff and I need to do some stretching exercises prescribed by her to loosen my back, while trying to build up my muscles to hold the spine. That visit itself to the doctors, physiotherapist and pharmacy cost me about $100 and I had another $400+ pending for an upcoming MRI. Wow, boy is it expensive and now I really understand why in the past when I worked as a medical social worker, my patients hated MRI because it is costly. And the medicine given is also supposed to be expensive painkillers. When I went to the pharmacy to collect the medicine, the pharmacist asked me if I would like to take the whole 2 months prescription or take bit of it. Thinking it would not be too costly for a few tablets, I asked how much it would be and to my surprise, the medicine itself would have cost me $100+ had I not decided to go for half the prescription instead. This really made me wonder how the poor in our society could afford a trip to the hospital. But I do thank God that even though the visit did cost me quite a bomb, I am still thankful that I am to cope financially. Anyway, can't wait for my leg to recover soon.

Performance & Cell
Then, I also thank God for many other things, including how my performance at the staff appreciation dinner and cell last week went well. Last Friday, I was supposed to participate in a skit at my staff appreciation dinner and I do not even know what came over me but I actually said yes to helping out in the skit. I really thank God because knowing myself, I know I would be nervous to be performing in front of 400+ guests but to the contrary, I did not feel that nervous at all and in the end, I kind of had fun and before I know it, the skit is over. In the meantime, KM helped to take over cell with my sister and I heard that it was a good session too. Thank God.

Friendship with KM Seemingly Back on Track
As for my friendship with KM, I am glad things seem to be getting back on track and we are talking on the phone more again. Frankly, I am not hoping for anything more than friendship and would like to keep it the way it is rather than jeopardize our friendship. Yes, I admit that what happened between us does make me a little apprehensive about expressing my feelings to someone in future but then at least things are OK now. It's just getting far too confusing for me and I do not want to second-guess anymore. For example, last Friday, I sent her a SMS giving her my prayer request for the evening and before I know it, she appeared in my office, all the way from the other end of the island to deliver a bottle of jelly, 3 sachets of coffee and a CD. I do know she also dropped by her association which is located near my office but really, although her appearance at my office does make me wonder whether there is chance of a relationship developing, I just do not wish to have too high an expectations any more. I have decided to keep things the way it is; maybe this is just how she treat her friends.

Thanksgiving @ Work
I also thank God for many things which has went well, including how I managed to within a few hours, put together a Microsoft access database for a missionary friend and given my knowledge of Microsoft Access, it's just amazing how I managed to put together a database for her within just a few hours. I also thank God for blessing me in my work ministry and recently, I did hear from my boss that there might be an upgrade of my position (which means more work :D) and I have been helping to review my Job Description over the past few days. I do not know what to expect but then I do hope I will not let my organisation down and hope to be able to put in my best, although I seem to be rather demotivated at work recently, maybe due to my health. I am also all excited about an upcoming project at work; something which is done every year and every department will come together to prepare food to raise fund within ourselves to bless a charity institution in another country. It's really a unique experience as each department come together to plan their businesses and prepare food for the fundraising event which will last for 2 months this year. Same thing this year, I volunteered myself to do up the marketing campaign for my department; designing the e-flyers. Another month of eating!

I'm Coming to Singapore!!
Something did happen at work which did caused me a bit of frenzy recently. I had someone who contacted me from overseas a few months ago, expressing interest in coming over to Singapore to volunteer. I did respond to him saying that we do not recruit overseas volunteers as we do not have schemes to support overseas volunteers. And I thought that it was case closed. However, he emailed again and again and mentioned that he will be coming over to meet and discuss with me. I did not take notice of it because I did not think he will come over. But last week, I suddenly received an email from him saying that he has confirmed his flight details and will be coming over, asking me if I can fetch him from the airport since he does not know anyone in Singapore. This got me quite worried because:

