What's Up so Far?

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OK, it's been more than a week since I last blogged and I thought it might be a good time to just update a little on what happened. A lot has happened in this week or so.

Public Holiday, Personal Holiday
OK, I left off saying that I am at my wit's end the Thursday before and I was feeling very very down. That day also happened to be National Day and the public holiday really gave me a good opportunity to just nurse all the negative feelings I had.

That very morning, I was to go meet a group of friends from my JC class because a friend was in town, back from US, so we though of taking the chance to perhaps meet up. Having had a bad experience the night before (the sms which was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and made me decide to step down from CG leadership), I had trouble waking up and ended up back in bed for another hour before catching a taxi down to Katong to join my friends for breakfast. By the time I reached, I was about an hour late. Well I felt bad but then, I had a rough night.

The only photo I took before my camera went bonkers on me
Kaya toast with butter, yummy!

Anyway, breakfast was supposed to be this nostalgic affair, eating at the Chin Mee Chin Confectionary along Katong, which served kaya toast and breakfast old-fashioned style. However, when I arrived, I sensed some tension and apparently, it seemed that my friend (the one who rejected his birthday gift) seemed to be rather upset with the service by the confectionery. Well, true enough, when I sat down, I realised many people were sitting down at their tables waiting too, most of them had nothing on their tables. Then there was this group of people standing at the cashier and I just seem to feel that there is some kind of confusion, like people are all anticipating something. But then frankly, I felt that this friend of mine seems to have a little anger problem (see the time I felt he overreacted when he felt he was discriminated by the chicken rice seller) and just he can sometimes get sparked off quite easily, that's really quite worrying.

Anyway, after breakfast, we adjourned to my friend's sister's house where we stayed literally the whole day, having lunch, playing uno and monopoly together. We even watched the National Day Parade together with their family over TV and somehow I really enjoyed the parade this year. There was a kind of pride when I see the display of our military might and defence capability of our army, navy, air force, police and civil defense team. Somehow, it felt different watching the parade this year. Not sure is it because it is the first time it is held at Marina Bay or because I was watching with my friend's friend, who is non-Singaporean. But I truly enjoyed every moment of the parade and although I did not really enjoy the mass display by the community groups (it really seemed messy this time round), I really like how they made the whole parade seem so musical like. I enjoyed the songs "Will You" and "There's No Place I'd Rather Be", very heartwarming songs:





Anyway, I really enjoyed every moment of the fellowship with my friends and I almost forgot what was worrying me just a few hours ago. As we approached the end of the day, I had wished so much that the day won't end, because the very next day will be cell day and I was just in a bad shape to lead cell. But nonetheless, I thank God for the fellowship and also for sending my two friends to talk to me and encourage me on. During the afternoon, there was a window period when I got to talk to two of my friends about my struggles with cell leadership. Although I really appreciate their kind words of encouragement, however, the words did not really sink in because I was really tired. Many of the things I was told I already knew in my head but then in my heart, I have turned cold and just want to step down. Anyway, the day eventually came to an end and in a few hours, I had to face Friday again.

The Day the Lord Dealt with Me
You can imagine I went to work like a zombie the next day. I was not in the mood to work and soon Stitch-Giver sensed something was wrong. I shared with her my struggles. Then throughout the day, she would give me articles to encourage me and affirm me. But nothing seemed to be able to make me change my mind about my decision to step down. Not until towards the end of the day, when Stitch Giver gave me an article "Take Courage: You Build More Than You See", apparently by John Piper. I recall reading through the article and there are parts where I went "Ya right!" in anger and disappointment and sometimes even laughing in resentment. In my heart, I was angry with the Lord for allowing me to go through all these struggles and everytime I read something about God will bless people who follows His ways, I will remember going ""Ya right! If this is the case, why are You Lord allowing this to happen to me?!"". However, I remember how by the end of the article, I suddenly felt ministered to when I read in Haggai 2:1-9:

1 On the twenty-first day of the seventh month, the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai: 2 "Speak to Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, to Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and to the remnant of the people. Ask them, 3 'Who of you is left who saw this house in its former glory? How does it look to you now? Does it not seem to you like nothing? 4 But now be strong, O Zerubbabel,' declares the LORD. 'Be strong, O Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land,' declares the LORD, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the LORD Almighty. 5 'This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'

6 "This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. 7 I will shake all nations, and the desired of all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,' says the LORD Almighty. 8 'The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the LORD Almighty. 9 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."

It was as if God is speaking and reminding again (yet again since the last time I made the decision to step down and He spoke with Ruth 1:16). In short, the article spoke of how God will always be with the people who were building His temple and tells them not to fear as He is with them. There is also a second reminder that we should be quite to judge something we are doing for the Lord as paltry because whatever we do, He can bless it no matter how paltry we think it is, but if only we continue to work with Him. Never underestimate what you are doing for the Lord and you may be building more than you see.

