Reflections of Melaka Mission Trip

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Thinking back, I really thank God for the trip and have come to realize how much I had been blessed through the trip. Even though it may sound cliché, but on hindsight, as I am sitting here typing this reflection, I have come to realize how God is in control all the time and I would say that this is the greatest take away for me.

Philippains 4:13 (NIV)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Mark 10: 27 (NIV)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

God’s Timing & Plans
I recall a year ago when I was doing cell planning for 2009 and I remember putting down, as one of the goals for the cell, that our cell would take up a mission trip together. Frankly, at that time, I wasn’t much hopeful that this would happen but nonetheless, I remember telling myself it is a good goal to work towards anyway and I do long to be able to anchor a mission trip together with my cell.

Fast forward almost a year later and I found myself prompted to ask my cell if they wanted to anchor a mission trip together. Initially, only 3 indicated interest and chances of it happening seemed so slim. I recall sharing with my fiancée, how I look forward to be able to join the trip. But as we are scheduled to go for marriage preparation course in church, we would only end on 27 Sep, which also happens to be the last day of missions. But, I thank God for working things out and soon, we were told that our marriage preparation course would end a week earlier instead. So that would mean that both me and KM would be able to join the other 3 trippers for the mission trip. Soon, CS, our Area Overseer, also told us that he would like to join us for the trip too, bringing the number of trippers up to 6 persons. And so we have a mission team! Thinking back, it is amazing how God has worked things out, because the early conclusion of the marriage preparation has availed me, KM and also CS (who is helping as a facilitator for the marriage preparation course). At the same time, the KAIROS course has also ended on the Saturday before the trip, a timely “graduation” as KM and TR (who helped out as KAIROS table hosts) and JY, were “launched” into missions just a few days later. All in all, it is amazing to note the timeliness of everything.

Anxiety Brews…
The pre-trip preparation was somewhat nerve-wrecking because we did not know what to expect. With only 2 out of the 6 trippers having experience with mission, and with less than two weeks left to the trip following the missions briefing, we started off feeling lost and not knowing what to do. And the thought of 6 of us setting foot onto unfamiliar grounds and meeting people we have yet to meet was enough to bring about much anxiety for me.

Spiritual Warfare
I recall the few weeks prior to the trip, the team started to meet with lots of challenges. For me, I was suddenly entering into the peak period of my work and there was a sudden increase in stress at work, so much so I wasn’t sleeping well at night and was even getting worried about going to work. Soon, I also learnt that my dad was not feeling well and was developing high fever and we had to rush him to the Accidents and Emergency and was warded for pneumonia. Along the way to A&E, my mum also got injured when she tried to get into the taxi and she accidentally knocked her face against the corner of the door. But thank God she is OK. Soon, I also came down with a bad case of flu which plagued me for days up till the eve of the trip. On my way back from the doctor’s, I had also suffered a rather deep cut on my finger as I dug for the key to my house. Things came to a point where I was so overwhelmed by stress at work, at having to deal with my father’s hospitalization, my illness and preparing for the mission trip, that I began to wonder how I am going to cope with it all. I remember turning to God and praying for Him to help me.

One night, I remember being rudely awakened by a nightmare which seemed so real. I had dreamt of a little girl but there is this evilness that I can sense in her and she held on tightly to my arm and threatened me to forsake God. I woke up in cold sweat and panting. This was the first time I had experienced something like this and as I laid there gasping, I could feel a physical pain where the girl had held on to me. The nightmare had been so real that fear began to grip me and I had to do something. I remember bringing out my bible and started to read and meditate on Psalm 23. Soon after, I felt the peace of God returning and I was able to fall back into sleep without much problem.

By this time, I was feeling overwhelmed but the more it got difficult for me, the more I was convinced that I needed to engage in spiritual warfare and pray. I remember one of our cell members commenting in an email that the fact that we are facing so much spiritual attacks does goes to show that we are most probably on the right track. Soon, I have also learnt about my sister having to deal with exhaustion both at work and with preparing for the children’s programme for the mission and there was generally quite a bit of anxiety among the trippers and people were also falling sick, even up to the eve of the trip.

As a team, we decided to fast and pray for the trip and also engaged fellow colleagues, friends, loved ones and cell members as prayer warriors to pray along with us. We were blessed when many of them willingly agreed to pray along for us. Frankly, I felt that we would not have been able to survive the whole trip without our prayer warriors and to that we give thanks to God for; we give thanks for every single one of them. The trip went smoothly because it was bathed in prayer. Talking about the power of prayer!

The Many Willing Helping Hands
As we slowly approached the day of the mission trip, I continue to see how God continued to journey with us and blessed us. It was amazing seeing how much He has helped us to achieve within a short period of time of 12 days; amidst all the stresses and anxiety and work, we had managed to meet up to practice Malay praise and worship songs, bought all the necessary logistics and work on the props for the Sunday school. It was also amazing how God has brought people into our midst to help prepare us for the trip, including ER and LY, who came to share with us their experience in previous trips and taught us Malay praise and worship songs and children action songs. We also thank God for the many cell members who have came forward to help us, including, JS, in offering her creative skills and helping us to do up the giant worship song sheets; KL, EL and RC in helping us to do up the backdrop for the skit and cut up stickers for the children. Even though it seemed like a tight deadline to have everything done up, I thank God for unity and also for joy as we went about the shopping and doing the preparations. I thank God for protecting the relationships between all the brothers and sisters and how it seemed the preparations have also brought about much bonding between the trippers.

Dealing with Anxiety
Personally, I also thank God for how he ministered to me during this period. Throughout the whole period of preparation, I can see how the team members are all so focused on doing their best to ensure the success of the trip. I do not deny that this brought with it quite a bit anxiety and stress as we thought “there are so many things to do but yet so little time”. This is especially true for me because, call it occupational hazard, I am a person who is very particular about planning as I do extensive planning to ensure success in my role at work. So by this time, I was getting all edgy with so many things to do but yet having so little time to plan. We literally had to plan as we did our preparation. But throughout the preparation phase, I sensed from God through my quiet time, how we should not focus on the wrong things and ultimately, it is not about how well the things run but it is about how both we and the people we are ministering to are blessed. Things became more crystallized when I found myself in a situation where I had to share about what God has placed on my heart, to encourage one of our trippers about this. Talking about a steep learning curve! So, it’s amazing how God has first ministered to me, and then, as if to drive the point in, caused me to minister to another.

Throughout the preparation phase, I continued to seek God to give me His word so I can encourage our trippers. So, in my quiet time, He continued to speak to me through Isaiah 40:3, Isaiah 62:10 and Isaiah 40:10 and reminded me that all we need to do is to just focused on preparing the way for Him and for His people to come to Him and how we are to continue to trust in Him that He will strengthen us and help us.

Prepare the way for Him
Isaiah 40:3 (NIV)
A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.

Prepare the way for His people to come to Him
Isaiah 62:10 (NIV)
Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

Continue to trust in God that He will be with us as we go forth
Isaiah 40:10 (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

In fact, God continued to minister to me through His word and through people even throughout the trip. I recall that on the first day in Melaka, as we were doing some last minute shopping at the local shopping mall, we entered a Christian bookshop. There, my sister came up to me with a devotional book and pointed out to me how the devotional for the day and the day before was just so timely and appropriate; about not focusing on the wrong things but on worshipping God through what we do. That evening, we had a powerful time of worship, which I sensed further drove this point deep into the hearts of our trippers.

The Body of Christ; One Body Many Parts
I thank God for blessing the team with wisdom and for how each member of the team joyfully brought their giftings to bless one another. I thank God for using me and my skills in planning to put the trip together, though I have come to realize how my planning skills was of no use midway through the trip and realized I had to rely on my other members and God). I thank God for using my meticulousness in managing the mission fund. I thank God for sustaining me through His word, and as much as I was encouraged spiritually, I do hope that I had also been able to encourage the team spiritually too. I thank God for JY for her skills and experience in working with children and how this came in handy in planning the children’s programme for the trip as she willing offered her skills and experience. I thank God for TR for her desire to serve, for her supportive role she played in the team; always ready to serve in any way and also the insights she brings to the team. I thank God for CS for his ability to confidently drive us around, for being the fatherly figure thus reassuring us, for his ability to translate for us, for his extrovertedness in engaging the Orang Aslis, and also for his humor in bringing much light hearted moments to the trip. I also thank God for DG for the joy and enthusiasm he injects to the team and for his willingness to plan out the programme and also his quick-mindedness in responding to situations. I thank God for KM for her enthusiasm, joy, her support to me during the time of trip preparation, her quick-mindedness and her facilitation of the powerful time of worship on Friday evening which spoke into the hearts of the team and also in planning the worship for the trip and drafting out the mission trippers’ booklet. I also thank God for the various people He has placed to support us as well, including the many who supported us in our preparation and pray for us, including KL, who provided me assurance when he offered to be the contact person in Singapore should my parents need help and JSH and JM who graciously agreed to help facilitate cell in my absence. God made it very clear to me how he has given each and every one of us different giftings, experiences, skills and how, when we are willing, we complement one another and can achieve much in His ministry. In fact, this was really beyond what I could have imagined because in the early stages of planning, I was still concerned how we are going to pull off the trip when I realized we only had a small team, we did not really have the time to practice worshipping in Malay with the guitar and we might not have someone who could speak Malay. But God provided and showed us that as we set forth to do His work, He provides. And as the body of Christ is willing to be a part, things are achieved.