• I was thinking whether I have in anyway misled him to think that there is opportunities to volunteer in Singapore
• he mentioned he has not arranged for any accomodations and also mentioned that he is not rich
• there is a possibility that he might not be genuine and I may end up having to take charge of his accomodations etc
• I may not have any assignments for him and I do not want to disappoint him and have him waste his trip down

He did share with me how he had prayed about it and seemed to be led to come to Singapore. He seem to have great faith that things will work out but on one hand, the logical part of me was saying within me "you can't just come over without really preparing" but there is also another part in me which says "what if it is really true that he is led to Singapore? how come he seems to have great faith but not myself?" I know I should not take responsibility for other's actions but then I just could not help but feel a bit worried about the whole situation. I reviewed the situation with a few bosses and the final conclusion is to decline the person, even though he has gotten the air ticket out of his own accord. So, in the end, I had to just be assertive and say "no" through email to him and I do hope this is the end of the case; that he will not suddenly appear in my office next week. I guess we do not want to disappoint people and also have to guard against people who have other motives e.g. citing volunteerism for trying to get out of their country etc. I don't feel very good about the whole situation but then hope it will just be case closed. This taught me a lesson that I need to be assertive next time.

Thanksgiving for Ministry
Ministry wise, I thank God for many things falling into place. It has been a few months since I last wanted to step down and thank God that things seem to be getting better. I can see how God is blessing the cell and continuing to bring people to the cell, even though there has been no active outreach work. I know God's plan for the cell to reach out to those with baggages, those who have backslided and those who are misled and I can see the people God bringing to the cell. I thank God each time I see my new members seemingly to have settled down in cell and growing. I thank God for always guiding me in my preparation for cell and also guiding the cell discussion. Nowadays, I am less uptight about facilitating cell discussion, knowing that God is partnering my ministry. I thank God for a successful fellowship even last Sunday, wrapping popiah at a cell members' house and also playing board games. I also thank God for bringing people to me to minister to and how I can see Him working in their lives too, bringing a timely word, just as He had did to me for so many times, to them and ministering to them.

I thank God how cell turned out yesterday and everything just clicked together. I was to have 2 visitors in cell and was quite worried about how things will turn out but turned out that the session went wonderfully well and people shared. In fact, I thank God how some of my members were even taking the bold step of praying aloud, sharing during discussion and even helping to make visitors feel at home. The worship songs chosen were also all so meaningful and I could sense how the whole worship session, though done acapella style, seemed to have been meaningful to so many, ministering to them. I was amazed how I had prayed for revelation about the topic which I was to cover and God sent me two devotional materials through my sister, which clicked very well with the discussion topic, one from 1 Feb 2008 and one from the devotional material "Our Daily Bread" on the day of the discussion itself. In fact, this has happened so many times already. I thank God that I was confident and the right words just seemed to come at the right time. And I also thank God for bringing my Area Overseer to cell because it seems that he always seem to come at the right time when I need someone rather extroverted to break the ice. With KM going back to her home in another country for 2 weeks, it was down to the introverted people and I can see how God has once and again brought back my AO whenever it is necessary. In fact, my AO was sharing that he did not think of coming to our cell that night but came anyway. I thank God for fellowship at the end of cell where everybody seem to talk to one another naturally, something which I have not seen for months. And finally, I thank God for not only giving me devotional materials but also giving me revelations from His word, always learning more about Him to pass on to the cell. All glory goes to God because as someone had said it, "it's funny how so many coincidences happen when we pray" and there comes a time when you know it is the Lord working. In fact, I pray that I will continue to be able to learn, experience Him and desire Him and not one day lose focus and focus on myself more than Him. I am also very concerned about a fellow cell leader and pray for God to watch over him and help him to tide over his current struggles in ministry. I thank God for opportunity to talk to one of his members who is embroiled in a conflict situation and for not only giving me the right words to say (many of the things I know I will not say) and also reinforcing it with devotional materials the following day. Everything is just so awesome.