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Catch-21 Situation
Have just came back from the polyclinic and it has been 2 months since I started having the pain in the leg. I must say I am getting a bit worried what could be the cause of the pain and despite having seen the doctor 2 times and a chinese sinseh once, my leg still hurt. Guess what, today went to the doctor and again, they told me that it might be because I am gaining too much weight causing my tendons to hurt.

But the problem I have now is that, this is a catch-21 situation... the more I am in pain, the more I dread going to exercise because the pain is quite bad, then the more I put on weight because not only am I not exercising, I am resorting to eating to comfort myself of the pain. It's really a horrible situation to be in and I know I need to do something about it. Just the other day in church, while at seated during the sermon, I accidentally drop my church bulletin and so I attempted to bend down to get it but then, my stomach was so huge it got in the way and it was difficult bending down to take the bulletin. Eventually, managed to reach it after a couple of attempts and I was panting a little from all the action. My friend sitting beside me was rather amazed seeing me in action and couldn't help but giggle a little. Then yesterday, a cell member came and told me that I seemed to have grown in the 2 weeks she has not seen me. And yes, I am getting more breathless each time I climb the stairs now... OK, think I really need to try to walk a little and watch my diet... at least, I will try to see how I can get out of this pain problem first.

Spiritual Attacks & Trials
As I reflected on the past and wondering, it seems that things may seem to be fitting together rather well. As much as I am getting a lot of confirmation about the calling to lead this cell to reach out to the broken, backslided and misled, even up till yesterday, I am also experiencing spiritual attacks... It became clear to me that if indeed God has called you to something, you can be sure that the devil will try to thwart His plans. So, as much as God was assuring me through the many quiet time, devotions, bible verses, people He sent to me, I also experienced much trials last year, including my leg pain, father's health, work stress and the falling apart of my cell. It all had to come at the same time, as if to discourage me from continuing in this ministry. I thank God that things seem to be brightening up recently... at least my dad seems OK now (last heard from him that his number of medical follow-ups are reducing), my work seems to be doing fine and cell ministry is picking up. The only exception is my leg but I am trusting in God to heal it in time to come. The attacks still came very strongly last week and even this week (when I have received an email asking if I am heeding someone's advice to connect to members on a more personal basis), making me doubt my calling and ability to lead cell. Somethings are becoming very clear that this is becoming spiritual warfare, similar to many testimonies I have heard from missionaries who described how things start to crumble (and often these are the very things we always fear will happen) when they respond to the call. But one thing is true is that God is faithful and things will eventually turn around.

At cell yesterday, we were studying Isaiah 54 and somehow, we got into a discussion about trials. We drew three conclusions and yes, based on my past experiences, I strongly believe that trials are there for a reason. Isaiah 54:15-17 reminds:

15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.

Indeed, God is the one who created the blacksmith who "fans the coals into flames" so that a weapon can be made, one which is fit for its work. And it became clear to me how indeed God may had allowed many challenges last year, some which brokened me, to build me perhaps for this current ministry. So firstly (a commonly cited reason for trials), trials are meant to prepare one for ministry. Indeed, I had seen how God has His plans for using me and my previous bad experiences (which was eventually addressed two years later) to understand and minister to others in the same position. Secondly, trials may also indicate that the devil is trying to put a stop to you responding to God's calling, which explained all the spiritual attacks I had experienced so far. Thirdly, trials can also point to something not being spiritually right, thus making us susceptible to attacks by the devil. Hence, we are told to put on the armour of God to protect us from attacks from the devil. Ephesians 6:10-18:

10. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15. and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

It became clear to me that and in my opinion:

1. Belt of Truth - Holding on to the truth that we have come to be revealed to for there are many false teachings out there that can sway us
2. Breastplate of Righteousness - Being righteous and holy, not in the eyes of man only but also in the eyes of God
3. Readiness - Being assured and ready to fight spiritual battles to save souls
4. Shield of Faith - Having faith in God that he will help us to withstand spiritual attacks and that in time, things will turn around
5. Helmet of Salvation - Being assured that we have our salvation worn around our head like a crown because of Christ's work on the cross, as long as we choose to come before Him in repentance
   
6. Sword of the Spirit - Being well versed in the Word of God so not only can God speak to us but also it will become a powerful weapon in spiritual battles. Jesus in Matthew 4 used scriptures to refute the devil when the devil attempted to tempt Him 3 times.
7. Pray in the Spirit and for all saints - Keep praying and believing in the power of prayer.

It was also trial which had brought my back from my spiritual wilderness when I have backslided for 15 years. My friend had mentioned that it took a crisis to bring me back to Christ and now thinking back, indeed it is true.

Thus, the realities of spiritual attacks have made me concerned for the cell and the church because the church has just unveiled its vision for this year. Over at the service last Sunday, it has become clear what purpose God has for Riverlife; reaching out and saving souls. And I just pray that God will watch over the cell and church as we continue to live out this calling because there is always the risk of spiritual attacks.

