Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

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I always amaze at how God speaks throughout the week; to teach me object lessons about the topic to be discussed in cell that very week. It has been some time since I last felt this way, maybe it is also because cell had recently taken quite a long break.

This week, the sermon was on John 15:1-17, which gave the analogy of Jesus as the vine and how, we the branches, are to remain in the vine in order to be fruitful. And yup, at some point in the middle of the week, I just became so heavily weary that I had just wanted to call it quits for God's ministry; I had wanted to just let go of it all because it was becoming too tiring to care for people, to worry and be burdened for them, to get upset when I see people not walking closely with the Lord and yet not know what to do and I can do is just feel disappointed and even sometimes rejected. I was tired and weary and just as I was working on an life challenge with one member another crops up. Soon, I found myself asking if someone else would indeed do a better job than me because I had recently come to realisation that it is human lives we are talking about here.

But yet, if I take it objectively and think it through, it is true that God's purpose for this cell is indeed taking shape... I had slightly more than a year ago sensed from God that this cell was to be a cell for people to be restored; to be restored to Him and also to be restored after being beaten down in life. And from what I can see from what God is doing in the cell, I can really see it happening. And also, with all the various issues surfacing up, does it not show that people are opening up their personal lives for restoration? And hadn't I made a resolution to "be there for people" at the beginning of the year? Whoever mentioned that it would be easy? Someone has ever commented to me that my ministry seems "colourful" and indeed, as I reflect upon it, it is really by God's grace that I managed to survive through it all, all the highs and lows, the dramas in cell ministry. And I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for bringing the various people into this cell because the profile is so different and so is the calling.

But then, I had shared with KM on Thursday that though I still believe in God and trust in Him (because He had been so real in my life), I am just telling God that I can no longer take it. In the past, everytime there is a challenge, I will lift it up to Him and believe that His hands will be upon it. And yes, I can see how He works but then after a while, my confidence in myself in ministry just wanes and I ask God that I am not sure if I can hang on because I am not even sure what I am doing is indeed bearing fruit. Frankly, I do not have it easy either in my personal life and with all the challenges and also occasional unhappiness and misunderstanding between me and KM, I jst do not know how to proceed anymore.

But still, I thank God for bringing KM to my office on Thursday to just talk about it. She reminded me about the verse that brought my back to God, Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future), and I started asking myself why am I doubting when I can see God every step of the way? So, it began to got me thinking real hard again about the whole thing. KM has also made me realise once again that there are a lot of things which happen which I do not need to blame myself because they are conscious choice made by themselves and we have no control about it. I guess that is something I have to learn, not to self-blame for the decision of others. By the end of the week, I ended with the conviction again that I am going to walk right with God and just do my part, frankly, people, whether they choose to walk with the Lord or to walk with the Lord closely, it is their choice. All I can do is facilitate. God gave freewill in human to choose, just as the moment Adam and Eve chose to sin against God. Ultimately, if the Christian faith is to be a relationship with God the Father, then, in any relationship, one cannot force to love.

Just before cell started, I started to give thanks to God for everything that has happened this week:

• I thank God for having the taxi driver bring back my wallet which I unknowingly lost and for helping me to be able to find him again through his company. Sent his company an email to thank him for what he did and it does feel good to send my thanks (since I was so blur the other time when I last saw him and did not know how to react)
• I thank God that the pastor who I got disappointed with last Saturday wrote back to apologise for stumbling. Frankly, when I sent out the email on Monday, I was still a bit angry (though I had prayed for peace). But as I prayed, I asked God to help me pen the email and help me do it more with the purpose of edifying than venting my anger. I had sent out the email and had expected not to receive a response. But thank God the pastor responded and apologised. I guess the apology did comfort my heart to know that there is hope. We ended the email "conversation" wishes each other well.
• I thank God for helping me with devotion on Tuesday and for giving me the analogy of the Christian faith being like the airport. Everything just fitted together nicely and I was amazed how it came together and how God gave me that analogy which, in my own opinion, helps to conceptualise and explain the Christian faith rather clearly to me. I am now in the midst of preparing it for devotion with the whole building 2 thursdays later and I am actually rather excited and have so many ideas how to carry it out. May God bless my preparation and use me to edify and encourage others.
• I thank God for the cell coming together for prayers on Sunday and even though it was just a small group, I still thank God that the people had came together.
• I thank God for being chosen to be featured as a graduate on my college website and how they have helped photoshopped my face so now it is smoother and less oily and shiny. Well but I still look fat hahaha.
• I thank God for continuing to speak to me through Psalm 1 throughout the week for cell discussion yesterday. As I was typing the cell email on Wednesday night, Psalm 1 on the tree planted by streams of water came to mind. On the very next day, Psalm 1 was covered for my corporate devotion. Personally, I am blessed by the verse and it spoke of how I needed to continue to remain in God and be planted by "streams of water", as the tree had been, to be nourished.
• I still thank God for wonderful colleagues
• I thank God for bringing a volunteer to come to visit on Thursday and how we talked about our spiritual walk. I thank God for using me to encourage this volunteer and for also using him to show me about remaining in God's word. It was really evident that God used the session because I can tell He is present whenever conversations just flowed and I become amazed at the things I say; things that in the end also blessed me. Though I had not been prepared for the talk, God had helped me share about my own walk and how I had come to see God's word as powerful and also ministering, always at the right time. This young volunteer had shared how he is not part of any church (though he is looking) and how he is inspired by praise and worship music but finds reading the bible rather a chore. He was taught by someone that as long he prays, it will be OK. But I felt a prompting to share with him how I too jad struggle to read the bible but over the past 3 years, God had spoken through His word far too many times and soon it became cool to read His word because I had wanted to know what He had to say about certain things in my life and also to get to know Him better. And as I shared, stories of several people like Horatio Spafford, John Newton and Eric Liddell (as portrayed in the movie "Chariots of Fire") came to mind. I personally did not know how blessed he was but I personally was blessed through the words that God had gave me and spoken through my mouth.
• I thank God for showing me, before cell started, that what has happened throughout the week, has showed me what it means to "remain in Him" (John 15:4) i.e. to remain in His WILL for me and my ministry and his WORK of reaching out to people, to remain in His WAY from my reflection on the disappointment with the pastor, to remain in His WORD from my reflection on my talk with the young volunteer, to remain in His WORSHIP even through the darkest of moments, remembering His faithfulness, grace, love, hope and promise.
  
• I finally thank God for a fundraiser project that went well. Over the past few entries, I had mentioned how I had a terrible time managing the project last December but then as we came together to debrief with the staff, I thank God I was able to do up the debrief slides, to carry out the debrief confidently and to also motivate (I hope I did) with all the stories and affirmations from volunteers about the impact the project had on their lives. It was really great hearing some of the things that came out from my staff, who shared about their experience working with volunteers and how it was a joy working with them, how some of them became regular volunteers, donors and also supporters etc. I really feel great that after 3 years of hard work developing the programme, some are beginning to get the potential of volunteerism.

And cell went wonderfully well yesterday with many unexpecteds. Firstly, I thank God for putting into my heart to sing a beautiful song which I had heard recently, 有一位神，when I visited a colleague's mother's wake. As we talked at the Buddhist wake, my colleague shared how her siblings and family had allowed her to sing and pray for her late mother and when I saw the lyrics, something just spoke in my heart how maybe this song can be used at cell tonight. But I was doubtful because we have never sang Chinese worship songs before and I am not sure if the others know how to sing.

Anyway, the other amazing thing is how my cell is also one of the unique cells in my zone with young working adults and English speaking but has recently conducted our sessions in both English and mandarin. When I think back how everyone understood and felt at ease about sharing in both languages, it was just amazing.

Anyway, I thank God how when I went to the cell and when I asked about the lyrics, KM's mum actually had the lyrics. And KM chose yet another song, 一切歌颂赞美. Yesterday was so cool, singing 2 Chinese worship songs and 2 English worship songs.