1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 14, 25-27 (NIV)
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good… Now the body is not made up of one part but of many… so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

God’s Presence
I thank God for His presence with us throughout the trip, not only protecting us; granting us journey mercies, but even in ministering to us through a powerful time of worship on Friday, when the word came how we just needed to focus our attention on praising His name as we embarked on our projects starting the next day and not on anything else.

We thank God for his presence at Sungei Mering when we were caught by surprise and were asked to facilitate a children’s programme but yet without any plans. Nonetheless, we managed to pull together a whole programme and engaged the children. We just trust God and one another and sprung into action. And before we know it, we had managed to engage the children with action songs and the adults were finishing their sharing. By this point, I sensed God teaching me how I need to sometimes learn to rely on Him.

And I thank God for His presence with me on Sunday, as I stepped out to share my testimony with the Orang Asli. There was just a sense of peace and confidence as I faced the people, contrary to how I would feel when usually sharing in public and especially to a group of people I do not know. God gave me the words to speak and blessed my heart and gave me peace, that I found myself confidently sharing and even daring to interact a little with the locals as I shared.

A New Chapter
I also thank God for a successful marriage proposal during the trip. I had intended to propose to KM during the trip but until a few days before the trip, I was still undecided as to how I will propose as there were quite a few uncertainties I had to deal with. Nonetheless, I thank God for being able to get the proposal ring in time, for being able to be granted a day’s leave before the trip and how I managed to be sustained and finished the proposal photo slideshow in barely a few hours on Thursday early morning. I thank God for blessing me with a friend who agreed to lend me his portable DVD player and also for giving me the courage to propose. Surprisingly, at the trip, we kept seeing bridal studios, bridal cars, cakes, wedding confetti, which I believe gave me more assurance to propose to my fiancée. I also thank God for my team members giving us their blessings when they learnt that I had just proposed. I went to missions and entered a new chapter both in my life and my spiritual life.

Takeaways
I also thank God for the various takeaways I brought home with me:

• Renewed Spiritual Fervor
  Throughout the trip, I am inspired by Pastor Joseph and his team. I have had the opportunity to chat with Pastor Joseph on Friday when we first met him. I have come to be encouraged by this man, who, despite the challenges faced in his ministry with the Orang Aslis (ranging from their indifference to disruptions from the police and authorities), he continued to hold on to his ministry for years; building rapport with the Orang Asli one by one, spanning his ministry over 17 kampungs over long distances. And yet, he has but a lean team of himself, his wife and 2 other helpers. It does make me ashamed of how I have come to lament and complain when faced with small challenges in ministry to just a small number of people, in blessed Singapore.
  
  It was also amazing seeing Pastor Joseph’s helpers worship the Lord on Sunday. As another of my trippers has remarked: “they have nothing to gain out of their ministry but yet they are putting in so much to serve the Lord”, reaching out to people who might reject them but yet holding on. As I saw his helpers worship and one of them worshipping in tears, I come to realize how each one of them must have a story behind them, an encounter with God, which motivates and sustains them. As for me, I am reminded again as we shared our testimonies on Friday evening, that I have a story too and a rather powerful encounter with God. But because I am rarely revisiting it nowadays, I seem might be slowly forgetting about how God is so real in my life. I need to continue to remember what the Lord has done in my life and am thinking that it might be good for me to revisit my story on an annual basis during my spiritual retreat while continuing to be aware of how real God is in my life every single day.
  
  Psalm 77:11-12 (NIV)
  I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
  
  
• “One-Truth-At-A-Time”
  Pastor Joseph also shared about his ministry principle of sharing one bible truth at a time to the Orang Asli. I guess it is a real reality check for me to take a step back sometimes in ministry and how sometimes packing too many truth into one sharing might not be helpful and I need to cater to varying levels of spiritual growth.
  
  
• We are linked to one another to God
  During the trip, I had the chance to chat with Pastor Joseph and in the midst of talking, I had come to learn that he was classmates with an officer where I work. This officer is also the same one who persisted and shared Christ with him, bringing him to Christ. Talking about a small world! And now he is here, reaching out to, ministering to and blessing many others.
  
  Much later in the trip, I recall CS sharing how we are all part of God’s link in reaching out to His people; that we can choose to be a strong link, the weakest link or the missing link.
  
  2 Corinthians 5:17-20 (NIV)
  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.
  
  Even after I returned to work from mission trip, this continue to speak strongly to me when I heard my colleagues share how one of them shared her testimony during Alpha course the week before and as a result, someone who used to be resistant to receiving Christ, was touched and chose to receive Christ that very week. My colleague had shared that the pastor who approached her mentioned that he was prompted to ask her to share her testimony and how she, despite feeling her testimony is just a simple one, was also led by the Spirit to accept the invitation to share. And after she had shared, God used her testimony to touch the life of this lady who subsequently decided to accept Christ. Nothing is impossible for God.
  
  
• Beware of cultural Assumption
  I have come to also realized how sometimes I would bring cultural assumptions into the missions field, just as how I nearly asked a boy who was doing some colouring to use orange for skin when I realized that their cultural understand of skin colour is dark brown. And God made each and every person they way they are, despite differences in skin colour, lifestyle, habits etc. I have learnt that I needed to be mindful of my cultural assumptions I bring into missions.
  
  
• Breakthroughs
  I thank God for the breakthroughs in trip. At the beginning of the trip, I was feeling really lousy at not being able to engage the children and retreating again into my introvertedness. But as I reached the second project site at Sungei Mering, I remember telling myself that there is nothing to lose and I just needed to trust God. I did managed to break out of my negativity and became more engaged with the locals as we sang and danced to Malay praise songs.
  
  Similarly, I had initially also intended not to share my testimony because the Pastor was telling us on Saturday that we can choose what we wanted to share with the locals, either a testimony or a song item etc. But after hearing him share about his challenges with the Orang Asli and how he would like to bring them to a deeper level of worship of God; from worshipping God for the goodness they received, to worshipping God for His greatness, I decided to just trust God and hoped to share and encourage them. At that very moment, God placed in my heart a burden and it became far too difficult for me to say no to share.
  
  I was glad that I took the step of faith and could sense His peace upon me as I began to share my testimony with confidence on Sunday. Even though it was just a short version of my testimony, I trust God to be able to use it mightily according to His will.

Frankly, I can go on and on… but I just want to thank God for:

• journey mercies and how despite plans and project sites were changed, we did not get lost and managed to always find our way to different places.
• exposure to working with children on Saturday as we observed the our Malaysian brothers and sisters engage the children and how this has helped us to prepare ourselves for our second project at Sg Mering and also for Sunday School.
• blessings over the trippers’ health and there was no major health problems during the trip, with the exception of me having a breakout of rashes on my neck, which cleared up soon.
• friendly locals who welcomed us
• unity and bonding not only within the team but also with Pastor Joseph and his team there. There was even a time where the team spontaneously burst out singing hymns as we made our way to Sunday service.
• food credits for our hotel stay and so we had got to enjoyed a good sumptuous Japanese buffet on the evening of day 2.
• energy and being able to sustain through the few days despite having little sleep with all the preparation the previous nights e.g. rehearsal for skit etc.
• time for fellowship and a little eating and shopping on Sunday after finishing off with Sunday service.
• touching me as I worshipped the Lord in the midst of people of a different culture, even though I did not understand them. It was amazing and awesome to see people of different tongues worshipping the Lord together. And I can’t imagine how it would be like on the day of Christ’s return when people of every nation and tongue worship and praise Him.
• enough funds and how there is even remaining money from our fund.
• the good rest I had at the trip, being away from all my work and challenges in Singapore.

God’s New Calling?
At the trip, it was heartening to see how some of the Orang Asli children’s dream is to become a pastor and I am really happy that after all the effort Pastor Joseph has put in his ministry, that things seems to become brighter. And I trust that God will use each and everyone of them according to His will, in both big and small ways to bring many others back to His kingdom.

However, even as we are on the topic of calling, the topic of “What’s Next?” seem to be surfacing in my life recently. Even though I have thought about going into pastoral ministry in the past but it was something which I have thought might only happen sometime in the far future. But as I left Global Leadership Summit a few days before the trip, I felt a strong discontentment and burden that more needed to be done to bring God’s people back to Him. During staff appraisal the next day, my boss also asked me about my calling and even though we talked about my work ministry and how she hoped that I would stay on, it did stir something in my heart to think about this. And the trip too has placed a burden in my heart as I saw how there is still so much to be done in the missions field. Even during the trip, someone has called me “Pastor” and while I can easily dismiss this as coincidence but could this, in the string of events be indicating a new calling?

