Meet Me at the Well?

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Getting Down to Action
Yesterday was so "happening"! Firstly, I finally "got into action" after confirmation of a few final details for the Cyclone Nargis fundraising project and I was working against time to try to mobilise as many volunteers as I can for the event next week.

And I thank God that me and my colleague had a little "foresight" and designed a checklist for a similiar fundraising project last year, so all we had to do was to whisk out that checklist and make sure everything on the checklist is done. So forms were quickly changed, information kit updated, volunteer management system prepared and the broadcast made to over 2000 people on my mailing list. It's the first time I am involved in mobilising volunteers for a disaster but I thank God that things worked out well and by the end of the day, quite a number of things were achieved. Now I just have to wait for monday to launch the system and schedule the volunteers who signed up. All things come to a standstill for now as I work on this because I have come to realise, even though what I am doing is not direct work, I still play a part in supporting our organisation's relief work there and to help fundraise... it just didn't feel good taking things slowly while I know people are suffering... boss sent me an email and little did I realise the devastation caused by Cyclone Nargis (and I was still thinking it is just any normal natural disaster). According to the media, here are what the Myanmese people have to deal with:

• Many lost their homes (which are filmsy to begin with)
• Life is made more miserable with the rainy season and people need shelter
• People are scrambling for shelter
• Food is in short supply and has doubled in price (a bag of rice could cost at least S$20)
• People and children are exposed to the elements and falling sick, some with fevers and blisters
• There is danger of epidemic if medical supplies do not get to them soon
  
• People losing touch or even losing their loved ones
• Some say there are dead bodies lying around everywhere in the outskirts and further flung places like the Irrawaddy Delta
• Electricty supply and communication services are working only intermittently
• As at yesterday, estimated about 80,000 people killed and many missing

Dead bodies, damaged homes, displaced people, we can play a part... (Photos from The New York Times)

Prayer Request for Myanmar
We cannot imagine the devastation the people have to deal with and especially the anxious Myanmese nationals away from home with the frustration of not being able to get through to their loved ones. Many are also forming volunteer groups and also showing up to offer their help as volunteers. Let's continue to keep them in prayer during this time of crisis. Let's help pray for comfort, for God's covering, for the government to remove restrictions for aid agencies to enter in. Let's continue to pray for wisdom of the people planning relief efforts and for creativity in working against the odds and challenges, in bringing help to the people who need it. Pray for hearts of people to be stirred, to use their God-given gifting in rendering help to the victims. And to also pray that the love and grace of God be known in the lands and people, that God will come and bless the people.

Doing our Part
I also thank God upon hearing how our people from the local office has been quick to help in any way they can... Indeed, I can see how God has not only watched over the children by moving them out of the old building but has also used this building to bless the many who has come to seek refuge... Despite having having most part of its roof damaged and food stock dampened by the rain, it is still great to hear the homes still trying their best to provide shelter and also cooking and distributing the rice. I have also learnt that the wells at the home has been spared from the Cyclone and has been "hard at work", being pumped with generators almost non-stop, for distribution of water to the affected. Several other buidings, which were by this time, over a century old, were not spared though and were damaged and structurally unsound to stay in or even repair. Anyway, given all that the international community and my organisation is doing, I am motivated to do my part for the affected and help in anyway I can, short of going down since I do not know how I can help there. (Picture "Watersplash" by Paolavb)

Langkawi, Here I Come (With My "New" Old Camera)
I also thank God for a new camera which I had bought from a lost-and-found charity sale... I wasn't intending to get a camera but then with the upcoming trip to Langkawi and also my long time dream of getting a SLR (but not being able to afford it), the DMC-FZ18 caught my eye and I bought it, for less than $100! The camera resembles a SLR (though it is not) and is surprisingly light, with 8.1 megapixels and 18x optical zoom. Wow, real powerful for a sub-$100 camera :D What a steal! Now, I can go to Langkawi and take nice shots :D Thank God for the camera! (Picture from CNET Asia)

