Chronicles of a Discoverer...: 02/24/2008

Things have been going rather well recently...

Work-wise, things have been manageable and there may be some exciting developments at work
ECA-wise, I have managed to achieve quite a bit recently including putting together a feature-rich web community (even though I am still amazed how things turned out nicely in the end)
Ministry-wise, I am getting more visitors at cell.

So, I should be happy right?

To the contrary, I do not understand why despite having rested for a whole week, despite having a manageable workload recently, I just don't feel right... I am feeling very tired everyday and do not seem to be able to get enough rest; always tired.

Then at work, I started to find myself rather unmotivated to do anything and there are pockets of time when I can find myself doing nothing or choosing to do things slowly. It is really an irony; on one hand, I feel unmotivated to do anything but on the other hand I feel horribly guilty that I am "slacking away", taking things easy while others seem so busy. It's a complicated feeling. In fact, I am starting to feel guilty drawing a salary but yet working at such a pace, sometimes even doing some of my ECA stuff during little pockets of time when I just wanted to do something different.

Then, spiritually I am also starting to feel that I seem to be starting my spiritual dryness again and frankly, I am really worried too.

Maybe it is due to all the things that have happened recently and also my health; worrying whether things are OK and whether I need surgery. My leg started to hurt quite a bit today again and I was limping again.

I am not very sure why I am like that? Is it because I am not feeling well and am worried about my health and also a few other stuff? Is it because I am starting to lose interest at work? Is it because I am tired both at work and ministry or burnt out? Or is it because it is just normal that this period of time is a lull period at work? I don't know, I don't know.

Listen to this article

It has been an eventful week; there's so many things happening, both good and bad:

Let's start with the bad...

Health - I am really worried about my health. It has been a while and I have gone to the gym for quite a bit; I even joined my friend once for the Body Pump class which was really tough. But then, for a period, I started to feel better and surprisingly, I started to seemingly not like unhealthy food. Some even commented that I looked a little slimmer. But then, recently, my leg is starting to give me problem again and now, it seems it might be due to back problem. I am really worried whether this would require surgery because I hate surgeries. Doctor did say that I may need to live with it all my life if I choose not to go for surgery. Then, I also realised that I was getting real forgetful nowadays. Just last week, I forgot my office keys on one day, then I forgot to return the office keys and then on another day, I forgot to bring home my home keys. Now, I am losing my voice.
Relationship - Things are just getting very confusing and rather complicated
Irritating Commentator Auntie - Went to catch CJ7 with my friends yesterday and although it was a nice and touching show, it was totally ruined by a "commentator auntie" sitting behind me and who kept making comments throughout the show like "ooo, there's a UFO there", "oh, his father died", "so cute!" I got rather irritated with her and usually I will just ignore but I had to turn to her and ask her to keep quiet yesterday, twice. But sad to say, she went on :( Irritating inconsiderate auntie.
Friend's Cell - It is really painful seeing my friend going through pain in leading his cell and having to deal with two difficult characters. I can see how the whole thing is taking its toll on him and frankly, I am worried but I do not know what else I can do.
Tiredness @ Work - Maybe I need to be constantly challenged and excited in my work because I did find myself getting rather demoralised at work recently and I don't feel very good about it. In fact, felt quite bad that I missed a drama rehearsal at work too due to my MC. I had already decided that I will still make my way down to the rehearsal since the event is coming up and there is not much time to rehearse and I was generally OK by then. But then did have a little headache later and decided not to go. Although I needed to nurse the small headache, still felt bad and rather disappointed I missed the rehearsal and told them last minute I was not coming.
Meeting "the one who was beginning to hate me" - I am not very sure where to put this, whether under "bad" or "good". But then, I met this friend late one night after finishing a cell fellowship at a friend's house. I saw his car reversing into a parking lot and struggled with whether I should go forth to say "hi" to him. In the end, I decided that maybe I should just say "hi" and he was shocked to see me standing in front of the car. It was a rather superficial conversation e.g. "oh why are you here?" and then we parted ways.