In quiet time in the beginning of October, I have learnt from the Lord about “seeking the eternal” and how toil is meaningless:

Ecclesiastes 2:22-26 (NIV)
What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

At the recent leaders’ workshop with Mike Connell, someone has also spoke about seeing a big fat juicy red tomato bursting forth and about fruitfulness, as he prayed for me. I am really not sure if God has another calling for me. For a long time, I have said that God has called me to my current workplace and will work till He calls me to another calling. But has the calling come?

I can do everything through him who gives me strength

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Wow, time flies and it is almost 3/4 of a year since i last blogged. Well, life's been busy at work and in relationship and yeah, lots of things happened. Day after day, I have been thinking of coming back in to blog, to remember all the things that have happened, but then just seemed to not be able to have enough hours in a day to do all the things I want to do...

Anyway, I had just came back from missions trip and had also proposed to KM. Thank God she agreed but with the proposal, we are ushered into a new chapter in our relationship as we now have to confront the realities of planning for the wedding... Once everyone knows that I proposed, the question that naturally follows will be "when?". Frankly, we don't know as yet and things can get a little nerve-wrecking when I think of the finances needed and also the customs that we need to observe. And I still could not speak Cantonese to communicate with KM's dad.

Anyway, we had recently finished our marriage preparation course at church and I must say that it has helped us to prepare ourselves for marriage, and know our relationship's strengths and weaknesses we have to work on.

• Not One But Two-Becoming-One - I realised that with marriage, it is no longer about myself and I but about 2 persons becoming 1... and there's quite a fair bit of readjustments needed from the single life that I am so used to. It is no longer just thinking for myself but also for my partner now; something which I am still rather weak in.
  
  
• The Marriage Vow - I have also learnt that the marriage vow is one not to be taken lightly because it is an oath taken before God. The mentor couples shared that they have agreed to take the "D" word out of their vocabulary despite how difficult it may get.
  
  
• Taking Captive of My Thoughts - I guess, for me, something I need to work on is to learn to take captive of negative thoughts that come to my mind, especially during times when disagreements happen and I may be angry with KM. But most of the time, I realised that it is not a straight forward of who is right or wrong but a matter of perspective. One of the mentor couple joked during the course that we will always feel that we are the "wronged" one. How true!
  
  Recently, while reading the book "Sacred Marriage", I have come to understand that it is possible for us to "hate" our love ones because the fact that they are our love ones means that we can be hurt real deep by them. Come to think about it, it's true isn't it, because it is after all the coming together of two sinful and imperfect people.
  
  But whatever happens, God gives us the choice of who we choose to be our partner but then He gave us the 2 greatest commandments to love Him and our neighbours. Marriage, at the end of the day, is about romanticism and how happy I, me and myself am. So no matter what, we need to stick by what we chose.
  
  No wonder 2 Cor 10:5 asks us to take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Christ... So, yes, I need to take the vow seriously and take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Him once I have chosen. I realised that I have the choice to make what we want to be affected and what not. At a recent staff devotion, someone shared about loving the person and disliking the behaviour and yes, I realised sometimes we need to remember that.
  

I also thank God for speaking to me from Jeremiah 42, reassuring me for this relationship.

Family-wise, I thank God for the work and miracles He has done in my family. It's amazing sometimes seeing how circumstances (even though bad ones sometimes) come together for the good of His plans. Now, my whole family is back in church worshipping the Lord and I can see changes happening in the family.

Ministry-wise, I thank God for all the work He has done and now, I have a thriving cell of about 12 regulars who are walking closely with the Lord. Everytime I see my cell, I am reminded of the "lows" I went through and how God continued to reassure me. And I really thank God whenever I see His people growing and walking with Him. It's also wonderful to hear testimonies of the many changed lives of the people in my cell, to see relationships changed, people with hurts being healed, God being so real in their lives and it is all these that keeps me walking myself Thank you Lord. I would never have seen myself here but I made it with You walking besides me all these while.

Work-wise, it's amazing seeing how everything turns out. Before the missin trip, I was getting real stressed up with work with the upcoming annual fundraisers coming up and so many other projects. But throughout the year, I can still see God providing... providing people to help me, providing resources and providing ideas... it's amazing seeing how I was able to survive the H1N1 epidemic and closure of the volunteer programme, successfully drafted a paper on engaging volunteers during crisis, finished development of the 4 years of development of the central database with our IT department and launching it to the whole organisation, successfully obtaining and managing a funding for my volunteer programme and now, working with a group of professional volunteers to do up an advert for my volunteer programme. All these I can only give credit to God because it is so clear that I would not have been able to accomplish all these without God.

I just came back from another day of shoot with my volunteers and it's amazing to see how professional people work to put an advert together. Till this day, I am still amazed how everything came together from the time I met their Vice President to talk about volunteering their skills to help shoot videos for us and how we are working together now to shoot something which would cost like at least $60,000. I thank God for the wonderful working partnership and it is such a joy to work with them, many of them being first time stepping into a charity. I thank God for their skills. I thank God for unity and joy while working together. But I enjoyed interacting with the people I met these few days of shoot. As I interacted with the volunteers, I have come to realise how everyone has a story and how God used the story to bring them to bless others. There were people coming from broken homes, from troubled backgrounds, from depression, people with their own sets of problems but yet choose to quietly bless others in their own capacity. Throughout the few days, I met a volunteer who suffers from cancer but maintains a cheerful disposition as she blesses our beneficiaries; another volunteer who lost her husband and son and all she has within a year and suffered from depression but chose to come to bless others and in turn be blessed; a unassuming and quiet gentleman, who used to be a triad leader but kept coming in and out of prisons but after accepting Christ, was able to kick his drug addiction and now run a food business and giving ex-offenders a second chance and two couples who volunteer together coming in week in week out, year in year out without fail. It is the lives of these people who make me love my job and find meaning in what I do. And I thank God for using me as one of the threads to weave everyone's life stories together that a wonderful tapestry comes together...

I thank God for the moments He had used me to minister to people and even reach out to people. It's amazing that how as I was reading from 1 Pet 3:15 "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have", God sent me someone today to ask me about church and the reason for my hope. And all I did is just share what God has done in my life, hoping it did sow a seed for her to think about God. I thank God for all the words He had given me to minister to people these few months.

Phil 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength. "

新年快乐!!

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Happy Chinese New Year!! Hahaha, here comes the time of the year where relative will say "aiyoh, grown bigger ah", "when you getting married ah?" :D

贺新年/恭喜呀恭喜/恭喜恭喜/小拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


新年到/迎春花/新年赞美主/一起去拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


恭喜大家过新年/天上人间/春风吻上我的脸 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


祝福你/主恩宠/幸福年/太平年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁


赐福满满 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


大家恭喜 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


唯上帝 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


迎春花 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


新年好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年


岁岁安好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

最近比较烦

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最近比较烦... there is no better way than to describe my recent days than that.



I had just quarreled with my mum just now... on Chinese New Year eve... frankly, I am finding it really impossible to live together because of her mental condition... I have tried to remain quiet recently to avoid getting into a verbal quarrel again but I do not know why but I have been getting real short-tempered with her recently. Why does she have to wash everything in the fridge daily? Why does she have to forbid me to go into the kitchen when she is using the washroom and why did she have to throw away the fridge magnet I had placed on the fridge recently? It may sound trivial but living together with someone with OCD and yet refusing to seek help and causing much misery to people around her is sure hell. And yes, I know everything about honouring thy parents and I do know that I am who I am because of my parents and recently, I have witnessed how she cared for me at night when I was sick; at the corner of my eye, I saw her helping me to put a blanket but living together with her is just impossible; every single unreasonable behaviour of her's just angers me more and more... From washing my passport to washing my dad's handphone, how she acted when my dad had heart attack years ago and how she treated my beloved grandmother, I sometimes just want to move far away from her. It's just sickening living with her and sometimes, to think she has the nerve to ask why we are treating her this way and keep hinting that other people bring their mothers to tours etc. I am already doing my best to honour her as a mother and tolerating her behaviours. And when she talks, she immediately lashes out at you even when we are talking to her calmly. Why must she be so selfish and why must she have her way in everything at home? There just come a time when I can no longer take it but yet I cannot deny that she is my mother, someone who God had placed in my life... maybe that explains why I hate selfish people a lot. Sometimes, I ask God again "Why have you placed her in my life? Why can't I be like a normal person with a normal family?" Sometimes, I do not know what lies ahead and frankly, one of the reasons why I had considered singlehood is largely because of her... because I cannot foresee bringing someone I love into my family to have to tolerate her...