Thanksgiving for Cell
I also thank God for cell last night and everything went well, till the end of the session.
Firstly, I thank God that I had been able to minister to someone through my SMS in the morning. A member had shared how a SMS I have sent in the morning, from Joshua 1:9b had helped her deal with her anxiety. Thank you God for using the SMS because I had initially been prompted to send to another member to encourage him on but You had prompted me to send to everyone in cell. Secondly, I thank God that I was a little extroverted yesterday, able to sustain conversations with people. Thirdly, I thank you God for opening people up in cell; already I can see people opening up and sharing. Fourthly, I thank you God for guiding the discussion yesterday and it was a fruitful discussion yesterday, interspersed with personal sharing. Little would I have thought that people would open up to share and there was very rarely silent moment as people continued to discuss and share their own questions and observations... And to think I was so worried yesterday how I was going to lead the discussion. Fifthly, I thank you God for preparing the people for the session and how surprisingly everyone chose songs of the same theme and how the songs all tie in very well with the angle I am going to take for the discussion. I stood amazed at how all these happened. Sixthly, I also thank God that You had brought my former leader back safe from China and continue to watch over her as she seeks treatment and investigations in Singapore... it does sound like a terrible time she is going through now but God, heal her.

You! Misinterpreter!
However God, something made me rather upset yesterday, till today and I can't seem to forgive myself. Throughout the week, I was ministered to by John 4 on the woman at the well. And I have come to realise how my waywardness and anger has caused me to be far away from you and refusing to come to meet you at the well for refreshment. As I continue to think about cell throughout the week and how well and water keeps coming back to me, I felt I wanted to use this story of the woman at the well to help people ponder about:

• What wells have you been drinking from?
• Jesus, just as he waited at the well for the Samaritan woman, is also waiting by the well for you, what is your response?
• Are you letting your sin turn you away from Jesus? What would have happened if the Samaritan woman turn away in her shame as a Samaritan woman and a woman with many husbands, on seeing Jesus the Jew? There is nothing that Christ do not know, just as He knows about the woman's past.
• Why don't you commit yourself to visiting the well everyday to be refreshed by Christ?
  

But then, halfway through an exercise I told my members to do, my former leader whispered to me I misinterpreted the passage which is about salvation, and then later, she passed me a slip of paper to let me know not to focus too much on "feelings" e.g. feeling of dryness... At this point in time, I froze! Because, it suddenly dawn unto me that I could have really misinterpreted the passage and frankly, I became very silent towards the end... There were a series of thoughts going on in my head at this point in time, almost like a self-dialogue:

• Codfishy, how could you?! Of all people, you have misled your people!
• But this was what I have been ministered to personally by this during this week, am I wrong? Why can't the passage be about salvation but then I am just using this as an opening and opportunity to help people ponder about their sin and how they are responding to it?
• Anyway, who is she (my former leader) to come and tell me what to do? She is doing it all over again, just as in the past, making me feel bad about myself...
• But then, codfishy, why are you feeling upset about it? It was shared with the intention to help you and shouldn't you be glad that she is here? Maybe God had intended you to share about this to let people reflect upon their sin and then have her to help bring people back to realisation the passage is essentially talking about salvation? Anyway, she could have been less loving and "challenged" you in front of everyone but she did not.
  
• But then, I do not feel good at all. I still cannot believe how I can misinterpret. How can I be a leader like that? Maybe I am not cut out to be one after all.
• You are at it again! All negative!
  

Wishing Her the Best
I am still affected by it and cannot believe that I misinterpreted the passage. I feel very lousy now. God help me with the negative feeling... Anyway, I have also decided to officially forego pursuing KM... I think there are just things not meant to be and I am not ready for a relationship. I do not deny that there have been some recent ill feelings in me about her; how she sometimes make me feel bad about my leadership and how she always seem closer to others than me... anyway, I won't carry this burden anymore and decided to officially let go. I wish her all the best and hope she finds someone who can care for her, love her and take care of her.

