Meet Me at the Well

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The Tiredness
I am really very tired and I do not even know why? I can be sleeping for 8 hours but
then still feel tired... in fact, mornings are the most horrible when I struggle to get out of bed.

• Work-wise, I am coping rather well and I can even remember it being worst in the past, so it does not make sense I am tired.
• Ministry-wise, I had also been through worst last year with all the struggles.
• And after the tiring week a couple of weeks ago, I am having more evenings to myself now and having more time to rest.
  

So why am I so tired?

The Answer
It didn't become clear to me until I got my hands on a book last week... and yet, it's an unlikely book that I bought.

I was meeting some former JC friends for dinner and while waiting for the rest, one of my friends suggested dropping by Times the bookstore because he needed to get a book. And so we went but little did I expect to get any books. In the end, my friend did not get his book but I got a book for myself... a most unlike book because:

• Firstly, I did not intend to get a book, just wanted to accompany my friend,
  
• Secondly, little would I expect to get a Christian book in a bookstore like Times,
• Thirdly, the book is a book written for woman

But nonetheless, the book kind of spoke to me as I picked it up as I read behind...

• "Ever wanted to crawl into a hole and cry?"
  Well not as bad yet but yes, on some days
• "Virelle felt the crushing impact of people depending on her, even when she had nothing left to give"
  Well, for me it's not that bad but then I do not understand why I sometimes feel so drained out with people and burdened by their spiritual walk. In fact, I did no even understand why I am less sensitive to people and show less compassion to people nowadays.
• "That's when God stepped in. Just as Jesus did when He met the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4..."
  Yes God, I long for You and to walk close to You again. I once felt that I was walking close to You but nowadays, it seems like futile trying to keep up with my quiet time and prayers but then yet I feel so far away, not knowing why. Well, maybe it is my waywardness which has caused me to be distanced from God but then God, I long to walk with You and experience You again in my life, just as before... I long to be refreshed by You as You had refreshed the Samaritan woman.
• "If you are a caretaker for everyone but yourself, grab this book, a journal, and a few moments of your day to meet with Jesus. Refresh your soul at His well of Living Water."
  OK, I need to get this book.

I seldom feel this way about books because I always joke with others that despite being a student librarian for many many years and had even served as president and vice-president of the club a couple of times, I do not read at all; I am, well, not an avid reader. But this book spoke and I decided I needed to get the book despite it being written for woman, I didn't care even if you caught me reading it on the bus because I really needed refreshing from the Lord. But thank God the book does not look feminine in any way; at least it is not bright pink or anything but a soothing green with the picture of a wooden bucket, with the words "Meet Me At the Well" at the top, as if God was giving me instructions to journey with Him to the well, where He will refresh me... dare I miss this ticket? (Right, "Meet Me at the Well" by Virelle Kidder")

Hmm, a side note... first it was the aqua aerobics and now a woman's book.... hmmm hahahaha...

What Well Have You Been Drinking From?
OK, it is a few days of reading it now and reading the devotion on the first day has set me thinking about why I might be feeling so distant from God and so empty... On the first day's devotion, Virelle wrote:

"Take a moment and list in your personal prayer journal all the things that drain you..."
Well... I was sitting beside the bus stop waiting for my bus home as I pondered this question and indeed, there were a lot of things draining me but then these can be summarized into two words: "anger" and "waywardness".

I have to agree that I had been dealing with quite a bit of anger issues over the last few weeks and one had even made me "blare out" my displeasure with a "former" cell member to KM when we were talking over the phone on Sunday. The reason I used the word "former" is because there had not been a confirmation whether this member is in or out of my cell but he has not been coming to cell for a very very long time now...

But last week, something happened which made me feel really really lousy... I was at a combined fellowship event with my fellow leader's cell and I had earlier messaged everyone in my cell about the event. Despite asking everyone if they are coming, I had not heard anything from this member. The next thing I know, I learnt from someone from the other cell that he is coming. And subsequently, when he turned up, I just stood in one corner, not knowing how to interact with him. Yes, I was utterly disappointed that he chose to ignore me and this is not the first time. Yet I did not want to go over to greet him, like a hypocrite, as if nothing happened.