My dad is yet another person... in recent days, I have took leave to stay home to tidy up the house and do a bit of spring cleaning... and he can really nag and nag and nag. But generally I am still OK with him. The only thing which really upsets me greatly is how he is treating his health. Back sometime, the doctor had told us how he had got a very rare disease called "Castleman's Syndrome" and this might lead to cancer. Coupled with his diabetes, heart conditon and many other conditions, he really worries me... But yet, he seems to not really take care of his health and most of the time, I see him eating snacks or unhealthy stuff. And recently, he had been coughing real bad every few minutes and I can hear his cough resonates the whole house (which can be rather embarrasing because people may think I have someone with TB at home). Then on early Saturday morning at about 2am, he woke up and complained of chest pains... the image of me rushing him off to the hospital years ago all alone and crying at the A&E just came back again... I kept asking him to go with me to the A&E but he refused, kept saying that it is because of his cough... sometimes I do not even know if I am a good son and if I should just relent to his wishes... well, at the end we did not go to the hospital but the whole incident had left me tired, worried and sleepy. The very next day, I nagged at him a little and he lashed back at me... well that did not make me feel good at all.

Relationship-wise, I have been feeling rather negative recently... I do not know why but then many negative thoughts kept coming back to me recently on this relationship and whether it is meant to be... I have talked to KM a little bit and has come to the conclusion that I am just being negative. I know she had been very nice (as every of my friends say so) and I know how she is trying to accept me. But then very problem I face in the relationship is that of ego, esteem and uncertainty. I cannot deny that throughout the past few months, I have made her upset many times; from forgetting things, to not communicating throughout the day, her feeling I care more about her mother than her, me being late, me saying the wrong words, me not sending her home, me not informing her of certain things in ministry (because I knew she had a difficult day and did not want to burden her), me making decision to postpone dinner with my family to another day (without consulting her) because I was concerned she cannot finish her assignment and me reminding her of a bad conflict with someone else because I was engrossed with the TV outside the washroom while waiting for her and was stunned when I turned around and saw her behind me, I have become very scared of the next time when she will be upset again. I have spoken to her before and she did say that she needs time to accept me but then the thing about it is that it feels no good at all that I am always the one upsetting her, once every few days. But yet on the other hand, I do feel rotten why I can't be more "man" and always ending up on the receiving end of everything? I ask myself why can't I lead in the relationship and why I cannot be more assertive and make decisions? Why do I still feel uncomfortable making the decisions? I face with uncertainty about the whole relationship and how to relate with her family. I face with uncertainty on how she is going to accept my family and always ask if I can bring her happiness or much unhappiness? I am rather uncertain where this relationship is going because I have to frankly say I am getting a bit tired. But I don't doubt that sometimes some of these anxieties and bad feelings are caused by myself because of my low self-esteem and negativity, just like how recently I had been a little upset for a few days because I thought she was upset with me. But then, sometimes I ask how much is because of my neagtivity and how much is because of her expectations of me? Of is it my expectations of myself?

Minstry-wise, things are going rather fine and yesterday, we had a reunion lunch celebration at one of the members' house. For the first time in many many months, I see everyone letting their hair down and it was just awesome seeing how we celebrated one member's birthday with party poppers, water gun and also "lau yusheng" and play wii together, talking about fishes etc. But I do have to agree sometimes I still get drained by people, their struggles and their spiritual walk. Maybe like what KM mentioned, I have not yet learnt to disassociate myself from people's struggles and yes I know this is not healthy. And nothing pains me than seeing people in pain and/or people who are not fully wanting to "let go and let God". Frankly, maybe because of my own walk and stubbornness, I just did not want people to follow my footsteps. But yet, I am reminded that nothing is too difficult for God and in time to come, God's will will come to be, just as how He had brought me back despite my stubbornness. In the meantime, I can just stand in the reminder on Friday service that God knows our heart and even though some of us may have bore scars in ministry, we stand in the baptisimal identity of God's children.

On a more happier note, the past 3 days of spring cleaning had been really awesome and yes it has been "烦" trying to decide what to keep and throw but this year, I had been a little more assertive and decided to throw away a lot of things. Managed to wash the blinds with my dad on Friday also and also vacuuming the floor. Wow, a lot of dust and dirt accumulated over the years. It does really feel good putting things back in their place and also being able to find many things which had mysteriously "disappeared" over the years. OK, going to continue with day 4 of spring cleaning and hope that by the end of today, everything will be in place and the house will look a little more tidy. The challenge of course is to keep it that way.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

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I always amaze at how God speaks throughout the week; to teach me object lessons about the topic to be discussed in cell that very week. It has been some time since I last felt this way, maybe it is also because cell had recently taken quite a long break.

This week, the sermon was on John 15:1-17, which gave the analogy of Jesus as the vine and how, we the branches, are to remain in the vine in order to be fruitful. And yup, at some point in the middle of the week, I just became so heavily weary that I had just wanted to call it quits for God's ministry; I had wanted to just let go of it all because it was becoming too tiring to care for people, to worry and be burdened for them, to get upset when I see people not walking closely with the Lord and yet not know what to do and I can do is just feel disappointed and even sometimes rejected. I was tired and weary and just as I was working on an life challenge with one member another crops up. Soon, I found myself asking if someone else would indeed do a better job than me because I had recently come to realisation that it is human lives we are talking about here.

But yet, if I take it objectively and think it through, it is true that God's purpose for this cell is indeed taking shape... I had slightly more than a year ago sensed from God that this cell was to be a cell for people to be restored; to be restored to Him and also to be restored after being beaten down in life. And from what I can see from what God is doing in the cell, I can really see it happening. And also, with all the various issues surfacing up, does it not show that people are opening up their personal lives for restoration? And hadn't I made a resolution to "be there for people" at the beginning of the year? Whoever mentioned that it would be easy? Someone has ever commented to me that my ministry seems "colourful" and indeed, as I reflect upon it, it is really by God's grace that I managed to survive through it all, all the highs and lows, the dramas in cell ministry. And I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for bringing the various people into this cell because the profile is so different and so is the calling.

But then, I had shared with KM on Thursday that though I still believe in God and trust in Him (because He had been so real in my life), I am just telling God that I can no longer take it. In the past, everytime there is a challenge, I will lift it up to Him and believe that His hands will be upon it. And yes, I can see how He works but then after a while, my confidence in myself in ministry just wanes and I ask God that I am not sure if I can hang on because I am not even sure what I am doing is indeed bearing fruit. Frankly, I do not have it easy either in my personal life and with all the challenges and also occasional unhappiness and misunderstanding between me and KM, I jst do not know how to proceed anymore.

But still, I thank God for bringing KM to my office on Thursday to just talk about it. She reminded me about the verse that brought my back to God, Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future), and I started asking myself why am I doubting when I can see God every step of the way? So, it began to got me thinking real hard again about the whole thing. KM has also made me realise once again that there are a lot of things which happen which I do not need to blame myself because they are conscious choice made by themselves and we have no control about it. I guess that is something I have to learn, not to self-blame for the decision of others. By the end of the week, I ended with the conviction again that I am going to walk right with God and just do my part, frankly, people, whether they choose to walk with the Lord or to walk with the Lord closely, it is their choice. All I can do is facilitate. God gave freewill in human to choose, just as the moment Adam and Eve chose to sin against God. Ultimately, if the Christian faith is to be a relationship with God the Father, then, in any relationship, one cannot force to love.

Just before cell started, I started to give thanks to God for everything that has happened this week:

• I thank God for having the taxi driver bring back my wallet which I unknowingly lost and for helping me to be able to find him again through his company. Sent his company an email to thank him for what he did and it does feel good to send my thanks (since I was so blur the other time when I last saw him and did not know how to react)
• I thank God that the pastor who I got disappointed with last Saturday wrote back to apologise for stumbling. Frankly, when I sent out the email on Monday, I was still a bit angry (though I had prayed for peace). But as I prayed, I asked God to help me pen the email and help me do it more with the purpose of edifying than venting my anger. I had sent out the email and had expected not to receive a response. But thank God the pastor responded and apologised. I guess the apology did comfort my heart to know that there is hope. We ended the email "conversation" wishes each other well.
• I thank God for helping me with devotion on Tuesday and for giving me the analogy of the Christian faith being like the airport. Everything just fitted together nicely and I was amazed how it came together and how God gave me that analogy which, in my own opinion, helps to conceptualise and explain the Christian faith rather clearly to me. I am now in the midst of preparing it for devotion with the whole building 2 thursdays later and I am actually rather excited and have so many ideas how to carry it out. May God bless my preparation and use me to edify and encourage others.
• I thank God for the cell coming together for prayers on Sunday and even though it was just a small group, I still thank God that the people had came together.
• I thank God for being chosen to be featured as a graduate on my college website and how they have helped photoshopped my face so now it is smoother and less oily and shiny. Well but I still look fat hahaha.
• I thank God for continuing to speak to me through Psalm 1 throughout the week for cell discussion yesterday. As I was typing the cell email on Wednesday night, Psalm 1 on the tree planted by streams of water came to mind. On the very next day, Psalm 1 was covered for my corporate devotion. Personally, I am blessed by the verse and it spoke of how I needed to continue to remain in God and be planted by "streams of water", as the tree had been, to be nourished.
• I still thank God for wonderful colleagues
• I thank God for bringing a volunteer to come to visit on Thursday and how we talked about our spiritual walk. I thank God for using me to encourage this volunteer and for also using him to show me about remaining in God's word. It was really evident that God used the session because I can tell He is present whenever conversations just flowed and I become amazed at the things I say; things that in the end also blessed me. Though I had not been prepared for the talk, God had helped me share about my own walk and how I had come to see God's word as powerful and also ministering, always at the right time. This young volunteer had shared how he is not part of any church (though he is looking) and how he is inspired by praise and worship music but finds reading the bible rather a chore. He was taught by someone that as long he prays, it will be OK. But I felt a prompting to share with him how I too jad struggle to read the bible but over the past 3 years, God had spoken through His word far too many times and soon it became cool to read His word because I had wanted to know what He had to say about certain things in my life and also to get to know Him better. And as I shared, stories of several people like Horatio Spafford, John Newton and Eric Liddell (as portrayed in the movie "Chariots of Fire") came to mind. I personally did not know how blessed he was but I personally was blessed through the words that God had gave me and spoken through my mouth.
• I thank God for showing me, before cell started, that what has happened throughout the week, has showed me what it means to "remain in Him" (John 15:4) i.e. to remain in His WILL for me and my ministry and his WORK of reaching out to people, to remain in His WAY from my reflection on the disappointment with the pastor, to remain in His WORD from my reflection on my talk with the young volunteer, to remain in His WORSHIP even through the darkest of moments, remembering His faithfulness, grace, love, hope and promise.
  