Thanksgiving for Cell
Yesterday was just awesome, though it was also nerve-wrecking. I was all worried about cell starting from Wednesday and on Thursday night, I could not sleep well because there was to be 4 new visitors who will be coming to visit cell. I am just worried that I will not perform well but yet, on the other hand, I am trusting God to bring the right people to cell and if they are meant to stay, they will. And yesterday was just amazing. I thank God for:

• How from a cell of 5 core members, yesterday we suddenly had 8 visitors, including my Area Overseer and his wife who is visiting for the first time and a friend who I have been praying to come back to the Lord. Then, last Sunday, a former visitor who were friends of the member who gave me a kick in the butt messaged me to say that she will be coming too. This was indeed a surprise because I would have expected her to go along with her friends and not stay in this cell. But yesterday, she shared how she seem to hear from the Lord to stay in this cell despite her friends are moving away. God seems to be blessing the cell and I sincerely thank God for that. It had been a long time since I have had such atmosphere in cell of people fellowshipping together. It had always been quiet in the past with just 5 persons.
  
• I thank God for working through me and even though I felt I was a little long-winded yesterday, things just flowed... from ice-breaker to prayer to word discussion, worship etc and I was extra extroverted yesterday and I do not know why. And things just seemed to fit together nicely. Despite having my AO and his wife here, I thank God that I was able to keep my calm (although I started off real nervous). I thank God for giving me the inspiration to base yesterday's discussion on Isaiah 54 and it was wonderful how we could have expounded on just that one chapter.I thank God for bringing me to buy a little small book on facilitating bible-study on Thursday which had paved the way for me to facilitate yesterday's session. The little book was timely because I had always been looking for books which can help me in the skills aspect of cell ministry and not so much how a leader should be like. I have found the latter to have made me depressed because I just could not live up to some of them. I strongly believe that God had meant for leaders of all types to lead His people and as such, why should we put all leaders into a mould. Rather, equip them with the skills for them to shepherd their people for God.
  
• I thank God for wonderful worship session and although we do not have a guitarist, it has been some time since I last heard a body of more than 5 people sing praises and worshipping God.
  
• I thank God for the wonderful fellowship we have had and for God bringing the right people yesterday to just create the atmosphere for that. I thank God for bringing my AO's wife (who is a friendly person). Although it is her first time, I am thanking God for bringing her there yesterday to help with lightening the atmosphere. Surprisingly, everyone also seemed to be hospitable to one another. We had also celebrated the birthday for one of our members and it was really funny seeing how someone had put those relightable candles on the cake and to see him struggle with blowing out the candles :)
  
• I thank God for the dinner prepared for me and my sister by the girl who I was interested in. Well, it was a nice feeling sitting down together eating homecooked dinner before cell, just the three of us. But, I must remind myself that I should not have unrealistic expectations and just allow things to develop naturally.

Other Thanksgiving
I also thank God for:

• my father's operation being OK despite doctor warning of risks. He went for cataract operation on Thursday and is well and resting at home now.
• timeliness of things because I was supposed to chair a meeting for my volunteer coordinators on Thursday but this was postponed to the end of the month. I then later learnt that my dad's op is to be on Thursday and hence I could apply leave to be with my dad
• my boss' understanding to allow me to be excused from work on Thursday to be with my dad because I applied for leave last minute
• my sister coming back safely from her holiday trip to Hong Kong because she told me that the ferry before and after her ferry to Macau collided. Thank God for journey's mercies.
• for a brother-in-christ who have been supporting me spiritually and sending me the daily bible reading plan without fail. Even though I am still struggling to have QT everyday, it does help and I still do try to do QT and Qt had been wonderful. I pray for God's blessings for this brother.
• for working with my emotions and making me all so excited when I was down because staff devotion was cancelled on Tuesday. Just as I was all down and hoped that people will remember to have time for God and not let work take over priority, I decided to just copy and paste the "Our Daily Bread" article and send to them and guess what, the article is on connecting and drawing to God.
• for continuing to bless my work and moderating my workload everyday because it is amazing how I was still able to finish stuff even though I had put my work aside for days to concentrate on developing workflow for my department for an upcoming audit.
  
• for using me this week to provide support and share testimonies with at least 3 people and also realising that some people are coming to this blog from other parts of the world. I hope this blog will also encourage many spiritually.
• for yet another confirmation at the Heidi Baker's conference on last Sunday about my and the cell's calling, from the parable of the Great Banquet from Luke 14:12-14 and also from the parable of the great banquet (Luke 14:15-24).
  
• for making me come to realization again my concern for the lost, both at church and at the Heidi Baker's conference on last Sunday. It is not something from me but I begin to sense anguish and lost for people who are suffering (though I sometimes do not know what I should do and can only pray).
  
• for speaking about one's own responsibility for spiritual growth at the sunday service, hoping that this will minister to the heart of the person who I was having a debate about taking up spiritual responsibility for one's own growth the night before.
  
• for working in a conflict in my department between two colleagues. I pray that You will continue to bless the relationship and allow the strain to be worked out. I thank God for working in the heart of at least one of them and thank God there was no overreacting on the spot.
• for God reminding me that my current life circumstances are not the worst so much so I should wallow in self-pity.