God Done it Again

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Speaking through Sermons?
God did it again; God seems to have timing for things and I find that God has a way of speaking to me through sermons, so much so it sometimes seem miraculous how the right sermon always seem to come at the time when I am facing trials and struggle with the same issue. But I must say that this has greatly renew my faith and sense of connection with God.

Just like the time when I was going through a rough patch that has caused me to feel so burnt out and the sermon series on "Burnout to Balance" came along and helped me review my priorities and understand my work ethics.

When I struggled with leadership and was so angry with my ex-superior, that week's sermon was on power and authority.

When I was struggling with a soured friendship with a former good friend, the week's sermon on compassion and forgivenes came along.

When I started wanting to serve in church and started wondering in what ways I can serve and when I came to know of my friend's involvement in a cult, the sermon for those couple of weeks were on calling and on mission.

Now, I am struggling with yet another relationship with a friend and his girlfriend which has gone wrong, the next day's sermon came: How to Develop Lasting Friendships.

Still not OK
Just the day before, I have decided to send a sms to this friend of mine and his girlfriend because I seldom hear from them since the New Year incident and recently when I messaged them, replies seldom came. Sensing something wrong, I messaged them asking if they were upset with anything and my friend messaged back and shared how they were still affected by the way I reacted on New Year's day.

I was, in a way, caught unaware because I thought things were OK since we spoken on the phone about the matter but I must admit that I was at fault too, reacting in that way and in a way ruining their New Year. I couldn't explain why I reacted that way but there was just this deep desire to want to leave the place. After so many past hurts, I just started to really fear the world around me, not knowing who I can trust and who I couldn't. When later, my soured relationship with the good friend who was "beginning to hate me" further caused much disillusionment, since I couldn't even trust a good friend.

Wanting to see the Hearts of People
I just feel so unsafe in this world and just feel so strongly about lies, so much so, I am seeing how my social life is affected now; fearing to talk to people. Research into cults recently makes the world even a more fearsome place with people out there preying on others, manipulating them. God has placed me amidst wonderful and supportive people in my workplace and in church but I sometimes just find it so difficult to relate to them, so much so people might find it boring to be around me. It can be very painful and lonely wanting to relate but fearing being hurt again. If I can ask something from God, then I really wish for eyes that could see the hearts of people. I seldom smile now and it just becomes more difficult day after day since my job requires me to relate to people and volunteers. I just don't like the "me" now. But although having said this, I still feel that it was wrong of me to behave that way to my 2 friends and I apologize.

Angry with God
In fact, I was so angry with God yesterday when I received my friend's sms yesterday; asking how He could allow something like that to happen? I am facing challenges at work, family and grappling with past hurts and now He has to take away another friendship which I cherish. I was so angry that, after receiving the message, I stopped listening to worship songs and immediately switched my mp3 player to listen to pop songs. I just found it difficult to relate to the songs which spoke of God's grace etc when God allowed something like that to happen.

But today's sermon helped me put things into perspective...