• I finally thank God for a fundraiser project that went well. Over the past few entries, I had mentioned how I had a terrible time managing the project last December but then as we came together to debrief with the staff, I thank God I was able to do up the debrief slides, to carry out the debrief confidently and to also motivate (I hope I did) with all the stories and affirmations from volunteers about the impact the project had on their lives. It was really great hearing some of the things that came out from my staff, who shared about their experience working with volunteers and how it was a joy working with them, how some of them became regular volunteers, donors and also supporters etc. I really feel great that after 3 years of hard work developing the programme, some are beginning to get the potential of volunteerism.

And cell went wonderfully well yesterday with many unexpecteds. Firstly, I thank God for putting into my heart to sing a beautiful song which I had heard recently, 有一位神，when I visited a colleague's mother's wake. As we talked at the Buddhist wake, my colleague shared how her siblings and family had allowed her to sing and pray for her late mother and when I saw the lyrics, something just spoke in my heart how maybe this song can be used at cell tonight. But I was doubtful because we have never sang Chinese worship songs before and I am not sure if the others know how to sing.

Anyway, the other amazing thing is how my cell is also one of the unique cells in my zone with young working adults and English speaking but has recently conducted our sessions in both English and mandarin. When I think back how everyone understood and felt at ease about sharing in both languages, it was just amazing.

Anyway, I thank God how when I went to the cell and when I asked about the lyrics, KM's mum actually had the lyrics. And KM chose yet another song, 一切歌颂赞美. Yesterday was so cool, singing 2 Chinese worship songs and 2 English worship songs.

有一位神


一切歌颂赞美


Spirit Touch Your Church


There are still so many things I want to thank God for cell:

• I thank God how the 2 Chinese worship song was timely because I actually found myself asking both KM's mother and sister to join us for cell for the first time and they agreed.
  
• I thank God that things just flowed during cell discussion and the words just came and people shared
• I thank God how both KM's mother and sister also shared
• I thank God for being confident in leading cell yesterday
  
• I thank God how another sister-in-christ shared about her struggle... both me and KM had been very concerned about how she was and we both, in a way, pretended that everything was the same to help make her feel comfortable. But it was great to hear her share her struggle during the sharing and how the sisters prayed for her later. I think it might also had been timely because her husband was away for his company D&D and maybe that opened her up in a timely manner to share her struggle.
• I thank God how she shared about how she is trying to cope with the struggle she is facing and how the love and grace of God had propelled her in surprising ways. I also thank God when she shared about how God answered them in a timely manner during their devotion time on Thursday evening when her husband started to doubt God and said there is no hope but the devotion just happens to be on having hope in God.
• I thank God that the Chinese worship CD which I had bought for this sister-in-christ came in handy and how it comforted her during this difficult period
• I thank God how I had the opportunity to speak to a brother-in-christ yesterday and for once saw him like opening himself up again and was able to pray for him. I had been rather affected by this brother and worried but also angry because I felt he wanted to go separate ways from God.
• I thank God when I hear how KM's situation at work turned around a bit and again how the love of God helped her in it.
• I thank God for all the material that I had been able to find for this discussion from Our Daily Bread, the worship songs, the analogy given by my sister about how the Velcro is useless when alone but is only useful when it is stuck to one another (another parallel to the vine and branches analogy) and the verse from Psalm 1.
  

At the end of the day, there were just too many coincidences and I thank God for working in all the various ways I had seen Him work throughout the week. Thank you Lord.

Potential of Volunteerism

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3 years in volunteer management and I am beginning to see the real potential of having a good volunteer programme especially for non-profit organisations:

1. Strategy to Fulfill Mission - Provides the organisation with an platform to fulfill its mission through the engagement of volunteers in helping to contribute to, extend and enrich the care of their clients
   
2. Access to Skills & Giftings - Allows the organisation access to all the possible skills available in the community
3. Volunteers as Beneficiaries - Through the past few years of working as a volunteer programme manager, I have also seen how volunteers' lives have been changed, even though indirectly and how volunteering has helped them to not only spend their time meaningfully, find meaning in life, make friends, learn skills, find their life partners, gain a different perspective to life, feel good as they see others give, gain experience for work in the non-profit sector, fulfill voluntary hours, beef up their resumes etc
4. Volunteers as potential donors & supporters - The statistics are in and the IPC study by NVPC confirms that volunteers are more likely to donate than non-volunteers maybe because they are "getting their hands dirty" and have a chance to see and experience the work of the organisation they are supporting. The volunteer programme also provides current donors with the be involved in an non-financial manner. Many vounteers who helped us with our fundraisers expressed that they better appreciate how difficult it is to fundraise.
   
5. Volunteerism as potential staff - I have also come to realise how volunteers are also potential staff especially after many volunteers enquiring about career opportunities after a recent fundraising project. Come to think about it, with former volunteers being staff, there might also be more committment at work since they would have already know the organisation they are joining as staff and volunteerism would also give the organisation the opportunity to observe potential staff at work.
   
6. Volunteerism helping to maintain transparency - In a way, the volunteer programme may also indicate the openness of an organisation; the more volunteers an organisation engages seems to also show that they have nothing to fear and how the organisation is open to members of public to come not only to partner them but also to observe them at work.
7. Volunteers as ambassadors and recruiters - Maintain a good volunteer programme and ensuring proper partnership with volunteers will also increase ambassadors and recruiters so the next time the organisation needs volunteers, current volunteers will help in getting their friends in.
8. Volunteers as potential leaders both in the organisation and outside the organisation

I have come to appreciate how when organisations invest in their human resources and their volunteer programmes, will go a long way...

Through It All

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Keep on Blogging... :D
Hmmm, it's a new year and so I am really hoping that I can come back in more often to journal... have found back the joy of blogging, mainly because it helps me to put my life in perspective as I reflect on the happenings in life and frankly, it is also exciting that sometimes through it all, I can see God work. But then, one thing I have to admit that, given all that is on my "plate" now and with a new relationship, I do have to balance things because the reality is that I do not have as much time as often to come in and blog. And especially since I have made a resolution to be there for people more, that would means to say there is going to be a shift in my priorities. So blogging, unfortunately, would have to be lower in my list of priorities. In anyway, still hope to be able to come in often, if not regularly, to journal and reflect... I still like that.

The past week had been a little exciting with many things happening:

7 Jan 2009 (Wed) - Wow, I finally managed to get myself started gyming again and stop procrastinating about the whole thing. After all, I paid so much for the gym and especially after how they handled my suspension request, the more I wanted to make sure I used the gym. Wow, still sound a bit upset but then hahaha, nonetheless, felt that maybe it will also be good since I am not getting any younger and could do with more exercise. And since I have the gym membership, why not? Over the months, managed to cut down my weight a bit from 92kg to 89kg :D (but it's probably due to stress more than anything else since I have not been working out at the gym for the longest time). But yet, different people tell me different things: "you have put on weight" vs "you have lost weight"... confusing...

8 Jan 2009 (Thu) - Today marks the first day I took the bold step to meet my cell members to catch up. I had always fear asking people out one-to-one because I fear that there is nothing to say to one another since I am such an introvert. And yeah, it was really so... there was awkward silence in the beginning but then as time went by, we shared things and I had been able to understand my cell member more. A good start to my new resolution to focus on people more this year. I thank God for helping with everything. Now I have to think who else I need to connect with :D

Today, KM is also rushing her assignment to be completed by tomorrow. Frankly, it does pain me a lot to see her all stressed up about her assignment. And I know she had also been kept away from working on her assignment because of her lethargy at work, volleyball practice and also ministry so by this time, I was getting real worried for her. But thank God, she managed to get "off" tomorrow so she would be having a little more time to work on her assignment. After meeting up with my cell member, bought coffee for her, hoping to motivate her. Reached her house at 9 but then soon after meeting her, our AO called us to discuss about ministry and that conversation took almost an hour. So by the time we finished the conversation, I prayed for her and bid her goodbye...