有一位神


一切歌颂赞美


Spirit Touch Your Church


There are still so many things I want to thank God for cell:

• I thank God how the 2 Chinese worship song was timely because I actually found myself asking both KM's mother and sister to join us for cell for the first time and they agreed.
  
• I thank God that things just flowed during cell discussion and the words just came and people shared
• I thank God how both KM's mother and sister also shared
• I thank God for being confident in leading cell yesterday
  
• I thank God how another sister-in-christ shared about her struggle... both me and KM had been very concerned about how she was and we both, in a way, pretended that everything was the same to help make her feel comfortable. But it was great to hear her share her struggle during the sharing and how the sisters prayed for her later. I think it might also had been timely because her husband was away for his company D&D and maybe that opened her up in a timely manner to share her struggle.
• I thank God how she shared about how she is trying to cope with the struggle she is facing and how the love and grace of God had propelled her in surprising ways. I also thank God when she shared about how God answered them in a timely manner during their devotion time on Thursday evening when her husband started to doubt God and said there is no hope but the devotion just happens to be on having hope in God.
• I thank God that the Chinese worship CD which I had bought for this sister-in-christ came in handy and how it comforted her during this difficult period
• I thank God how I had the opportunity to speak to a brother-in-christ yesterday and for once saw him like opening himself up again and was able to pray for him. I had been rather affected by this brother and worried but also angry because I felt he wanted to go separate ways from God.
• I thank God when I hear how KM's situation at work turned around a bit and again how the love of God helped her in it.
• I thank God for all the material that I had been able to find for this discussion from Our Daily Bread, the worship songs, the analogy given by my sister about how the Velcro is useless when alone but is only useful when it is stuck to one another (another parallel to the vine and branches analogy) and the verse from Psalm 1.
  

At the end of the day, there were just too many coincidences and I thank God for working in all the various ways I had seen Him work throughout the week. Thank you Lord.

Potential of Volunteerism

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3 years in volunteer management and I am beginning to see the real potential of having a good volunteer programme especially for non-profit organisations:

1. Strategy to Fulfill Mission - Provides the organisation with an platform to fulfill its mission through the engagement of volunteers in helping to contribute to, extend and enrich the care of their clients
   
2. Access to Skills & Giftings - Allows the organisation access to all the possible skills available in the community
3. Volunteers as Beneficiaries - Through the past few years of working as a volunteer programme manager, I have also seen how volunteers' lives have been changed, even though indirectly and how volunteering has helped them to not only spend their time meaningfully, find meaning in life, make friends, learn skills, find their life partners, gain a different perspective to life, feel good as they see others give, gain experience for work in the non-profit sector, fulfill voluntary hours, beef up their resumes etc
4. Volunteers as potential donors & supporters - The statistics are in and the IPC study by NVPC confirms that volunteers are more likely to donate than non-volunteers maybe because they are "getting their hands dirty" and have a chance to see and experience the work of the organisation they are supporting. The volunteer programme also provides current donors with the be involved in an non-financial manner. Many vounteers who helped us with our fundraisers expressed that they better appreciate how difficult it is to fundraise.
   
5. Volunteerism as potential staff - I have also come to realise how volunteers are also potential staff especially after many volunteers enquiring about career opportunities after a recent fundraising project. Come to think about it, with former volunteers being staff, there might also be more committment at work since they would have already know the organisation they are joining as staff and volunteerism would also give the organisation the opportunity to observe potential staff at work.
   
6. Volunteerism helping to maintain transparency - In a way, the volunteer programme may also indicate the openness of an organisation; the more volunteers an organisation engages seems to also show that they have nothing to fear and how the organisation is open to members of public to come not only to partner them but also to observe them at work.
7. Volunteers as ambassadors and recruiters - Maintain a good volunteer programme and ensuring proper partnership with volunteers will also increase ambassadors and recruiters so the next time the organisation needs volunteers, current volunteers will help in getting their friends in.
8. Volunteers as potential leaders both in the organisation and outside the organisation

I have come to appreciate how when organisations invest in their human resources and their volunteer programmes, will go a long way...

