Silence is Broken

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Silence is finally broken today. I went out with a common friend whom knows me and that friend who was "beginning to hate me" and I shared with him what happened between me and that friend while in a cafe.

Not Willing to Share
For weeks now, whenever we met, he would ask about what happened between us to have caused such a drastic conflict. I just didn't want to share the issue; I didn't want to recollect the bad experience (and I wanted to move on) and did not want to be in a position seen to be bad-mouthing that friend (since I will sharing from my perspective and will always paint a picture that "I am the victim"). I also didn't want to make things difficult for common friends since they know both me and that friend... in fact, at a point in time, I had even wanted to withdraw from these common friends because of this. I have chosen to kept silent about this and had not shared the full story with anyone.

Breaking the Silence
Today, I have made the decision to break this silence. What prompted this? Another friend of ours will be getting married next week and the thought of maybe seeing this friend who "was beginning to hate me" at the wedding just made me feel at a loss... I didn't know how I will behave at the wedding when I see him and did not want to appear ingenuine by pretending nothing has happened. Things have gotten rather irreconciliable and could get rather awkward at the wedding (which is why I pulled out from my friend's wedding band of brothers as this friend is also in it).

Again, this common friend tried his luck today to see if I was ready to share the story and I guess that I was ready, having kept silent for so long... I was ready to share not because I wanted to win him over to my side but because I wanted him to appreciate the fact why things have gotten out of hand and how awkward it might be next week when ultimately we meet. He has also promised to keep it in confidence and mentioned that he is objective enough and mature enough to continue to treat both of us as his friends; not letting what I say affect his friendship with that friend.

Series of Unfortunate Events

• The Start of it All - Things started going downhill from Dec 2004. A conflict at work sparked a whole series of events leading to the conflict between me and this friend... really a series of unfortunate events.
  
  My boss (let's call him G who worked in another office) was doing a research and has sought permission from my organization's EXCO to conduct the research with our organization's admin support (since the findings of the research would be beneficial to the organization). A particular EXCO member (let's call her K) was not at the meeting when this decision was being made and as such did not know about the arrangement.
  
  K got so mad when she learnt that the organization was lending admin support to G's research (since she did not know about the arrangement) and made a big fuss about the matter, confronting me and G about it. This eventually caused G to confront me and blamed me for not clearing the air when K made noise and for "misleading" her. The whole thing evntually got out of hand and even caused tensions between me and my fellow colleague who was also dragged into it. I became so devastated because I had respected G as a boss but when he threw harsh words at me and made harsh accusations at me, it just disappointed me that someone I so trust can be so insensitive.
  
  I needed support and confided in this friend who "was beginning to hate me" (let's call him Z). This was a wrong step; because Z liked G as a boss. Nevertheless, he commented that it is understandable why I felt this way under such circumstances. The conflict went on and so did the confiding...
  
  
• Feeling of not being supported - (Early 2005) The issue was eventually resolved but the hurt remained because someone I so respected did something like that. Although G eventually did apologize for the hurt, the damage has been done and my working relationship with G became rather cordial.
  
  With the disappointment, I went away for reservist training in Feb and made the decision to tender in my resignation upon my return after reservist. I made known my decision and G got to know about it. Z (who is working in the same office with him) SMSed me that G is trying to get me a particular job so that when I leave, I will not be jobless. I responded to that SMS that I am not keen to take up the job because (i) I do not foresee working with G again with all the disappointment and (ii) I do not like the job. However, the response I got from Z was "why are you making life difficult for G? G is not in the wrong in the first place." Deep in my heart, I was think:
  
  "not in the wrong?! So am I in the wrong? What is it about all the 'understanding how I felt under such circumstances' mumbo jumbo?" I felt hurt because I felt that my friend sided more with his boss than with a friend like me. I did not respond to that SMS.
  
  
• Doubts and Mistrust - Eventually things got a bit better between me and Z but sometime later, there were again some bad developments. I remember during one evening out, Z mentioned that in his ideal world, he would just like to have G and another friend. Deep in my heart I was thinking:
  
  "so you do not regard me as a friend. Since G is so important to you, I do not know how much of what I have shared with you has been shared with G"
  
  I started having doubts about Z because I had known him to be capable of being political; he had also admitted to, at times, being manipulative in order to get what he wants. This got me worrying how much of what I shared has been shared with G and whether there has been any other forms of distortion and manipulation (yes, I know I might have been too over-sensitive but it is no doubt I felt this way since I knew what Z is capable of and that G is an important person to him).
  
