Stubborn Mule!

Listen to this article

Thanksgiving
First let me start off with thanksgiving:

I thank God for:

• Blessing me with colleagues & wonderful working relationships - continuing to bless my working relationship with my colleagues and how we seem to be working together rather well. It has been a long way since I first came to this organisation. I am always fearful about joining new organisations because I always take a very very long time to warm up to people but then over the last 2 and a half years, I have grown to be comfortable with my colleagues, some even became friends. Thank you God for blessing me with wonderful colleagues and for watching over our working relationships.
• Blessing me with genuine friendships - continuing to bless me with friends and genuine friendship; people who I am comfortable to be around and who I can just be who I am, without guard, when I am with them. Yes, there are one or two friends who would come along the way to disappoint me but then I still thank God, besides these one or two "black sheeps", for putting around me nice people. I have again come to realise it when I met a friend for "swimming" last week. Even though I have not known this friend for a long time, but then I really appreciate friends like him who cares enough to be a friend; this friend took time to teach me how to swim and is so patient with me even though I seem to take forever to learn, given my fear of water after almost drowning a few years back. This brother-in-christ has also spoke into my life during a spiritual retreat I had with him. So, I thank God for Stitch-Giver, my JC friends and the many who have made an impact in my life.
• Reminding me why I am where I am - Thank God for reminding me how I am also making a difference in my job, despite working in a care setting in an backend role. I have come to realise this recently when a volunteer sent me a compilation of touching "human interest stories" that she has written, based on what she has encountered during a fundraising project they did for us end of last year for us. I had thought that it was a simple project but she had proved me wrong, with the many heartwarming stories she had written, sharing insights she gain about others' lives when their paths crossed during the project. The stories were so heartwarming that it almost brought tears to my eyes as I was reading it. And what's more, she even told me that she and her team are keen to come back to do the same thing annually. But, I do feel kind of guilty that I wasn't able to be more appreciative of their team when they were engaging in the project. But nonetheless, thank God for the reminder again.
  
• Watching over my leading of cell - I thank God for watching over my leading of cell last week even though I felt that it could have been better. Just about two hours before cell, I received a sms informing that I might have a visitor to my cell and this visitor had previously had a "fallout" with my fellow cell leader, because he always seems to be "challenging" leaders about their bible knowledge. So you could imagine how anxious I was when I learn that he is coming. But nonetheless, I prayed and told God that I am leaving it in His hands and thank God that he did not challenge me during the session at all. I also thank God for bringing people to the cell and one of them even had exams the next morning.
• Thank you card - I thank God for a thank you card I received from a child. For many, this might be no big deal but this is the first thank you card I receive from a child, and I do not even think I did much to deserve it. A friend had recently requested for prayers as she was working with the ministry to make arrangements to care for a child from a children's home. I did pray but then I have to confess I didn't really put in much effort to it. But nonetheless, I am still grateful for the little card bearing a child's handwriting, penning the words, "thank you uncle codfishy"

It All Started with Hand Foot Mouth Disease...
No, I do not have HFMD but then recently, a request for volunteer from a childcare colleague has somewhat made me a little upset. For a long time, I have been working with the various centres under our organisation to get them to consider partnership with volunteers. Traditionally, the childcare centres do not partner volunteers. So you can imagine the thrill I had when I received this request for volunteer from this childcare centre; as if showing that the childcare centres are slowly opening up to the idea of partnering volunteers. But then, there is a problem: in view of the current outbreak of HFMD, the centre has requested for volunteers to help with cleaning the center and sanitizing the toys. In view of the health risk, it did set alarm bells ringing and I started to ask the centre manager questions such as "what risks are there if a volunteer comes in", "how do we address these risks", "do we have insurance in the case volunteers fall ill from engaging in this volunteer assignment". The manager could not answer me and suggested I check with my director.

Well, one thing led to another. First, I checked with my boss, then we went up to check with our finance director and I ended up being "bombarded" left and right by her on why I am approaching her when I should be confirming with the programme department on the role of volunteer first before we can talk about insurance. Well, I do agree with what she said but then, I did not take to her way of "bombarding" me and that got me quite upset. This is not the first time I spoke to her and I always end up being "challenged" by her (I really wonder where is grace?). I felt so stupid standing there being bombarded by her and my mind was a total blank that I could not defend myself.

Then, I went to check with the Programme Department and at the end of the day, it was decided that we will not pursue this matter in view of the healthcare risk; volunteers may get infected or even bring in diseases when they come to the centre. I do thank God for this incident because it did bring up an issue which I have started to look into in volunteer resources management: infection control. But then, the whole incident got blown up a little and in the end, I could tell that the centre manager was not very happy and emailed to say that she is withdrawing her request. She also expressed to me how she do not understand why a simple request has warrant attention by so many parties. I did not feel very good about this incident (especially after being "bombarded" by my finance director) and felt kind of guilty for having got this manager into trouble.

My Problem with Long-Windedness
Then, on Friday evening, I felt kind of disappointed with myself for being long-winded. I am rather "well-known" for my long-windedness and cell would usually end late, about 10.30pm. My sister has told me several times about it but then it seem that I keep running into the same problem again and again. Then, last Friday, I did it again. And this time, I realised that one of my cell members looked rather restless and everytime we ask him a question, he would reply "no comments". When a member needed to leave to go to the airport, this restless member then signal to me that I needed to end it quick. Coupled with knowing that one of the members had exams early the next morning (but still came) and my sister's feedback about how I was at it again (being long-winded), it just did not make me feel good at all. I again wonder if I am indeed helping my members to grow because I seldom get the "ah-ha!" kind of response but more restless looks.

