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New Year = Reflections & Hope
Anyway, I always kind of like new years, starting from a few years ago. It is the time of the year when I can sit back and reflect on all that has happened in the past year while the promise of better things to come and hope in the new year stands awaiting. As I sit here and reflect on the past year, I come to realized how so much has happened last year. I must admit that it hasn’t been an easy year at all but yet, it has also been filled with many blessings and happy firsts. This is the year in which I first got into a relationship (and had my first "breakup" too), the year which I had been asked to share and present to management people on volunteer management, the year which I had been able to share my testimony in front of a church of 2000 people, the year which I experienced going to a "glam glam" photoshoot and featured as a graduate on my college's website (thank God for the affirmation)...
Health
Health-wise, it hasn’t been an easy year at all. Starting with my diagnosis of slip-disc earlier in the year, the year has been marked with many trips to the hospital for therapy and follow-ups. Not only that, I had also found myself falling ill many many times in the year, constantly consulting the doctor for high fever, bad cold, inflammation of the throat, then having pain in my left wrist while limping around because of my slip-disc. It did not help that I had restless nights because of the pain in my leg, caused by the slip-disc. Throughout the year, I have taken tons of medical leave and had even used up my medical claim from work way in the earlier part of the year. But then, I still thank God that I had been able to recover from it all and to date, apart from the minor ailments, everything is fine. As for my slip-disc, I am relatively better nowadays and at least I am no longer limping around and walking rather normally now.
Personal Life
Personal life wise, I thank God for blessing me with a relationship. For many years, I had contemplated singlehood because of certain issues in my life which kept me from wanting to get into a relationship. But I thank God for bringing KM into my life. For the first time, I took the courage to ask someone on Valentine’s Day if she is keen to develop a relationship with me but having thought that she is not keen, I did pursue further. And finally came the time when I had to deal with my liking for her but yet not knowing for sure if she is keen in me and just when I wanted to give up, God spoke to me thorugh quiet time. I thank God for continuing to provide opportunities for us to get together. Today, I am still amazed whenever I think how God has brought us together - through a conflict. Barely 7 months into knowing one another, we are still getting to know one another even more. Sure, there are times where the going gets tough and it really makes me want to give up because I could not take the pain of conflicts, but by and by, we are both getting to know one another more and enjoying each another’s company more. Though with occasional unhappiness, I thank God for how He has always guided through, speaking to us through people, circumstances and also our quiet time. Particularly, I thank God for bringing us through the initial phase when we faced with some difficulties when we got together and how some reacted to our getting together. That period was very tough for both of us because neither of us had wanted to see people emotionally affected by us coming together but I thank God He had helped us through. Just last week, we had officially “proclaimed” to our cell group that we are together (even though people knew all along). In fact, this year is not only the first time I fall in love and got into a relationship, but it is also the first time I had a breakup. It was a very painful experience for both of us but again, I thank God for bringing people into our lives to minister to us. We now agree to walk on no matter what and trust that God will be the Lord of our relationship.
I appreciate KM for who she is; her caring and self-sacrificial nature, her heart for God and His people, her cheerful and positive personality. I have to admit that there is much joy in my life after getting together with her and there had also been changes to the person I am… Someone has once reminded me that God can use relationships to help each other grow into how God wants us to be. I have to admit that there had been much changes in my life ever since I have got into this relationship, changes for the better. I could finally know how it feels like to share life with a loved one. To think that I had even thought of being single forever but God dealt with me… Even though sometimes I might doubt myself and feel that I am a horrible boyfriend, not knowing how to be romantic and all, but she is always there to assure me and understand me for who I am…
In fact, the thought of being with KM and sharing life with her does excites me… I long to be able to start a family together with her and we are talking more and more about the future now. After recently being caught by one of those bridal shows, I started to worry about our wedding and boy it seems costly to put together a wedding; the wedding reception, the dinner, the gown and bridal shots, the home, renovations etc… I am starting to worry where I am going to get the money from, but I believe that we will take it a step at a time and I will do my best to save for the wedding. Although she had mentioned that we can have a simple wedding, I really want to give her a memorable wedding… I just pray for God’s blessings to keep us growing in the relationship with Him.
