Is It Supposed to be So?

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I have just returned from my Area Overseer's Christmas party, something which he threw for all his 3 cell groups. It was great fun and I truly enjoyed the people, the songs, the games, the food etc. I would say that the party went pretty well and I had my fair share of laughs and just kept laughing and laughing as my partner, another guy and I were trying to act out "birth of Christ". I did not know what to expect and he just told me to sit back and relax and then he dived out and started to cry, boy was that really dramatic. Only then did I realised I was Mary, I just kept laughing and laughing, boy was that scene hilarious and classic :)

Then, the carolling went well as we even tried to sing parts and when the person leading tried to sing "Silent Night" with "Stand by Me". Sometimes, there just come a time when a song touches you and so far, there are 2 very heartwarming Christmas songs which are just wonderful... one of it is a song I had liked since a long time ago (though we did not sing it today), "Grown-Up Christmas List" and another song, "We Are the Reason", both sounded so lovely.

Grown-Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

[Chorus:]
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul

[Chorus]

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth

[Chorus]

We Are the Reason

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find

But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

I also thanked God for my segment of the games going well when everyone came together to make their own Christmas tree. It's just amazing seeing their masterpieces in just 10 minutes! I was real worried it will not turn out well and frankly, there was even one point in time when I shared a joke and hardly anyone caught it (well, I guess sometimes when different people share jokes, it has different effect and for me, I am just not the kind who can make people laugh, kind of disappointing but then I recognise that it is just not "me" la). Lastly, the gift exchange was wonderful, first we all drew our gifts and then everyone was given the chance, one by one to "exchange" gifts with each other and finally, after opening the gifts, a group of lucky 7 got to exchange one final time... it was so fun seeing how people going around to "stalk" others to change gifts while others can only look in "disbelief" as their stuff was exchanged :) all in the name of fun...

So it was a wonderful night but then what I feared most indeed happened. I had tell myself that I will try not to get disheartened in anyway when I see the other cell groups but then the fact is, I felt alone the moment I stepped in. Other cells had tonnes and tonnes of people and I only had like 4. I did not want to mingle around really and just wanted to hide in a small corner and just watch the party go by, somehow, not in the mood today to interact. Several times when people ask me where my cell members are, I did not know how to respond. It hurts more to even see how everyone was enjoying one another's' company, having fun and being crazy together while I am reminded how my cell is now... Every single thing pricked my heart and made me feel hurt... from:

• people asking me how many cell members are coming (I only have 4) as compared to about 15 each cell from the other two cells.
  
• seeing how the members from the other cell groups were so close to each other and so crazy with one another, having fun,
  
• carolling and making me realised that it had been a long time since I last had someone played the guitar during worship (though I know it is the heart, not the music that matters) since we had been singing acapella, but I do miss worship that way which prepares the hearts and allow everyone to worship and praise God while setting the stage for cell discussion,
• celebrating birthday of some cell members with cakes and such and it had been a long time since we last celebrated with much fanfare and fellowship
• seeing people pass on a card to appreciate their cell leader (I do not serve for such thing but then the thought would indeed be sweet)
• seeing my cell members and not knowing what to say, somewhat feeling horrible that I am not able to provide them with this kind of fellowship and camaraderie in cell
  

I am sorry but then, it am feeling horrible once again... I do not know why I am always going back to this mode? Is my cell going to be like that forever? Is it the purpose of God that He wants my cell to be different? I have to admit that sometimes, all these just make me wonder if God is real? I know God is real but then sometimes, (maybe the devil is responsible) some thoughts in your mind just goes "maybe He is not real, it is just a figment of your imagination, so are all these struggle worth it? If He is not real, then why bother?" But I know He is real because there are just so many instances of experiencing Him at work in my everyday life but this itself does not stop such thoughts from creeping into my head.

On a side note, I managed to gift-wrap most of my presents and I am feeling all so great about it. Also designed a mini card for every gift and written messages to everyone... I think I did write something to "the one" to hint a bit, something to the effect that I would like to be able to care for her as she had done so for me and others". Don't know how things are going to turn out la, she may get the hint , she may not get the hint but then what if she is not keen in me? Will that jeopardise anything? Maybe, I am just thinking too much or maybe I should not go into a relationship since I fear so many things.