At the Breaking Point

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"The break's so near but yet so far" - Maybe that's how I can describe how I feel now...

Been a real hectic week and despite finishing work at 6 plus everyday, the sheer mental stress of handling the volunteer management for disaster relief is really great and even after having 7-8 hours of sleep, I still crawl out of bed feeling all lethargic and all. But at least, I have come to realise how it is really not easy working in a crisis relief situation; tempers flare up and the feeling that you need to act with urgency because lives are at stake. So, I do thank God that I am only handling volunteers and even though, only volunteers for a fundraising event in aid of the victims of the Myanmar Cyclone Disaster. I really do not think I can be able to handle volunteers for crisis relief projects... at least not now.

On Thursday, I had a call from a member of public which almost made me implode... As I was talking to him on the phone, my blood was boiling and I was on the verge of exploding when a colleague friend walked in and was trying to help me cool down. The person on the other line seemed very "ya-ya" and said that it is a waste that we do not send him over to Myanmar to help with loading and unloading relief items from the plane because he has skills in this area. He kept going on and on. I explained to him that we are not sending any relief team up there now because of the difficulty of getting there but then he gave me the "I am right listen to me" kind of attitude, keeps insisting that we should send up relief items and team up there. He even challenged me how I got my manager position and mentioned sarcastic remarks about how my organisation can be better well-known if we just send reporters to take pictures of us doing work and just publicizing these photos. Anyway, I do not know how to describe his tone but then it was pure hostile and sarcastic. I almost exploded. Then, later the next day, I had a volunteer call me to complain that our staff were late. This volunteer was scheduled to help out with the first shift and he was there but could not find our booth. Apparently, he got quite upset when our staff failed to turn up 10 minutes later and called to complain and also tell me that he is "not interested" in helping anymore and would be leaving. Frankly, I am not the least happy that this has happened? What happened to the staff? Why are they late? Why couldn't they call the volunteer to just inform him that they are late? I was fuming with this incident and was thinking "is this what I get sometimes for helping you all find volunteers, only to end up having to clear up your mess when you mess up?" I was really disappointed and angry. Who wouldn't be after having scolded by someone for something not of your doing?

But anyway, there are lighter moments too amidst all these stress. Just like how when doing the fundraising on Thursday, I come to realise how Singaporeans can be so giving too... I can see most people donating $10 and some even donate $50. And I also had a burmese mother who came to volunteer for a whole 8 hours... standing there with her twin daughters, encouraging the public to donate. I have had the chance to speak to a cheerful senior gentleman who has, without fail, come on board to help us with our fundraisers year after year with his wife. It was really wonderful talking to him and sensing that kind of passion that he exudes. Just yesterday, while we were consolidating the funds raised, someone also found a $10,000 note and wow, boy is that the first time many of us see a $10,000 note so it is not surprising some were wondering what currency it is and whether it is real :D Well, I wasn't there so I didn't get to see it :(

I am also thankful for a group of friends who I managed to find time to hang out with this week, even though it is just for a while. It is always great being able to meet up with friends and sitting down to chit-chat after a long day's work. I am also thankful for two little small dumplings I have received from friends and frankly, I feel loved by the little gesture. Thanks!

I also thank God for blessing cell yesterday. Frankly, I haven't the time to prepare for cell at all, except for the brief half an hour I had yesterday just before heading to cell. So, on one hand, I thanked God for helping me pull through the week, on the other hand, I was really worried about cell, especially when it was on a topic which I struggle with too: honouring your parents (and people of authority). Yes, there were awkward silence here and there but then in fact, even though I did not prepare questions, I thank God how some actually took the effort and even courage to share some of their struggles in this area and encourage one another... in the words of a members during supper time, it was "deeper sharing" today. And deep within me, I was thanking God for helping with the session because I was really exhausted by this time, I did not have any more energy for anything. Boy, am I looking forward to the trip this Sunday to Langkawi; to run away from everything. Even though I know it is just a short break away and I will still have to come back to reality and all my responsibilities in about 10 day's time, my body was still welcoming the break... as if screaming for rest. So, as I checked off the last item on my to-do list and typed an email to my colleague on what work needed to be covered during the time I will be absent from work, it was a little relieving.

Then today, I was on the phone with my former leader and she was trying to hint to me about my relationship with KM, asking how it is and how the other party is waiting and being the guy, I needed to follow-up. Frankly, this came as a surprise to me because I had previously decided "officially" to close case with her but then now I am hearing that the other party is waiting... confused... I need some time away to think, especially about how I am going to address the issue how she sometimes, unintentionally, makes me feel bad about myself as a leader when she tries to be helpful. Not her fault but then more of my own issue.

Found an old hymn I used to sing and sang it in cell... touching song:

Father I Thank You


Father, I thank You for all that You've done.
You gave Your Son freely for me.
And I praise You for calling me, drawing me near.
Out of blindness You caused me to see.

Spirit of life, You're God's holy fire.
You've kindled my heart with Your blaze.
And I know You're refining me, changing my life.
And by faith You're revealing Your ways.

Jesus, I need You as Lord of my life.
I give all I have unto You.
Lord, I want to come under Your heavenly hand,
And to praise You in all that I do.