A beautiful song I learnt yesterday:

A Pure Heart


A pure heart, that's what I long for.
A heart that follows hard after Thee;
A pure heart, that's what I long for.
A heart that follows hard after Thee.

A heart that hides Your Word
So that sin will not come in.
A heart that's undivided
But one You rule and reign;
A heart that beats compassion,
That pleases You, my Lord.
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to Your throne.

Seeing God @ Work Again

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Of course God is at work at every moment in time but then after weeks and weeks of feeling distanced from God, I am beginning to see God at work again in my life and this really made me excited...

Starting from the morning. We had devotion today and we were being updated about the Myanmar Cyclone Disaster and thank God for the watching over the children of one of our homes in Yangon, Myanmar. Just a couple of weeks ago, our organisation had just completed building the new building for the home and the beneficiaries moved into the new building from the old building, which, I think was over a century old. And then the came the cyclone which hit Yangon. We really give thanks to God for watching over the children.

Then, after the devotion, I again witnessed how God works yet again in my work ministry. For many times, whenever I needed a volunteer, God provides. This time round, I had been thinking about shooting a short video to showcase the volunteer opportunities in my organisation and started to think where I can get volunteers to help me with that. Then, right after the devotion, I received a call from a lady who used to work in a media ministry with another Christian organisation. She was calling on behalf of another friend who was looking to showcase the work of our volunteers in his video production. And I was able to share with her my volunteer needs in this area and she agreed to help me look into it :D

Then, in the afternoon, her friend called me and it turned out that this guy, the executive producer, is actually is mediacorp artiste. It was really funny hearing the voice of this artiste over the phone and we agreed to meet later that afternoon to discuss further. Well, he came to my office and we talked and it was, wow, so exciting because this is the first time I am talking to a mediacorp artiste at such close proximity and also for such an extended time. He, despite the tough and fierce character he always portrays on TV, is actually a very friendly guy. Also a Christian, he talked passionately about his video production and how he is looking for people to help portray positive values to inspire people. This will be broadcasted over TV sometime soon. OK, this kind of made my day quite a memorable one. Just before we parted ways, I mustered up courage and actually asked if he would help me in any way with my video production to showcase volunteer opportunities in my organisation and to my surprise, he said he would help and might even get his son to come in to help :D Thank God!

Then, I was also starting to work together with my colleagues to put together a fundraiser event for the Myanmar Cyclone Disaster Relief next week. Things had to move quickly. This is my first time involved in a disaster relief programme and the project made it necessary to mobilize volunteers within a short span of time. While it is exciting, it is also challenging. But as I pondered, I have come to realise how God has blessed our organisation with a colleague and brother-in-christ, who worked closely with me, and we now have two systems which made mobilizing volunteers and managing them a breeze. It just took a little setting up and configuration and we are good to go... Then, God also brought people into my path, 1 corporate volunteer, 2 student bodies and also 1 school who expressed interest in helping with the upcoming fundraising project. If they were to come on board, then that would make recruitment of volunteers easier. Thank God for that.

Then, it seems like more and more centres are coming on board to use my "services" in volunteer management; centres which traditionally did not engage much volunteers and this is really getting exciting. I hope my work is paying off and the organisation is slowly becoming more volunteer-friendly as people believe in the value of volunteerism and how it helps our organisation achieve our mission. So I thank God for that and how I had also been affirmed by the in-charge of this centre.

Meet Me at the Well

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The Tiredness
I am really very tired and I do not even know why? I can be sleeping for 8 hours but
then still feel tired... in fact, mornings are the most horrible when I struggle to get out of bed.