  Things eventually got worst (cross-reference: here) at a dinner where I saw how my friend behaved so much differently in front of G. I started having doubts and had even wanted to just make my way home myself after the dinner rather than be fetched back by Z in his car (but he insisted in seeing me home). Throughout the journey home, I just kept quiet but did managed to share a bit with Z how I was starting to have doubts.
  
  
• Decision to Move On - I eventually made the decision to move on. It is a terrible period for me and I was literally in crisis; facing problems at work, with my friendship and at home; my world was basically collapsing. I decided that I needed to do something for myself and move on rather than wallow in self-pity and dragging it on. I had decided to resign and have a "cooling off period" for this friendship. Anyway, things haven't been going well for both Z and myself for almost 2 years, with occasional conflicts and misunderstandings.
  
  
• Paranoia Moves In - During the "cooling-off" period, I made every effort to avoid contact with Z and soon he got annoyed with me avoiding him. He soon messaged that he was beginning to hate me (cross-reference: here).
  
  He also started to message me weird messages which made me paranoid, messages about murders etc (cross-reference: here). This made me real scared and for a period of time I was so paranoid that I checked to see if his car was around whenever I returned home and checked every corner of the corridor... I got so scared that I had no choice but to confide in another friend about all these messages (in case something happens to me).
  
  A few days later, he asked to meet to return me some CD-roms but I wasn't comfortable to meet and constantly told him to leave the disc with someone else and I will collect it. Eventually garnered enough courage to meet him and the encounter was brief with very little words exchanged (cross-reference: here). Nothing happened but I guess that signified the end of the friendship and was the last time we met face-to-face.
  
  
• Ill Feelings Brews - From here, Z seems to have ill feelings of me... There was once when he messaged to say that someone has approached G for a reference for a job and asked what job I applied for. When I told him that I will be working in a social service agency, he got so angry that he responded "same old disgusting attitude. All lies..." (cross-reference: here).
  
  At a particular sermon in October, we were challenged to be humble and confess our sins of pride and do something that God would want us to do and I immediately thought of this soured relationship. I wanted to see if I can do something to salvage it but when I sent a message to Z asking him to have a nice day (cross-reference: here), the response that came back was negative: He asked why I messaged and whether I was gloating at his state, whether he was betrayed, asked if I wanted him to kill me or him to kill himself in front of me, that he could do that. I was just taken aback by the response and guess that this just signifies nothing much can be done to salvage the friendship since he could think that I am such a person to gloat over his current situation.

Do You have Any Regrets in Life
Incidentally, last Saturday, a friend messaged me to ask if I have any regrets in life and yes, my greatest regret to date is that this friendship could sour so easily over the span of a few months. The friendship had meant a lot to me and it was a painful decision to make to let go and move on. To this date, it still remains a great regret.

Throughout the evening, as I related the sequence of events to my friend in the cafe, I almost teared but I guess things have gotten to such a stage that it has became irreconciliable. In fact, the past 2 christmas has been sad times for me and as I walked through citilink, making my way home alone, I couldn't help feeling sad as they piped-in "Jingle Bells" into the mall PA. To date, I still sometimes ask this common friend how Z is doing since he is the only source through whom I can be updated about how this dear ex-friend is doing.

Learning from Bad Experiences
I believe every bad experiences bring with it a lesson to learnt. To date, I have lived a relatively blessed life although I do have 5 "memorable" bad experiences;

1. my attachment mate complaining to my attachment supervisor that I copied her work when in fact I did not,
2. I stupidly being interrogated by police on the day my "A" level results are being released. The police suspected me of car theft, just because my friends who were smoking in NS uniform ran away when they saw the patrol car (they were afraid of being caught smoking in uniform). The police even called my commanding officer to inform him about it but fortunately my CO just laughed it off, knowing my personality,
3. death of my beloved grandmother; first-time witnessing the death of a loved one,
4. being disappointed by a boss that I had so respected and
5. souring of a friendship.

You can see that out of the 5 experiences, 4 are to do with being hurt by people. It is no wonder I am always so uncomfortable in social situations because I am afraid of being hurt again and will always be slow to warm up to people.

From this particular experience, I have learnt not to ever work with a friend lest I am prepared for the friendship to sour. It is difficult working with a friend because it is inevitable that you will have higher expectation of friends as colleagues and when these expectations are not met, conflicts and disappointment occurs.

At the beginning, when I learnt that my G was looking for staff and I recommended Z to take the job, I did not expect things to turn out this way. I still remember that when Z got the job, we went out for dinner with a friend and Z jokingly commented that we have to be careful of conflicts since we work for the same boss. Ironically, I jokingly replied that this will never happen, only for the worst to occur just a few months down the road. I have learnt the hard way...