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We are all discoverers... travelling the world, learning its truths, its people and its meanings every single day. Grab your backpacks and let's embark on this journey of mine, one that holds a lot of meaning to me... Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Saturday, December 22, 2007

 

Smile or Frown

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Tomorrow (or shall I say today since it is already 1am?) I will be having a Christmas party at my Area Overseer's house. Technically speaking, it should be a joyous thing right but then frankly, I am more worried than excited. Because I know I can potentially leave the house feeling like a failure in ministry again since 2 other cells (also under my Area Overseer) will be coming for the party as well.

Firstly, I do not feel comfortable at parties with so many strangers, secondly, I know I might start comparing how other cells seems to be so successful and everybody is so close to one another while my cell is like that and thirdly, I have to be in-charge of explaining one game which my cell put together and since it involves me giving instructions to a group of strangers, I am not the bit excited about it.

May I invite your prayers in praying that everything will go well and I will not leave the Christmas party with a frown but with a smile. Pray against any spiritual attacks in my cognition which is going to tell me that "I am a failure"; that "it is not worth it". Thanks.

Friday, December 21, 2007

 

2007: Naughty or Nice?

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2007 is coming to an end and it does set me in a rather reflective mood. Yes, I am thankful:
  • Thankful for the bonus I have just received;
  • Thankful for my job because as I sat through an interview by two youth who wanted to know more about my work, I just enjoyed every moment as I spoke about my job;
  • Thankful for the upcoming leave because I have come to realise how much I wanted to just kick back and relax; from work, from ministry, from everything which had kept me busy and needed my attention so far;
  • Thankful to God for all the ideas and inspiration at work which just seems to pop up, even while I am ironing my clothes
  • Thankful for all the friends and gifts I have got
Captives of Sin
But frankly, I had not been all that nice towards the end of 2007 and somehow I do not like it. Somehow, it adds a new dimension to the understanding of the verse from Romans 7:

14. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 . I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

As I had said, I haven't been all that nice and forgiving and I do not like it. And I hear myself asking God to just purify my heart and just to chase away anything unholy. It really becomes puzzling how I can end up doing things that I do not want to do. In the end, everything just feels so unright to the extent I just felt distanced from God. Then, I remember how I have ever reminded people that God did not send Jesus to die on the cross for our sins only to have us feeling all ashamed of our sins and turn away from Him. As long as we come with a repentant heart and lay it down at His feet (though that does not cancel out the consequences of the sin), God forgives; that we will no longer be captive to sin (Romans 6:19-23). (Picture "Old Ball and Chain Series 1" by ctechs)

"Your Ministry will not be Easy"
Then, at prayer meeting on Wednesday, I seem to sense that God is telling me my ministry will not be easy... I do not know how I get this sense but then I just did. Wow, boy does that really worry me... I mean, what?! Am I going to be like Jeremiah who just toils and people's heart just do not turn back to God? Frankly, I am not the bit keen about this and I did pray to God that let not this be the case because I want to see hearts turn back to Him and I rejoice in that; I do not want a part in a tough ministry like this. A bit selfish but then I just cannot stomach a tough ministry as such.

Bad Ending for the Week
Well, the week's almost coming to an end and somehow I just wish for it to be over soon. The past few days haven't been easy and once again I was feeling all discouraged ONCE AGAIN about ministry. The sense I get from God about ministry not being easy is not encouraging. And then, I went to prayer meeting on Wednesday and felt all alone and lonely because I did not see any familiar faces there and it was just a lonely feeling going to prayer meeting alone. Then, adjourned at the end of the meeting alone to Burger King for dinner and it was again a horrendous feeling sitting and eating alone while seeing a couple enjoying each other's company opposite of me. Kind of make me wonder about my own "non-existent" love life. Call me a weakling or whatever but then I am just still not sure about the possibility of a relationship with "the one". Somehow I just feel there is a emotional barrier that I cannot get through to her. I am also afraid that if I were to express my feelings for her, she might just shy away... there are a lot of "what ifs" that I fear; I do not want to jeopardize our friendship or anything. Maybe I just appreciate her personality as a friend? (Picture "The Park Bench 2" by toasty5)

Then, yesterday, I decided to go do some last minute Christmas shopping but the evening turned out to be anything except joyful. Already feeling a little unright with God and distant from Him, I went to the Concourse to get some stuff for Saturday's Christmas party, then rushed down to TecMan in Bras Basah hoping to get some Christmas presents for my cell members. I arrived to only find it closing and so I thought maybe I should just go Life bookshop in Suntec since TecMan is closing. Made my way to Suntec only to find that Life bookshop is no longer there. Feeling rather rotten now, my sister SMSed me to say she was not feeling well. Silly me, still engrossed with shopping, took up my handphone, called her, asked her how she was feeling and then quickly turned the topic around to ask her if she knew what was one of our cell member's favourite colour. Think my sister got rather upset that I was so "concerned" for her and I felt horrible having done that to her. Then, as if the evening was not depressing enough, later came the news that my uncle had passed away suddenly. All these while, I thought that Christmas shopping is supposed to be a happy affair but then it turned out to be everything except joyous.

