Burnout?

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I have been feeling rather restless lately... it just comes to a stage that I have become so mentally exhausted that sometimes I just do not want to do anything... I just feel so... maxed out...

"Burntout" by Marzie

Sick and Tired
Think things have not been going that well at work and I have been facing little struggles. As I was rushing my latest report to management, I can't help but feel that somehow, I have reached the maximum I can go in developing the volunteer programme. I am not tired with the work (in fact, I love my work) but am just tired with having to deal with the same problems cropping up again and again.

It is one of those situations where you know you have done your part and somehow because others are not doing their's, you have to pick up the pieces. And I have been facing this again and again at various points in time this year, sometimes I feel so... taken for granted... For example, whenever I refer a volunteer to a centre for placement, there is sometimes no proper follow-up. Some referrals have been pending for months now with no follow-up and I keep getting phonecalls from upset volunteers enquiring on their placement status. And I feel so tired apologizing again and again to them, on behalf of my colleagues, for the delay. Frankly, our organization has no lack of volunteer signups but just a lack of resources to handle the signups. I don't blame my colleagues because I know they are so overloaded with work (unlike me, they are not volunteer coordinators but somehow have this function of managing volunteers included into their JD). So, I do not make it a point to "chase" after them that badly but the fact remains that I am just tired of dealing with the same problem again and again.

Count Me Out
Then, to make this "being taken for granted" feeling worse, in recent weeks, I have people "conveniently" engaging my services in managing volunteers in their projects, sometimes without even asking whether I am OK with it. But I know that I have to play a part in this too... maybe I just need to be more assertive. In fact, I have got so tired of coordination work, I just do not want to do any more coordination work anymore... two weeks ago, my cell group leader requested for my help to co-coordinate a BBQ for our cell and I declined her. I had also told a friend that I am unable to coordinate his housewarming when he asked me to help send out the message to our fellow friends. In fact, I realized that I have come to a point now I am so sick and tired of coordination work I am conveniently pushing some of these to my new colleague while I engaged myself in other tasks like sending out calendar and cards to my corporate volunteers, updating my volunteer newsletter, doing minutes for a recent meeting, typing the volunteer programme report for my management and other programme development stuff. A part of me feel guilty about doing so while another part of me just dislike coordination work so much I wanted out of it for the time being.

Having a Break
In fact, it kind of went on for sometime now and recently, when I went on board Doulos, I started to have funny ideas about just quitting my job and going on board to serve as a volunteer, travelling around the world and, as their purpose suggests, "bringing knowledge, help and hope". Somehow, there is something thrilling about working on board a Christian ship. But deep inside me, I know that this is not possible anytime in the near future (ok, I can't swim). Then, I started having the funny idea of just taking sabbatical leave (no-pay leave) and just going somewhere to work in a cafe all day... just a job which does not require me to fry my brain... OK OK, maybe I am just mentally tired... have just applied for 5 days leave so I can rest away from work for a whole stretch for the most of the last part of December till 2007. Let's see if that helps. Maybe I do not dare to leave as well because somehow I feel I have been called to this place by God to use my gifting and my work does not seem to be done as yet.

Another Calling?
Just as I am facing all these and keep telling myself that I need to pace myself and stop taking on additional stuff outside of work, my cell group Area Overseer-in-training (AOT) asked if I would like to rise up to take the role of a cell group leader-in-training (CLT) for my cell. This came as a surprise, or in fact, as a shock. Somehow, I can never picture myself as a cell group leader. It was a long talk with my AOT and I am just holding back because of three things:

1. Spiritual Walk with God - I am not strong in my walk. In fact, I am not as committed as I want to be and do not even have regular quiet time with God, let alone read the bible. I am just concerned at how I am going to be a CLT with my current level of spiritual commitment?
2. My Introvertedness - Something that I have been struggling for the longest of time. I find it strange that some people describe me as being an extrovert but I am, without a doubt, an introvert. Maybe I can sometimes be functionally extroverted but that really zaps the energy out of me... Doesn't help that my current job as a volunteer coordinator requires me to meet and interact with people. I do want to be extroverted but am just very tired whenever I try to do so. I just don't foresee how I am going to be a CLT when part of the role of a CLT is to welcome people and interact with others?
3. My Busy Life - I am so mentally exhausted now that I just keep telling myself I am going to pace myself next year and not be so "kay poh" to take on so many things onto myself but here comes a new commitment. I know it is a matter of priorities and if this is God's calling, it should come first. But somehow, I am just so afraid to take that step. Being a CLT is no joke because there seems to be so many things I need to do and now, I have to prepare for cell on a weekly basis. To think that preparing for department devotion once in a very long while is tiring but now it is going to be on a weekly basis.

I do not know what to make of this, especially since I do not know if this is yet another calling from God. Somehow, it doesn't help that I was thinking about calling when on board Doulos and that the Daily Bread article I used for sharing during last Tuesday's department devotion was on "hearing God's call". Sigh... My AOT encouraged me to carefully consider taking up the challenge, so did my current CLT. I also messaged the "friend who was beginning to hate me" (now not really liaoz la) about my struggle and the message that came back is

"actually, there are only three biblical requirements... humility, availability and teach-ability. Other factors are not considered. U should gauge according to these three. As God suppose to do the rest. It's servanthood and total dependence on Him."

He went on to ask me, if I were to go home one day to heaven and God were to play a video on my life on His cinematic plasma TV, what would it be like? Interesting question. The answer is clear but then I am still bothered by my three factors. Just last Sunday, my AOT and my CLT lent me two books, "How You Can Be Led by the Spirit of God" by Kenneth E. Hagin and "Jesus on Leadership" by C. Gene Wilkes to read. Aiyah, I am not the kind of person who read but then I guess I wanted an answer so started reading a bit. Will continue to pray about it.

On a sidenote... I am not sure why but then in recent times, I am starting to find children innocent, cute and adorable. Oh no, am I starting to think about finding a partner and starting a family? No la, not now.