I wanna thank God for:

Wonderful Friends - Wonderful friends who are always there for me... we went for a housewarming just last Sunday and had a swell time playing "Dilbert" board game, so fun!
Nice Colleagues - I thank God for nice colleagues too. Today when I came back to office after a week away on MC, was greeted by this tall paper cutout stitch with the words "Welcome back and hope you get well soon" pasted on my monitor.
Blessings @ Work - I thank God for also blessings at work and there are just some exciting developments comin along. I also thank God for a job offer from another organisation but then I rejected since I was called to this place but have yet sense that I am called to leave to elsewhere.
Rest - I thank God for a week's MC and also having been able to rest from preparing cell for the last 3 weeks. The rest was indeed timely although I soon found myself being rather bored not having much to do. Indeed, the week seemed to passed back real quick and I could not even remember how I spent my time.
Survived Work - I thank God I was able to survive work today, having came back from 1 week's MC. It was a bit stressful but then still managed to get many things done.
God Comforting Me - I thank God for comforting me on 12 Feb because I was feeling real lousy after a morning of many things going wrong within just an hour in the morning, including how I was dealing with feeling bad about forgetting to return my office key the day before, causing a colleague, who is shares my office in the morning, to make a wasted trip down but yet cannot enter because I had the key with me, then I had to deal with a SMS of a member telling me that he and his girlfriend is officially pulling out from my cell, then I realised I forgot to let a friend know how many people are going for CNY visit to her home that Friday, then I received a message from another friend who mentioned that she is not keen to talk things through with her former boyfriend when I tried to see if I can help them both to draw closure (latest is that things may still work out), then I was told that department devotion was cancelled (after I have spent some time to prepare for the session) and I was really disappointed. Talking about an eventful morning, all within an hour and things got so bad I remember myself saying "Lord, I just want to give up, I cannot stand it anymore! I have my own issues and I do not want to care about others anymore, it's tiring!" But then, I thank God for comforting me as I was led to blog about the session I was to lead that morning. By the time I finished blogging about it, I was amazed at the final result and how much I had been comforted by God throughout the whole process. In the end, I managed to draft out a simple devotion on what it means to be a Christian and that message itself ministered to me.
God Watching Over Me - Two weeks ago, I was running up the stairs at work and almost tripped over faced down. I really thank God that I managed to break the fall quickly and avoided being injured.
Web Community - I thank God for inspiration and also perseverance in working out a feature-rich web community for my professional association during the time I stayed at home on MC. It was really amazing to see how much was put together during the time; a whole web community designed with forum, shoutbox, private messaging, profiles and connections, web email, a RSVP system, library, links exchange etc. I am not really an IT trained person but sometimes it is just amazing how much God has blessed my hands when it comes to working with IT stuff, being able to grasp things quickly and do things creatively.
God Ministering through me - Throughout the past few weeks, I continue to see how God placed certain people in my life and I thank Him for using me to minister to these people. It becomes too much of a coincidence how things happen and to date, I can see how God is using me to reach out to at least 5 persons over the past 2 weeks, including a new visitor to my cell who I later realised have ever visited our former cell when it was under another leader. It seems that she has drifted away from God a little but then God has His plans in bringing her back. It is also amazing some of the things which I caught myself saying to some of these people, it becomes so clear that God was guiding the interactions. In fact, things are so clearly real, I am just hoping that I will keep being focused on God and that I can continue to play a part in His plans; it's just so exciting. No wonder Psalm 34:8a says "Taste and see that the LORD is good" because it is really true that once you experienced the Lord and be convinced of how great and real a God He is, you just want to continue to experience it.
Ministry - I always love serving communion on Sundays because it is on these Sundays that I will usually sit behind, in full view of the congregation and can see my cell members as they worshipped the Lord. It is really exhilarating seeing them growing spiritually and I always thank God for allowing me to be able to play a part in His ministry. In the same way, it seems that cell is going on quite fine and people are getting rather settled down, including a quiet visitor who used to go round visiting churches and cells and how he seem to be slowly opening up to others and settled down in cell. I thank God for giving me the courage to arrange to meet up with 3 other people separately and for also blessing the fellowship that there was no awkward silences, even though there had been in the past. The most amazing is how the first meeting with this quiet member turned out to be rather deep sharing during 14 Feb and that pretty much changed the way I interact with this brother-in-christ. I still remember before meeting him, I was all worried that I will having nothing to say to him because so far it had always been quiet between me and him. I remembered praying to God to ask Him to lead the conversation and it was really surprising the meeting became a deep sharing.
Awesome Worship - I thank God for awesome worship last Friday and Sunday and for the first time in many months, I have found myself to really be enjoying fellowship with God during worship; totally being oblivious to my surrounding and just worshipping Him in spirit and in truth.
Trying New Things - Over the past 2 weeks, I managed to try my hand at some new things, including a body pump class (which almost killed me), mahjong and also maybe acting during my upcoming staff appreciation dinner :) Am also contemplating whether I should try to dye my hair too, haven't tried before and would like to start with just a simple subtle brown.
Childhood Friend Married - Just met a childhood friend recently and learnt he was getting married on valentine's day, yoo hoo! So happy for him. Apparently, it seems that I met him and his wife the first time they were on a date and then again a day before their marriage. Hahaha, but still happy for him.