• Work-wise, I am coping rather well and I can even remember it being worst in the past, so it does not make sense I am tired.
• Ministry-wise, I had also been through worst last year with all the struggles.
• And after the tiring week a couple of weeks ago, I am having more evenings to myself now and having more time to rest.
  

So why am I so tired?

The Answer
It didn't become clear to me until I got my hands on a book last week... and yet, it's an unlikely book that I bought.

I was meeting some former JC friends for dinner and while waiting for the rest, one of my friends suggested dropping by Times the bookstore because he needed to get a book. And so we went but little did I expect to get any books. In the end, my friend did not get his book but I got a book for myself... a most unlike book because:

• Firstly, I did not intend to get a book, just wanted to accompany my friend,
  
• Secondly, little would I expect to get a Christian book in a bookstore like Times,
• Thirdly, the book is a book written for woman

But nonetheless, the book kind of spoke to me as I picked it up as I read behind...

• "Ever wanted to crawl into a hole and cry?"
  Well not as bad yet but yes, on some days
• "Virelle felt the crushing impact of people depending on her, even when she had nothing left to give"
  Well, for me it's not that bad but then I do not understand why I sometimes feel so drained out with people and burdened by their spiritual walk. In fact, I did no even understand why I am less sensitive to people and show less compassion to people nowadays.
• "That's when God stepped in. Just as Jesus did when He met the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4..."
  Yes God, I long for You and to walk close to You again. I once felt that I was walking close to You but nowadays, it seems like futile trying to keep up with my quiet time and prayers but then yet I feel so far away, not knowing why. Well, maybe it is my waywardness which has caused me to be distanced from God but then God, I long to walk with You and experience You again in my life, just as before... I long to be refreshed by You as You had refreshed the Samaritan woman.
• "If you are a caretaker for everyone but yourself, grab this book, a journal, and a few moments of your day to meet with Jesus. Refresh your soul at His well of Living Water."
  OK, I need to get this book.

I seldom feel this way about books because I always joke with others that despite being a student librarian for many many years and had even served as president and vice-president of the club a couple of times, I do not read at all; I am, well, not an avid reader. But this book spoke and I decided I needed to get the book despite it being written for woman, I didn't care even if you caught me reading it on the bus because I really needed refreshing from the Lord. But thank God the book does not look feminine in any way; at least it is not bright pink or anything but a soothing green with the picture of a wooden bucket, with the words "Meet Me At the Well" at the top, as if God was giving me instructions to journey with Him to the well, where He will refresh me... dare I miss this ticket? (Right, "Meet Me at the Well" by Virelle Kidder")

Hmm, a side note... first it was the aqua aerobics and now a woman's book.... hmmm hahahaha...

What Well Have You Been Drinking From?
OK, it is a few days of reading it now and reading the devotion on the first day has set me thinking about why I might be feeling so distant from God and so empty... On the first day's devotion, Virelle wrote:

"Take a moment and list in your personal prayer journal all the things that drain you..."
Well... I was sitting beside the bus stop waiting for my bus home as I pondered this question and indeed, there were a lot of things draining me but then these can be summarized into two words: "anger" and "waywardness".

I have to agree that I had been dealing with quite a bit of anger issues over the last few weeks and one had even made me "blare out" my displeasure with a "former" cell member to KM when we were talking over the phone on Sunday. The reason I used the word "former" is because there had not been a confirmation whether this member is in or out of my cell but he has not been coming to cell for a very very long time now...

But last week, something happened which made me feel really really lousy... I was at a combined fellowship event with my fellow leader's cell and I had earlier messaged everyone in my cell about the event. Despite asking everyone if they are coming, I had not heard anything from this member. The next thing I know, I learnt from someone from the other cell that he is coming. And subsequently, when he turned up, I just stood in one corner, not knowing how to interact with him. Yes, I was utterly disappointed that he chose to ignore me and this is not the first time. Yet I did not want to go over to greet him, like a hypocrite, as if nothing happened.

