Grieving Heart, Angry Head

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This period seems to be one of great complexity and dilemma.

Take this blog for example, I am starting to feel the chore of updating it but yet I derive great joy and peace being able to express how I really am feeling and being able to see themes and other revelations, as I revisit my life for the day...

Anyway, I totally had no morale to work today. I arrived at my office 30 minutes late, but yet proceeded to MacDonald's to buy breakfast for myself and my colleagues. Today's theme seems to be "grief". Despite the bad working relationship I had with some of my colleagues, all these just didn't seem as important anymore. I mean, there is still some ill feelings but then, it just seem more transient today. I was thinking: "almost everyone, including myself, is leaving, why does it matter so much anymore?". I eventually reached office with my breakfast and handed everyone their share. I started to stare at my computer screen, wondering what to do next. I finally decided what to occupy myself with for the rest of the day and was making very little effort to plan for other things. Just didn't want to overwork myself anymore; not worth it.

Later in the day, in the evening, I found myself sitting at the reception area of my centre, all alone (the rest had left after the evening meeting and those remaining were in another room discussing some other matters). I surveyed my surroundings and my eyes eventually landed on a notice board. As I glanced at the names of the ex-staff who had once worked here but now have left, I could not help but feel deeply saddened that things have to turn out this way. Now, the centre seems like an empty shell. Several times in the day, my eyes somehow "crossed paths" with some of my colleagues' eyes and I could sense their despair at how things have turned out. Some would repeatedly say to me, day after day, how sad this whole saga has turned out and all I could do is shrug my shoulders and say "What can we do?" In the end, I can't comment much because I am leaving too.

I am really grieving at the anticipated loss of connections. After all, I have come a long way with my colleagues and have forged a close working relationship with some of them. I will miss the times I spent with them. Had also met my other social work friends from neighbouring centres for lunch today and boy am I going to miss my bonds with them too. I also grief the parting with my work. As I sat in the evening meeting with the association members, I can't help but feel saddened that my paths will not longer cross with their's anymore. Some of them learnt of my resignation and were caught by surprise, only to repeatedly ask me why I was leaving and asked me to stay. Even though so, I still found myself participating actively in that discussion group, which makes me even more confused: ain't I supposed to no longer be passionate?

My vice president called me on the phone earlier in the evening to request that I reconsider my resignation. However, I stood my ground and maintained that I will leave the organization. I had been too hurt by the whole incident and would just like to leave... for the first time in many weeks, I teared while talking to him on the phone... the whole experience was just too painful to revisit. In the end, I just wonder whether I am asked to stay because of my working capability or because management cares?

Had a staff meeting today which further upsetted me and strengthened my resolution to leave. It seems that with almost half of the organization gone, the plan is only to recruit 2 staff to replace the ex-staff. I was truly unhappy to hear that there is no intention to replace the other staff and that work will be redistributed amongst the remaining staff with very little adjustments to remunerations. The proposed HR policies were also very rigid, in view how overloaded some of the staff already are. This further add on to the feeling I have, that staff are dispensible and are just tools to get things done. I seriously want no part in this new structure and will maintain that I leave at the end of September. I have repeatedly reminded that management needs to be real sensitive and rebuild staff morale during this critical period, but do not know if this advice will be heeded. I just feel that enough damage is done and we need to rebuild than further demolish. I rest my case...

OK time to sleep... To be continued... and I of course hope this blog will bring more good news than bad... enough of a sad sad blog... Maybe, for the remaining time I have in the organization, I should cherish and celebrate some of the things, rather than lament and lament.