Also thank God for speaking to me today about encouraging my cell members. For the past few days, I have been sensing a strong prompting to pray for my cell members (although I do not know specifically what some of them are going through). But I sensed that quite a few are going through challenges and prayed to God to show me how to encourage them. The first day I prayed, I flipped open my devotional and it was on the book of Job and about responding to adversities. The very next day, I prayed again and randomly opened my bible to a short devotional and well, it was about the book of Job again. And God later also brought me 2 verses from Isaiah 40 about adversities which interestingly fitted well... Thank God for the timely verses and managed to send an email to my cell with what God has set in my heart. Do not know if it made any difference but then I trust in God and just did what I felt I was prompted to do. Hope it ministered (though I received a sms from one of my friends saying I was "naggy").

9 Jan 2009 (Fri) - Today is the 7th month of knowing KM. But then since she was rushing her assignment and I had leaders' meeting later on in the night at church, we decided to celebrate our month-sary on Sunday instead. It was a happy day. In the morning, I received a message from KM telling me she has completed her assignment and was on her way to submit the assignment. Not sure why but then I felt a strong sense of relief, both for her as well as for myself. I have to admit that the past few weeks have not been easy because she had been stressed and it was painful to see her that way. And it did not help that while she was stressed, so was I and I did feel a bit bad not being able to support her much being in such a stressed up state myself. So when she mentioned she has completed her assignment, you can imagine how elated I was. Did not have time to get her a bouquet but got her 3 stalks of pink roses and I think I blushed when her mum asked me what 3 stalks of roses meant. :D

Later that day after lunch, I managed to finish printing all the 300 letters to certify my volunteers' involvement in a recent fundraising project. I thank God that I was able to pull it off successfully because all my colleagues chipped in to help in the "production line" (as they would fondly call this kind of work) and help me slot the letters into the envelop. As I saw how everyone responded to request for help, I once again thank God for this group of colleagues who are ever so genuine and helpful. I thank God for each and everyone of them and pray that this friendship with them will last.

Then later that day, I was supposed to work on the last 3 month's report and 4th quarter report on volunteer management to our organisation's management meeting because I had been putting it off for sometime, with all the projects I was busy with. Frankly, I have always enjoyed doing reports because, even though it is really tedious getting the report done, it bears witness to how much God has helped me through and blessed me through my work ministry, without fail. Everytime I look at the completed reports and it becomes clear that with all that is achieved, it could not have been me myself but with God's grace...

Over the past 3 months, with half a manpower's help from my colleague, we had been able to work with close to 400 volunteers, survived through the whole fundraising project which worked with another 600 volunteers, discussed and prepare the relevant reports and materials for a funding programme, send Christmas greetings to all our partners and volunteers, celebrated International Volunteer Managers Day and International Volunteer Day, attend to other organisation's study tour of our volunteer programme, work on the budget for the new year, make refinements to the volunteer management forms... wow! It has been 3 crazy months but I just find it amazing I was able to sustain through all these... glory to God!

That evening, I was to attend the leaders' meeting to hear our Senior Pastor share the direction for 2009. The ministry leaders will always do this every year and this is also a time to renew our commitments as leaders to shepherding God's flock. For the past 2 years, I have always struggled with the decision whether to continue with cell ministry but the funny thing this year is that, despite knowing how challenging it can gets sometimes in cell ministry, I signed the covenant without much hesitation. Something in me went "God, I have seen you at work through all these times, transforming lives and also blessing others through me. You have seen me through all these times and despite all the pains and challenges, I still trust in You and believe in the purpose you have for this cell to reach out to hurting people, misled and backslided people. I have seen it. You yourself has also drawn me closer to You and I just love to be part of what You are doing. In fact, it is always so cool to see You at work... things which I know is more than coincidence because there just are too many 'coincidences'". And so, yes, I am here to stay, knowing that the road may not be smooth-going. Nonetheless, I did pray for Him to allow my ministry to take shape this year and for things to be smooth going. Whatever it is, still I will trust in Him.

Through It All (Acoustic), - Hillsong

Through It All
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
Im carried in everlasting arms
Youll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Oh yes, after cell that day, went home with my sister and the blur me left my wallet in the cab. At 12 plus, past midnight, my doorbell went off and it did get me a bit puzzled who it could be at this hour. I struggled to the door and the cabbie asked with a deep voice "codfishy? you left your wallet behind". I was caught by surprise and said nothing as I took over the wallet, not knowing what to say next because I did not even realise I lost my wallet. Before long, the cabbie turned and walked away. When my dad found out about it, he asked if I had gave him a few dollars to reward him for the effort. But it was only then did I realised what I had not done. But thank God for a honest cabbie. If I am not wrong, I vaguely remember his name and will be writing to his company to commend him.

A recent incident at work made me wonder if I am a person who is really very stubborn and who speaks very harshly?

10 Jan (Sat) - Yeah! Stitch-Giver is getting married today! Woke up early in the morning because I needed to be back in my office by 9am to help with car park marshalling because her wedding would be held there. Managed to reach there slightly past 9 and as I was walking to office, met one of my friends who was on her way to run some errands. The interesting thing was how later, we realised that she had forgotten her keys home and so, I can only say that it was timely that we met each other and we just spent the afternoon away reminiscing old times and talking about our friendships, relationships and also briefly about our spiritual walk. I still thank God for the timely catching-up because I do not go to office in Saturdays and it was just great to be able to meet up with her and catch up. Hope God had used me to encourage her as He had used her to encourage me in relationship.

I do not know why but it seems like this year, I kept being asked to do car park marshalling for weddings. Just within 2 months, I will be doing car park marshal duty for 2 of my friend's wedding. But then, I must say that it was quite an experience and it did make me appreciate my church car park marshalls more. I have come to appreciate how they have to sometimes face difficult people. Other than 2 person who made things difficult for us, the rest were OK and cooperated with us. There was this gentleman who drove his car right in despite us telling him that there are no lots. I realised that I was not assertive enough but still I thank God that there were no hiccups and God brought another 4 people to help me. I also thank God for keeping me safe because several times I realised how I was standing so close to the cars that the tyres could have just went over my feet. But thank God I am OK.

There was one incident which disturbed me quite a bit... There was someone who drove up to us and I gestured for him to stop his car. When he wound down his window, I realised he was one of the tenant pastors who is renting a place in our organisation. The moment he wound down his window, he looked at me with this stern look and asked "what's the problem?" and when my friend came over and assured him that his lot is still available, he exclaimed "I am a tenant, why was I not informed about this function?" I was rather disappointed that a leader of God would behave in this manner. I am just someone who is a volunteer and one who would like to bless a friend for her wedding. Is there a need to be so ungracious. Frankly, I was rather disappointed, angry and disturbed by his remarks and I think I was affected the whole day... as a cell leader, I have learnt from God to love His people, be humble and gracious (though I still fall short in many ways) but his reactions really disgust me... I guess maybe that's why some mentioned that I looked rather deep in thought the whole day...

But nonetheless, I am still very happy to see my friend getting married :D

11 Jan (Sun) - I kind of look forward to meeting KM today because we are going to celebrate our month-sary. Though we still have little small conflicts here and there, we are still learning to be with each other. I thank God for helping us through the seasons of our relationship. And today, we will be celebrating God's faithfulness in our relationship for the past 7 months. Today, I was late again for 15 minutes because I had stood and waited for the Downtown East shuttle bus for close to 15 minutes but it did not come. But thank God that though KM seemed a little unhappy, there was no conflict about it.

Felt a prompting to pray for our cell members and I was able to get quite a few members to gather outside the worship centre after service to pray for one another... one of my members shared a miracle about how after he prayed for one of his wayward brother, an opportunity suddenly came for him to sit down peacefully with him this morning to talk things through and share Christ with him. It was also amazing how this brother actually for the first time listened and changed a little after the talk. It was even more amazing how he made his way to my member's house and described how he was lost but remember there was a church near his house and it eventually led him to his house. And it was amazing how he was also open to visiting the church. Maybe God is finally doing something in his life. For me, it is always inspiring to hear him share because though he is a new believer, I can already see how his life has changed so much and how he is in turn having so much passion to want to share Christ with his family and to see lives change. Seriously, he puts me to shame sometimes... Though I had been a little disappointed earlier this morning when I learnt that 4 of my friends had skipped service but his sharing inspired me.

Halfway through the prayer, we heard screaming and it was really scary because it seemed that someone was doing deliverance. And what made me shrivel more is that I realised how I had been praying for the same person moments ago and would he had manisfested, I would not have known what to do. But thank God that as we prayed, KM prayed for the person screaming away and as soon as we stopped, the screaming soon stopped too... I really hope the person is OK.