Through It All

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Keep on Blogging... :D
Hmmm, it's a new year and so I am really hoping that I can come back in more often to journal... have found back the joy of blogging, mainly because it helps me to put my life in perspective as I reflect on the happenings in life and frankly, it is also exciting that sometimes through it all, I can see God work. But then, one thing I have to admit that, given all that is on my "plate" now and with a new relationship, I do have to balance things because the reality is that I do not have as much time as often to come in and blog. And especially since I have made a resolution to be there for people more, that would means to say there is going to be a shift in my priorities. So blogging, unfortunately, would have to be lower in my list of priorities. In anyway, still hope to be able to come in often, if not regularly, to journal and reflect... I still like that.

The past week had been a little exciting with many things happening:

7 Jan 2009 (Wed) - Wow, I finally managed to get myself started gyming again and stop procrastinating about the whole thing. After all, I paid so much for the gym and especially after how they handled my suspension request, the more I wanted to make sure I used the gym. Wow, still sound a bit upset but then hahaha, nonetheless, felt that maybe it will also be good since I am not getting any younger and could do with more exercise. And since I have the gym membership, why not? Over the months, managed to cut down my weight a bit from 92kg to 89kg :D (but it's probably due to stress more than anything else since I have not been working out at the gym for the longest time). But yet, different people tell me different things: "you have put on weight" vs "you have lost weight"... confusing...

8 Jan 2009 (Thu) - Today marks the first day I took the bold step to meet my cell members to catch up. I had always fear asking people out one-to-one because I fear that there is nothing to say to one another since I am such an introvert. And yeah, it was really so... there was awkward silence in the beginning but then as time went by, we shared things and I had been able to understand my cell member more. A good start to my new resolution to focus on people more this year. I thank God for helping with everything. Now I have to think who else I need to connect with :D

Today, KM is also rushing her assignment to be completed by tomorrow. Frankly, it does pain me a lot to see her all stressed up about her assignment. And I know she had also been kept away from working on her assignment because of her lethargy at work, volleyball practice and also ministry so by this time, I was getting real worried for her. But thank God, she managed to get "off" tomorrow so she would be having a little more time to work on her assignment. After meeting up with my cell member, bought coffee for her, hoping to motivate her. Reached her house at 9 but then soon after meeting her, our AO called us to discuss about ministry and that conversation took almost an hour. So by the time we finished the conversation, I prayed for her and bid her goodbye...

Also thank God for speaking to me today about encouraging my cell members. For the past few days, I have been sensing a strong prompting to pray for my cell members (although I do not know specifically what some of them are going through). But I sensed that quite a few are going through challenges and prayed to God to show me how to encourage them. The first day I prayed, I flipped open my devotional and it was on the book of Job and about responding to adversities. The very next day, I prayed again and randomly opened my bible to a short devotional and well, it was about the book of Job again. And God later also brought me 2 verses from Isaiah 40 about adversities which interestingly fitted well... Thank God for the timely verses and managed to send an email to my cell with what God has set in my heart. Do not know if it made any difference but then I trust in God and just did what I felt I was prompted to do. Hope it ministered (though I received a sms from one of my friends saying I was "naggy").

9 Jan 2009 (Fri) - Today is the 7th month of knowing KM. But then since she was rushing her assignment and I had leaders' meeting later on in the night at church, we decided to celebrate our month-sary on Sunday instead. It was a happy day. In the morning, I received a message from KM telling me she has completed her assignment and was on her way to submit the assignment. Not sure why but then I felt a strong sense of relief, both for her as well as for myself. I have to admit that the past few weeks have not been easy because she had been stressed and it was painful to see her that way. And it did not help that while she was stressed, so was I and I did feel a bit bad not being able to support her much being in such a stressed up state myself. So when she mentioned she has completed her assignment, you can imagine how elated I was. Did not have time to get her a bouquet but got her 3 stalks of pink roses and I think I blushed when her mum asked me what 3 stalks of roses meant. :D

Later that day after lunch, I managed to finish printing all the 300 letters to certify my volunteers' involvement in a recent fundraising project. I thank God that I was able to pull it off successfully because all my colleagues chipped in to help in the "production line" (as they would fondly call this kind of work) and help me slot the letters into the envelop. As I saw how everyone responded to request for help, I once again thank God for this group of colleagues who are ever so genuine and helpful. I thank God for each and everyone of them and pray that this friendship with them will last.