"I am with KM"
Then, came something else which made me feel rather upset. On Friday, just before cell, I was meeting up a few members for dinner and since I would be having a visitor at my cell, I decided to sms him to ask if he would like to join us for dinner. His response came and mentioned that he was with KM. I do not know why I am affected by this SMS, well OK, I felt kind of jealous because this friend seems to always be fetching her and whenever they are together, they seem to be talking and laughing. Anyway, I told myself "why should I be affected anyway, just bless them lo if they are together".

"Thanks to your brother..."
Then, something happened on Sunday which just turned my whole Sunday upside down. It was early in the morning and I was to be in church early for a course on missions.

The previous afternoon, a visitor to my cell, E, called me and we talked a little. As we were ending our conversation, we talked about the course on Sunday morning and he told me that he would be calling KM to offer her a ride to church. So, when KM smsed about meeting for breakfast the next morning, I had thought that she would be coming with him. The next morning, I SMSed my friend, E, to ask him to meet me earlier so I can pray for him before he presents something in the course that morning. But then, just as we were approaching church, my sister received and showed me a SMS from KM that went "thanks to your brother, E knows we are meeting for breakfast". It seems that she had not accepted the ride and did not want to meet this friend. From what I know, KM has been trying to avoid E because he seems to be interested in her. So immediately, I felt very bad that this has happened and as we walked to downtown east mac, I started to feel so bad about the whole incident and I started to blame my sister for not telling me that she wanted to avoid E.

Then, when I reached Mac, it seems that KM avoided eye contact with me. I was not sure if she is angry with me. In fact, we seldom talked throughout the whole Sunday and our line of sight seldom crossed despite me looking her way. I just sensed she is angry (even thought she SMSed me on Sunday evening to also tell me she is worried for the friend in hospital). Throughout the class, I could not concentrate knowing that someone seems to be upset with me. Then, immediately after the class, she disappeared. At this point in time, I realise I was becoming angry... angry with my sister for not telling me she is avoiding E, angry with E for putting me in this situation (though it is not his fault), angry with myself for letting this happen and after a while, I was even angry with KM for reacting this way. And of all days, just as I was nursing the anger, the sermon that week had to be about the Ten Commandments on "Thou shall not murder". Jesus, had in Matthew 5:21-24, said:

21. "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24. leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Jesus had given a higher standard of the Law and spoken how anger is not acceptable. The bible further elaborates in Ephesians 4:26-27 -

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Well, it all starts from anger, doesn't it? But, of all times, why preach this now?! In fact, I was feeling so negative about the whole thing by this time that I planned my "escape"; I would excuse myself from fellowship after church because I just did not want to be amidst all these anger and negative dynamics anymore. But something in me just told me that I needed to stay behind and go for the fellowship. But as a stubborn mule, I make my exit promptly after service. And all these while, I was feeling very lousy and I told myself that I needed to take a cab home because I needed some time out alone at home to mull over the whole issue. But then, I ended up waiting 15 minutes for taxi; after having missed one taxi and missing yet another taxi when I decided to cross the road to the other side to see if I can get a cab. Then, as I waited for the cab, I started to nurse the unhappiness with KM for her reaction and was telling myself that she is "not worth it". I was telling myself that she is maybe not the one for me since:

• We had a few conflicts recently
• She sometimes makes me feel inadequate as a leader when she does things for me and remind me things I did not do
• I am not ready to forego our friendship again, given the awkwardness after the last time I expressed to her my interest of developing our friendship further
• she seems to be on rather close terms with this friend who picks her up from work
• there are still issues in my life not straighten out and I am not ready for a relationship just as yet

As I stood there and all these went through my head, I started to lamenting why there is no cab. And in the background, I keep hearing the song "Emotions" by Bee Gees going "It's just emotion that's taken me over. Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul" and then the next song goes "Something's telling me it might be you. It's telling me it might be you...".



Hmmm, nope nope! Finally, a cab came and as I got onto the cab, I received a SMS from her telling me that she had just organise a combined cell prayer for a friend who is not well. I know I should not get upset over this but then I, again, felt upset with myself for being so selfish and going back and that she once again made me feel inadequate by organising the combined cell prayer thingy. I got home and slept but then the more I slept, the more horrible I felt. I guess I just didn't like the negative feeling I was feeling at this point in time.

More Worrying News
Then, more and more worrying news came...

• my friend had a miscarriage
  
• another friend had just come back from her work in a missions organisation because she has not been well for some time now; been breathless and coughing
• another friend seems to be struggling with issues in her life and is emotionally upset. To this friend, I apologise for giving the wrong impression on Sunday that I was upset with her, when I made a prompt exit from church.
  

Spiritual Drought
Spiritually, I feel that I am in a drought once again. I had been busy lately and have not been doing my regular quiet time. In fact, things were going rather fine until I choose to distance myself from God again on Saturday. Things then started to crumble bit by bit:

• Sunday morning, one friend who was supposed to co-lead in a presentation in the course that morning smsed me to tell me he heard voices telling him to revert to his old ways away from God
• Sunday morning, another friend who was supposed to co-lead in a presentation in the same course told me that she is unable to make it for the course and later I seem to have given her the wrong impression that I am upset with it when I chose to go home after service
• I seem to be nursing so much anger in me and defied the prompting to stay

In fact, I am starting to be worried about my cell because I can see how when I stop growing, things seem to stagnate in cell as well and problems starts cropping up. I am going to try my very best to draw back to God again and forget the old ways. Dear Lord, hear my desire and help me in drawing closer to You again.