Then today, I decided to apply for half day's leave to go to my uncle's wake and also do somemore last minute shopping at TecMan for my cell members. For my uncle's wake, it is just puzzling that even though I am not very close to him, I was somewhat affected by it. In fact, I think I was more affected by a loved one and how I felt she was placing her priorities in her life all in the wrong things, than by my uncle's death. It had been an age-old disappointment that just keeps adding up.

After the wake, I made my way to TecMan again to do my Christmas shopping. Boy, did I suddenly realised I spend quite a bit on Christmas shopping this year, some $400 for all the gifts. I just kept swiping and swiping my card. But then, I did enjoy myself shopping for my JC friends, finding a sense of achievement going around to look out for useful things that they would like. I will not say the same thing for Christmas shopping for my cell group members though. On one hand, I would like to bless them with something (even if they are moving off from my cell) and kept praying that God will bring me to the right book/gift for each member but on the other hand, I hear myself asking "do they even appreciate your gesture?", the same thing I wondered as I limped my way to get birthday gifts for a couple who just stopped coming to cell and responding to my messages. I don't know. But then one thing I know is, short of sounding so holy holy, there is a part in me which just want to bless them even as they go away from my cell. (Picture "Best Wishes 1" by lusi)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

 

Psalm 139

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1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Today, we had staff devotion and it is really great seeing God work even through the staff devotion. Today's daily bread reading is on Psalm 139 about how God knows us all intimately; what we think, say, do, struggle with etc. It is such a wonderful reminder, as I shared with my colleagues about my recent struggle with ministry and how God have never given up on me though I had been defiant; comforting me through His word (including how He spoke to me through a colleague's diary), sermon/sharings, friends etc.

And a couple of colleague also shared and testified to how God has his timing for things, even His timing for drawing people to Him (just like how He drew me to Him). A couple of colleagues also testified to how they have seen God work in His time as loved ones, suddenly asked about church. What was the most amazing however was how one of our colleagues, who have been working with our organisation for close to a decade now but have only recently took up the decision to accept Christ, and how she seemed to be growing spiritually despite being from a family which is into Nichiren Buddhism (practiced by the Soka Association). It is really wonderful to see how she talks about her faith and amazingly, she is also recently taking a step to wanting to find a home church to belong to.

Indeed, God knows everyone intimately although sometimes we do not know He is there, we do not believe He is there, we forget about His love and grace and/or choose to deliberately disobey Him. I continue to thank God for the devotion which seems to be going to a new level, with people sharing about their walk. Although we do not have the whole group with us, we do pray hard that everyone will eventually come, share and be encouraged by one another as spiritual growth take place.

I also thank God for the wonderful time of lunch and dinner fellowship with all my colleagues and I really did have a good time being with them during dinner as we treated ourselves to Hokkien cuisine at a Chinese restaurant since we made a pact not to buy Christmas gifts for one another. My department just loves to eat. I also thank God for giving me the inspiration to work on my volunteer blog and coming out with designs for 2 e-posters for my volunteer's fundraising project and also a campaign to get volunteers to share their memories and stories about helping out as a volunteer in our current fundraising project. It's just amazing how fast I came up with the 2 posters just within 2 hours... and in my opinion, they look quite nice :)

Monday, December 17, 2007

 

The Flower-Pot Mug

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Today, boss brought some Christmas presents for everyone and as always, she always have this interesting way of distributing her gifts; this time, making us choose from a few gift tags, which corresponds to the gift labels on the present. Anyway, we all got mugs but with different designs. Mine is the one you see on the left. I like it a lot because it has this interesting flower pot design, a nice matte brown colour and a nice bible verse from Ecclesiastes. A timely reminder? I don't know.

Anyway, a minor thing happened which I was not quite ok with. One of my colleague was so excited how it resemble a flower pot and suggested putting a plant in it, offering to donate part of her plant. Well, I like the mug and athough I do not mind the idea, I think I would still prefer to have it as a mug to drink from rather than to have a plant growing from it. After all, it is a gift from someone and the last thing to do would to put a plant into a mug someone gives you right? Well, one of my colleague told me that if I wanted to keep it as a mug, just tell that colleague my decision. But in the end, guess I couldn't bring myself to it and so in went the plant. Hmm... maybe sometime need to learn to be a little assertive :D Not a big issue la but then just can't believe I did not say my piece. Anyway, with the plant, it looks nice too mah :D

Sunday, December 16, 2007

 

The Sweetness of Ministry

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Well, a couple of days ago, I blogged about the pains of ministry and here today, it is the exact opposite... Well, I still will not deny that ministry still involves pain, especially when I seem to sense that God is calling me to work with the backslided, broken-hearted and the misled, it will involve even more rejections... But then again, this is a calling which is very scary and I have just to check it out.

