Maybe I Shouldn't Be So Nice

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Sighhh... just finished my planning for volunteer management for a large scale project this Saturday.

Frankly, I hate carnivals; so tough to do but thank God He sustained me through everything. What is exasperating is not the planning but the fact I have literally been left alone to do something which is not even my project! Maybe I am too nice. I am not even sure why am I full-involved in managing the volunteers for this centre and yet I do not see much support coming from the centre to help me with volunteer management, sighhh... I have initially agreed to come on board to provide some support expecting that some support will be given from the centre but alas, no!

Anyway, this will be the last that I will be this nice. Gonna draw boundaries because I just can't cope! In future, if centres do not commit manpower resources to plan with me, then I will not be involved in their projects! Not fair that here I am, work not fully done with tonnes of work still piling and I have to help with their work.

OK, enough of griping and back to work. Have to do my part-time work now, plan for cell discussion tomorrow.

Emotionally Charged Hour

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I don't understand, I just don't understand... days seems to be an emotional rollercoaster for me nowadays, or at least for the past couple of days...

This morning, I am feeling happy, shocked, sad and frustrated all at the same time, all within one hour...

Early in the morning, I woke up and decided "OK! Today is a brand new day and I will put in my all for my work and to plan for tomorrow's cell group discussion later this evening". Then just as I was making my way to work, came a sms from Stitch-Giver. She bought me macmuffin! Yup, hahaha, that's enough to make my day.

Then when I came into office, I learn that my guardian angel has tendered her resignation yesterday. Oh no! Another goodbye and this time it is my guardian angel. I looked at her in disbelief and when I started to ask why, she told me that she will talk to me another time because she doesn't want to get all emotional about it. I can say that my eye is on the verge of tearing... As if seeing so many departures is not enough, now one of my fellow colleague and friend is leaving... too much for me to take... We did talk a bit later and I really wish her all the best.

Dear Guardian Angel, I am dedicating this post to you and wish you all the best. Pray that you will find your purpose for God's kingdom soon. Will always remember you.

So, was happy, shocked and sad and now come the angry part.

Just as I was griefing, I opened my inbox and there lies a mail from one of my VC who has just sent an email to me, my boss, her boss and some other volunteers, complaining about another volunteer! I do not mean to be mean but then how much more low EQ can one get? Fuming mad!! By this time, I really cannot be bothered (because this is not the first time I am so mad with her for her tactlessness) and I responded to her to ask that volunteers be excluded from all such future correspondences. Argghh!

God forgive me for the recklessness and lack of patience in this.

Down Then Up

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Today really started out relatively on a bad note...

Firstly, I was caught by surprise when I heard some negative comments about some people who I have worked with. That did make me feel quite uncomfortable because I have never seen these people in this light. I get all jittery when I start having doubts of people who I have been trusting as genuine people. Maybe just a fear of being hurt again...

Secondly, I got the sobering email from my cell leader about how upset she is not seeing me actively taking over cell.

Enough to give me quite a bit of headache by mid day.

But then, I thank God for the other half of the day when things began to lighten up...

I thank God for wonderful colleagues and especially Stitch-giver who came by to cheer me up. I shared with her how down I was feeling and then came this email greeting, reminding me that despite feeling down, I can thank God for...

• having eyes to read the email!
• having the mental capacity to think through the e-mail..
• having good colleagues who bought lunch for me so I can have some time to myself.. (I stayed back in office during lunch to have some time to myself)
  
• having a God who is faithful and will never fail! =)
• we might make mistakes, but He won't! so since He placed me there, He will help me through it all! =)

The "cheer-up" email from Stitch-giver

A good reminder. It did put back the smile on my face. It did make me feel hope that there are still nice colleagues around. Things just began to lighten up from this point...

I thank God for being affirmed by my boss. After a meeting, we talked in private for a while and started to talk about my long-term career plans in this organisation. Maybe I am a person who needs affirmation and it sure feels good to be affirmed and appreciated for the work I have done so far. Glory be to God for blessing my ministry here because I could never have done what I have done despite not having experience in what I am doing prior to joining. And all these was done in just one year. Praise be to God!!

I also thank God for good news from my volunteers who called to inform me that they managed to get funding for their project. They wanted to bring our children beneficiaries for an outing and had applied for funding from NYC. However, they didn't get any news about it and went ahead to plan a kachang puteh sale in school to raise funds. So when they learn about their proposal for funding was approved, they called to share the good news with me and it really made me so so happy.

I thank God for a good talk with my cell leader in the evening. I had a good talking to by my cell leader but I am glad the phone conversation went and ended well and I managed to clarify that I have not been supportive not because I am reluctant to take up CLT role but because I had been quite maxed out at work and also partly, having issues with confidence. But I did bring away with me a few reminder points, that as a CLT, I need to remember

• to work with God and trust in Him, relying on His might and not only on mine
• to work for the glory of God and not for mine
• exercise wisdom, prioritise and draw boundaries as necessary to prevent from burnout
• continue to talk to the Lord

OK, anyway, I have committed to lead cell this week so pray for me...

A Sobering Email

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Lunch now, but I have decided to skip lunch today because I am having a little headache now... Just received a sobering email from my cell group leader telling me frankly that I cannot keep using "no confidence" as an excuse to not lead cell.

I don't really blame her for sending me the email because over the past couple of weeks, I haven't seem to be supporting much and each time she asked me to lead word or cell, I would seem rather, well, reluctant is the word. Partly is because I am not confident and partly because I have been real stretched over these past few weeks with projects etc. I know I cannot use "no confidence" as an excuse and have to step up to take on more. I am already actively trying to cut down on my existing commitments so I can focus on cell leadership.

As I say, I don't blame her for the email since I can sense the frustration of having to do so much, planning cell activities, drafting cell announcement emails, going for meetings, preparing for missions, preparing to lead Word discussion for the week, all above her work as a social worker. And then, she has to deal with a CLT who seems to be taking forever to get ready; taking very small baby steps. Frankly, I really appreciate her for what she has done (despite being quiet about it) and I did send back an email to say my "piece"; to assure support and more involvement (and that I am trying to cut down on my commitments) and finally to also tell her how much I appreciate all her work.

Although I don't blame her for the email, but somehow, I still don't feel very good. One part of me, I understand what she is going through and empathise with her but on the other hand, I am like going "hey, I have just stepped up for barely a few weeks".

Stitch-giver did pop by earlier and after talking to her a little and reflecting a bit, it became clear that I am not feeling good because I feel kinda feel misunderstood and also guilty. Misunderstood that I am not fully not taking a step forth because I am not confident when the truth is that I have also been real stretched during this period. Guilty for leaving my CL in the lurch... Perhaps, it is really an mismatch of expectations problem; maybe my CL is expecting me to take over asap while I am expecting to slowly learn the ropes from her. May need to clear this up.

OK, few more minutes to end of lunch but just no mood to work le... sighh...

Top It Up!

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Today's sermon was on being filled by the Holy Spirit. And it felt different today.

At the end of the sermon, we were asked to step forth to the front if we want to reaffirm ourselves and receive the Holy Spirit. After hesitating for a while, I stepped forth and knelt down in repentance.

As I raised my palms in worship and prayed, I felt my hand tremble (I had seen people's palms tremble during worship but this is the first time it is happening to me). I then felt a ministry worker coming to put his hands on mine and he began to pray for me... He was praying for the gift of tongues to come unto me but somehow I think I had on several occasions already prayed in tongues. Anyway, it was a unique feeling that I had and I remember thanking the ministry worker when we were done with prayers and when I left the front, there was this fragrance from my hands :)