Ministry
Ministry-wise, it had been a really really tough year but then again, I have never been stretched so much. I have come to realize how I have grown much spiritually and trust in God more… this year, I had seen God at work in my members and seen how God had placed people in our paths for a reason. Whenever I look at my cell, I am just amazed at what God has done: Towards the end of 2007, God had spoken to me about how this cell was to be a place for people who needed solace from past hurts and how the cell would be a blessing to them, even though some may come and go. I have seen how this has come to pass and had even received a promise from Him when I did my quiet time while planning for cell for 2009. I had seen how He continues to use me to minister and also brought different people with different giftings into the cell to help this cell grow. From the initial 3 persons, this cell has, within a year, grown into a cell with 10 regulars sharing lives, with people still coming to visit. I thank God for speaking to me week after week as I prepared for cell discussions and for guiding me. I also thank God for showing me what cell life is really about when He used both me and KM to minister to different members outside cell during different points in lives of members. It made us realize that it is by no accident that certain people are in our cell.
Of course, things are all not that rosy. I had also found myself feeling hurt many times along the way; by people who stop coming to cell, by people who challenged me about where the cell is going, by people telling me that cell did not meet their needs. 2008 was also the year when God helped me to see how cell group is about life transformation when I saw a member smiled radiantly for the first time in many months. But then, months later, my world came crashing down when I started to realize that the life transformation that I saw in this person is not real at all; all the while, this person was pretending. This has affected me so much, so much so I had an exchange with this person in front of 2 foreign delegates to our church. I became bitter the next few weeks and expressed to God how disappointed I was with the situation. I started doubting how much fruit I am bearing in ministry. It took God to remind me that there is indeed growth taking place in cell and through cell, although sometimes it may not be the way I expected it. And it seems that God knows that this would happened and had, during the same period, brought another cell member into my life to remind me how the ministry is bearing little fruits. I am so happy whenever I see this new believer in my cell growing with his wife. It warms my heart when I hear him share about how life has changed for him and his family after accepting the Lord… Although I am still bitter at times when I think of the member whose life transformation is all “pretend”, but my concern for this member forbade me to give up and I just feel a need to pray even more for this member. I am just telling myself I am not going to give up and will keep providing this cell for this member to work through issues this member has to work with.
Life, Leadership and Spiritual Lessons
Besides all these, God has also taught me several more things about servant leadership and serving His people. Over the months, He has taught and shown me:
- His heart for His people from John 10: 1-16, John 17 and also John21: 15-17 and how as His servant leaders, we are to have compassion for His people as He does. At the Global Leadership Summit which I attended this year, we were brought through a reflection on why are they hurting people out there but yet we are blessed with so much? Hasn’t God called Abraham to be a blessing to the nations? How should we respond then? ;
- How others can bless me when He surprisingly sent a new believer to minister to me when I had a breakup with KM. For a long time, I had always felt that I AM the leader and I ministered to people. But little did I ever expect to be ministered to by a new believer. But then God humbled me and made me realize how He had intended us to be in a community for this very reason; to help build each other up, despite our spiritual age… I have learnt a long time that leaders are not exempted from trials and from being stumbled and this was like an extension of that very lesson, that even leaders need ministering to.
- How I needed to give people opportunity to take responsibility for their walk with God. As a leader, I could only facilitate their relationship with God only so much, any more, I would be robbing the members of their responsibility to walk with God. I always blame myself when I see people walk away or backslide but something inside me reminds me that ultimately, people had to take responsibility for their own walk. I am reminded of what I told one of my former members… “Christianity is about relationship with God and I cannot develop this relationship on your behalf”. The Lord transforms lives but it is really the choice of the individual on whether they want to “let go and let God”. I can only be an agent to the people for God and reaching out to them but the rest depends on the individual. Several people has come and gone from my cell and this has made me feel real bad. But then I am reminded again that relationship with God is ultimately relationship with God. Yes, sometimes I blame myself for not doing enough to facilitate their relationship with God but then how much is enough? It is tough to balance this but then I am still trying.
- How the Christian faith is not just another religion but about RELATIONSHIP with God and life transformation (of self and others). It is really about bringing people back to what God had intended for them to be; to have God in their lives and to enjoy fellowship with God. But man, having sinned and chose to live apart from what God had intended. But God did not allow for man to just walk away and has provided Christ to pay the consequences of their sin so they can reconciled to God. But it is not only about REDEMPTION and RECONCILIATION but also about RESTORATION as God transforms a life as the person learns to walk RIGHTEOUSLY. But Christianity is not only about enjoying one’s walk with the Lord. No, it is not so selfish, but it is also about seeing God’s heart for people and eventually, upon appreciating the love and grace of God, allows him/herself to be used by God to RECEIVE others into His kingdom. Over the years, I have come to realize God’s love and come to experience the joy of having Him in my life. It was starkly different from the time I backslided. The whole bible began to make much sense. After all, did not the bible speak of the 2 greatest commandment of loving God and His people? It is about bringing hope and life to people than anything else. It is about RELATIONSHIP above anything else rather than about killing people or trying to earn your salvation through works (though this is important). But, as Jesus said “first clean the inside, then the outside will be clean” so does it translates that when we love God and His people, we naturally will do good. Our salvation is given by the grace of God and is not earned. Christianity, at the end of the day, is not about selfish religion for self or believing so that we will be blessed or win 4D but it is about having a RELATIONSHIP with God and His people.