Then later that day, I was supposed to work on the last 3 month's report and 4th quarter report on volunteer management to our organisation's management meeting because I had been putting it off for sometime, with all the projects I was busy with. Frankly, I have always enjoyed doing reports because, even though it is really tedious getting the report done, it bears witness to how much God has helped me through and blessed me through my work ministry, without fail. Everytime I look at the completed reports and it becomes clear that with all that is achieved, it could not have been me myself but with God's grace...

Over the past 3 months, with half a manpower's help from my colleague, we had been able to work with close to 400 volunteers, survived through the whole fundraising project which worked with another 600 volunteers, discussed and prepare the relevant reports and materials for a funding programme, send Christmas greetings to all our partners and volunteers, celebrated International Volunteer Managers Day and International Volunteer Day, attend to other organisation's study tour of our volunteer programme, work on the budget for the new year, make refinements to the volunteer management forms... wow! It has been 3 crazy months but I just find it amazing I was able to sustain through all these... glory to God!

That evening, I was to attend the leaders' meeting to hear our Senior Pastor share the direction for 2009. The ministry leaders will always do this every year and this is also a time to renew our commitments as leaders to shepherding God's flock. For the past 2 years, I have always struggled with the decision whether to continue with cell ministry but the funny thing this year is that, despite knowing how challenging it can gets sometimes in cell ministry, I signed the covenant without much hesitation. Something in me went "God, I have seen you at work through all these times, transforming lives and also blessing others through me. You have seen me through all these times and despite all the pains and challenges, I still trust in You and believe in the purpose you have for this cell to reach out to hurting people, misled and backslided people. I have seen it. You yourself has also drawn me closer to You and I just love to be part of what You are doing. In fact, it is always so cool to see You at work... things which I know is more than coincidence because there just are too many 'coincidences'". And so, yes, I am here to stay, knowing that the road may not be smooth-going. Nonetheless, I did pray for Him to allow my ministry to take shape this year and for things to be smooth going. Whatever it is, still I will trust in Him.

Through It All (Acoustic), - Hillsong

Through It All
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
Im carried in everlasting arms
Youll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Oh yes, after cell that day, went home with my sister and the blur me left my wallet in the cab. At 12 plus, past midnight, my doorbell went off and it did get me a bit puzzled who it could be at this hour. I struggled to the door and the cabbie asked with a deep voice "codfishy? you left your wallet behind". I was caught by surprise and said nothing as I took over the wallet, not knowing what to say next because I did not even realise I lost my wallet. Before long, the cabbie turned and walked away. When my dad found out about it, he asked if I had gave him a few dollars to reward him for the effort. But it was only then did I realised what I had not done. But thank God for a honest cabbie. If I am not wrong, I vaguely remember his name and will be writing to his company to commend him.

A recent incident at work made me wonder if I am a person who is really very stubborn and who speaks very harshly?

10 Jan (Sat) - Yeah! Stitch-Giver is getting married today! Woke up early in the morning because I needed to be back in my office by 9am to help with car park marshalling because her wedding would be held there. Managed to reach there slightly past 9 and as I was walking to office, met one of my friends who was on her way to run some errands. The interesting thing was how later, we realised that she had forgotten her keys home and so, I can only say that it was timely that we met each other and we just spent the afternoon away reminiscing old times and talking about our friendships, relationships and also briefly about our spiritual walk. I still thank God for the timely catching-up because I do not go to office in Saturdays and it was just great to be able to meet up with her and catch up. Hope God had used me to encourage her as He had used her to encourage me in relationship.

