Distanced from God (Again)

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First Cell Group for 2006
Seems like forever since I last went to cell, kinda missed cell. Had pretty good attendance today and there must have been some 15 people there.

Distanced from God
Anyway, I feel so distanced from God this period. As I sang worship songs and prayed, I just didn't feel that close a connection to God as a few weeks ago. Deep in my mind, I am thinking: Could it be that I am, like Jonah, being stubborn and refusing to do what we had been called upon to do? Frankly, I have seen how blessed by God I had been in the past few weeks and I fear losing these blessings (though I keep telling myself that I should worship God for what he has done for me; showing me with his Grace).

Fear of Contradictions
Well, I still do feel grateful to God for His faith in me and the grace and mercy He had shown to me but somehow the connection is not as close anymore. I really fear "contradictions" just as Jonah faced contradictions when he turned away from God's calling:

• How Jonah was willing to be thrown off the ship and risk dying to save a few sailors (because Jonah has caused the storm with his defiance) than to preach the gospel to Nineveh
• How non-believers (the sailors) showed more compassion than Jonah

Tussling with Calling and Commitment
As the cell shared about what they think God's calling for them is for 2006, I took courage and shared about my "calling" to my cell. Throughout all the discussions, it became clear to me that we are sometimes hindered by so many things when fulfilling our callings e.g. over-rationalization, fear, putting our desires before God, refusing to come out of our comfort zones etc. For me, it is the issue of "what ifs"; I am asking a lot of "what ifs":

• What if this is not a calling, just me reading too much into "signs"?
• What if I am not able to minister correctly since I am so weak in my study of the Word

However, by sharing with my cell on the calling, I hope I am taking a small step forward by stating my commitment. My cell leader encouraged me to take a small step at a time and a few of us agreed to fast on Wednesdays for dinner for quiet time with God. I am also praying that God will pave the way for me to minister and that I will remain disciplined to continue read up about the cult and study the bible. I am praying for forgiveness and for self-discipline and determination to accomplish this.

Of course if things work out then maybe the vision I have for a ministry for people who have backslided and mislead can come true. :)

Nerve-Wrecking Meeting
I think my presentation skills are all rusty, haven't been using it for a while. Was called by my boss to do a short presentation during a meeting with the heads and reps of all our centres and it was so nerve-wrecking my colleague told me that he saw my thumb trembling while I was presenting (though many came to encourage me that I did OK). I am always so stressed during meetings... so many unfamiliar faces and it feels like people are evaluating me... anyway, pray that I will be able to present with confidence in time to come.