Colourful Gamut of Emotions

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OK, am going to give blogging a try. Had my reservations about blogging because it is so much of "exposure" into my private world. Anyway, have decided to give it a try, seems to be the trend anyway... besides, seems that writing and documenting my life journey does have its benefits; at least it allows me to take a step back and take a retrospective look at happenings in my life, reflect on what went wrong, celebrate triumphs and remind myself of the things I treasure most.

Today seems to not be a typical day for me; it is a day filled with much sadness, heartache, joy and anticipation - all in one day. The past few months had been a terrible time for me, having faced so much problems at work and my personal life, so much so I am no longer smiling radiantly as before (a trademark of being me). But today, I have finally experienced joy again.

Morning was a but boring, was literally dragging myself to work since for the past 2 nights, I had not been getting a good rest; partly because of what has been going on at work and me making the painful decision of resigning and moving on, partly because of me scaring myself silly by playing a scary X-Box game my friend lent me and watching "Incredible Tales" yesterday night. Of course, doesn't help that this is the Chinese seventh month (Ghost Festival). Anyway, was late for work again and arrived in morning at my almost empty office. Getting real depressing now, with 50% of the organization gone. Difficult period it is for the management, but also a difficult period for the staff. Can't help but feel the restructuring exercise was handled badly... Anyway, I don't blame anyone but things just happened... everyone tried their best.

Received a call from a friend who happened to also be from the Executive Committee. Told me how the news about me resigning has caught some in the management by surprise and how they are sending reps to speak to me to ask me to stay. This indeed felt good (for a while) to know I am being valued as a staff but my mind is made up and I am going to leave. Was asked why I was leaving and in my heart I was thinking "not again..." I have seriously reached the stage whereby I really do not wish to gripe anymore about my situation and hope to really move on. Anyway, I really cannot remember exactly why the decision to leave but it was definitely made with careful consideration; I know that I am no longer happy working there and all I ask is to be respected for my decision to leave. I would tell whoever who spoke to me that I am leaving not because of pay but because I am seriously unhappy at work and I owe it to myself to do something for myself. After working here, things became clearer to me that I do have certain expectations of my bosses and these are just not met. I have been disappointed again and again and I just do not wish to live with more disappointment. Feeling of not being valued as a staff, feeling of not being supported and understood, feeling of not being treated with professional integrity and not trusted, feeling of being used and several other feelings of anger and disgust at politics and people not being genuine despite saying so, frustration with nature of work etc all brought me to this path. Too much has happened, including how my friendship also soured because of work and how transition was handled insensitively, I just want to move on. There is no point in me staying anymore and no point in me griping and griping to my friends... I need to do something for myself and I am moving on... I am likened to a balloon that sees the destination but can no longer fly because I have lost all my helium. I no longer wear my association's collar badge anymore... things were definitely different in the past when I would go nowhere without my association's badge on...

Angry I am also that here I am giving an additional month of notice for my resignation so that ample time is for transition and for me to hand over my work but nothing much seems to be done about getting my replacement. Think I am just getting cranky nowdays... no wonder my friends say they don't see me smile any more. Am still going on with my work professionally but with very little passion... no point in staying...

Am really experiencing a whole gamut of emotions now... on one hand I am angry with what is happening but also guilty. I feel guilty that I am leaving my organization in the lurch, at a critical period like this. I feel guilty for "betraying" my friends, who have just taken office as EXCO members and colleagues for leaving like this, especially since I know that the committee has been working very very hard in the last 1 month to get things on track and has been bombarded by staff again and again. I feel saddened that I have to leave something that has been a big part of my life for 1 year plus. But then again, I remind myself that I am not indispensible and I am NOT my organization. My recent vacation has made me realized how much I had neglected myself, how much I have to reclaim myself back... I cannot be living for people all the time, to my own detriment. I have suffered enough and it is time to move on. I can only look back in appreciation of how I have developed and the bonds that I have built with people while working here. Am also fortunate to be able to "survive" through all these with the wonderful support my friends have been giving me, standing by my side and making me feel that i am not all alone. At the end of the day, I believe I have done my best and things just didn't work out, so I am moving on...

Am filled with anticipation with the job interview tomorrow. Haven't really prepared for the interview tomorrow but hope it goes well. Luckily I am on off the whole of tomorrow which gives me time to prep. Am just going to try my best to "interview" my prospective employer to see if we match each other. If successful, shall be leaving the social work field for the time being to really develop myself in other ways. I just need sometime to heal. Does feel good that my friend has confidence in my work and recommended me to his boss, now it is up to me to secure that job.

Wow, just came back from "The Ark" Cafe with my JC classmate, and wow it was wonderful. Had always liked going to such "Ming Ge" cafes... There is just that something special which makes the experience so memorable. Songs really help me to unwind, allow me to experience a whole array of feelings and help me to reflect on my life at this point; some songs really speak to you at points of your life, especially those which have reminiscence value and have accompanied you through periods of your life. The singers also never fail to make you feel at home, as if you are friends with them... Most important of all, I like to see how they work together, the bonds they have, their chemistry and friendship they share, all make me long for the kind connection they enjoy and share between themselves. Life as an adult is really different from the time I was a student... things were so much more easier then and friends were more genuine with less problems. Now, most of my friends can only say "if only we could go back in time to those carefree days as students..." Working life is really different.

Anyway, this had been a real long first entry... do hope this will not be the first and last... akan datang... Am gonna sleep now... adios!