On one hand, I worry about his and his wife's spiritual growth and kept them on our cell's mailing list because I know they have not settled into any cell. But, on the other hand, I struggled to talk to him about it because I know he is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do and plus I have had several bad experiences with him; one being the SMS incident and in another, I was so mad with him when he "immaturely" bad-mouthed my boss and my organisation (where he was also working in) in front of many people, despite me knowing how my boss is like and the work my organisation is doing. Yes, it has been a long long time but I am still hurt and angry. I just did not understand why there is such people? And whenever I SMS him, most of the time, there is no reply. Then, I had to deal with anger with KM, with E, with my sister, with myself. Yes, anger seems to be dominating my life these few weeks and I don't feel good about it at all...

I am drained by:

• my work:
  while it is still enjoyable, I just seem a little burnt out and tired.
  
• my ministry:
  I am increasingly feeling inadequate again and sometimes feel that I am not doing enough to help my members to grow... there's so far 4 who have not been coming to cell and I had not been able to pluck up the courage to talk to them about it, 3 new visitors who are not regular and again I have not the courage to follow-up with them, 1 who had been saved last year but yet has not even visited my cell once and I had done another about it and 1 seems to be stagnating in cell (and the danger of moving out of this cell and church), looking all bored and when asked if he has anything to share, he would say "no". And I couldn't help but feel bad when again I felt led to organise a brief prayer meeting after second service on Sunday but in the end, 2 were engaged in ministry so cannot come, 2 forgot, 1 could not join us because she had went for the first service and 1 suddenly tell me he is in another church that day.
  
• my family:
  There are just some things which could be better and I sometimes ask God why I am placed in this situation.
  
• myself:
  Disappointed with myself for seemingly being busy and having a thousand and one things on my mind that sometimes I become insensitive to other's feelings e.g. how I had not been sensitive enough to actually allow for someone to arrange for a movie outing during the combined fellowship last Friday and how I was not sensitive enough to not finish the popiah made by my cell member's mum and leaving with my members for dinner... how could I?!
  
• my health:
  The pain is all coming back to me now again and I am limping all over again. Just last Sunday, I had fell off a chair and hurt not only my back but also my left wrist, which was suffering from strained tendons... the fall had caused a bit of pain on my back and wrist and this is really draining my energy everyday, coping with the pain.
  
• my relationship:
  I really do not know where I am going with KM. In fact, I felt angry with KM again last Sunday, even though she shared with me, in good intention, about how it was not ideal to leave for a movie amidst the combined fellowship last week, thinking "who are you to tell me?".
  
• my spiritual walk:
  My waywardness to the Lord and letting myself again and again break His commandments e.g. with anger etc
  

I have come to a stage I do not even know where I am heading... I can be so tired on some days but not even know what made me so tired? I think I really need a break from everything and yes, I am scheduling a little trip to Langkawi mid May and can't wait for the break away from everything, from all obligations and a time in which I can have to myself, a time in which I can re-orientate myself with God.

How Thirsty Are You?
Then, Virelle Kidder went on:
"Tell God what you are thirsty for. Is it rest? Comfort? Order in your chaotic world, wisdom to make tough decisions, grace to let go, acceptance of unwanted change in your life? Don't try to dress things up in church clothes. Pour out your complaint to God and cry or rail on His shoulder. He loves you and He will listen."

What am I thirsty of? God, I am thirsty of rest, I am thirsty of wanting to walk closer to You again and see You at work everyday of my life, I am thirsty for Your forgiveness in all the things I have done wrong, I am thirsty that I may do your work, I am thirsty for grace and forgiveness to forgive others for all the hurts they have caused me, I am thirsty for forgiveness foe myself, I am thirsty for You to guide my life as before and help me to deal with the temptation to be wayward.

I became clear that not getting right with God has

Refiners's Fire

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Create in me a Clean Heart

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

Who?

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Well, a funny video that speaks for itself :D