That evening, we went to celebrate our month-sary and watched Bedtime Stories. Though it had been a simple outing and there was a call in between to provide ministry support, I still enjoyed the night out with KM.

12 Jan (Mon) - Today, I made a decision and sent an email out to the Pastor to share how I felt about his behaviour. Though I pray and did not feel as angry as Saturday, I still made the decision to send the email. Frankly, I am not sure if I made the right choice sending the email but there is a part of me who wanted to express my anger and yet another part in me who wanted to edify by bringing this to his attention, hoping he will pay attention to it. But yet, there is the other part in me which wondered who I am to correct him and whether I am really doing it for the right reasons. Whatever the reason, I do not expect him to respond.

Work “Thumbs-Up” & Ministry Hmmmm

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It’s always the same thing… sometimes I don’t understand why my work always seems to be going well but then it is always conversely true for my ministry. Sometimes, I do not understand why work is much easier than ministry.

Connecting with Volunteers

Today, I had a wonderful time connecting with volunteers. First, I was supposed to conduct a debrief for a team of students’ fundraising project for us and frankly speaking, I do not have the confidence to properly conduct a debrief at all. But everything just went on smoothly and within the 2 hours of debrief, we all just kept talking and candidly sharing observations, feedback on what could be better, what went well and also addressed challenges… actually I really enjoy working with this group of students because they really inspire me with their passion and effort put into this project which raised about $10,000 for us. Though it might be considered relatively a smaller amount as compared to the amount raised by our other fundraising efforts, but this is a student’s effort and they have worked really long hours to raise this amount and it is really good effort. They could have spent their holidays having fun rather than doing this for us. So I am really inspired by them and grateful. So I thank God for helping me to really enjoy connecting to this group of volunteers and joking while debrief… everything just went on smoothly and I spoke confidently, guiding the debrief process and was also quite extrovert.

Then, in the afternoon, I got a sms from another one of my volunteers who called to inform me that he and his family are moving to Shanghai… kind of feel comfortable talking to this volunteer (though he is much older than me) because he is always so friendly and humourous and sometimes when he could not get me, he would send me a sms using his 3-year old daughter’s name e.g. “uncle codfishy, daddy say you must be busy because he called you just now but can’t get you” or “uncle codfishy, can I volunteer with my daddy and mummy?” :D funny guy la. Anyway, I am beginning to build relationships with my volunteers more even though most of them are over the phone. Frankly, we can be talking over the phone or email but I have never seen them before. Though last year’s year-end fundraiser project was a nightmare but then I made a lot of “friends” over the phone and many still email to share with me their experience and also sign up for more projects. Also got a “thank you” email from another gentleman today sharing with me his experience helping us with fundraising last year-end and his account was beautifully written. His, and the other volunteer’s sharing has really humbled me and yet made me glad to I am able to become friends with some of them, even though we have never met and only spoke over the phone. Frankly, their willingness to help, including the one who is going to Shanghai (he was recently retrenched but yet continue to help us by volunteering with his family), really warms my heart. I think no other job really make me feel this way before.

I also thank God for receiving an affirmation from my boss for 2 projects I have handled recently but frankly, whenever I look back, I am still amazed how much I had achieved at work. But then, sometimes, I ask myself why I am able to be rather “successful” at work but then ministry seems to be laid with so many challenges. Recently, I am beginning to sense that some of my members are going through some challenges and sometimes the feeling that “you are the cell leader but what are you doing about it?” comes back and I will feel bad about myself… it is a passing thingy la and I will always feel for my members but yet do not know how to help them… I pray but then I wonder if I am praying enough? I want to talk to them but sometimes the messages I send, I do not know how to express care and I also lack the courage to ask them out… And recently, KM is rushing her assignment and she seems to be having difficulty finishing it and it does pains my heart to see her this way but yet I do not knowing how to support her. Sometimes, feel that maybe I should go down to her house but then the practical side of me will say things like “it’s too far away”, “it’s late”, “you need to work tomorrow”, “if you go down will you distract her” keeps coming back. I just hope she will be able to finish it soon.

Reflecting 2008

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New Year = Reflections & Hope

Anyway, I always kind of like new years, starting from a few years ago. It is the time of the year when I can sit back and reflect on all that has happened in the past year while the promise of better things to come and hope in the new year stands awaiting. As I sit here and reflect on the past year, I come to realized how so much has happened last year. I must admit that it hasn’t been an easy year at all but yet, it has also been filled with many blessings and happy firsts. This is the year in which I first got into a relationship (and had my first "breakup" too), the year which I had been asked to share and present to management people on volunteer management, the year which I had been able to share my testimony in front of a church of 2000 people, the year which I experienced going to a "glam glam" photoshoot and featured as a graduate on my college's website (thank God for the affirmation)...

Health

Health-wise, it hasn’t been an easy year at all. Starting with my diagnosis of slip-disc earlier in the year, the year has been marked with many trips to the hospital for therapy and follow-ups. Not only that, I had also found myself falling ill many many times in the year, constantly consulting the doctor for high fever, bad cold, inflammation of the throat, then having pain in my left wrist while limping around because of my slip-disc. It did not help that I had restless nights because of the pain in my leg, caused by the slip-disc. Throughout the year, I have taken tons of medical leave and had even used up my medical claim from work way in the earlier part of the year. But then, I still thank God that I had been able to recover from it all and to date, apart from the minor ailments, everything is fine. As for my slip-disc, I am relatively better nowadays and at least I am no longer limping around and walking rather normally now.

Personal Life

Personal life wise, I thank God for blessing me with a relationship. For many years, I had contemplated singlehood because of certain issues in my life which kept me from wanting to get into a relationship. But I thank God for bringing KM into my life. For the first time, I took the courage to ask someone on Valentine’s Day if she is keen to develop a relationship with me but having thought that she is not keen, I did pursue further. And finally came the time when I had to deal with my liking for her but yet not knowing for sure if she is keen in me and just when I wanted to give up, God spoke to me thorugh quiet time. I thank God for continuing to provide opportunities for us to get together. Today, I am still amazed whenever I think how God has brought us together - through a conflict. Barely 7 months into knowing one another, we are still getting to know one another even more. Sure, there are times where the going gets tough and it really makes me want to give up because I could not take the pain of conflicts, but by and by, we are both getting to know one another more and enjoying each another’s company more. Though with occasional unhappiness, I thank God for how He has always guided through, speaking to us through people, circumstances and also our quiet time. Particularly, I thank God for bringing us through the initial phase when we faced with some difficulties when we got together and how some reacted to our getting together. That period was very tough for both of us because neither of us had wanted to see people emotionally affected by us coming together but I thank God He had helped us through. Just last week, we had officially “proclaimed” to our cell group that we are together (even though people knew all along). In fact, this year is not only the first time I fall in love and got into a relationship, but it is also the first time I had a breakup. It was a very painful experience for both of us but again, I thank God for bringing people into our lives to minister to us. We now agree to walk on no matter what and trust that God will be the Lord of our relationship.

I appreciate KM for who she is; her caring and self-sacrificial nature, her heart for God and His people, her cheerful and positive personality. I have to admit that there is much joy in my life after getting together with her and there had also been changes to the person I am… Someone has once reminded me that God can use relationships to help each other grow into how God wants us to be. I have to admit that there had been much changes in my life ever since I have got into this relationship, changes for the better. I could finally know how it feels like to share life with a loved one. To think that I had even thought of being single forever but God dealt with me… Even though sometimes I might doubt myself and feel that I am a horrible boyfriend, not knowing how to be romantic and all, but she is always there to assure me and understand me for who I am…

In fact, the thought of being with KM and sharing life with her does excites me… I long to be able to start a family together with her and we are talking more and more about the future now. After recently being caught by one of those bridal shows, I started to worry about our wedding and boy it seems costly to put together a wedding; the wedding reception, the dinner, the gown and bridal shots, the home, renovations etc… I am starting to worry where I am going to get the money from, but I believe that we will take it a step at a time and I will do my best to save for the wedding. Although she had mentioned that we can have a simple wedding, I really want to give her a memorable wedding… I just pray for God’s blessings to keep us growing in the relationship with Him.

Ministry

Ministry-wise, it had been a really really tough year but then again, I have never been stretched so much. I have come to realize how I have grown much spiritually and trust in God more… this year, I had seen God at work in my members and seen how God had placed people in our paths for a reason. Whenever I look at my cell, I am just amazed at what God has done: Towards the end of 2007, God had spoken to me about how this cell was to be a place for people who needed solace from past hurts and how the cell would be a blessing to them, even though some may come and go. I have seen how this has come to pass and had even received a promise from Him when I did my quiet time while planning for cell for 2009. I had seen how He continues to use me to minister and also brought different people with different giftings into the cell to help this cell grow. From the initial 3 persons, this cell has, within a year, grown into a cell with 10 regulars sharing lives, with people still coming to visit. I thank God for speaking to me week after week as I prepared for cell discussions and for guiding me. I also thank God for showing me what cell life is really about when He used both me and KM to minister to different members outside cell during different points in lives of members. It made us realize that it is by no accident that certain people are in our cell.