Ministry Plans (For Now)
This weekend is just so indescribable. Starting with cell on Friday. Somehow, after the recent saga, I have come to decide that I will hang on, especially when it became clear that I was NOT ready to dissolve cell; it would be a selfish decision. Anyway, many things seem to have happened to show me that God have wanted me to remain even though I had been defiant and had wanted out. I have also made the conscious decision to try to break out of my negativity for the sake of myself and the people I shepherd. All I can say is that I am saying "yes" for now but do not know for how long... frankly, I am not very keen on the next onslaught of spiritual attack or self-doubt so much as I want to give up again but then I am still entrusting this journey to God.


The Exodus Which Brings Relief
On Friday, cell was to take place and in a way, I was glad that I decided to have cell. I was chatting to the member who gave me a "kick in the butt"on Thursday evening and he told me that both him and his partner will not be coming to cell for the remaining of the month as they will be thinking about cell and whether to move on. I do not know why but then this piece of news brought me much relief. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing against this brother and his partner, but it is just that I have found myself to always be quite stressed up in cell because I feel I haven't been meeting up to their expectation for spiritual growth. Maybe I find that I could not compare to him in terms of spiritual maturity and so this has somewhat hampered my confidence and every session, I just worry if I am doing well enough to help them grow spiritually. I do know that they feel frustrated that they are not able to grow spiritually in this cell and I must say that it has somewhat made me feel bad. But then, I have come to realise that maybe it might be better for me and for them to move on to another cell, if it is within God's will. Frankly, I do not blame this brother and his partner in anyway though it is partly because of my own expectation to want to meet up to their expectation for spiritual growth which has caused myself much distress. Though it is tough taking the "kick in the butt" on Thursday, I do know it is done out of intention of hoping I will be encouraged, stay and grow (or at least I hope it is so). It would have been easy for him to just ignore me and move on to another cell, but he nonetheless confronted me about something. I must also say that through that conversation, I began to see the possibility of God toughening me up for my calling and of how recent events could have been spiritual attack trying to stop that from happening. To that, I say thank you to this brother. But one thing is true... when my AO and ZP spoke to me on Tuesday and mentioned how they might be moving some people out to other groups (mainly 3 others who have not been coming and possibly this brother and his partner), I must admit that I did feel a little relief. Maybe it is true that I have inherited this cell rather than coming in at the beginning, which may have been unhealthy. But it sure does feel funny to say that I feel relieved that these 5 people are moving off from my group, although the move might be necessary for everyone.

Thanksgiving for Cell
Anyway, back to cell. I thank God that everything went relatively well on Friday. Frankly, I felt less stress without the people who I felt I have not been able to meet up their expectations for cell. I thank God for bringing back a brother who I felt led to ask to come along back to cell and thank God he came. I could sense that God is trying to reach out to him and all I pray is that the cell had been able to because I did see him seem to be in reflection several times, especially during worship. It was like a new beginning for me and although I felt that I spoke 70% of the time, I felt led to share because God had shown me so much during this period about turning FAIlure to FAIthfulness.

I began by thanking God and as I looked through my blog, I realised I had so much to thank God for:
  1. I thank God for work; how he had moderated my work these few weeks especially when I was feeling down... there are just days when my volunteer mailbox had no emails to attend to and this is just rare considering that it is supposed to be a peak period with my fundraising project going on
  2. I thank God for my dad's health; that he is cleared of Lymphoma, TB and HIV, although there is a chance that his current medical condition may lead to Lymphoma but then there is nothing I can do now except to trust God.
  3. I thank God for my bonus and the recognition I have received be it from management or from volunteers and their parents
  4. I thank God for showing me how there are still nice people throughout the time I did kettling and for sending passionate volunteers to me to busk in their passion to help
  5. I thank God for my leg that the pain seems to be going away (though it seem to come back again after standing to kettle for 2 hours)
  6. I thank God for comforting me throughout the past 2-3 weeks and for speaking to me, by sending friends, bible verses to encourage and also through sharing by Nick Vujicic, Nanz-Chong Komo and today Datok Chua Jui Meng. I thank God for taking away quite a bit of my negative emotions last Saturday
  7. I thank God for watching a friend spiritually
I thank God for bringing to me Isaiah 41:8-20 in time to share with cell. I was at a loss not knowing what to share for cell yesterday but God, you brought the verse to minister to me when one of my colleague opened his diary and there staring at me was Isaiah 41:10:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

