It All Started with Gym

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BIG Investment
Yesterday, I made a BIG investment and when I mean BIG, it is rather a huge sum of money. With my leg pain going on for months now and doctor keep telling me it might be my weight problem, coupled with breathlessness, heart pains and also my tremendous weight increase over the past couple of months, I do agree that I needed to do something about my health before anything drastic happens. And so, when my colleague asked me along to their gym, I agreed because I do agree that I need to start on a health regime to get fit. But then, there is one BIG problem: the sum of money I need to part with, some $1700 for membership with California Fitness for 3 years. Though it works out to be about $48 per month, it is still a big sum to part with at one go.

Tussling with the Decision
Throughout the day, I tussled with the decision to sign up or not. On one hand, I need the workout and going to a gym with colleagues and friends might just do the trick since I have company and motivation. Also, I did not want to pull out when my friend has already helped to make the necessary arrangements to sign up with the rep in charge of her membership. And spending $1700 might just "force" me to use the gym because I had paid so much so I better use it. But then, it is still a large sum of money from the less than $10,000 savings I have saved. I remember saying late last year that I will try not to spend so much money in view of my dad's medical condition and our family financial circumstances.

Me and My Big Mouth
Then, to make matters worst, I had to have a big mouth and told KM that I was going to sign up for gym and will be spending $1700. She did try to discourage me from signing up because she feels it is a large sum of money and I could still exercise without the need to pay so much e.g. going to the sports hall gym or going to jog in the park so I can enjoy and marvel at God's creations while I jog. She even suggested that I go jogging with my dad and take the time to bond with him since he is constantly staying at home alone. She later sent me a mail to encourage me on and offered her condo gym and also sent me an SMS suggesting that I can also have healthy lifestyle with a few other cell members. All these definitely did not make the decision easy. Eventually, I still went ahead to sign up as a member nonetheless despite feeling the pinch and also not feeling very good that I am not heeding KM's advice.

Upset or not Upset?
I started my gym session that very night and even though I did very selective workouts, I must say that the workout had been good and for the first time in many months, I could sleep right through the night. In fact, I overslept till 8am the next morning, only to realise I only had 30 mins to prep and go to work. I did in the end share with her that I signed up for gym and I do not know why but then I said "sorry" to her, not wanting to upset her. I received a SMS reply the next day saying something to the effect "no need to say sorry and you have not done anything wrong and neither am I in the position to discourage". Though, it the SMS seemed OK, the phrase about not being in the position to discourage stared at me real hard and I was wondering if she is upset. I SMSed her a good morning message and for the whole day I did not receive any reply from her, which got me worried because it is unlike her. I remember checking my handphone every few minutes to see if there is a response but then to my dismay, none came. Then, I was to go to church for prayer meeting today and she did ask me yesterday (before the gym decision) whether I will want to join her and my sister for dinner before the prayer meeting.

And so, I got onto a cab and made my way to Pasir Ris to meet her. But then, what followed was a traumatic taxi ride which got me rather worried I would not survive the ride. My driver is a person who gets very agitated very easily. It did not help that we kept driving into traffic jams and throughout the journey, he kept honking at other drivers. Then, when the time came for the 4D numbers to be reported, he yanked up his radio volume till it was blasting at my ear and just as they started to report the winning numbers, the radio just fizzled out and that got him even madder. When finally we came to Downtown East, I requested to alight at the alighting point (which meant that the taxi needs to go through the car park gantry) and there he was again, being verbally very abusive, complaining that he has to slot the cashcard to get in rather than the gantry automatically detecting his card. Having survived the traumatic taxi ride, I came to the foodcourt and saw KM sitting alone there. I braced myself because I did not know how she is feeling and whether she is still upset or anything. I sat down and we did talk a little although I must admit I felt awkward most of the time. But then later, when she went to get her fish porridge and suggested to share the porridge (using separate bowls), that got me a little relieved since she does not seem to be upset with me. But later throughout the night, she seemed to always be talking to my sister and somehow I felt that her line of sight kept avoiding me. Maybe I am ultra sensitive but then I usually becomes very uncomfortable and affected whenever I sense that a relationship with a loved one is not right. In fact, I sensed that I started to be very quiet and also was in quite a bad mood.

Maybe She is Not Meant for Me
I do not know what it means but then the fact I felt so horrible goes to confirm one thing; that I might really have feeling for her. But then throughout the day, I struggled with my thoughts on the whole matter and a part of me feel sad that things turned out this way because I cherished her, no matter as a friend, a partner or as a sister-in-christ, but the other part of me kept telling me that she is not worth it if she is indeed feeling so upset over such a matter and how I should avoid going into relationships because it is matters of the heart like that that can vex me.

Anyway, on the way home in the cab with her and my sister, I was quiet most of the time and she kept talking to my sis; I did not know what to say. I remember telling myself that if she were to message me tonight, I will want to clear things with her because all these feelings are killing me. Well, she did message and apologized for neglecting me and asked for what she can pray for me. I took the chance to clear the air with her and she replied to say she is not upset. That got me a little happier knowing that she is OK. But not sure if things are going to be awkward still with her. I do not think I will ever express my feelings for her because I just do not want to jeopardize anything.

No More Upsetting Stuff Please
There were also other things which had made me somewhat upset this week. One of it is the cancellation of staff devotion again because everyone cited that "they are busy" and it is just disheartening seeing staff devotion cancelled again. Makes me wonder what priority is given to time with God and encouraging one another. I did send an email sharing my testimony about my cell ministry saga using the "Our Daily Bread" reading for the day from Psalm 127:1a "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain" and I did boldly share how I hope to see us coming together again to make time for staff devotion. And another minor thing which made me upset is how I witnessed how someone just conveniently walked past a donation bin, while I was talking to a volunteer, and took something away. For the first time, I plucked up courage and went up to the uncle and asked if I can help in anything. It is as if he knew what I was coming for and later threw the item back into the bin and disappeared. I am just disturbed how anyone can do something like that. I understand that some people are needy but there are proper channels to get help and not steal. I recognised that I have not been all a good boy so far and hope that the upsetting things will just end here.