2007: Naughty or Nice?

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2007 is coming to an end and it does set me in a rather reflective mood. Yes, I am thankful:

• Thankful for the bonus I have just received;
  
• Thankful for my job because as I sat through an interview by two youth who wanted to know more about my work, I just enjoyed every moment as I spoke about my job;
  
• Thankful for the upcoming leave because I have come to realise how much I wanted to just kick back and relax; from work, from ministry, from everything which had kept me busy and needed my attention so far;
• Thankful to God for all the ideas and inspiration at work which just seems to pop up, even while I am ironing my clothes
• Thankful for all the friends and gifts I have got
  

Captives of Sin
But frankly, I had not been all that nice towards the end of 2007 and somehow I do not like it. Somehow, it adds a new dimension to the understanding of the verse from Romans 7:

14. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 . I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

As I had said, I haven't been all that nice and forgiving and I do not like it. And I hear myself asking God to just purify my heart and just to chase away anything unholy. It really becomes puzzling how I can end up doing things that I do not want to do. In the end, everything just feels so unright to the extent I just felt distanced from God. Then, I remember how I have ever reminded people that God did not send Jesus to die on the cross for our sins only to have us feeling all ashamed of our sins and turn away from Him. As long as we come with a repentant heart and lay it down at His feet (though that does not cancel out the consequences of the sin), God forgives; that we will no longer be captive to sin (Romans 6:19-23). (Picture "Old Ball and Chain Series 1" by ctechs)

"Your Ministry will not be Easy"
Then, at prayer meeting on Wednesday, I seem to sense that God is telling me my ministry will not be easy... I do not know how I get this sense but then I just did. Wow, boy does that really worry me... I mean, what?! Am I going to be like Jeremiah who just toils and people's heart just do not turn back to God? Frankly, I am not the bit keen about this and I did pray to God that let not this be the case because I want to see hearts turn back to Him and I rejoice in that; I do not want a part in a tough ministry like this. A bit selfish but then I just cannot stomach a tough ministry as such.

Bad Ending for the Week
Well, the week's almost coming to an end and somehow I just wish for it to be over soon. The past few days haven't been easy and once again I was feeling all discouraged ONCE AGAIN about ministry. The sense I get from God about ministry not being easy is not encouraging. And then, I went to prayer meeting on Wednesday and felt all alone and lonely because I did not see any familiar faces there and it was just a lonely feeling going to prayer meeting alone. Then, adjourned at the end of the meeting alone to Burger King for dinner and it was again a horrendous feeling sitting and eating alone while seeing a couple enjoying each other's company opposite of me. Kind of make me wonder about my own "non-existent" love life. Call me a weakling or whatever but then I am just still not sure about the possibility of a relationship with "the one". Somehow I just feel there is a emotional barrier that I cannot get through to her. I am also afraid that if I were to express my feelings for her, she might just shy away... there are a lot of "what ifs" that I fear; I do not want to jeopardize our friendship or anything. Maybe I just appreciate her personality as a friend? (Picture "The Park Bench 2" by toasty5)

Then, yesterday, I decided to go do some last minute Christmas shopping but the evening turned out to be anything except joyful. Already feeling a little unright with God and distant from Him, I went to the Concourse to get some stuff for Saturday's Christmas party, then rushed down to TecMan in Bras Basah hoping to get some Christmas presents for my cell members. I arrived to only find it closing and so I thought maybe I should just go Life bookshop in Suntec since TecMan is closing. Made my way to Suntec only to find that Life bookshop is no longer there. Feeling rather rotten now, my sister SMSed me to say she was not feeling well. Silly me, still engrossed with shopping, took up my handphone, called her, asked her how she was feeling and then quickly turned the topic around to ask her if she knew what was one of our cell member's favourite colour. Think my sister got rather upset that I was so "concerned" for her and I felt horrible having done that to her. Then, as if the evening was not depressing enough, later came the news that my uncle had passed away suddenly. All these while, I thought that Christmas shopping is supposed to be a happy affair but then it turned out to be everything except joyous.

Then today, I decided to apply for half day's leave to go to my uncle's wake and also do somemore last minute shopping at TecMan for my cell members. For my uncle's wake, it is just puzzling that even though I am not very close to him, I was somewhat affected by it. In fact, I think I was more affected by a loved one and how I felt she was placing her priorities in her life all in the wrong things, than by my uncle's death. It had been an age-old disappointment that just keeps adding up.

After the wake, I made my way to TecMan again to do my Christmas shopping. Boy, did I suddenly realised I spend quite a bit on Christmas shopping this year, some $400 for all the gifts. I just kept swiping and swiping my card. But then, I did enjoy myself shopping for my JC friends, finding a sense of achievement going around to look out for useful things that they would like. I will not say the same thing for Christmas shopping for my cell group members though. On one hand, I would like to bless them with something (even if they are moving off from my cell) and kept praying that God will bring me to the right book/gift for each member but on the other hand, I hear myself asking "do they even appreciate your gesture?", the same thing I wondered as I limped my way to get birthday gifts for a couple who just stopped coming to cell and responding to my messages. I don't know. But then one thing I know is, short of sounding so holy holy, there is a part in me which just want to bless them even as they go away from my cell. (Picture "Best Wishes 1" by lusi)