Lord, I Long to Know Your Will

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Dear God,

I really really long to know your will. Sometimes, I just hope I can hear you clearly, I really yearn to know your will. "Thy will be done, as earth as in heaven"

Recently, I have been struggling to discern your calling. You have called me to this job and you have called me to reach out to my friend in the cult. But are you now calling me to something else? Are you now calling me to another job and to take up ministry by serving as a cell group leader-in-training? Both I am not certain because both involves some level of insecurities on my part.

Called and Blessed
Last year, you have called me to this job. When I made the painful decision to leave my previous job, I had backslided from you. But somehow, working in a Christian organisation came to mind and I remember telling myself "no" because I will feel uncomfortable working in a Christian organisation being a backslider. Then, my ex-supervisor came along and brought me back to you. This opened the path to my current job when I was asked, a few weeks later, whether I would like to apply for my current job. I was now freed from the bondage of guilt for having backslided. And I can see why you had called me to my current job because there is a match between my skills and my job and I also saw how you have blessed my work again and again over the past few months, which served to confirm your calling. But now, I am not sure if I am reading too much into things and cannot be certain if I am called to another job? The volunteer programme which I have been called to develop has barely started to develop. Is this time to leave?

Called to Something Else?
First, it started with Doulos. When Doulos came into town and I went on board to see the ship, I actually entertained the thought of volunteering on board the ship. Then came the time when I was to share in my department devotion and the topic for the day in Our Daily Bread happens to be on "Hearing God's calling". And then, I am asked again and again, on four separate occasions, whether I am considering a change of work environment. It really doesn't help that in recent weeks, I have been facing many little struggles and frustration at work; both with myself and with the state of things. And when I observed the volunteers at work on Thursday, seeing them conscientiously putting in all they have to care for the elderly, it made me keen to be engaged in direct social work once again. The image of them carrying the elderly up and down the buses despite perspiring profusely (while I uselessly stood aside to observe) and the appreciative smiles I saw on the elderly's face really stayed with me and touched me. And then yesterday, my ex-supervisor asked me if I am considering going back to Medical Social Work?

The Gifting of Writing
Then God, you surfaced another gifting of mine in recent weeks; the gift of writing. While my writing skills are yet to be further developed, you have given me quite a number of opportunities in recent weeks to showcase my writing ability. To my surprise, despite being new to writing, I was asked on two separate occasions to write and had people affirming me on my writing skills. To my surprise, I also found joy in writing but seriously, I did not think of much about my writing ability despite the affirmations. In fact, this little showcasing has somewhat got me into a fix recently when I was asked to contribute articles. Nevermind that, but I am just thinking why is this writing ability being surfaced now? Am I to be called to do something in this area?

The Calling to be CLT?
And then recently I am being called to rise up to be a cell group leader in training (CLT) and I am not the least confident about it. In fact, I kind of made up my decision today after coming back from a cell group gathering, that I will not take up the challenge but only to have more "signs" to further confuse me. I have always struggled with my introvertedness and today, I just felt so "invisible" again amidst the gathering of people. In a way, it felt kind of horrible wanting to connect with people but not being able to; every time I try to open my mouth to chat, the conversation just does not sustain. And I was thinking "how do I become a CLT like that?". Socially, I am not ready and that is a major obstacle now standing in the way to accepting the challenge to be a CLT. I decided "no, I am not going to rise up to the challenge".

God Calls for a Reason
But then, you sent a fellow colleague who talked to me and shared about calling. I have never thought that I would speak to her but a recent project has brought us together discussing the project. She called me on my way home and through the conversation, I was affirmed and encouraged by her as she shared how the recent project also spoke to her. Her sharing made me realised that God calls people for a reason and sometimes you will not know it until much later. I apologized to her for not helping much on Thursday but to my surprise, she shared that my presence did help because it did put her at ease since her bosses were not around and this was the first time managing volunteers (and it doesn't help that it is a large group). But one thing was clear, God has watched over the project because this is a massive project, this is the first time the home is working with such a big group of volunteers, this is the first time the volunteers are volunteering outside of their camp and this is the first time my colleague is managing volunteers but everything went superbly well and so did the weather. It was raining minutes before the volunteers came and all of us prayed fervently that the rain will stop, so that the elderly will have a good time at the zoo with the volunteers and it did! Glory be to God for watching over the project!

Clear Signs?
Just as I ended my phone conversation with my colleague, my dad took out a VCD sermon and played it. A song suddenly caught my attention:

I'm held by Your love
Lyrics Composer : Karen Lim, New Creation Church

I'm held by Your love,
upheld by Your strength;
On Your shoulders You bore me,
by Your faith I stand;
Cherished by You, Lord,
treasured in Your sight;
So close to Your heart,
held firm in Your hands.

Not by my wisdom,
not by my strength;
Gently You guide me,
lead me by Your hand;
Total surrender,
Jesus, I am Yours;
Now and forever,
in Christ I now stand.

So awesome is Your love,
so mighty is Your hand;
On eagle's wings You carry me;
Your grace shall be my strength;
So perfect is Your love,
You sacrificed Your Son;
Amazing love reached out to me;
With joy to You I come.

I have never heard this song before but then it spoke to me, especially the second stanza. Incidentally, the sermons these two weeks were on the "reverential" fear of God. Then Noah's story was used for cell discussion yesterday. Noah was called to built an ark because God was so upset with the world and wanted to wipe everything out with a flood. He called out to Noah to build an ark and meanwhile gave 120 years for the people to repent (and 120 years is a long long time). Then it rained and everything living was wiped out. After the discussion, we were asked where we are in God's calling? Are we outside the ark? Are we building the ark? Are we inside the ark and waiting for the flood to subside? But Noah got to hear very clearly from God. Or maybe it is already clear but I am just not taking the step of faith forward because of many insecurities?

God, speak to me, I long to know thy will.