On one hand, I worry about his and his wife's spiritual growth and kept them on our cell's mailing list because I know they have not settled into any cell. But, on the other hand, I struggled to talk to him about it because I know he is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do and plus I have had several bad experiences with him; one being the SMS incident and in another, I was so mad with him when he "immaturely" bad-mouthed my boss and my organisation (where he was also working in) in front of many people, despite me knowing how my boss is like and the work my organisation is doing. Yes, it has been a long long time but I am still hurt and angry. I just did not understand why there is such people? And whenever I SMS him, most of the time, there is no reply. Then, I had to deal with anger with KM, with E, with my sister, with myself. Yes, anger seems to be dominating my life these few weeks and I don't feel good about it at all...

I am drained by:

• my work:
  while it is still enjoyable, I just seem a little burnt out and tired.
  
• my ministry:
  I am increasingly feeling inadequate again and sometimes feel that I am not doing enough to help my members to grow... there's so far 4 who have not been coming to cell and I had not been able to pluck up the courage to talk to them about it, 3 new visitors who are not regular and again I have not the courage to follow-up with them, 1 who had been saved last year but yet has not even visited my cell once and I had done another about it and 1 seems to be stagnating in cell (and the danger of moving out of this cell and church), looking all bored and when asked if he has anything to share, he would say "no". And I couldn't help but feel bad when again I felt led to organise a brief prayer meeting after second service on Sunday but in the end, 2 were engaged in ministry so cannot come, 2 forgot, 1 could not join us because she had went for the first service and 1 suddenly tell me he is in another church that day.
  
• my family:
  There are just some things which could be better and I sometimes ask God why I am placed in this situation.
  
• myself:
  Disappointed with myself for seemingly being busy and having a thousand and one things on my mind that sometimes I become insensitive to other's feelings e.g. how I had not been sensitive enough to actually allow for someone to arrange for a movie outing during the combined fellowship last Friday and how I was not sensitive enough to not finish the popiah made by my cell member's mum and leaving with my members for dinner... how could I?!
  
• my health:
  The pain is all coming back to me now again and I am limping all over again. Just last Sunday, I had fell off a chair and hurt not only my back but also my left wrist, which was suffering from strained tendons... the fall had caused a bit of pain on my back and wrist and this is really draining my energy everyday, coping with the pain.
  
• my relationship:
  I really do not know where I am going with KM. In fact, I felt angry with KM again last Sunday, even though she shared with me, in good intention, about how it was not ideal to leave for a movie amidst the combined fellowship last week, thinking "who are you to tell me?".
  
• my spiritual walk:
  My waywardness to the Lord and letting myself again and again break His commandments e.g. with anger etc
  

I have come to a stage I do not even know where I am heading... I can be so tired on some days but not even know what made me so tired? I think I really need a break from everything and yes, I am scheduling a little trip to Langkawi mid May and can't wait for the break away from everything, from all obligations and a time in which I can have to myself, a time in which I can re-orientate myself with God.

How Thirsty Are You?
Then, Virelle Kidder went on:
"Tell God what you are thirsty for. Is it rest? Comfort? Order in your chaotic world, wisdom to make tough decisions, grace to let go, acceptance of unwanted change in your life? Don't try to dress things up in church clothes. Pour out your complaint to God and cry or rail on His shoulder. He loves you and He will listen."

What am I thirsty of? God, I am thirsty of rest, I am thirsty of wanting to walk closer to You again and see You at work everyday of my life, I am thirsty for Your forgiveness in all the things I have done wrong, I am thirsty that I may do your work, I am thirsty for grace and forgiveness to forgive others for all the hurts they have caused me, I am thirsty for forgiveness foe myself, I am thirsty for You to guide my life as before and help me to deal with the temptation to be wayward.

I became clear that not getting right with God has

Refiners's Fire

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Create in me a Clean Heart

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me