I do not know why but it seems like this year, I kept being asked to do car park marshalling for weddings. Just within 2 months, I will be doing car park marshal duty for 2 of my friend's wedding. But then, I must say that it was quite an experience and it did make me appreciate my church car park marshalls more. I have come to appreciate how they have to sometimes face difficult people. Other than 2 person who made things difficult for us, the rest were OK and cooperated with us. There was this gentleman who drove his car right in despite us telling him that there are no lots. I realised that I was not assertive enough but still I thank God that there were no hiccups and God brought another 4 people to help me. I also thank God for keeping me safe because several times I realised how I was standing so close to the cars that the tyres could have just went over my feet. But thank God I am OK.

There was one incident which disturbed me quite a bit... There was someone who drove up to us and I gestured for him to stop his car. When he wound down his window, I realised he was one of the tenant pastors who is renting a place in our organisation. The moment he wound down his window, he looked at me with this stern look and asked "what's the problem?" and when my friend came over and assured him that his lot is still available, he exclaimed "I am a tenant, why was I not informed about this function?" I was rather disappointed that a leader of God would behave in this manner. I am just someone who is a volunteer and one who would like to bless a friend for her wedding. Is there a need to be so ungracious. Frankly, I was rather disappointed, angry and disturbed by his remarks and I think I was affected the whole day... as a cell leader, I have learnt from God to love His people, be humble and gracious (though I still fall short in many ways) but his reactions really disgust me... I guess maybe that's why some mentioned that I looked rather deep in thought the whole day...

But nonetheless, I am still very happy to see my friend getting married :D

11 Jan (Sun) - I kind of look forward to meeting KM today because we are going to celebrate our month-sary. Though we still have little small conflicts here and there, we are still learning to be with each other. I thank God for helping us through the seasons of our relationship. And today, we will be celebrating God's faithfulness in our relationship for the past 7 months. Today, I was late again for 15 minutes because I had stood and waited for the Downtown East shuttle bus for close to 15 minutes but it did not come. But thank God that though KM seemed a little unhappy, there was no conflict about it.

Felt a prompting to pray for our cell members and I was able to get quite a few members to gather outside the worship centre after service to pray for one another... one of my members shared a miracle about how after he prayed for one of his wayward brother, an opportunity suddenly came for him to sit down peacefully with him this morning to talk things through and share Christ with him. It was also amazing how this brother actually for the first time listened and changed a little after the talk. It was even more amazing how he made his way to my member's house and described how he was lost but remember there was a church near his house and it eventually led him to his house. And it was amazing how he was also open to visiting the church. Maybe God is finally doing something in his life. For me, it is always inspiring to hear him share because though he is a new believer, I can already see how his life has changed so much and how he is in turn having so much passion to want to share Christ with his family and to see lives change. Seriously, he puts me to shame sometimes... Though I had been a little disappointed earlier this morning when I learnt that 4 of my friends had skipped service but his sharing inspired me.

Halfway through the prayer, we heard screaming and it was really scary because it seemed that someone was doing deliverance. And what made me shrivel more is that I realised how I had been praying for the same person moments ago and would he had manisfested, I would not have known what to do. But thank God that as we prayed, KM prayed for the person screaming away and as soon as we stopped, the screaming soon stopped too... I really hope the person is OK.

That evening, we went to celebrate our month-sary and watched Bedtime Stories. Though it had been a simple outing and there was a call in between to provide ministry support, I still enjoyed the night out with KM.

12 Jan (Mon) - Today, I made a decision and sent an email out to the Pastor to share how I felt about his behaviour. Though I pray and did not feel as angry as Saturday, I still made the decision to send the email. Frankly, I am not sure if I made the right choice sending the email but there is a part of me who wanted to express my anger and yet another part in me who wanted to edify by bringing this to his attention, hoping he will pay attention to it. But yet, there is the other part in me which wondered who I am to correct him and whether I am really doing it for the right reasons. Whatever the reason, I do not expect him to respond.