Seeking Meaning

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Dead beat...

Anyway, today's theme seems to be "The Meaning of Life". With all the uncertainty experienced yesterday, I seem to be seeking some form of stability and started to reflect on my purpose in life. This, especially since I am going to lose something which has been a big part of my life for the past few years, seems to be crucial at this point in time. I just need some closure and some assurance that I am heading the right way; not wanting to turn back and regret my decision...

So, how do I find this purpose? Inevitably, while thinking about this, I started to reflect on my life, to see if I am leading a purpose-driven life... started to craft out a simple checklist for myself to use in various stages of my life:

Philosophy of Life:
What is my philosophy of life? What is my attitude and approach to life? Seems that I have added a new philosophy to my existing 4...

• Always give others the benefit of the doubt
• Do unto others as I want others to do unto me
• Always do my best in everything I do
• Always learn from others
• Always be genuine towards others

After this whole saga, I realize how much I value genuineness... I think this might be closely linked to my yearning for safety that I identified at my Satir course last year. I can only feel safe amongst people who I feel are genuine with me. I am seriously sick of games people play when they don't say what they mean. In the same way that I remain genuine in my interactions with others, I do expect the same from them in order for them to be in my ranks of friends.

Priorities:
I think in order to have a bearing of where we want to go and lead a meaningful life, we need to know our priorities. We are faced with decisions at every stage of our lives and we need to know what our priorities are in order to make the right decision. At the end of the day, do we want tangible stuff like wealth etc or more intangible stuff such as relationshps etc. For me, it is more the latter, at least more so than the tangible stuff.

Passion:
Passion is what drives us in our life. We need to wake up each day feeling excited about something; a cause. For me, I am still discovering what my real passion is, especially at a time like this when I am grieving the loss of something which I had been so passionate about for the past few years...

Purpose:
What is my purpose in life? How do I make use of my giftings? Who do I serve and who do I work with? Where do I need to be? Incidentally, I met up with my ex-supervisor today and during the course of our conversation, she suggested that I read the book "The Purpose-Driven Life". Guess I may pick up the book to read soon, right timing anyway. I do recognize that I have a gifting for working with people, being able to understand people and help them feel supported and loved. I also do recognize that I have very strong organizational skills. However, "where will this eventually lead me?", I ask.

Progress:
How am I different from the "old" me? What is better? I believe that every bad situation and experiences will also have its positives. For me at this point, for example, I can see that I had developed professionally. I am also more confident now and am making more realistic expectations of myself. I am more self-aware. Of course, I had also picked up lots of management skill. Indeed, my stay at this organization has not been in vain, despite the bad experiences.

Possibilities & Potentials:
The world is so full of problems, we can either be preoccupied with that and be immobilized or see possibilities and potentials. While I am unsure whether the decision of moving into IT is a wise one, I do see the possibility of myself developing further in various other aspects. Indeed, I am really hopeful of being in satisfying relationships with others again.

Personal Care:
I am starting to self-care and am more self-aware now. Being passionate about something is good but being too enmeshed with something so much so that one loses his/her own self is just too unhealthy. I will do my best to not allow this to happen again. I need to learn how to self-care for myself when I need to. I owe it to myself, and not others, to care for myself.

Meeting my ex-supervisor today did do me some good too. She had reminded me that despite I had been failed by many other people, someone will never fail me, and that is God. In many ways, I feel that I had failed him instead, for having back-slided for so long. My ex-sup however reminded me that having believed in him for so many years and still doing so and feeling remorse, that speak a great deal of my faith in him. In fact, I have promised her to visit her church for their opening ceremony this Sunday. Let's hope I will not back out. :)

Past Baggage:
Everyone has past baggages which impact the way they conduct their lives. I, too, have my past baggages and am currently being proactive in doing something about it. Only when I let go of past baggages that I can move forward.

Perspective:
I have learnt that this world is made up of differing perspectives. Everyone can have different perspectives on the same thing. I should respect that and shall also be open to other's perspective. I shall keep my own perspective in check and hear others' out.

A sight caught my eye on my way to work: a bird spreading its wings and soaring on, riding the wind. I think, with the right attitude, we can also ride our lives and enjoy every moment of it.

Getting sleepy again, not even sure what I had typed earlier on made sense... ok going to zzz.