As if the article was not enough, God continued to minister to me as I made my way to cell and at the bus-stop, I realised there was this Indian lady who was crying very bitterly as she was talking to a friend beside her. Whatever was bothering her must have really upset her a great deal for her to be crying in public. Now what is the chances of coming across a crying lady on the streets. Anyway, it soon hit me why am I so upset and depressed because there are people out there who are in more misery than myself. Then, when I arrived at cell, I made a decision to do something different and gathered those who were early to pray for the Holy Spirit to be amidst the cell to bless the cell session. Anyway, to cut a long story short, attendance that week was the highest and we had two visitors. And surprisingly, although with two visitors, I did not feel extremely uncomfortable and things just flowed smoothly and I just seemed to not be as tongue-tied as in the past. In fact, I also thank God for also sending a fellow CG member who affirmed me by sharing that he went through the same thing as I did and also cried out to God why God had placed him there but yet he was struggling with his ministry. Well, now he is playing very well in the music worship team. Thank God for the affirmation.

The Lord Puts Me on a Modular System
Call it coincidence or whatever but then I believe that God sees and is in control. God did indeed sent many people into my midst to affirm me and encourage me on and I thank these friends and God for them. In fact, another amazing thing, which is true till this date is that God seems to take me on a modular system in cell leadership, helping me to learn new things every week. It seems that whatever is covered for sermon that week, my life will have to deal with that issue for that week. So just like these two weeks, the sermon were on Psalm and how we should communicate our frank emotions to Him and boom! I struggled with anger with the Lord. These 2 weeks have made me realised how important it is to be honest with God in our hurts, disappointments, anger etc because He already knows. He can only deal with us as honest as we are with Him, just as how the Psalmist were sometimes so frank in their writings and "dealings" with the Lord.

Thanksgiving for the Week
Anyway, I still want to give thanks to the Lord for somethings that happened through the week:

• I thank God for giving me rest and good fellowship on National Day
• I thank God for sending people to encourage and affirm me
• I thank God for His encouragement through Stitch Giver, who passed me the article on Haggai
• I thank God who gave me the courage to take on devotion on Tuesday despite it not being my turn. I had learnt on Monday that my colleague who was supposed to lead devotion the next day was to be on MC and hence he would not be able to lead devotion the next day. I do not know what came over me (because under normal circumstances, I would not have volunteered to take devotion given I am always so "gan jiong" about doing devotions) but upon hearing that a pre-believing colleagues (who have not joined devotion for a very long time) will be joining us for the devotion the next day, I volunteered to cover the devotion. I thank God for a wonderful session; that even though it went on for an hour, there was meaningful sharing and some remarked that it was "one of the best devotions" so far. I give glory to God for watching over the session and for leading me to cover "My Heart, Christ's Home" that very morning. While we were chit-chatting a little later after the session and somehow someone asked her if she accepted Christ and this colleague actually said "not yet". This is so wonderful, it's a "not yet", which means it is a matter of time :)
• I thank God for watching over my colleague who went through a tough time coming to terms with his uncle's death. I thank God for the healing that has taken place in his heart to bid farewell to his uncle.
  
• I thank God for watching over my colleague who had a successful minor operation
• I thank God for the reminder that we can be spiritually impacting someone somehow
• I thank God for people returning to cell

The Girl
As for "the girl", well, I am still taking it a step at a time. There are just too many factors which makes me wonder if I am just being too sensitive. I really appreciate her for her nice personality (several times to the extent of being self-sacrificial). She is always helping people and has this innocence which makes her adorable. We also have had long chats and sms exchange before. In fact, I do know of at least one other person who is trying to pair us up (although I do not know if "the girl" knows). She is also a person who is very serious in her walk with God.

However, there are also a few things which make me just wondering if indeed there is any chance of relationship. For one, our age gap is huge. Then, she may be nice only because she is so with most friends. I have noticed that she can also be quite stubborn at times, which worries me :) because I am also stubborn. There were also two instances I was rather disappointed with her when she failed to keep one secret. There was also another time I was quite taken aback when I was walking with her and she can be messaging away, without even looking at me while we talk and walk (although I later learnt she is providing support to a friend).

Worries
I am not going to spend a large deal of time on this section but then recently there are a few things which are making me real concerned:

• The world seems to be going topsy turvy as I continue to hear news such as a Malaysian mother killing her child when he woke up and foiled the plan for her to get intimate with her lover in their car, when I heard how a few japanese youth tried to set homeless on fire, saying that they are the scum of this earth, when I heard about some korean volunteers being kidnapped by taliban terrorists. I can only continue to pray for the world
• I seem to be burning out both at work and also in church. Thank God for sending a brother-in-christ at work to remind that I may need a retreat, so we are planning a short spiritual retreat soon.
• My home, office, email and sms is getting real cluttered and messy and I haven't the time to clear them
• The sister-in-christ (who I lost my cool with) seems to be smsing me and asking my sister about me right after I sent her a happy national day sms.