It is interesting how so many bible verses were given but none spoke to me at such a deep level than this. Following my recent saga, sharing by Nanz-Chong and Nick Vujicic, it became clear that you had wanted me to share about the topic of failure. You brought me Isaiah 41:8-20 and showed me how (i) you have chosen us and not rejected us; in fact we sometimes reject ourselves (v8-9), (ii) that we should not fear as you are we us (v10) and (iii) that through our weakness, your glory will be shown as we stand as testimonies (v18-20). Following Nanz's sharing, it became clear to me upon reflection that I am still learning to hang in there and trust you because sometimes when the tough gets going, it can be tough to hang on. But, I have learnt that the following worked for me:
  1. How I still trust that you are real and in control from how I see you work on a daily basis and trust that you have your plans for me (Jer 29:11)
  2. How I stuck on in your community because it is tempting to just pack and leave and because you DO send people to uplift me, even though sometimes in surprising ways. I have also learnt that You can send people but then it is whether we sometimes open ourselves to help from them
  3. How keeping a thankful heart (1 Thess 5:18) and seeing how you work in my life, through regular thanksgiving and through this blog has helped me to continue to have trust in You.
  4. How I believe I can claim on Your promise made that You have your plans for my ministry and when you send me verses, circumstances, people and sharing to encourage me on, I can claim that promise
I continue to give thanks that cell even went on to discuss about the Christmas party next week and how for the first time I felt the discussion went well with people contributing ideas and agreeing to come together to make sushi, spaghetti and prepare for the game. Even though the cell started with a bit of awkwardness, I thank God for every single people He had brought this this cell because I can see how He does have a plan for this cell to reach out and minister to a special group of people; the backslided, heart-broken and misled. I also get the sense that God is saying that not all will stay and even though this cell will be a point of contact, it will be a critical point of contact for the person's spiritual growth. And I will hold on to that promise.

Thanks God for Cyber-Fellowship
Then, I also thank God for bringing me in touch with an old friend online who is overseas. I thank God for using us to encourage each other on. It is amazing how we have been chatting online and sharing testimony when we have seldom talked at such depth or at such length in the past. And bible verses and words just come at the right time, so much so I felt that the conversation was led by the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 15:23b (KJV) "and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!".


Thanks God for Showing My Passion for Return of the Lost
I also thank God for the wonderful experience at service today. Thank you for bringing Datok Chua Jui Meng to share his powerful testimony with us. Through his testimony, I have come to realise how You have your plans for Your people and how You can use them to bring people back to you. I can see how You had used a man like Datok Chua, a former Minister of Health for Malaysia and how you have worked in his life and his family. His story was really dramatic but everything from his possession, to the kidnapping of his son, blessing of child to his daughter-in-law who was barren, visions and prophecies, I have come to see how powerful you are.

And for once today, You have overwhelmed me to go down to pray for others and I thank You greatly for having the chance to intercede for others, as You send me to intercede for this teenage who wanted so much to rekindle his walk with you and this man who had knee problem. For once, I prayed and prayed and prayed and teared for the person in front of me, for once I layed hands on a person and he wept and wept, for once I felt the passion for other's lives. Thank you for the song today which had ministered to me, Jesus the Same, a song which had spoken to me and made me realise again how wonderful You are, showing me how You were a wonderful counsellor, mighty God, eternal Father through my recent saga. It also made me realise my passion to see the lost return. It was indeed an overwhelming experience as I sang the line from the Song Hosanna, " Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You" and I saw my friend who I have been praying for to return to You walk past to be seated by the usher. Deep inside me, I gave thanks for it. I have come to realise that you have been given the passion of seeing the lost return and this passion, I realise, was one which I have never had... which explains how my heart was giving thanks deep in my heart as I prayed for the youth who wanted to refresh his walk with you and as he wept, I teared along with him. Yes, you are Jesus the Same, the Saviour who is always faithful and who always longs for God's people to return. You are always the same, the same counsellor, the same loving father and mighty God.




Jesus the Same
Praise the name of Jesus
Perfect Redeemer, Star of the Morning
Yesterday, today and forever
Jesus the Same...

There's a fire that burns in our hearts
To see the lost return
To the Father
And it's a passion that's not of our own
We have seen it in the Son
In the face of the Son

Wonderful Counsellor
Mighty God, Eternal Father
Prince of Peace

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.


Rescue
You are the source of life
I can`t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

Chorus:
Cause I need you jesus
To come to me rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name
By which I am saved
capture me with grace
I will follow you
I will follow you

My heart is your for life
I need your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in you

Bridge
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)

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