Of course, things are all not that rosy. I had also found myself feeling hurt many times along the way; by people who stop coming to cell, by people who challenged me about where the cell is going, by people telling me that cell did not meet their needs. 2008 was also the year when God helped me to see how cell group is about life transformation when I saw a member smiled radiantly for the first time in many months. But then, months later, my world came crashing down when I started to realize that the life transformation that I saw in this person is not real at all; all the while, this person was pretending. This has affected me so much, so much so I had an exchange with this person in front of 2 foreign delegates to our church. I became bitter the next few weeks and expressed to God how disappointed I was with the situation. I started doubting how much fruit I am bearing in ministry. It took God to remind me that there is indeed growth taking place in cell and through cell, although sometimes it may not be the way I expected it. And it seems that God knows that this would happened and had, during the same period, brought another cell member into my life to remind me how the ministry is bearing little fruits. I am so happy whenever I see this new believer in my cell growing with his wife. It warms my heart when I hear him share about how life has changed for him and his family after accepting the Lord… Although I am still bitter at times when I think of the member whose life transformation is all “pretend”, but my concern for this member forbade me to give up and I just feel a need to pray even more for this member. I am just telling myself I am not going to give up and will keep providing this cell for this member to work through issues this member has to work with.

Life, Leadership and Spiritual Lessons

Besides all these, God has also taught me several more things about servant leadership and serving His people. Over the months, He has taught and shown me:

• His heart for His people from John 10: 1-16, John 17 and also John21: 15-17 and how as His servant leaders, we are to have compassion for His people as He does. At the Global Leadership Summit which I attended this year, we were brought through a reflection on why are they hurting people out there but yet we are blessed with so much? Hasn’t God called Abraham to be a blessing to the nations? How should we respond then? ;
• How others can bless me when He surprisingly sent a new believer to minister to me when I had a breakup with KM. For a long time, I had always felt that I AM the leader and I ministered to people. But little did I ever expect to be ministered to by a new believer. But then God humbled me and made me realize how He had intended us to be in a community for this very reason; to help build each other up, despite our spiritual age… I have learnt a long time that leaders are not exempted from trials and from being stumbled and this was like an extension of that very lesson, that even leaders need ministering to.
• How I needed to give people opportunity to take responsibility for their walk with God. As a leader, I could only facilitate their relationship with God only so much, any more, I would be robbing the members of their responsibility to walk with God. I always blame myself when I see people walk away or backslide but something inside me reminds me that ultimately, people had to take responsibility for their own walk. I am reminded of what I told one of my former members… “Christianity is about relationship with God and I cannot develop this relationship on your behalf”. The Lord transforms lives but it is really the choice of the individual on whether they want to “let go and let God”. I can only be an agent to the people for God and reaching out to them but the rest depends on the individual. Several people has come and gone from my cell and this has made me feel real bad. But then I am reminded again that relationship with God is ultimately relationship with God. Yes, sometimes I blame myself for not doing enough to facilitate their relationship with God but then how much is enough? It is tough to balance this but then I am still trying.
• How the Christian faith is not just another religion but about RELATIONSHIP with God and life transformation (of self and others). It is really about bringing people back to what God had intended for them to be; to have God in their lives and to enjoy fellowship with God. But man, having sinned and chose to live apart from what God had intended. But God did not allow for man to just walk away and has provided Christ to pay the consequences of their sin so they can reconciled to God. But it is not only about REDEMPTION and RECONCILIATION but also about RESTORATION as God transforms a life as the person learns to walk RIGHTEOUSLY. But Christianity is not only about enjoying one’s walk with the Lord. No, it is not so selfish, but it is also about seeing God’s heart for people and eventually, upon appreciating the love and grace of God, allows him/herself to be used by God to RECEIVE others into His kingdom. Over the years, I have come to realize God’s love and come to experience the joy of having Him in my life. It was starkly different from the time I backslided. The whole bible began to make much sense. After all, did not the bible speak of the 2 greatest commandment of loving God and His people? It is about bringing hope and life to people than anything else. It is about RELATIONSHIP above anything else rather than about killing people or trying to earn your salvation through works (though this is important). But, as Jesus said “first clean the inside, then the outside will be clean” so does it translates that when we love God and His people, we naturally will do good. Our salvation is given by the grace of God and is not earned. Christianity, at the end of the day, is not about selfish religion for self or believing so that we will be blessed or win 4D but it is about having a RELATIONSHIP with God and His people.
• How my heart for God’s people has grown over the months so much so, it is painful seeing people who are not walking closely with the Lord or who has not yet known the Lord. I struggle with this pain constantly but remember that it was not so many months ago. I remember how in the past, I was so selfish and had wanted to just enjoy worshipping with the Lord, not wanting to take up cell leadership. And even when I took it up, I had lamented to the Lord for the difficulties and had asked Him why He is making it so difficult for me. Well, I still do ask these questions occasionally but less so now. Nowadays, I realize that my hearts aches for people. And when I see people coming to the Lord or responding to altar call, my heart becomes so glad and I often find myself smiling. I always remember how my heart wrenched when I was praying for a youth at the altar as he sobbed away but was filled with joy when I saw his heart to want to walk with the Lord closely.
• Any leader of the Lord points people back to the Lord and gives counsel which brings life and hope and bring people back to God.

I continue to thank God for continuing to be so real to me, speaking to me through quiet time on my own walk, rebuking me whenever I sinned (just like how there was a time I sinned and as I prayed and asked for forgiveness, He spoke to me through John 21 and brought me a sign, bus 153, to assure me that I am forgiven) and how He spoke through my devotion when I asked if He is real.

Work

I also thank God for all the blessings He had given me, from a close-knitted department where every member of the department are so genuine, to close friends who are always there when I need them, to my promotion this year and also bonus. I also thank God for various favours at work too. I continue to be affirmed by people how I seemed to be doing well at this portfolio where the Lord has called me to 3 years ago. I thank God how I had been asked to share about volunteer programme management at forums and also publications. I thank God for seeing me through the recent fundraising project which had saw me falling terribly ill when things got a bit hectic and I was working for 12 hours or more a day. It was the most nightmarish period of my work life so much so there was one point in time I was walking about like a zombie and was hyperventilating, had trembling hands and even wanted to scream out in office… but thank God, I survived through it all and God provided volunteers for our project and how we managed to raised quite a substantial amount with the help of volunteers despite the economic crisis. I also thank God for encouraging me when people and volunteers shared with me their stories of how they and their families were blessed because of the volunteering experience. This year, I had also come to know how our volunteer programme has also helped someone come out of depression. Praise the Lord! Even though I had not been directly involved in the case of the volunteer coming out of depression, I thank God constantly for bringing me to this job and for letting me play a small part in such life-changing experiences from the volunteer programme. Little would I expect that volunteer programmes would also make a difference in volunteers’ lives themselves. I thank God for an understanding boss who is always so encouraging and understanding, someone who appreciates what I am doing and affirms me. I thank God for brothers and sisters-in-Christ at work who are focused on serving the Lord and who bless me with their skills and giftings at work, serving unselfishly. I thank God for seeing my colleague who has worked in the organization for more than 10 years now has accepted Christ and how she seemed to be growing well in the Lord and even encouraged me through devotion last week.

Rounding Up

As I round up my reflection for 2008, I look forward to 2009 with much hope and ask for God to continue to grant me wisdom and discernment in my ministry and interaction with others and ask that God also help me to continue have humility, courage to share and even confront, compassion for His people and also joy. One of my resolutions this year (I have long given up on a whole list of resolutions) is simply to care more for people rather than work. I feel guilty everytime I seemed to be so busy with this and that sometimes I neglected my family, friends and cell members and even strangers I meet. I resolve to be there for people this year. I guess it was a life-changing exercise I did during one of my volunteer management training which has helped me clarified that that was what matters most. We were asked to first write down our 10-15 years goal and then told to reprioritize them assuming we only had 3 years. Then subsequently we were to reflect on our goals if we only had 1 year left. I guess reality stared me in the eyes and clarified what mattered most… not money, not job, not promotion, but most of all, at peace with God and being there for people. I am not sure how successful I will be but I will try. Already, I thank God for helping me as I met up with a depressed friend this morning. I prayed to God before the meeting because I can be quite impatient with this friend, having said all I could say and having chastised him through the years. During Christmas, as I shopped for gift, I felt a prompting to buy a particular Christian book for this friend (although he is rather against Christianity and disliked being invited to church). I felt a prompting and even though I did not meet him during Christmas, still managed to pass his Christmas gift to him today. Even though he had not agreed to join me for service, I thank God he is reading the book I gave him and pray God will change his life and help him out of his depression.

May God keep me through 2009 and may I come out of it victoriously.