- How my heart for God’s people has grown over the months so much so, it is painful seeing people who are not walking closely with the Lord or who has not yet known the Lord. I struggle with this pain constantly but remember that it was not so many months ago. I remember how in the past, I was so selfish and had wanted to just enjoy worshipping with the Lord, not wanting to take up cell leadership. And even when I took it up, I had lamented to the Lord for the difficulties and had asked Him why He is making it so difficult for me. Well, I still do ask these questions occasionally but less so now. Nowadays, I realize that my hearts aches for people. And when I see people coming to the Lord or responding to altar call, my heart becomes so glad and I often find myself smiling. I always remember how my heart wrenched when I was praying for a youth at the altar as he sobbed away but was filled with joy when I saw his heart to want to walk with the Lord closely.
- Any leader of the Lord points people back to the Lord and gives counsel which brings life and hope and bring people back to God.
I continue to thank God for continuing to be so real to me, speaking to me through quiet time on my own walk, rebuking me whenever I sinned (just like how there was a time I sinned and as I prayed and asked for forgiveness, He spoke to me through John 21 and brought me a sign, bus 153, to assure me that I am forgiven) and how He spoke through my devotion when I asked if He is real.
Work
I also thank God for all the blessings He had given me, from a close-knitted department where every member of the department are so genuine, to close friends who are always there when I need them, to my promotion this year and also bonus. I also thank God for various favours at work too. I continue to be affirmed by people how I seemed to be doing well at this portfolio where the Lord has called me to 3 years ago. I thank God how I had been asked to share about volunteer programme management at forums and also publications. I thank God for seeing me through the recent fundraising project which had saw me falling terribly ill when things got a bit hectic and I was working for 12 hours or more a day. It was the most nightmarish period of my work life so much so there was one point in time I was walking about like a zombie and was hyperventilating, had trembling hands and even wanted to scream out in office… but thank God, I survived through it all and God provided volunteers for our project and how we managed to raised quite a substantial amount with the help of volunteers despite the economic crisis. I also thank God for encouraging me when people and volunteers shared with me their stories of how they and their families were blessed because of the volunteering experience. This year, I had also come to know how our volunteer programme has also helped someone come out of depression. Praise the Lord! Even though I had not been directly involved in the case of the volunteer coming out of depression, I thank God constantly for bringing me to this job and for letting me play a small part in such life-changing experiences from the volunteer programme. Little would I expect that volunteer programmes would also make a difference in volunteers’ lives themselves. I thank God for an understanding boss who is always so encouraging and understanding, someone who appreciates what I am doing and affirms me. I thank God for brothers and sisters-in-Christ at work who are focused on serving the Lord and who bless me with their skills and giftings at work, serving unselfishly. I thank God for seeing my colleague who has worked in the organization for more than 10 years now has accepted Christ and how she seemed to be growing well in the Lord and even encouraged me through devotion last week.
Rounding Up
As I round up my reflection for 2008, I look forward to 2009 with much hope and ask for God to continue to grant me wisdom and discernment in my ministry and interaction with others and ask that God also help me to continue have humility, courage to share and even confront, compassion for His people and also joy. One of my resolutions this year (I have long given up on a whole list of resolutions) is simply to care more for people rather than work. I feel guilty everytime I seemed to be so busy with this and that sometimes I neglected my family, friends and cell members and even strangers I meet. I resolve to be there for people this year. I guess it was a life-changing exercise I did during one of my volunteer management training which has helped me clarified that that was what matters most. We were asked to first write down our 10-15 years goal and then told to reprioritize them assuming we only had 3 years. Then subsequently we were to reflect on our goals if we only had 1 year left. I guess reality stared me in the eyes and clarified what mattered most… not money, not job, not promotion, but most of all, at peace with God and being there for people. I am not sure how successful I will be but I will try. Already, I thank God for helping me as I met up with a depressed friend this morning. I prayed to God before the meeting because I can be quite impatient with this friend, having said all I could say and having chastised him through the years. During Christmas, as I shopped for gift, I felt a prompting to buy a particular Christian book for this friend (although he is rather against Christianity and disliked being invited to church). I felt a prompting and even though I did not meet him during Christmas, still managed to pass his Christmas gift to him today. Even though he had not agreed to join me for service, I thank God he is reading the book I gave him and pray God will change his life and help him out of his depression.
May God keep me through 2009 and may I come out of it victoriously.
